Joke-Off: If Disney Were Real Life, Then…

05/29/2013 · 15 comments

in Joke Off

I both love and hate Disney. The little girl in me is obsessed with the princess stories and lore, and the adult in me knows the princess stories are bullshit. And misogynist. And racist.

Enjoy, kids!

At least it’s not real life, though. If it was…the world would be weirder. Add your submissions into the comments below!

Joke-Off: If Disney Were Real Life, Then…

  • France would have super hot beast-creatures
  • Taylor Swift would be the evil stepsisters
  • Kris Jenner would be Maleficent
  • Your first dance might have been sung by your furniture
  • Roadkill would be infinitely more sad
  • Fox News would call Pocahontas a mooch
  • Fox News would put out a hit on Aladdin
  • NASCAR would be watchable
  • Mice would have made your prom dresses
  • Family Court would have a lot of poisoned fruit to deal with
  • Necrophilia would be A-OK as long as it is within sightline of a dwarf
  • Your furniture is watching you bang
  • Occasionally, your living room carpet will just leave your house for a while
  • Profiling would be ok–If you’re hot, you’re good. If you’re ugly, you’re evil.
  • The Discovery Channel would technically be a musical
  • Sometimes you’d be late to work because you had to participate in someone else’s songs
  • Your sushi would be sad
  • LGBTM Rights: Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans, and Merperson
  • STD rates among frogs would be disturbingly high
  • Sometimes, your candlesticks would be arsonists
  • She didn’t sleep her way to the top, she used a Genie
  • Treasure is fucking everywhere
  • Child Abandonment would not apply to children with hair disorders in towers
  • You could only marry 2 types of men: abusive and rich, kind and rich.
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From Dana The Biped:  You know what I hate? Those mannish politics shows. Everybody’s so mean to each other, and it makes me cry a little. Also, totally unrelated: I just decided I’m going to call my tits Bru and Haha.
Mayor Gia May 29, 2013 at 6:49 am

There would be a lot more mermaid porn out there (I’m assuming there’s a market for it now).
The average marriage age would drop down to 16
I would have *ahhmaaazzing* hair
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Tabitha Crow May 29, 2013 at 8:21 am

“Dwarves, Indians, and Evil Queen” would be politically correct instead of “Vertically Challanged, Native Americans, and Misunderstood Stepmother”.
Tabitha Crow recently posted..Spaghetti-zagna

LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? May 29, 2013 at 8:41 am

Girls running away from home would always end in riches and marriage.
Lady Gaga’s costumes would be appropriate.
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ColinP May 29, 2013 at 9:22 am

Bambi would be considered a snuff film.
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Dana the Biped May 29, 2013 at 12:56 pm

When you talked to your dog, your dog would answer–and your plant would chime in with some snark.

Your work routine would consist entirely of jaunty montages.

PETA would have a lot more validity.

Shoes wouldn’t be sold above a size five, except the Ugly Shoes for Ugly People line.

Dresses would come in two styles: puffy and puffier.

There would be a lot more magnificent facial hair.

No more hipster beards.
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Kelly May 29, 2013 at 1:29 pm

All drains really will lead to the ocean, and you’ll never look at your toilet the same way ever again. Or go swimming except in a pool, for that matter.

Mute is the new sexy.

You really could snap your fingers and your house would get clean.

Regardless if you’re in the ocean, a tower, the forest, or apparently in a coma, your makeup and hair will be FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABULOUS!

Dwarf Brother Husbands will be the newest hit on TLC.

Pluto would get to wear some motherfucking pants. And talk. And Donald Duck would be slapped with an indecent exposure ticket.
Kelly recently posted..Wednesdays with Kelly – the I get my shit back edition!

Misty May 29, 2013 at 1:47 pm

Woodland creatures would assist me in getting dressed in the morning, all while singing a jaunty tune.

Your children’s fear of monsters in their closet would be entirely valid.

Video games characters and your toys come to life at night while you are sleeping . . . make sure you lock your bedroom door.

Your fish will judge how you conduct your business and become experts in your field of work.

All drains lead to the sea.
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Todd May 29, 2013 at 2:06 pm

I don’t know if you’ve seen Bruce Jenner’s nose and hair lately, but he would definitely be the Evil Queen in Snow White.
Todd recently posted..Press “1″ to Sell Your Soul

Todd May 29, 2013 at 2:11 pm

You would have to totally adjust your gay-dar, because all of the Handsome Princes have perfectly quaffed hair, puffy clothes with sequins, and tend to burst into song (with choreography).
Todd recently posted..Press “1″ to Sell Your Soul

Kathleen May 29, 2013 at 2:23 pm

Being a helpless victim would always end with a handsome prince rescuing you.

Horses would be awesome friends who understood your every mood and communicated surprisingly well with just head shakes and eye rolls.

Anthropomorphizing wouldn’t exist.

Bees would still sting you for stealing their honey.

Janene May 29, 2013 at 5:25 pm

Reality TV would be renamed to ‘Fantasy TV’. For obvious reasons.

Liz Rosema May 29, 2013 at 5:54 pm

Every girl would have to be an orphaned princess, those who choose to reproduce would have about a 50% chance of having a girl and subsequently dying in a freak accident.

Everyone would have a spunky anthropomorphic animal sidekick- mine would probably be a land jellyfish.

Bugs are rational, have feelings, and talk (spiders included). Using Raid is murder and ants take over your kitchen with reckless abandon.

You can hypnotize people if you open your eyes wide.
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Valerie May 29, 2013 at 9:21 pm

We’d all die from starvation… Since all the animals and plants would not only talk, but sing quite beautifully. And have those god damn ginormous Disney eyes that see into your soul.


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Laura May 29, 2013 at 9:25 pm

Babies would be born of rainbows and sparkles.

All male genitalia will be referred to as Ursula’s tentacles.

All female genitalia will be referred to as Genie lamps.

You’d be best friends with your Sushi dinner.
Laura recently posted..This is exactly why I love my family

Bill G. May 29, 2013 at 9:41 pm

You’d have to take acid to find a more relaxing atmosphere.

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