10 Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Didn’t Have A Baby

03/11/2013 · 22 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, Psychological Warfare, Sadist Vagina, Social Services

1. You can sleep as much as you want, and it’s fucking great.

If anyone had told me that I could sleep as much as I want before I didn’t have a baby, I would have slapped them in the face. “You mean I can just sleep until I have to work and then I can sleep more again? As much as I want? PREPOSTEROUS.” But yet, here I am, 25 years old and married and I go to sleep at 3 am and wake up around 11 every day. Insane.

2. You can watch all the TV you want, and it’s so fucking great. 

It’s just such a pain to try and fit in all the fun things I want to do without having a baby. How will I watch all 10 seasons of Supernatural in just one month? What kind of rigorous scheduling am I putting myself through for this? But wait, they just released season 3 of Archer on Netflix today–so screw your schedule! The time goes by quickly, and you have to be smart if you’re going to get it all done–and don’t be afraid to just take a break and get lost on Tumblr for 6 hours if that’s where your day leads!

3. You can take showers for hours if you want to, and it’s so fucking great.

There’s nothing more stressful than trying to shower and hurry so you don’t disturb others–that’s how nipples get lost in the cross-slice of razorblades. If I had known that I could just stay in the shower all damn day eating snow cones and reading horror stories, well, I can’t say that I still wouldn’t have made the exact same choice again!

4. You don’t need any baby things or clothes, and it’s so fucking great.

H&M? Target? Banana Republic? How can I possibly visit all those stores whenever I want to buy things for myself to wear? Do I really need all the things Pinterest says I need? To my surprise, the answer is yes, but that’s okay because I don’t need anything for a baby. Whew! Now you know, so you won’t make the same mistakes.

5. You don’t have to spend your money supporting anyone but yourself, and it’s so fucking great.

Savings accounts, checking accounts, credit cards…it’s all so full of my money to pay for the things I want and need and the stress of it can be overwhelming. I don’t have to get a college savings? Since when?! I don’t need to buy more health insurance? WHAT?! If I’d had more time to plan on not having a baby, I would have put more of my dollars into my bank and things that I want.

6. You don’t have to keep your relatives up to date on anything, and it’s so fucking great.

Once a month I have to call my relatives to update them on everything that’s going on with me lately and it can be so exhausting. Trying to remember all my activities throughout an entire month can be tedious, and they just can’t wait to hear about how I’m not fucking my husband hard enough to fuck up all the good shit in my life right now. Enough already, you know? That’s what Facebook is for!

7. Nothing at all happens to your tits, and it’s so fucking great.

Demi, full, padded, leopard, black, lace–there are so many option to showcase and/or contain my non-dairy creamers it’s overwhelming. The one you want to wear might not be perfect underneath the shirt you really want to wear, and then you have to change your shirt or bra! So time-consuming and annoying.

8. Traveling is a breeze, and it’s so fucking great.

Each time I want to venture farther than my garage, I have to bring my purse and my wallet and my sunglasses and my tic-tacs and my notebook that I never leave behind because my life would just be ruined without it–and you can believe that people don’t look sideways at me with all that gear not in-tow. My kingdom for more sleep on planes because the seats are shaped funny and I have a hard time with that!

9. All your stuff is clean, and it’s so fucking great. 

Once a week, I find myself picking up everything in my house and lightly dusting and vacuuming–all that just to do it again next week! What’s a girl to do when you don’t strew your food around like a heathen? Save your money for a cleaning service, you’re going to want it when you don’t have a baby!

10. You will never stop hearing about how much you need a goddamn baby. 


What do you wish you’d known before you didn’t have a baby?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana The Biped: I’m pretty sure I once dated a guy who couldn’t tell the difference between sex and a pot roast.  
Mayor Gia March 11, 2013 at 6:47 am

Bahahahah man, life is awesome as long as you don’t squeeze out a stupid baby.
Mayor Gia recently posted..My Weekend.

Kenny Boy March 11, 2013 at 8:11 am

You can fuck in the middle of the kitchen floor, and it’s so fucking great.

Our life was just like an day in the life of Jason Stackhouse hopped up on V before we didn’t have a baby. I would be looking for the broom to sweep up the cat food that our insane cat just knocked over when my bride would just come in, rip my shirt like I’m Fabio, then ride me right there in the middle of a stinky pile of Little Friskies. Now that we didn’t have baby, we use the kitchen for heating up Banquet chicken pot pies and drinking milk out of the carton.

Amanda- The Southern Unbelle March 11, 2013 at 8:47 am

I had a baby (she’s old enough to watch herself now) but I wish someone had told me about the shower thing. Yes, long showers to yourself are f*cking great.
Amanda- The Southern Unbelle recently posted..Criminal in a Pant Suit

Jaclyn March 11, 2013 at 9:16 am

Look, Noa. I get it. You’re really happy about not having a baby. The thing is, you keep forgetting that if you don’t have a baby, you also don’t eventually have a toddler. And then you’re missing out on all the toddler things. I will now provide a list of ways your life will be incomplete for never having lived with a toddler:

No one to shit on your floor (and NO, the dog DOESN’T count)
No one to take a piece of food out of their own mouth and insist on shoving it directly into yours
No one will ever scream at you in utter horror and disgust because you’ve just done the thing they asked you to do 10 seconds prior.
No one to ruin your clothes. And your furniture. And your walls.
You WILL NEVER GET TO SAY “Please don’t put stickers on your vagina”

Seriously though, on that last one- the shit I find myself saying out loud is so magically hilarious sometimes, that I don’t mind the whole shitting on my floor thing quite so much (which makes me think I should add “You won’t ever have the opportunity to say you’ve gotten used to someone shitting on your floor” to the above list).
Jaclyn recently posted..Shit My Dad Says- Hobo Bill Strikes Again

Jen March 11, 2013 at 11:13 am

You will have a first name and it will be fucking RAD.

Now I spend my days with two clingy little hobbits following me around yammering “Mommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommy” like Norman Bates on crystal meth. It is magical.
Jen recently posted..Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken: Meet my Son, J.

Kerri March 11, 2013 at 11:14 am

not losing control of your bladder when you sneeze…

LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? March 11, 2013 at 11:39 am

You can get drunk at Disneyland, and no one will judge. And the Pocahontas show is way more entertaining with alcohol than with kids.
LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? recently posted..My husband is probably a superhero and just doesn’t trust me yet.

Laura March 11, 2013 at 12:00 pm

You can cuss all the time if you want, like exclaiming shitballs when your favorite show come on or swearing at the dog.
Laura recently posted..I’m awesome- and forgetful- but namely awesome

Jen March 11, 2013 at 2:00 pm

Wait, you aren’t supposed to cuss in front of your short people? Well. . .fuck.
Jen recently posted..Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken: Meet my Son, J.

Dana the Biped March 11, 2013 at 12:46 pm

Wow, I’m on a roll! Your standards must be falling.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Eat This: Black Dog Smoke and Ale House

Jana March 11, 2013 at 1:57 pm

I am so jealous, I can think of a few doozies that you might want to consider…

You are saving from having to say the words, “Please take barbies legs out of your vagina, that is not where her legs, head, or any other part of her go.”

You get to be spared the pleasure of having to apologize profusely for the small creatures pointing out the ginormous proportions of someone’s ass, why they smell funny or their lack of teeth. On decible level 10.

And last, but not least, you get to avoid the mind numbing (NOT-AH, YEAH-HUH) discussion of why the TV show the “BY-ble” (Bible) is not pronounced “BIBBLE”. Cause they know it ALL.

Anna March 11, 2013 at 1:58 pm

Got the hubz snipped on Friday!

Misty March 11, 2013 at 2:19 pm

And now I am sad. So very very sad.

Thanks a lot, NOA! :p
Misty recently posted..Mustaches and Bacon Make Everything Better!

Abby March 11, 2013 at 2:57 pm

You are so fucking great. The end.
Abby recently posted..A Matter of Taste

nadine March 11, 2013 at 7:44 pm

so what you’re saying is that you’re pregnant then, right?
nadine recently posted..Crossing the Streams

Kristen March 12, 2013 at 2:55 pm

You don’t have to worry about your vag not returning to a somewhat normal, albeit not particularly gorgeous state! Thank God someone told me that before I didn’t have a baby!

carrie March 12, 2013 at 7:26 pm

It would have been great to know, before I didnt have a baby, that 7 IUI’s and 3 IVF’s…. $40,000+ would leave us without a baby. But really, who would have wanted to miss out on all.that.drama and woe, etc. And all the injections in my belly & ass everyday…that shit was dope. Which, incidentally, I’d be great at shooting up from all the practice.

Valerie March 12, 2013 at 9:14 pm

If I could go back in time to before I had kids, I’d eat French fries all the time. Because apparently, once you have kids, you lose your ability to metabolize. French fries and motherfucking milkshakes.



Valerie recently posted..Val’s Infamous Mexican Drug Cartel (Patent Pending)

Alyssa March 16, 2013 at 12:43 pm

Seriously; would it be inappropriate to print this out and pass it out to meddling family members?

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