I Don’t Give A Shit About The State Of Your Dick In Relation To Me

04/15/2013 · 21 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

Hi there.

I’m a woman. You’ve probably seen me out and about, walking around. Probably at the grocery store, in Chipotle, or up on stage. You’ve also probably thought that with my being a woman and existing as such, that I’ve been dying to know the state of your dick in relation to me.

You may think my mind is spinning with your-dick-related thoughts. Do you want to fuck me with it? Is your dick enjoying the clothing that I’m wearing? Will your dick make the thoughts of my goals and aspirations disappear? Will it cure homosexuality? Are you sure that I also want it based on my kindness? Are you softer than a frightened banana at the sight of me?

Allow me to put an end your eternal questioning of my state of wonderment at your dick: I don’t give a shit about your dick in relation to me. 

I know–you have a dick, and I’m the general proximity of it either literally or figuratively. How could I not care? Here’s the thing:

I Don’t Care If You Think I Need/Want Your Dick

I don’t want your dick. I have told you that, either through physical action or words. Believe me when I say it. Even if you disagree about whether or not I need or want your dick, it doesn’t change my mind even one little bit. I don’t want it. If I did, I’d ask for it. No amount of coercion or force is going to change that.

So Please Stop:

  • Catcalling me on the street
  • Referring to me as my body parts (Such As: “Hey there big titties.”)
  • Thinking that you can change my mind, sexuality, or marital status with the might of your dick
  • Thinking that my clothes/hair/makeup/sexual past mean I deserve your dick–it is not a prize to be won

If I Don’t Ask, I Don’t Want To See, So Keep that D Away From Me! And if you don’t, you’re a fucking monster. 

I Don’t Care If You’re Being Nice So I’ll Be Nice To Your Dick

Did you help me with my groceries? Did you open a door for me? Did you watch a movie with me, maybe several nights in a row? Did you do that so I will touch your dick, but in reality, I don’t want it? Man–am I a bitch or what?

I’m not a bitch at all! I just don’t want to be fucked in exchange for niceties, favors, or friendship. That’s just prostitution for lesser value than real dollars, but still with loss of self-respect! Can you imagine your mom blowing some dude for helping her through a difficult time? Then why would you expect me to do that, you fucking monster? 

So Please Stop:

  • Referring to platonic relationships where you don’t state your desire for sexual relations and then are mad when they don’t happen as Friendzoning. You can’t deposit into a fuckbank and cash in as needed.
  • Thinking that being a nice guy means you deserve pussy
  • Thinking that you deserve pussy for merit of existing
  • Thinking that it is my job to help get you the pussy

I Don’t Care That You Wouldn’t Fuck Me

Thanks for telling me that you wouldn’t fuck me after viewing my picture, reading my writing, seeing my show, seeing me on the street, talking to me, having your advances rebuffed, speaking to my friends, or commenting on something that I have done.

I don’t give a shit if you wouldn’t fuck me. It doesn’t affect my self-esteem, desires, hopes, dreams, or daily routine. You wouldn’t put it in me because I’m: ugly, fat, skinny, tall, short, not funny, funny, smart, dumb, old, bitchy, whiny, needy, desperate, slutty, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. I do not live my life for your dick. I do not wear the clothes I wear or use the makeup I use or create or work or exist so that you will put your dick in me. Your dick is not the highest echelon of my life’s goals. You’re a fucking monster for thinking that’s all a woman could want to achieve. 

So Please Stop:

  • Saying stupid shit like, “yeah, she’s funny/pretty/talented/nice/________ but I wouldn’t fuck her,” because no one even asked. I am more than the sum of my crotch, you fucking asshole.
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From KDawg: that sloth is terrifying/ terrified. why is he just sitting on a boat? people put their sloths on boats like that? i feel like he needs a leash or something, or at the very least a seatbelt.
Todd April 15, 2013 at 1:59 am

Okay, let’s just say, for example, I brought you a sloth…does that change anything?
Todd recently posted..Across the Galaxy, to your underpants

Mayor Gia April 15, 2013 at 6:47 am

Hahahah this reminds me of that garfunkel and oates song I love. Particularly the line “I wouldn’t touch your dick if I was poisoned and the antidote was in your sperm.”

I haven’t had a good reason to use that in real life yet. But one day…
Mayor Gia recently posted..Game of Thrones is Back

LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? April 15, 2013 at 8:17 am

Whew. So glad I’m not a man anywhere near you right now. In my experience, the best way to wilt all the dicks is to scare them into submission. Maybe you should just print this out and carry it around with you, cause that will do the trick, I think.
LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? recently posted..If you understand what I’m saying, then quit looking at me like that.

Kenny Boy April 15, 2013 at 8:45 am

But I drive a 2005 Corolla…how can you resist the Corolla? Plus I am sporting a pair of WalMart jeans with a classy JC Penny polo shirt! Hell, I’m getting hot just thinking about how appealing I am to the ladies.

Laura April 15, 2013 at 10:27 am

Please put that on a shirt: “If I Don’t Ask, I Don’t Want To See, So Keep that D Away From Me!”
Laura recently posted..Inappropriate Places to Fart

Roxie April 15, 2013 at 10:36 am

I want a recording of you reading this out loud, constantly playing in all locker rooms!

Alison April 15, 2013 at 11:32 am

I need to print this out and hand it to people who deserve it.
Alison recently posted..Lovies.

Jaime April 15, 2013 at 1:15 pm

YES!

Dana the Biped April 15, 2013 at 12:38 pm

Oh, but haven’t you heard? A man’s desire to interact trumps your desire to be left alone, because PENIS.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Just Say No–to Scissors

Bill G. April 15, 2013 at 1:21 pm

No no, you’re impressed with beer bottle and knife/sword collections, and it’s a real bonus if a guy has >2 sets of nunchucks and practices with them daily. On that front, a guy is incurable optimist.

Jen April 15, 2013 at 1:22 pm

Sadly, this goes both ways at times. Just the other day a guy at work said he needed to “have a talk” with me about how I was “obviously in love with him, but…umm, I’m sorry…I have a girlfriend”. Amber Alert, you egomaniacal asshat: Not every woman who smiles at you by the water cooler is looking to get in your pants. Some of us are just fucking rays of sunshine, so get over yourself.
Jen recently posted..Country Girl, Shake It For Me

Bill G. April 16, 2013 at 9:22 pm

Oh dear god. I used to work with a guy who swore up and down that nearly every woman in the place was constantly checking him out and wanted to boff his brains out. Funny how his roommates never saw him with a girl in 2 years. I hung out with one of this fruitcake’s roommates, who was an alright guy. He sure drew the joker in the deck getting this dork-ass roommate, though. What is wrong with these people?

Misty April 15, 2013 at 2:51 pm

Oh Noa. You silly silly female, you. Don’t you understand that you were created just as a deposit for a man? That you not wanting it, just makes it better? Then they have to work for it. Then it’s a challenge. A conquest. And if you really, truly, actually don’t want/need/accept their dicks? Fuck you, you fucking lesbian.

I am saddened that this post even needs to exist.
Misty recently posted..The Quest for Mickey

Koleslaw April 15, 2013 at 3:41 pm

I’d hit* that.**

* “hit” here refers to “enjoy”
** “that” refers to “several different flavors of ice cream”

Valerie April 15, 2013 at 10:15 pm

What if I were to say, hypothetically speaking of course, that I would dress my dick in a top hat and monocle. And said dick would speak in only the finest of British accents. Would that change you stance on my dick in any way?

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..M is for Maniac… And Elijah Wood’s obvious obsession with me

Amanda- The Southern Unbelle April 16, 2013 at 11:03 am

Bravo. So well stated.
Amanda- The Southern Unbelle recently posted..Galveston County Fair: Subtitled- J, K, L, and M… They’re All In Here Somewhere (probably)

Johi Kokjohn-Wagner April 16, 2013 at 4:27 pm

My love for you grows stronger every day… and I say that without one thought of a dick.

Okay, now I’m thinking about dicks because I’m trying not to think of dicks.
Johi Kokjohn-Wagner recently posted..The Disgruntled Traveler’s Guide to a Successful Trip.

Janene April 16, 2013 at 7:06 pm

This just confirms that every sperm is not sacred. Monty Python, you were wrong.

Have you considered the advice of Robin Williams and just laughing at their asses?

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