If You Can’t Laugh At A Raptor, What Can You Laugh At?

04/29/2013 · 27 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person

To the Unrealistically Loud Popcorn Eaters In Front Of Me,

You are genuinely upset at the fact that my friends and I are laughing during Jurassic Park 3D. Indeed, this movie was never intended to be a comedy. It is, however, one of the funniest movies I have seen in years, and that is counting the fact that I sat through The Last Airbender.


 How everyone felt watching The Last Airbender.

You may say:

“Oh, but it’s the first time I’ve seen it.”
Yeah, me too. That’s right–seeing it right here right now is the first time I’ve ever seen the entire thing.

“Oh, but it’s so serious.”
No, it’s about motherfucking dinosaurs and Jeff Goldblum.

“It’s a cinematic masterpiece.”
It might be the best movie ever made for a large number of reasons, but not even one of those will be how serious and dramatic this movie was.

You have to recognize the comedy of this movie.

Jeff Goldblum:


My nipples get all scratchy in the rain. 

Jeff Goldblum spends the first half of the movie trying to bang Laura Dern and her mysteriously wispy bangs for a serious researcher. He spends the last half of the movie like this. He’s not even injured on his chest, he just really likes his man nipples and thinks everyone else should too.



 How I Feel About Jeff Goldblum

She helps nothing, ever, for any reason. She is useless in this movie except to make Sam Neill regret having testicles. She, and her douchey little brother Timmy, fuck up everything for everyone all the time. Take her out of the movie, and you know what happens? Jurassic Park would be totally safe, and we might have DinoCuba today.

Hell, Sam Neill has to spend 20 minutes saving her from falling through a ceiling panel. He is delayed, as Alicia kindly pointed out, because he can’t find anywhere to grab her that isn’t a molestation charge.


Here? No. Here? No. I’ll just cup your butt gently. 

Laura Dern:


Laura, can you cry like a real person? No? Okay…

The Raptors:








Laura Dern.

This movie is a fucking masterpiece, and it is painfully hilarious in all the best ways.

If you can’t laugh at a movie where an old man eats ice cream alone instead of finding his lost grandchildren, Sam Jackson says, “Hold on to your butts,” and where a young child gets launched off an electric fence by the force of his own stupidity, then we cannot be friends.


Noa D(inosaur) Gavin

I’m constantly in trouble for laughing inappropriately. What’s the most accidentally funny thing you’ve ever seen? Did you get in trouble for laughing inappropriately?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Valerie: I feel like I need a ginormous picture of a strangers asshole in my dining room… You know… As a conversational piece. 
Mayor Gia April 29, 2013 at 6:55 am

Sooo….are Laura Dern and Helen Hunt the same person?
Mayor Gia recently posted..And Then I Fell Down

Bill G. April 30, 2013 at 6:17 pm

Yes, and they were in a previous life, too.

Kathleen April 29, 2013 at 8:01 am

My friends and I got yelled at after a movie for “being too loud, and ruining all the emotional moments!”, which was weird because except for one outburst of hysterical laughter at the moving reunion of Hagrid and the Hogwartians,, WE weren’t the ones making the snide comments about Harry and Ron. That was the amazing and fantasticly bitchy row of gay men behind us. We just kept laughing at their perceptiveness is all.

Dylan April 29, 2013 at 8:10 am

I once got into trouble from by boyfriend when we went to see Paranormal activity 2 or 3… These twatsticks of teenagers behind us kept laughing so I turned around in a really quiet moment of the movie and told them to either share the fucking joke or shut their cake holes. They didn’t share the joke and I got to watch the movie in peace.

Cheryl S. April 29, 2013 at 8:26 am

I WAS the inappropriately funny thing. Here’s the Cliff Notes version of the story.

First, I have no depth perception (this is important). Mom, brother and I are walking in the mall. He decides to jump over a brick bench. Not to be outdone (I am the older sister!) I decide to follow (while holding a soda and a soft pretzel.) I jump! I catch my foot on the bench! I fall flat.on.my.face. The soda goes one way, the pretzel goes the other way, and I’m laying there like the dumbass I am. Well, my mom and brother couldn’t even help me, since they were laughing too hard. I believe my mom may have wet her pants.

Since I was a teenager at a time, I had to pick myself up off the floor and try to slink out the door (despite my very busted up knee) while my mom and brother pissed themselves laughing.

LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? April 29, 2013 at 8:32 am

I really need to go see this in 3D now. I was too little to see it when it came out the first time, but my older cousins told me all about it. They tried to terrify me with plastic dinosaurs while I was in the bathroom. It wasn’t scary even then.
LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? recently posted..The Snack-Based Mystery Theatre presents: “My husband smells like goldfish” and other chilling tales.

Stephanie Iris April 29, 2013 at 8:47 am

I always thought Laura Dern looked like she needed to poop every time she cried.

Bill G. April 30, 2013 at 6:23 pm

That or she did a shot of Jim Beam before each of those shots.

Roxie April 29, 2013 at 9:34 am

Now I feel a little less guilty for laughing the first time I heard that Sonny Bono died skiing into a tree.

Koleslaw April 29, 2013 at 9:37 am

I was a kid when Jurassic Park originally came out (7th grade I think) and I LOVED it because DINOSAURS, AWESOME EFFECTS, DINOSAURS! I loved it so much I decided to be one of “those people” and so I read the book. The book wasn’t bad, it certainly had a lot more going on than the movie (which is almost universally the case.) Michael Crichton is probably about on-par with Nora Robers or Patricia Cornwell, he writes average books with wide appeal that lots of people read.

I watched the movie recently (within the last couple years) and as an older, wiser (ha!) person I found the movie WAY more entertaining when you’re realizing how absolutely terrible it is. You’re right, it’s a fucking masterpiece.

Also, if you think Lex is worthless, you should see her in the book (BOOK SPOILERS ZOMG):

In the book she’s younger than Tim and all she ever does is annoy the adults and/or scream loudly attracting whatever dinosaurs might be hunting them at any given time. In the movie they made her older and made her an 3l33t m4x0r h4x0r and gave her the stupidest line in the movie, “IT’S A UNIX SYSTEM, I KNOW THIS!” (I think of Smokey from Friday when I hear that line.) In the book she is literally worthless. Everything in the book might have gone smoothly if she weren’t in it. Tim knows all about the dinosaurs, is well-behaved, and he’s the computer guy that fixes everything at the end. Lex screams and screams and screams some more. Did I mention she screams a lot?

Anyways, the voice you’re hearing is Richard Kiley. They spared no expense! Except for the fact that Newman from Seinfeld was able to destroy the entire parks security with one friggen command on his computer.

Laura April 29, 2013 at 10:08 am

I laughed my buff off this morning when my alarm clock went off at 7 when I had been up since 4 am. My Dad didn’t get the joke.

Jen April 29, 2013 at 11:21 am

I may have laughed inappropriately during “Schindler’s List” for obscure Liam Neeson reasons. Also, I’m an asshole.
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Dana the Biped April 29, 2013 at 12:21 pm

Hey, that’s how I cry! And I’m a real person! But seriously, my face is the reason nobody bought in my group bought the roller coaster photo from the amusement park this weekend. MY FACE IS THE REASON NO ONE WANTED THE PHOTO.
Dana the Biped recently posted..All About the Ladies

Kelly April 29, 2013 at 12:58 pm

Ok, so I very nearly got my ass kicked by a movie theater full of people…. I got dragged to see Passion of the Christ (should have known I’d find a way to get myself in trouble there).

So Jesus is praying in the garden of Gethsemane (incredibly proud of myself for nailing the spelling of that FIRST TRY. Boo-to-the-yah) and it’s super super super quiet with him whisper-praying and there’s a snake slithering through the grass towards him…… and then BOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!! He stomps on it and it’s really loud and it startled me and I screamed “JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!!” and then proceeded to snort laugh for about 10 minutes.

I thought I was going to be killed.
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Bill G. April 30, 2013 at 6:51 pm

Whenever I see a picture of Jesus, I always have to say, “That’s an excellent portrait of Barry Gibb.” People sure to get wound up over that shit. It’s like I put a turd in the punch bowl or something. I almost got beat up in college making that comment at a girl’s house because she got all weird and pissed-off and four of her guy-friends (a.k.a. dudes that were trying to fuck her) jumped in to defend her honor. She’s a “good” Presbyterian, doncha know? I pointed out the irony of her holding a 90-octane rum & coke in one hand (just enough coke to color it a little), a joint behind her ear, and that I saw her high on mushrooms the previous weekend. That just made it worse. Goddamn, if you’re belligerent when you’re on pot, you need fucking help.

Valerie April 29, 2013 at 5:52 pm

Whoa whoa whoa… Jump back!

You sat through The Last Airbender?!?!

Did you also write M Night Shamalin a strongly worded letter demanding the 1 hour and 43 minutes of your life back?!? Because I’m still waiting on a reply from that cow.


Valerie recently posted..X is for X Marks The Spot… On my face

Melissa April 29, 2013 at 8:32 pm

anything by m.night shamalamadingdong should be destroyed. they are all garbage.

Valerie April 30, 2013 at 12:17 pm
Melissa April 30, 2013 at 7:28 pm

Why thank you. I love you too!

Melissa April 29, 2013 at 8:31 pm

Jurassic Park is one of my favorite movies. Only because with it, comes the memory of my mother (now deceased), cheering and clapping, loudly, in the middle of the theater, when the lawyer gets eaten by the t-rex. She hated lawyers. It’s one of my favorite childhood memories of her and the main reason I want to go re-see it in the theater!

Lisa Newlin April 29, 2013 at 11:56 pm

When I was in law school, for Evidence class we read a case involving the words penis and vagina. The class was taught by one of the attorneys who prosecuted people in the My Lai Massacre. He was internationally respected, uptight and super straight laced. He was like a stern grandpa.

He kept saying something about whether the statement about the “penis going into the vagina” would be allowed into evidence, or if it was hearsay, and the room of 80 soon-t0-be lawyers cracked up and couldn’t stop laughing.

I definitely was leading the charge.

He then totally lost it on us and started yelling about how none of us could be legal professionals if we couldn’t say “penis going into the vagina” in a court of law without cracking up. He JUST KEPT SAYING PENIS AND VAGINA!

That just made us laugh harder.

I’ve been out of law school nearly 10 years and have had to ask questions about a penis and/or vagina over the years of being a lawyer. But nothing, and I mean nothing, has made me laugh quite as hard as hearing an attorney who used to work with F. Lee Bailey yell at a room of law students about saying “penis” and “vagina.”

I’m cracking up just writing about it!
Lisa Newlin recently posted..Farrah Abraham’s “oopsie” video and why I’m sure it was an accident

Bill G. April 30, 2013 at 6:54 pm

I took one law class in college for a general ed credit. I learned a word that I remember to this day. What do you call it when a person is killed by being pushed out of a window? Defenestration.

Scarlet April 30, 2013 at 11:28 am

My sister, cousins and I are no longer allowed to sit near each other during funerals because we laugh inappropriately. Our average age is 45 and we still cannot behave. At the last one my cousin nailed me in the ribs so hard trying to get my attention that I started that silent laughter. My whole body was shaking. Tears were gushing down my face. I walked/ran from the room and prayed it looked like I was overcome with grief. Not even glares from disapproving old ladies could calm us.

Bill G. April 30, 2013 at 6:33 pm

So let me guess, the popcorn eaters were upset that you were ruining the surprise ending.

My only movie experiences lately are watching Finding Nemo or How To Train Your Dragon at 10AM with my daughter, 20 or so mommies, and 60-70 munchkins. It’s actually not bad because I’m not expecting to get a damn thing out of the experience. The lights are on 1/4 power, kids are running around, one of them cries and gets taken out temporarily about every 10 minutes, and parents can only keep the talking down to a dull roar. I don’t care as long as they’re not yelling in my ear, which hasn’t happened yet. It would piss me off if I spent $20 for tickets and $14 on snacks and I was on a date. At the kiddie matinee, I don’t give a flying fuck. Another successful daddy-daughter date, life could be a whole lot worse.

JP May 1, 2013 at 1:10 am

On my first day in Organic Chemistry class in college, one of my roommates & I sat next to each other in the front row. As the professor started lecturing, I realized that he sounded exactly like Kermit the Frog. I drew a little picture of a Kermit face on my notebook and showed it to my friend. She got it immediately and started to to the silent laugh. This made me do the silent laugh even harder, full body convulsions and snorts included. Professor Kermit shot us a few looks, but it was impossible to stop. I put my head down and rode it out. I think I got a C in that class.

Bill G. May 1, 2013 at 6:43 pm

Reminds me of my Navy days. On the ship, everybody had to be a qualified firefighter. We had this Damage Control Chief that used to give us training all the time. He talked exactly like Elmer Fudd and several of us could never stop laughing. This guy was fat, had huge tattoos on both forearms, and was a salty old bastard in every sense of the word. Imagine listening to a guy who talks exactly like Elmer Fudd and says “fuck” a lot. Just when I thought somebody saying, “Shut yer fuckin’ hole!” couldn’t get any funnier.

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