Questions I Never Thought I’d Need To Ask In The Last Week But Absolutely Have

03/04/2013 · 23 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, What Is Wrong With You?

  • Hey, does anyone know who owns that motorcycle some guy on coke just ran over with a trailer full of deer heads?
  • Do you have to walk through that S&M photoshoot to get to the car or can you go around them?
  • What do you think works better, the elephant phone-sex line or the bear office manager?
  • Is that guy dead?
  • Oh god, did someone shit mexican food into the trash chute again?
  • What is it going to take to get a decent photo of a potato riding a horse?
  • Would a fight between the Lumineers be very evenly paced?
  • Do you think the upstairs neighbor left his vibrator on the floor again or is that just his phone this time?
  • What happens when you suck in on a party horn? (answer: all of the tinsel shoots down your throat and chokes you)
  • Brownies shouldn’t take two hours to bake, right?
  • Did someone shit on this wall?
  • So if you’re actually presenting the idea that in multiverse theory that everything is connected–even fiction–than in some universe the Ninja Turtles are real?
  • Do you think they wouldn’t be allowed to get married there because instead of gay people it’s mutants?
  • Do you think multiverse Lady Gaga tells them they were born that way, but it’s kind of a lie, so they were mutated that way, because either way it wasn’t a choice?
  • Do you think Neil DeGrasse Tyson spends any time thinking about potentially real Ninja Turtles?
  • But where did the skeleton go? (Answer: on top of the vending machine)
  • Want me to hang the hotdog next to the graduation robes or the doctor coat?
  • We’re putting the pinata head back on the sconce, right?
  • Is this anyone’s dismembered baby?

It’s been a weird week for me.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve said or heard lately?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Valerie: Not only are they hilarious, but I learned if I write things on my hand before I hit people, it’s totally acceptable.
winopants March 4, 2013 at 4:13 am

Neil DeGrasse Tyson is so damn awesome, I’m sure he does spend time thinking about potentially real Ninja Turtles
winopants recently posted..Asbestos Cocaine, and Other Nonsensical Ways to Die

Mayor Gia March 4, 2013 at 6:50 am

I don’t have anything good! Damnit. WHY AM I SO BORING?!?
Mayor Gia recently posted..Doctor, Revisited: A Slightly Better Experience

Kathleen March 4, 2013 at 7:53 am

Just this week it was, “Why are you picking your sister’s nose?”
But because of the combination of having kids and being in a forensic science program, I hardly notice how weird my questions/statements are anymore. A typical phone conversation now goes like this, “oh, hi, mom. (STOP RUNNING THROUGH THE KITCHEN NAKED!) No, not you, mom. I don’t know, I guess Wednesday would be (PUT DOWN MAMA’S BLOOD SPATTER, THAT TOOK HOURS TO MAKE, GO GET YOUR OWN!), fine, Wednesday will be fine. What do you mean I shouldn’t encourage them to get blood everywhere? Oh, geez, it’s not REAL blood. What? Yeah, I’m pretty sure they know that…huh. You know what, I’ll just go see what they’re up to, call you later!”

Kristen Allen March 4, 2013 at 8:56 am

While I can’t top Kathleen’s, this “Jackism” from my 12-year-old is pretty good:

“Mom, imagine if I happened to be walking around in Alaska and just happened to come across a pack of wolves. And imagine if I realized that this was probably a bad day to be wearing my pork chop scented deodarant.”

LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? March 4, 2013 at 10:20 am

Just yesterday, my husband woke me up at about 7:00 a.m. I immediately began crying. Of course, he was greatly concerned and asked, “What’s wrong? It’s not that early!”
And I said (apparently): “I’m a bear! Pete, why am I a bear!?”
“What? You’re a bear?” He was laughing at me now.
“I’m a bear! Look, look at my paws!” I swatted my hands at his face as I cried and he laughed some more.

Then he left me alone and let me go back to sleep. Winning!
LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? recently posted..The gruesome death of fruit.

nadine March 4, 2013 at 10:58 am

“Is he actually ball-less or metaphorically ball-less, because I know some guys…”
“Do you think he is the kind of guy to pay a woman to stop on his scrote with high heels while he sobs? I bet he is.”

This week has been brought to you by Balls.

Jen March 4, 2013 at 11:57 am

Actual quotes from this weekend…

KELLY: Why does my burrito smell like vagina and misogyny?

JACK: Who would win in a death match, Mommy? Captain Hammer, or a manatee with razors for fins?

HILARY: Should MC Hammer really be thanking the Lord for “a mind to rhyme and two hype feet”? Shouldn’t he be asking the Big Guy for a little tax acumen?

ME: You guys know this shit’s all going into my blog, right?
Jen recently posted..“So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehn, Goodbye”

NATurally Inappropriate March 5, 2013 at 1:29 pm

You do N O T want to know how ‘auf wiedersehn’ is spelled in my head.
NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..Red Velvet & a Smart Car

Emelie March 4, 2013 at 12:10 pm

Okay.. What is happening in your life?
Emelie recently posted..Kili

Dana the Biped March 4, 2013 at 1:42 pm

“His hair is terrible. I hope he drowns.”

“No, they all have them. Why do you think they call them Brazilian waxes? Because Brazilians all have them. It’s a cultural thing.”
Dana the Biped recently posted..The Banjo of Science

Robin March 4, 2013 at 1:54 pm

“Did you take my dick off the table?” (He claims that’s not what he said. But I know what I heard.)
Robin recently posted..Hi

Amber March 4, 2013 at 1:58 pm

Brennan (age 5); Mom, if the baby is a boy, we should name him Maximum Destruction.

Me: Oh my God, I have now literally seen a deer fly. We need to move out of Michigan, this hell hole breeds mutant deer.

Claire (age 3): Where my daddy?
Me: He’s at work honey.
Claire: Oh. He make money to buy me stuff?
Me: (Choke on whatever beverage I was holding)

Claire: Mommy, my boobies are big! And yours are HUUUUUGE.

Me: Claire, if you want to take off your underwear and play with yourself, please go do it in your bedroom. Not on the living room floor when we have company.

What you should take away from this is that I spend far too much time at home with my children.

jrp March 4, 2013 at 2:07 pm

The elephant phone-sex line.

Noa March 5, 2013 at 8:01 pm

I should have known you’d weigh in on this one.

Dana the Biped March 4, 2013 at 3:04 pm

THIS JUST HAPPENED: The guy who sits in the cubicle next to me just asked, “Can women be mayors? Is that even legal?”

I deserve a bonus.
Dana the Biped recently posted..The Banjo of Science

Johi March 4, 2013 at 3:23 pm

“Why are you licking the chair?”

“Why am I watching American Idol?”

“Why did you jump off the dresser? And why were you on top of the dresser in the first place?”
Johi recently posted..Sunday Sharing: Tunes and Toots.

Kerri March 4, 2013 at 3:46 pm

From my bat-shit crazy Ethics professor “Columbus discovered America, so we discovered morality – it was already there” WTF?

Bill G. March 4, 2013 at 7:54 pm

From my east coast days: Girlfriend walks into my house asking, “Why is there a smashed-up car on our front lawn?”

Valerie March 4, 2013 at 10:00 pm

“What if that piñata is filled with semen?! And it gets all over grandma and dies of a heart attack… Then, in order to not freak the children out, we have to pull the ol’ “Weekend at Bernie’s” gag… I just think we should double check that piñata is all I’m saying…”

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..And then Vader said “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” And No means NO, people!!

Beth March 5, 2013 at 12:07 pm

“Oh, well I like sausage. And we’ve always known that you like the sausage, so it should work out.”
(It was beautiful….)
Beth recently posted..Rise of the Machines

NATurally Inappropriate March 5, 2013 at 1:27 pm

I just spit out soda on my laptop because of the Semen Piñata
NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..Red Velvet & a Smart Car

Laura March 5, 2013 at 9:19 pm

If the ninja turtles are real I hope it’s the Nick version and not the fan fiction stuff…

Also, this weekend after spending a lot of time with a friend of mine, I said “Oh shit, we’re in a lesbian relationship, aren’t we?!” The reaction of everyone else in the room? Priceless.
Laura recently posted..I’m awesome- and forgetful- but namely awesome

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