You’re Taking Me To Frowntown While You’re Dealing With Browntown

03/25/2013 · 46 comments

in Dead Animals,How Did My Life Come To This,Sadist Vagina,What Is Wrong With You?

It should never be difficult to manage a public restroom. I notice that when I use the restroom in most people’s homes, it’s relatively clean and tidy. There is no pee on the floor, no one shit on the bathmat and left it there, no one gently laid their horrifyingly overtaxed maxipad on the counter for everyone to see.

Why, then, is using a public restroom an exercise in terror and disease?

Lock The Fucking Door, You Idiot

There’s a lock on every public restroom in the entire US. Use that shit–lock that door. If possibly you will require assistance later in your crotch-ventures, then your assistant should be posted right outside the door, serving as a human-toilet-lock. Locks could have prevented all of these terrible and still true past incidents:

  • Walking in on a woman furiously masturbating while peeing in a Dickey’s
  • Walking in on a very very old woman who was completely nude, feet up on her sit-walker, chatting with her husband WHO WAS RIGHT OUTSIDE AND DIDN’T INFORM ME OF THE SITUATION
  • Walking in on at least 7 couples going to town on each other
  • Walking in on every woman ever who didn’t want to use a lock, and gave me a dirty look when they left

I didn’t jimmie the lock, you sack of shit–this is all on you. I didn’t want to see you hover pissing while pulling your swimsuit to the side either. Locks are here for our convenience to keep others up out of our business. USE ‘EM.

If The Door Is Locked, Then Hold Your Fucking Piss-Horses

I have taken my precautions and locked the door, and now I’m gonna need you to cool your goddamn heels, Fraulein Pisstimer. I am peeing, not building ships in bottles. I am not in charge of the timeclock on this–I will have to wash my hands, and will probably take paper towels outside to dry my hands so that you can come in sooner. I will hurry, but I need this just as much as you do. If people would have waited like decent humans, these terrible and still true past incidents would not have occurred:

  • A woman shaking the door so hard at the airport that she broke the lock, and left the fucking door open so everyone could see me peeing
  • A cleaning woman slamming my ankles 91 times with the broom underneath the stall because she could not wait one minute for me to vacate the premises
  • A stranger (woman) jimmying the lock on a single-toilet public restroom while my cousin Lana was peeing, entering the restroom while making eye contact with Lana, locking the door behind her, waiting on Lana to finish while still maintaining eye contact, and then using the toilet while Lana washed her hands. WHY?

You have my permission to call time on me after 5 minutes, but if you come in before then, I will piss on everything you love.

Others Are Waiting, So Hurry Your Silly Ass Up

I heard your toilet flush. I heard you wash your hands. All of that occurred 5 minutes ago. Get the fuck out here, bitch, or I will go all John McClane on your ass and kick the door in for freedom. I know you want to ensure you have the perfect cat-eye before you meet up with the sad sack of a man you’ll blow tonight, but get some hustle in that step. If you would have kicked your speed up a notch, that would have prevented all of these terrible and yet still true incidents:

  • Every time I’ve seen someone puke on the floor because you are a narcissistic whore.
  • Every time a child pees their pants because you are a narcissistic whore.
  • Every time I use the far more disgusting mens room because you are a narcissistic whore.

Your time allotment has expired, and you are just gonna have to jump back on the train and try it again.

Back That Ass Down 

For the love of sweet Jesus Christ, plant your ass right ‘cher and do your business. You have an option of disposable toilet-seat covers, toilet paper, or bringing your own ass-condom with you if you cannot stomach skin-to-seat contact, so use one of them or get the fuck out of here. You don’t have the balance to hover–if you did, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. If you hadn’t gone all Princess and the Pee on us, it would have prevented the following terrible and yet still true incidents:

  • The time, once a month, where you see an entire log of shit just laying limply across the seat. Did you stand on the seat and hope for a bullseye?
  • The time, once a month, where you see a vile used tampon or heinous pad either on the floor, on the seat, or as I have seen more than a few times, hung or stuck to the door. Are you an animal marking her territory? Because I will rip your throat out with my teeth and declare myself the Alpha if you feel that’s the proper way to manage your uterine tears.
  • The time, once a day, where someone has just pissed on everything. We don’t have dicks, ladies, so how are you helicoptering your whizz so effectively? At this point, I’m just curious, because I’ve become numb to how much stranger urine I encounter.

As you may not yet be aware, you are not the only person in the world, and your gross, heinous, negative actions affect others grossly, heinously, and negatively.

Fuck. You.

I’m really afraid of the gates I’m opening here, but we’ve all seen this–what’s your grossest public restroom story?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Abby Has Issues: Vote for Abby Has Issues! She’s hilarious and has never made the list and saves abandoned unicorns who were rejected for dysfunctional sexual organs and shitting glitter! Wait…this comment will be published anonymously, right? Because otherwise, hee hee, vote for whoever you want! That would be RIDICULOUS to promote myself for validation!

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