10 Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Didn’t Have A Baby

03/11/2013 · 22 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person,Psychological Warfare,Sadist Vagina,Social Services

1. You can sleep as much as you want, and it’s fucking great.

If anyone had told me that I could sleep as much as I want before I didn’t have a baby, I would have slapped them in the face. “You mean I can just sleep until I have to work and then I can sleep more again? As much as I want? PREPOSTEROUS.” But yet, here I am, 25 years old and married and I go to sleep at 3 am and wake up around 11 every day. Insane.

2. You can watch all the TV you want, and it’s so fucking great. 

It’s just such a pain to try and fit in all the fun things I want to do without having a baby. How will I watch all 10 seasons of Supernatural in just one month? What kind of rigorous scheduling am I putting myself through for this? But wait, they just released season 3 of Archer on Netflix today–so screw your schedule! The time goes by quickly, and you have to be smart if you’re going to get it all done–and don’t be afraid to just take a break and get lost on Tumblr for 6 hours if that’s where your day leads!

3. You can take showers for hours if you want to, and it’s so fucking great.

There’s nothing more stressful than trying to shower and hurry so you don’t disturb others–that’s how nipples get lost in the cross-slice of razorblades. If I had known that I could just stay in the shower all damn day eating snow cones and reading horror stories, well, I can’t say that I still wouldn’t have made the exact same choice again!

4. You don’t need any baby things or clothes, and it’s so fucking great.

H&M? Target? Banana Republic? How can I possibly visit all those stores whenever I want to buy things for myself to wear? Do I really need all the things Pinterest says I need? To my surprise, the answer is yes, but that’s okay because I don’t need anything for a baby. Whew! Now you know, so you won’t make the same mistakes.

5. You don’t have to spend your money supporting anyone but yourself, and it’s so fucking great.

Savings accounts, checking accounts, credit cards…it’s all so full of my money to pay for the things I want and need and the stress of it can be overwhelming. I don’t have to get a college savings? Since when?! I don’t need to buy more health insurance? WHAT?! If I’d had more time to plan on not having a baby, I would have put more of my dollars into my bank and things that I want.

6. You don’t have to keep your relatives up to date on anything, and it’s so fucking great.

Once a month I have to call my relatives to update them on everything that’s going on with me lately and it can be so exhausting. Trying to remember all my activities throughout an entire month can be tedious, and they just can’t wait to hear about how I’m not fucking my husband hard enough to fuck up all the good shit in my life right now. Enough already, you know? That’s what Facebook is for!

7. Nothing at all happens to your tits, and it’s so fucking great.

Demi, full, padded, leopard, black, lace–there are so many option to showcase and/or contain my non-dairy creamers it’s overwhelming. The one you want to wear might not be perfect underneath the shirt you really want to wear, and then you have to change your shirt or bra! So time-consuming and annoying.

8. Traveling is a breeze, and it’s so fucking great.

Each time I want to venture farther than my garage, I have to bring my purse and my wallet and my sunglasses and my tic-tacs and my notebook that I never leave behind because my life would just be ruined without it–and you can believe that people don’t look sideways at me with all that gear not in-tow. My kingdom for more sleep on planes because the seats are shaped funny and I have a hard time with that!

9. All your stuff is clean, and it’s so fucking great. 

Once a week, I find myself picking up everything in my house and lightly dusting and vacuuming–all that just to do it again next week! What’s a girl to do when you don’t strew your food around like a heathen? Save your money for a cleaning service, you’re going to want it when you don’t have a baby!

10. You will never stop hearing about how much you need a goddamn baby. 

NO.

What do you wish you’d known before you didn’t have a baby?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana The Biped: I’m pretty sure I once dated a guy who couldn’t tell the difference between sex and a pot roast.  

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