Joke-Off: I Didn’t Rent/Buy This House Because __________

05/08/2013 · 23 comments

in Joke Off

Adrian and I are moving (again) soon, and once again we are reminded of how little anyone gives a shit about people who rent. The places we’re being offered are absurd, and there’s nothing we can do about it. We need a place to live, so sure, I guess I can take my wet laundry from the first floor to the second where the dryer is located. I guess I can live with a water heater in the living room. I suppose it won’t be so awful to park our cars and our neighbor’s cars end to end on a driveway. None of those things will ever be the worst thing ever.

So this week, let’s fill in the blank and help one another realize that it could always be worse. Add your submissions into the comments below.

Joke-Off: I Didn’t Rent/Buy This House Because __________

  • The TV connections only allowed a TV in the unfinished attic and nowhere else 
  • The showerhead was electrified
  • The water heater sounded like the space shuttle
  • Fence was actually a moat
  • Moat was filled with real crocodiles
  • There was no way across the moat except to run across the crocodiles
  • Back part of house was missing
  • Toilet was inside shower enclosure
  • Stadium seating in shower is strange
  • Outhouse instead of bathroom
  • It is currently on fire
  • Stove is in bedroom
  • Stove is in the basement
  • Dishwasher is in the entryway
  • Second bedroom actually is a closet
  • Smells like a dirty pussy
  • Neighbor commented on my mouth shape
  • Neighbor commented on my dog’s mouth shape
  • There is a pipe running at waist-length, exposed, throughout the house
  • Mirror is covered in blood
  • There are an unsettling number of chain locks on all interior doors
  • Suspected vampire haven
  • Coroner visited “as a regular courtesy”
  • Suspected wild dog pack in basement
  • Homeless man was making burgers on a shopping cart in the foyer
  • Floor is missing
  • There is a flaming wheelbarrow in the study
  • Possible evidence of meth explosion in nursery
  • Full of bees

The sad part is how many of these are real-life things that happened to me.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post
From Haley: One hot summer I was forced to go to a water park which is the place where all good things come to an end. I don’t like rides so I was sitting under an umbrella by the wave pool like the white pasty kid I am. Naturally, I was passing the time by people watching and low and behold.. I looked to my left and saw a woman with her legs spread open with her..uh, Chia pet.. growing out of all sides of that bathing suit. She was eating a block of cheese. A. Block. Of. Cheese. I didn’t even try to hide my laughter. Oh the things that cannot be unseen.
Scott May 8, 2013 at 5:28 am

I can also relate to far to many of these. I would add my favorite “feature” from a previous rental: I lived in a duplex, but there was only one thermostat…in the other half. So I had absolutely no control over how hot or cold my home was. In Michigan.

Coincidentally, I’m looking for a place to rent after owning my own houses for 10 years. I forgot how bad it was, so your post is very timely. Thanks,I think.

Mayor Gia May 8, 2013 at 6:45 am

Technically, it’s not a house, just a cardboard box in someone’s backyard.

The train tracks run through the apartment.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Zzzzz I Don’t Even Know

Jen May 8, 2013 at 7:39 am

* Ty Pennington keeps showing up in the yard with a bullhorn.

* Craig T. Nelson grabs your realtor and starts screaming “You left the bodies, didn’t you? You moved the headstones, but YOU LEFT THE BODIES!!!”

* Two words: sewer gators.
Jen recently posted..Dining With Hannibal Lecter (aka. Why I Should Never Leave The House)

The Six-Fingered Monkey May 8, 2013 at 7:51 am

I feel your pain. As a lifelong renter I have been there. Renters are sadly treated as second class citizens… By everyone. Great post.
The Six-Fingered Monkey recently posted..Wordless Wednesday #15: “New Pussy” Turns “Crazy Pussy” (Not Completely Wordless)

Mark S May 8, 2013 at 7:57 am

I Didn’t Rent/Buy This House Because…

…I wanted first an escort service then rap loving nocturnal drug dealers living upstairs from me.

…I wanted to take cold showers for a week while the landlord bargain shopped for the part he needed to fix the water heater

…I thought it was fun to have to run down 3 flights of stairs to the basement…in my underwear…to flip a breaker that popped because my wife tried to dry her hair in the bathroom while I made my morning toast.

LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? May 8, 2013 at 8:45 am

All the ghosts told me not to.
LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? recently posted..How to tell if I’m sick, and something about a dream I had.

Cheryl S. May 8, 2013 at 8:53 am

I didn’t rent because:

The previous tenant hanged himself in the kitchen
The carpets smell like a cat box.
The wall color was spackle.
There was a homeless dude sleeping in the entryway.

Sadly. those are all true. And, BTW, I lived in the apartment where the guy hanged himself for a full year before anyone bothered to mention that little fact!

Tabitha Crow May 8, 2013 at 9:49 am

“Ummm… what do you mean the other tenents aren’t moving?”
“WHAT? You don’t even own this place?? But we gave you our security deposit!”

Actual convo I’ve had…..

Katie Mack May 8, 2013 at 10:00 am

I didn’t rent this house/apartment because:

**I wanted to run more than one appliance at the same time and could not figure out the appropriate combination. Refrigerator and stove, yes. Refrigerator and hairdryer, no.

**The water pipe running up through the MIDDLE of the bathroom was so hot it scalded my skin every time I accidentally brushed against it. Plus it made the bathroom so hot, my makeup would slide off my face before I had even finished putting it on.

**Landlord’s next door apartment emitted a constant stream of what sounded like Peter Griffin singing “Bird is the Word” for 23 hours a day. For one hour a day, he meditated.

Two out of three of these things actually happened…same apartment.
Katie Mack recently posted..Pinched the Wrong Bottom

Some dude in NC May 8, 2013 at 10:20 am

Reasons I *shouldn’t have* rented this house/apartment (sadly true):

– The crazy lady next door will wander into your house looking for her cat if you don’t always lock your doors. Then she’ll just bang on the windows.

– Loud sex from neighbors=annoying. Loud, drunken gay hate sex from neighbors=kill me now.

– Every neighbor can recall in amazing detail how the last tenant blew his head off with a shotgun. Which explains the stain on the carpet. Which the landlord won’t replace. But at least he repainted…mostly.

– Upstairs neighbor ignored the rules barring waterbeds and pets, with predictable results.

Roxie May 8, 2013 at 12:13 pm

It’s above an opium den.

Everything is gangcolors.

It’s on a one way, dead end street.

Was asked by 7 different people if I was “holding” on the way from my car to the front door.

Dana the Biped May 8, 2013 at 12:51 pm

Great nieghborhood, lots of free parking, a ceiling that was so low even my head grazed it, and a landlord with a handlebar mustache and a glass eye. (Actually, the landlord was a plus.)

The house my parents bought when I was small: you couldn’t enter, because it really didn’t have a floor. Just boom, basement. They later discovered a dead horse buried in the yard.
Dana the Biped recently posted..A Little Early for Mother’s Day, But…

Miranda May 8, 2013 at 1:33 pm

Germans! According to Dara O’Briain:
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Jen May 8, 2013 at 1:41 pm

*The kitchen is a crunchtastic ride to Flavortown. (“Oh yeah, that’s MONEY.”)
Jen recently posted..Dining With Hannibal Lecter (aka. Why I Should Never Leave The House)

ColinP May 8, 2013 at 2:22 pm

I don’t really need dead hooker storage… thanks for offering.

I was promised dead hooker storage and you couldn’t store a dead hooker in there even if you chopped them up into smaller units.

Having cheap and available Meth right next door is not what I really what I am looking for.
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Bill G. May 8, 2013 at 5:23 pm

- The cockroaches
– Bodies in the freezer
– The fridge that was never cleaned before the power was cut off
– Creepy old neighbor that has to scratch his balls constantly
– It’s near a paper mill, unless you like the fart smell of steam and the dank wet smell of wood chips

Todd May 8, 2013 at 7:03 pm

In general, it smelled like ass.
Todd recently posted..The Epic Adventures of Harold, the Supernumerary Nipple

Todd May 8, 2013 at 7:06 pm

The one neighbor that tends to spread the word that he’ll do handyman work in exchange for you doing some “handy work” for him. true story.
Todd recently posted..The Epic Adventures of Harold, the Supernumerary Nipple

Dear Sweet Mama May 8, 2013 at 7:27 pm

I rented a house once that had a pool table and two side by side toilets in the basement. Turns out it had been an illegal party house and at one time there had been walls around the toilets. However, one could sit and do one’s business while chatting with a friend (I actually wrote shatting with a friend and then realized what I had done) and look out the window to watch boats go down the river. It was quite relaxing, in a weird kind of way.

Jen May 9, 2013 at 12:16 am

Sadly, all these are true and I still rented some of them:
-Downstairs neighbors held a “church service” in the home every afternoon that involved wailing, tamborines and people LOUDLY speaking in tongues.
-Other downstairs neighbors stored a car bumper in the small apartment foyer and also left all their smelly shoes outside their door and right in front of the stairs.
-Warned to never go into the back yard because there was to cover on the septic tank.
-Ceiling and attached fan were so low you couldn’t use it unless you wanted a traumatic brain injury.
-The “home” was a converted auto repair shop which meant there were two giant garage doors (one of which was supposed to be our front door) and neither had any insulation…they were just garage doors as your wall/front door.
-Home was in an area that flooded so often there were horseshoe crab carcasses in the back yard.
-Home was in between two pubs. One frequented by a MASSIVE group of teens and 20 somethings that got shit faced drunk every weekend and walked up and down the street scream singing John Denver’s “West Virginia”, the other frequented by workman and elderly people who stood outside smoking and discussing the positive aspects of Hilter. (We were living in Germany at the time…and yes, we found this crap out AFTER we moved in).

Jen May 9, 2013 at 12:17 am

*no cover

Josh d May 9, 2013 at 8:10 am

The bath is filled with peeling lead paint and only the kitchen has power points but hot water. I do my hair In the kitchen and wash dishes I’m the bathroom sink. My apartment rocks.

Sara Stettler May 9, 2013 at 12:19 pm

Didn’t care for the neighbor peeping in the window at 6 am.
The creepy twin girls standing in the hallway just seemed ominous.
Thought I heard “Zuul” coming from the fridge.

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