Joke-Off: Realistic/Better Alternate Endings To Movies

04/03/2013 · 15 comments

in Joke Off

This past weekend at the Dallas Comedy Festival, my improv group re-enacted our version of Beauty and the Beast which took an almost immediately left turn from the Disney classic. Gaston learned not to be a terrible sexist asshole and married Belle. Morgan Freeman was Belle’s father and instead of inventing, he made customized rape defense sticks. Morgan Freeman and the Beast fell in love and got married. Celine Dion saw the whole thing and was so super jealous.

I like that ending a lot better than the realities that Disney presented. I’m positive many of you have alternate endings you’d prefer in movies–so put your submissions below in the comments. Winner of the Thursday Throwdown wins a nonsense gif!

Joke-Off: Realistic/Better Alternate Endings To Movies

  • Fried Green Tomatoes: Idgie receives the death penalty for murder because the preacher is a shitty liar.
  • The Dark Knight Rises: Bruce Wayne never meets up with Alfred in the cafe because he’s Bruce Goddamn Wayne and literally everyone in the world would recognize him sitting there.
  • The Last Airbender: M. Night Shymalan apologizes
  • Die Hard: Bruce Willis dies. Really hard.
  • Sleepless in Seattle: They meet up and realize that the other person is fucking insane based on each other’s stalking behavior
  • Lord Of The Rings: They use the eagles.
  • Signs: Mel Gibson finds a new species to be racist about.
  • The Karate Kid: Daniel-san gets his ass knocked in the dirt because a crane kick is bullshit
  • Harry Potter: Harry joins therapy for PTSD, has unstable relationships and addictions for life
  • Harry Potter: Snape doesn’t die, because that’s just fucking cruel
  • Harry Potter: Harry, Hermione and Neville still have to go back to school for their 7th year. Ron gets his WizGED.
  • Avatar: James Cameron apologizes
  • The Hunger Games: Katniss ends up alone, because Katniss is kind of a bitch
  • The Little Mermaid: Ariel leaves immediately upon seeing her first penis
  • The Avengers: Captain America and Iron Man hate fuck the living shit out of each other
  • Jaws: Free Willy saves everyone
  • The Shawshank Redemption: Andy Dufresne contracts a number of horrifying diseases from the sewer pipe
  • Beetlejuice: Lydia marries Beetlejuice, is not worse off
  • The Breakfast Club: They never speak again
  • Pocahontas: Everyone dies of smallpox
  • 10 Things I Hate About You: They break up almost immediately
  • Animal House: They all go to AA
  • The Hangover: There are actual consequences of their actions
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Nadine: I confused a horse for a cow at a petting zoo as an adult.
You win this because I fucking laughed at this comment for a solid hour. 

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Mayor Gia April 3, 2013 at 6:45 am

Titanic: She DOESN’T let go.
Mayor Gia recently posted..We Need More Holidays

Amanda- The Southern Unbelle April 3, 2013 at 9:54 am

Love Actually: Liam Neeson meets Rosie O’Donnell instead of Claudia Schiffer, Emma Thompson tells her cheating husband to f*ck off, and Laura Linney f*cks the hot guy
Amanda- The Southern Unbelle recently posted..C is for Clean it like Christ

Laura April 3, 2013 at 10:16 am

The Hunger Games: Peeta and Gale fall in love
Harry Potter: Harry wakes up and realizes all his great adventures were just a dream
The Wizard of Oz: Dorothy stays and marries the cowardly lion
Laura recently posted..No words

Jaclyn April 3, 2013 at 12:17 pm

I was going to go the obvious route with Twilight and say Bella dies in childbirth, but I think the more appropriate “alternate ending” would be if Stefanie Meyer died in childbirth, long before she ever thought of writing this shit.
Jaclyn recently posted..Getting Divorced. Also? Laid.

Shannon April 3, 2013 at 12:45 pm

Kill Bill Vols. 1 or 2: Terrified by Uma Thurman’s enormous man hands, someone pulls out a gun and busts a cap in her ass.

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) April 3, 2013 at 1:43 pm

Forrest Gump: Bubba doesn’t die in Vietnam so when Jenny dies of AIDS, he and Forrest raise Forrest’s child together as a bi-racial homosexual couple in the deep and dirty South.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..The One Where I Find Out I’m Ugly

Kathleen April 3, 2013 at 1:47 pm

Star Wars: the rebellion against the legitimately elected government is crushed, Han goes to jail for all his crimes, and Luke’s whiny ass gets executed for stabilities assassination. Lei claims Stockholm syndrome as the reason she was leading the rebellion, and gets reinstated to the Senate, because of boobs.

Cheryl S. April 3, 2013 at 3:09 pm

The English Patient: The main character dies of his burns so no one has to sit through three hours of that shit!

Toy Story: The toys don’t really come to life, Andy’s just schizophrenic.

Alison April 3, 2013 at 3:10 pm

The Lion King: Simba tries to convert all the lions to eating only bugs and they rise up and kill him

Tangled: Rapunzel finds out her real parents are total assholes and she runs back to hide live in the tower and have babies.

This was the best giggle of the day.
Alison recently posted..Beer League Hockey

Dana the Biped April 3, 2013 at 3:12 pm

Anastasia: Anastasia dies. Bartok still doesn’t get a chance to “Hiya! And kick her, sir.”
Bambi: Bambi’s spread-eagle on the hood of a truck and Thumper goes into rehab for sex addiction.
Avengers: The Black Widow goes home, puts on raggedly sweats, and still is sexier than all of us combined.
Avengers: Tony Stark develops a beer belly–and is still sexier than all of us combined.
Safety Not Guaranteed: Everybody stands awkwardly on the pier.
Inception: was never produced, you just dreamed it.
Twilight Saga: was never produced, you just dreamed it after a bad burrito.
Dana the Biped recently posted..A First-Person Narrative

Johi Kokjohn-Wagner April 3, 2013 at 4:35 pm

Bridges of Madison County: While the photographer and the housewife are lounging in front of the fire, a spark hits the rug, causing the house to burn down. Then everyone who made the movie dies by zombie attack, because anyone who has lived through a summer in Iowa knows that no one in their right fucking mind would build a fucking fire in 95 degree heat and 110% humidity.
Johi Kokjohn-Wagner recently posted..Oh, Easter Bunny, you cheap bastard.

nadine April 3, 2013 at 7:40 pm

Harry Potter: after discovering Hermoine has a time turner, he goes back and decapitates voldemort before he’s a fucking orphan for life, instead of just saving a fuckin hippogriff.

101 Dalmatians: two words: Animal Hoarders.

The Social Network: The Winklevoss twins win, sell to Google Plus.
nadine recently posted..Teach me how to Science

Bill G. April 3, 2013 at 7:48 pm

Breakfast Club: Bender becomes interested in particle physics while tearing up a book about it. He goes on to win the Nobel Prize in physics. Ally Sheedy’s character (seen the movie more times than Gilligan fucking up a rescue off the island, I have no idea what her name is) gets into fashion design and makes Ralph Lauren look like a busboy on minimum wage. Everybody else winds up sucking dick for crack.

Slapshot: Lily Braden doesn’t go back to her asshole hockey star of a husband. Instead, she cuts the brake lines of his car and he winds up under a gas truck. She gets away clean. Ned Braden is such an asshole that anybody in the tri-state area could’ve killed him. She winds up falling in love with Suzanne Hanrahan (she admitted in the film that she’s a lesbian), who also kills her neanderthal husband and successfully makes it look like an accident.

Smoky and the Bandit: Burt Reynolds crashes in the freeway median, gets tasered a dozen times while fighting the cops (everybody was on coke in the ’70s), gets a cop’s gun halfway out of his holster, and gets shot 50 times. Sally Field narrowly escapes a shotgun wedding with Sheriff Buford’s idiot son and winds up running off with Little Enos Burdett, who’s only 4’8″ but is packing a footlong in his pants.

Out of Africa: Meryl Streep shoots Robert Redford because her romance with him makes The Bostonians look wild and exciting. Meryl runs off to join Philadelphia’s roller derby scene. The movie winds up as devoid of plot as the original but I can sit for 3 hours to see women on roller skates smashing the shit out of each other.

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