To the Unrealistically Loud Popcorn Eaters In Front Of Me,
You are genuinely upset at the fact that my friends and I are laughing during Jurassic Park 3D. Indeed, this movie was never intended to be a comedy. It is, however, one of the funniest movies I have seen in years, and that is counting the fact that I sat through The Last Airbender.
How everyone felt watching The Last Airbender.
You may say:
“Oh, but it’s the first time I’ve seen it.”
Yeah, me too. That’s right–seeing it right here right now is the first time I’ve ever seen the entire thing.
“Oh, but it’s so serious.”
No, it’s about motherfucking dinosaurs and Jeff Goldblum.
“It’s a cinematic masterpiece.”
It might be the best movie ever made for a large number of reasons, but not even one of those will be how serious and dramatic this movie was.
You have to recognize the comedy of this movie.
My nipples get all scratchy in the rain.
Jeff Goldblum spends the first half of the movie trying to bang Laura Dern and her mysteriously wispy bangs for a serious researcher. He spends the last half of the movie like this. He’s not even injured on his chest, he just really likes his man nipples and thinks everyone else should too.
How I Feel About Jeff Goldblum
She helps nothing, ever, for any reason. She is useless in this movie except to make Sam Neill regret having testicles. She, and her douchey little brother Timmy, fuck up everything for everyone all the time. Take her out of the movie, and you know what happens? Jurassic Park would be totally safe, and we might have DinoCuba today.
Hell, Sam Neill has to spend 20 minutes saving her from falling through a ceiling panel. He is delayed, as Alicia kindly pointed out, because he can’t find anywhere to grab her that isn’t a molestation charge.
Here? No. Here? No. I’ll just cup your butt gently.
Laura, can you cry like a real person? No? Okay…
This movie is a fucking masterpiece, and it is painfully hilarious in all the best ways.
If you can’t laugh at a movie where an old man eats ice cream alone instead of finding his lost grandchildren, Sam Jackson says, “Hold on to your butts,” and where a young child gets launched off an electric fence by the force of his own stupidity, then we cannot be friends.
Noa D(inosaur) Gavin
I’m constantly in trouble for laughing inappropriately. What’s the most accidentally funny thing you’ve ever seen? Did you get in trouble for laughing inappropriately?– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Valerie: I feel like I need a ginormous picture of a strangers asshole in my dining room… You know… As a conversational piece.