If you’re not a huge fucking dork like me, you probably haven’t been keeping rabidly up-to-date on the Michael Bay Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live-action movie. It is…disappointing.
Such as, Megan Fox as April O’Neil. Or the dwarf from Seinfeld playing Splinter. Or Will Arnett, as yet unnamed but the probable Shredder. Four randos as the turtles. My heart as Michael Bay’s fever dream.
I hate Michael Bay. I hate his idea of life. I hate that he has billions of dollars and therefore could give no more fucks about what people think of him.
This isn’t the first thing he’s damaged beyond a shadow of hope, but let’s at least give him some ideas that would be entertaining to watch.
Joke-Off: Other Adaptations That Michael Bay Can Fuck Up
- The Diary of Anne Frank, Nazi Hunter
- Driving Miss Daisy Through A Fucking Explosion
- The Hours Until Everyone Dies
- Megan Fox Masturbating For 7 Days
- Schindler’s List Of Explosive Devices
- The Hunger Games Starring Megan Fox
- Captain Planet Except He Just Murders Everyone And Also Megan Fox Is There
- Moby’s Dick-Copter Shooting At Whales And Shit
- Scary Movie
- The Magic Schoolbus Rams Into Fire Vaginas
- The Last Of The Mohicans Comes Back For Vengeance
- Everything You Love Is Exploding
- Lord Of The Rings: With Trucks
- Life Of Pi On A Speedboat Also The Tiger Is His Best Friend
- Avatar: The Last Airbender Redux
- The Notebook
- The Dread Pirate Roberts Was Way Cooler Than Buttercup: The Movie
- Harry Potter And The Really Racist Rat Friends That Follow Him Around
- Sense And SensibiliTITTIES
- The Collected Works Of Ernest Hemingway
- Marley And Me And Misogyny: A Tale Of Dicks And Fire
Add your submissions into the comments below. We vote for a winner on Thursday, announced on Friday!– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Koleslaw: I’d hit* that.** (* “hit” here refers to “enjoy”) (** “that” refers to “several different flavors of ice cream”)