Adrian and I came the closest we’ll ever come to being superheros last Christmas Day.

Adrian and I spent Christmas in the mountains in Colorado with his family–a total of 8 people in one condo including 5-Year-Old twin girls. On Christmas Day, we decided to go tubing on a resort’s hill–what a fun family activity! All ages can be involved for not too much money, and then we’ll all go have hot chocolate and watch movies later.

This is how 100% of horror movies start.

On the very first run, we all decided to link together and go as a group–all 8 of us standing tall as a family and enjoying time spent together. Here are the things we did not account for:

  1. 6 Full-Grown Adults going ~250 MPH down an ice luge dragging two children is a lot of uncontrolled weight
  2. THIS IS THE MOST TERRIBLE IDEA

Everyone links together, with Twin 1 linked securely between Adrian and his Brother-In-Law and Twin 2 linked securely between myself and my Sister-In-Law. The two cousins grab a hold of the long tube-leash of each of the twins as a small-child failsafe. This means that for each 5-year-old girl, there are 3 adults holding on to a child and also one another. We are ironclad fuckery.

It takes 4 resort employees to get us started down the hill, and they put some serious spin on our circle of family togetherness and inflatable tubing. Immediately, things go very wrong. The spin puts too much pressure on Twin 2′s failsafe. I am now the only one who has a hold of her tube with my mitten-adorned right hand and shoulder, which has been injured for many years. The spin is also sending her away from the group and toward a very steep embankment that at her current speed, will send this baby into space. In a moment of superhuman fear-strength, I shout and pull her as hard as I can back towards me and use my body as a clamp to hold our tubes together for the rest of this murder luge.

We are now 15 feet down a 200 foot tubing run.

We were far from being out of danger. As soon as I had Twin 2 clamped to me, we hit a steep embankment on Adrian’s side. We hit it with such speed and force that none of us really even knew what was happening until Twin 1 was completely horizontal, staring at all of us from above. Adrian, in a moment of superhuman speed, shoved his boot into her chest, securing her in her tube and preventing what would have become a baby-pinball situation.

We are now 50 feet down a 200 foot tubing run.

The force of Adrian’s foot on Twin 1′s chest altered what little stability we had regained from the initial spin, and our tube-clusterfuck lurched to the left and spun us like a tornado. A group of fully grown adults spinning down a hill, holding 2 small children down from the centrifugal forces, while everyone screams with genuine fear, kicking up a snowy-dust-devil in their wake.

When we finally slowed to a halt, no one moved for several moments. All spectators to this event, including the resort staff, stared at us unmoving–still sitting in our tubes and unsure of whether to laugh or cry. Everyone was breathing very hard, and as we drug our tubes off the run, we thanked the mountain gods that we were all still alive.

Every time I feel like life is getting to be too much, every time I feel out of control, I remember all of us meeting spinning and violent death on a murder luge and out-pacing him with sheer willpower.

Ever had a moment of superhuman strength, speed, or something else? Ever seen one?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Valerie: This is great… Also, if I had a nickel for every time I accidentally ended up on a date with a hobo, I could probably buy a stamp.

{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Mayor Gia April 22, 2013 at 6:51 am

Bahahha! You guys are HEROES, yo. I definitely woulda let one of those twins fly
Mayor Gia recently posted..Bras and Other Random Things

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LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? April 22, 2013 at 8:27 am

That is terrifying. The only moment of super-human strength I’ve ever had did not help save anyone’s life. And I don’t even remember it. Apparently, when my husband proposed, I yelled “YES” in a deep growly voice, and proceeded to lift him off the ground with my arms alone. I’m sure he was very frightened.
LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? recently posted..Boston—my latte is delusional, but he really wants to help you out.

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Kathleen April 22, 2013 at 9:42 am

That is an awesome story! But I’m left hanging. Did you laugh or cry? :)
My super power is lightning fast reflexes. I once caught a 29 pound kid by the back of her shirt when she tried to do a flying squirrel off a picnic table onto concrete. I did it without looking or interrupting my conversation, and she looked exactly like a 2 year old version of Tom cruise from Mission Impossible, dangling an inch from the concrete floor.

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Alison April 22, 2013 at 10:08 am

That sounds super terrifying. My kids can go tube as soon as their old enough to do it completely without my supervision, because I’d have a heart attack watching them. I can barely watch them on the playground.
Alison recently posted..Robot Boner

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Dana the Biped April 22, 2013 at 1:10 pm

I used to pull my sister and a goat around in a pony cart.
Dana the Biped recently posted..I’m Getting a Bit Worried.

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Misty April 22, 2013 at 1:58 pm

But isn’t that the whole point of even HAVING twins? Having a spare should one fly off of a cliff in a freak tubing accident? Wait, maybe I’m thinking about tires . . .
Misty recently posted..Put Me In, Coach

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Sara Stettler April 22, 2013 at 3:58 pm

I once caught my toddler niece’s head from hitting a tile floor, with my FOOT! I am awesome.

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Johi Kokjohn-Wagner April 22, 2013 at 5:06 pm

Much like the resort staff, I was “unsure of whether to laugh or cry” when reading this. Instead, I held my breath until my chest started to hurt. I’m glad everyone still possesses all their limbs and mental faculties. I’m going to go breathe into a bag now.
Johi Kokjohn-Wagner recently posted..BITCH

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Melanie Rose April 23, 2013 at 5:21 pm

Holy hell. I haven’t laughed that hard in ages. Thank you.

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Valerie April 23, 2013 at 5:33 pm

I won’t lie to you… This sounds like possibly the most funnest time ever!! But I’ve been told I’m fucked in the head, so don’t go by me.

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..R & S are for I am Really Sorry… for being a Slacker!!

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Tamara April 23, 2013 at 8:34 pm

You crack my shit up! Also… you just won an award on my website. Peace out.

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