Joke-Off: Lesser Known Side Effects Of Medication

03/20/2013 · 20 comments

in Joke Off

This week marks the start of the Gross Season–the beginning of Adrian’s nightmare allergies. Until May rolls its pollen-less ass around, it’s all sniffs and giggles around here. With large amounts of prescription medication, he can at least be functional, thank goodness, but some of the new medication’s side effects have me worried. Namely, the suicide, aggressive night terrors, and hepatitis.

But he can breathe, so who the fuck cares!

As terrifying and hilarious as most side effects tend to be, I think we can make up a few fun ones of our own.

Joke-Off: Lesser Known Side Effects Of Medication

  • General feeling of giving a shit
  • Racism
  • Good feelings towards Nicolas Cage’s modern career
  • Buttsplosions
  • Melodious Farts
  • Projectile Sneezes
  • Ebola
  • Colors may gain taste or appear to have sentient thought
  • Disdain toward Adele
  • Alien Hand Syndrome
  • Alien Penis Syndrome
  • Alien Dan Aykroyd Syndrome
  • Multiverse Sight
  • Punctuation Queefs
  • Medium Skills
  • Messiah Syndrome
  • Flat Ass
  • Goat Screaming
  • Night Gambling
  • Madonna Arms
  • The Oprah Shouts
  • Stair Confusion
  • Feelings of being followed by crows
  • Ferret Spine
  • Coffee Ground Poops
  • Appreciation for Cirque Du Soleil
  • The knowledge of how to pronounce Quvenzhane
  • Inadvertent blackface
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Roxie: Did the goop spell out redrum?
winopants March 20, 2013 at 4:36 am

Involuntarily pelvic thrusting
Hobbit feet
“Sketti” cravings
Pet psychic abilities
winopants recently posted..Turtles, Whales, and a Woozle

Mayor Gia March 20, 2013 at 6:55 am

Patients have been known to convert to a new religion while sleeping.
Exploding heart syndrome
Spontaneous Pregnancy

Psst have you heard of intermezzo, the insomnia med? When I saw a commercial with all the side effects, I THOUGHT IT WAS A SPOOF. Risks include thoughts of (and COMPLETED) suicides, hallucinations, personalization, and doing things you have no memory of, like driving a car. ARE YOU SHITTING ME? THIS IS NOT BETTER THAN INSOMNIA. THIS IS INSOMNIA’S EVIL COUSIN, FUCK-UP-YOUR-LIFE-IA. http://www.intermezzorx.com/hcp/isi/index.aspx
Mayor Gia recently posted..Welp. So Much for Healthy Cookies.

Jake March 20, 2013 at 1:47 pm

Jesus Fucking Christ, isn’t that what we have acid for? Almost as disturbing is the fact that there are also several asthma medicines that INCREASE THE RISK OF DEATH FROM ASTHMA. I don’t I can’t even
Jake recently posted..This is pretty much how the American Dream works, too.

Beth March 20, 2013 at 7:52 am

I’m sorry…Hepatitis is a fucking side effect?!?!
Ok. I’m over it. No. I’m not. WTF??

My submissions:
-Relationships you’ll regret later
-False positive pregnancy tests
-Temporary Tourettes Syndrome
-Expanding Cup Size
-Random Orgasms
Beth recently posted..Rise of the Machines

Bill G. March 21, 2013 at 10:13 pm

Hepatitis as a side effect, nice. Reminds me of the time I saw a drug commercial and it listed chronic liver disease as a possible side effect. No thanks, I’ll take my chances with thick yellowing toenails that nobody sees. Feet are gross and I’m not about to show mine off by wearing Jesus slippers around.

Misty March 20, 2013 at 8:08 am

Extreme instances of death.

A deep love and appreciation for all Taylor Swift songs.

Spontaneous Orgasm.

Heart grows 3 sizes.

Overwhelming desire to knit and own 23 cats.

Immaculate conception.
Misty recently posted..Missing Snowmen

Jaclyn March 20, 2013 at 8:09 am

Spontaneous break-dancing
Appreciation for Nickelback
Desire to become a glittery vampire
Atomic farts
Jaclyn recently posted..The Indignities of Being a Toddler

Roxie March 20, 2013 at 10:31 am

Intermittant clucking like a chicken

Roxie March 20, 2013 at 10:32 am

Delusional insistance that you are a Rough Rider

Roxie March 20, 2013 at 10:33 am

The sensation that the floor is lava

Roxie March 20, 2013 at 10:34 am

Conversations between navel and rectum

Roxie March 20, 2013 at 10:35 am

Sweaty feet, but only between the first 2 toes

Dana the Biped March 20, 2013 at 1:35 pm

The belief that wheatgrass tastes good.
The belief that the goop is moving.
Stigmata
An urge to sing Christmas carols
Itchy fingernails
Dana the Biped recently posted..Let Me Show You the Door

Jake March 20, 2013 at 1:55 pm

Forehead genitalia
Donald Trump hair
Rusting
Time travel
Growing a tongue out your asshole
Sex change
Jason Alexander
Jake recently posted..This is pretty much how the American Dream works, too.

Kelly March 20, 2013 at 3:45 pm

Barking like DMX
An infinity for wearing skinny jeans and black eyeliner
Permanent Swamp Ass
Becoming as expressive as Kristen Stewart
Spontaneous orgies in alleyways
Julia Roberts Armpits
Kelly recently posted..Introducing… a brand new superhero! Insecure Girl!

Jen March 20, 2013 at 5:49 pm

Spontaneous human combustion
Fear of all cheese products
That “not so fresh” feeling
Enjoyment of Coldplay
Hipster tendencies
Uncontrollable clucking

Janene March 20, 2013 at 6:59 pm

Giving a rat’s ass about love life, career, whatever.

Janene March 20, 2013 at 7:00 pm

Argh… Noa, my last comment should read:

Giving a rat’s ass about >insert the name of the celebrity you hate here< 's love life, career, new movie, new song, whatever.

Bill G. March 20, 2013 at 8:24 pm

Mysterious carpet burns on your forehead.

Having a couple dozen pictures of Ernest Borgnine in a couple dozen sexual positions and you don’t know where you got them.

Finding a receipt from Village Inn for over $50 in your coat pocket. When going over there to find out who the hell was using your debit card, the waitress recognizes you and tells you that you are one wild chick and you have the official record for most pancakes and waffles eaten in one sitting. And you did it while drinking enough coffee to keep a truck driver jacked up for days. While the waitress is telling you this, several members of the staff are telling each other, “Check it out!! She’s back!!” (This is not my original story, a good lady co-worker friend told me this story about her sister, who did this at 3 AM while on Ambien.)

Laura March 20, 2013 at 9:35 pm

The thinking of 50 Shades of Grey as a meaningful novel.

Recognizing Justin Bieber as a man.

Seeing blogging as general procrastination from real work.

A craving for tofu.
Laura recently posted..Kids are fun- for short periods of time

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