I’ll Just Sit Here And Ruin Your Life With My Laughs

05/06/2013 · 19 comments

in What Is Wrong With Me

I am a public monster.

I am a tornado of impropriety, smashing social barriers and hurting feelings with more force than an F5 rips through the dreams of trailer home owners. I skip from interaction to interaction with the hopes of first being charming, and then praying for at least passably human, and then wandering away with a sure knowledge that I have left that person with part of their soul missing.

It’s usually because I’m laughing at something I shouldn’t be, which makes me something of a sociopath.

It’s Not Like He Knew I Was Laughing

When my paternal grandfather died, his funeral was very small: just my sister, mother, maternal grandmother and grandfather, my uncle, and me. It was held in a very small chapel with barely enough room for the casket and the six of us–if you moved wrong, you might just accidentally kick the casket.

When they brought in the worst fucking bagpiper to bleat out Amazing Grace, I was gone. It was already so awkward and horrible and in that tiny chapel with what sounded like a leprosy-riddled sheep screaming through a bull horn–there was no containing my laughter. It was only when my grandmother smacked me over the head with a Bible that I stopped.

It’s Like Watching Green Mile Except Nothing Good Happens

One night, I came in from playing outside to hear my sister screaming and crying in her room with the vacuum running and an unbelievably loud humming. It was alarming to say the least–I ran down the hall and threw open the door to find what still remains one of the funniest sights I’ve ever seen.

My sister, being mauled by a massive swarm of gnats and moths, beating them out of her four-poster bed drapes, and viciously trying to vacuum them as fast as she could.

She had left a light on in her room, her window open, and her door closed for several hours at night. Seeing as how we lived on a farm, where bugs are fucking made, it was a shitshow. I couldn’t help her–I should have but I couldn’t. It was too amazing to see her try to gang-fight the world’s smallest bugs while surrounded by pastel tulle and Laura Ashley ruffles.

You know, now that I repeat the story, it sounds more like Stephen King than anything else.

IS MY FACE EVEN ON MY HEAD ANYMORE IT’S COOL LOL JK

At the Stock Show and Rodeo in Denver every year, a team of ‘horsemen’ performs in between events. It’s always a new theme every year, and it’s always pretty terrible. Once it was Russian horsemanship where everyone fell off. Once it was The OK Corral and Doc Holliday would have shot himself to spare the memory. Once, everyone just held a shitton of fireworks near their horses’ heads, which is an awful idea 1) indoors and 2) because horses don’t dig fire too much.

During the Fireworks year, my family sat right on the fence, eye-level with all the horse dicks you could imagine. The poor woman next to me had never been to a rodeo ever and MY GOD, WAS IT MAGICAL FOR HER. Funny as she was, I didn’t want to fault her for her lack of knowledge, regardless of how unbelievably ignorant her comments were. She was, however, loudly and obnoxiously mystified by these horsemen. She OOOHED and AAAHED and MAJESTICKED away for a solid 10 minutes and I managed to contain my laughter. Then, a Clydesdale ran by and off of his hoof came the biggest dirt clod I have ever seen in my life. It was the size of a globe at least, and it nailed her right in the face.

I lost it. Loudly and horribly, I lost it. I tried to turn away from her, my mom tried to punch me in the throat to stop me. The woman’s one and only response to this event which must have rocked her from here to fucking Jupiter?

“Oh goodness, that smarted a bit.”

What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen in public?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Lisa Newlin: I feel like the pose from the aerobic self-defense video could be combined with the I got gas commercial to really create something special. I had no idea this website existed, but I suspect it will be an even bigger time suck than googling videos of puppies playing together. Time. Suck. (But totally worth it.)
Mayor Gia May 6, 2013 at 6:46 am

I couldn’t keep it together when I went to church and the priest tried to sing along, because Jesus doesn’t care what you sound like you know. Except he sounded very, very bad. Luckily, my mom was cracking up too.

AHHHH I can still hear his off key warbling..
Mayor Gia recently posted..Getting Up Early on the Weekend Should Be Illegal

Haley May 6, 2013 at 10:08 am

One hot summer I was forced to go to a water park which is the place where all good things come to an end. I don’t like rides so I was sitting under an umbrella by the wave pool like the white pasty kid I am. Naturally, I was passing the time by people watching and low and behold.. I looked to my left and saw a woman with her legs spread open with her..uh, Chia pet.. growing out of all sides of that bathing suit. She was eating a block of cheese. A. Block. Of. Cheese. I didn’t even try to hide my laughter. Oh the things that cannot be unseen.
Haley recently posted..Shit My Boss Says

Emelie May 6, 2013 at 11:00 am

We should never hang out. Our giggles would be unstoppable.
Emelie recently posted..I Really Do Want a Goat, Though…. And That Giant Chicken. I Still Want That Chicken!

asplenia May 6, 2013 at 11:07 am

Hahahaha! I could PICTURE the clod of dirt. And also the gnat/moth death rage incident. OHMYGOD this post was hilarious (and is now one of my favorites).

I’m going to hell for laughing my ass off when a friend fell down the fucking steps. Did I help her up afterwards? No. I couldn’t. I was incapacitated from laughter.

Valerie May 6, 2013 at 12:42 pm

I’m not really allowed at funerals anymore… Between the giggle fits and trying to bring in my battle axe in case of zombies, it’s been settled that its best I just not go anymore.

But fuck that… I’ll still be out on the car. Cuz ya know… ZOMBIES!

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..Quicksand is coming to get us… COMING TO GET US ALL!!!

Jaime May 6, 2013 at 1:19 pm

one time we were driving to a comedy show and we were running late… it was pouring rain and we were driving slightly over the speed limit. It was dark out and before we knew it we had run through the largest puddle I had ever seen. Wouldn’t you know it … there also happened to be someone walking on the sidewalk at the time … she tried to use her umbrella as a shield, to no avail…. I’m sure she was utterly and thoroughly soaked. I know I shouldn’t have… but I laughed so hard tears were rolling down my cheeks.

Jen May 6, 2013 at 2:03 pm

Last month at the food carts near my office there was a homeless dude in a Harry Potter robe singing Miley Cyrus’ “Party In The U.S.A.” I had no other option but to join in on the chorus, noddin’ my head like yeah and movin’ my hips like yeah. Oh, and I bought him a burrito. Because…reasons.
Jen recently posted..Dining With Hannibal Lecter (aka. Why I Should Never Leave The House)

Daniel May 6, 2013 at 2:30 pm

It was my first year of college, and we had an inordinate amount of snow and ice which shut down classes for a solid week. I was walking with some friends to go get lunch, and one of them was dicking around on the ice – because as texans, ice is incredible and magic to us. He had been keeping one foot on solid ground while skating the other one around, but hit a patch that was just ice. Then, in a move that was ripped right out of a cartoon, he lost his footing and frantically tried to get a foot back on the ground, the appropriate sound effects started going off in my head, and I completely lost my shit. I still chuckle about it when I picture it.

Bill G. May 6, 2013 at 4:02 pm

Your bug incident reminds me of the night that a bat had gotten into her room through the open window and was terrorizing her. She was 12 and I was 7. I’m in the living room chilling out, watching the Rockford Files, parents were gone–somewhere, and my sister starts screaming. I go in and I see her crouched on the bed with a bat flying circles around the room because he doesn’t want to be part of this clusterfuck anymore. I wound up catching him in a duffel bag and let him go outside after 20 minutes of chasing it around the room, totally trashing the place. Her room looked like the scene of a SWAT raid afterwards.

Little bastard shit in my duffel bag, so I had to throw it in the washer.

Watch what Joe Walsh does with his hotel room: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1o0TJQLWU4

Shannon May 6, 2013 at 4:39 pm

This sounds horrible but I swear it’s not, so bear with…my mom, my son and I were on the way to the movies. At a busy intersection red light, a woman and her friend? sister? were waiting to cross at the crosswalk. The one girl was a paraplegic in a wheelchair. For some reason she couldn’t get the little chin control thing to work right and it kept stopping and starting and going a little left and a little right. Normally people would just feel bad or awkward or want to help. But these two girls, instead of getting frustrated or worried they would aggravate the assholes of the world, just seriously thought it was the funniest thing ever. They were laughing so hard that everyone in the cars around us couldn’t help but laugh too. We were waiting for prolly 10 minutes surrounded by 20 people that were laughing so hard they were crying. So, it was seriously hilarious, and mostly all because these two chicks had the best attitudes on the planet.

Johi Kokjohn-Wagner May 6, 2013 at 7:53 pm

I laugh at everything that I’m not supposed to laugh at- particularly in church and when I see people fall down. I have a problem. I also shouldn’t attend funerals.
Johi Kokjohn-Wagner recently posted..Never send a “fungi” to do a woman’s job.

Alison May 6, 2013 at 10:04 pm

I had a professor that I WORSHIPPED in college. He was an amazing lecturer and made me love history class for the first time ever. But he had a very strong Korean accent that I, as a mid-westerner who’d never known any non-adopted Koreans, just didn’t understand sometimes. Mostly it just left me confused but one day in lecture he said “country pumpkin” (instead of country bumpkin) and I just lost it. I still feel bad… but it also still makes me giggle.
Alison recently posted..Dead or alive, raccoons suck

Shelley May 7, 2013 at 10:27 am

“Bleat out”–best two-word description of a bagpipe ever.

Where are you? Texas?

Jaclyn May 7, 2013 at 12:35 pm

My mom is slightly horrible in that way- where she can’t help but laughing at really inappropriate shit.

I remember being in the Barbie aisle of a Toys R Us with her once, and it was a few weeks before Christmas, so it was PACKED. She found a Barbie in a wheelchair and it made her laugh so hard she had tears rolling down her cheeks. Yeah. My mom mocked the shit out of wheelchair Barbie. I was mortified.

Dana the Biped May 7, 2013 at 12:43 pm

When I was in high school, I dated a guy who had the handsomest roommate ever. (Swear it wasn’t the reason I was dating him. It was just a big perk.) Our Spanish teacher had nicknamed this guy Guapisimo, which stuck. Guapisimo had the most masculine jawline, the most fabulous hair, and a deep melodic voice (he was German, and had the loveliest accent). Everything he did was the epitome of manly.

One night, while on the phone with my bf, I hear a high-pitched scream in the background: “It’s in the closet! In my shoe! Get it out! Kill it with your tennis racket!”

Guapisimo had a mouse.

(I later saw him after he’d shower–that great hair hid the fact that he was seventeen and balding.)
Dana the Biped recently posted..This is the best news title ever…

Roxie May 7, 2013 at 4:05 pm

Seriously, guys, it’s Sonny Bono. And he died skiing. Into a tree. You want me to not laugh? Sorry!

Katie Mack May 7, 2013 at 4:06 pm

The best thing I have ever witnessed in public nearly made me drown.

The whole family was snorkeling in the Caribbean. My aunt silently signals to me in the water that she’s going to swim up and pinch her 13 year old son’s behind. She pinched.

We quickly found out that was NOT her son, but some other poor unsuspecting 13 year old boy who was quite shocked (or probably thought he was being bit by something). I choked water up all in my snorkel. I laughed so hard I couldn’t swim or breathe, my aunt had to rescue me.

For some reason, the victim’s parents found it a lot less funny than my aunt and I did. I couldn’t swim for the rest of the day, I started giggling every time I put my face in the water.
Katie Mack recently posted..Opposite Day

Scarlett May 10, 2013 at 2:05 am

Hahaha I would have stood and laughed at moth-gate too! I laugh when I’m awkward or nervous so I don’t get invited to social occasions much anymore x
Scarlett recently posted..Internet Confessions…

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: