The Dangerballs Guide To: Dealing With Picky Eaters

02/11/2013 · 50 comments

in Dangerballs,Psychological Warfare,Social Services

To some, trying new foods is like S&M; a never-ending supply of new and exciting things to try and experience.

To others, trying new foods is like S&M; a never-ending supply of horror and revulsion and a sound knowledge of “fuck all that.”

Picky eaters get a bad rap, and an undeserved one. For each person willing to suck an octopus off for a new culinary delight, there is a person like me who just wants some chicken tenders and to be left alone about their choices. Picky eating is deeply misunderstood, so allow Dangerballs to assist.

Yes, I Do Know I Won’t Like It

I am sure that I do not like Kotozot (Hungarian dish that’s just cream cheese and onions and ham) even though I’ve never tried it. You know how I know that?

  1. I don’t like any of those ingredients
  2. I can surmise they won’t taste good together
  3. When I think about eating it, I get the shakes

I know that this may be hard for some people to understand, but (barring toddlers) picky eaters probably do know that they won’t like certain foods even without tasting them. Forcing them to try it just because you like it or because you think they’re lame or because you’re a fucking jerkoff is like being berated until you eat horse shit. Whether it’s the texture or the flavor, chances are that I know there is something I hate in that food, and there is a reason I won’t try it.

I don’t need to be hit in the face with a 2×4 to know it’s not going to turn me on, even if it works for you. Leave me be.

No, I Don’t Want To Try It Because I’ll Have To Remember It All Day

Imagine if a really ill person vomited in your mouth after eating Fancy Feast. That’s not a pleasant experience, and not one you’ll soon forget. You’ll probably phantom taste that for weeks, months, years.

I once tried asparagus pan-seared in olive oil and drizzed with mozzarella, and I had to be stopped from burning the restaurant down just to punish them for having produced such an item. To me, it tasted like dirt–literally. Just dirt. Same texture, same flavor, same general reaction to having consumed it. I have flashbacks to that event. I still taste it today.

Picky eaters have reasons for not wanting to eat something, and it’s not just to piss you off. No means no.

I’ll Take One More Bite If You’ll Take One More Punch To The Face

I took one bite, and that’s enough. My brain is not going to learn to adore lava-hot sour cream and cherry soup (A REAL THING) between bites. I tried it, I was nice, now let me move on. How about you give dry buttsex a second round and see if your brain switches gears between the first and second experience?

Picky eaters constantly hear, “If you just keep eating it, you’ll learn to like it.” You know what else that statement applies to?

Abusive relationships and Stockholm Syndrome. Asparagus is my Edward Cullen.

I Have Tried It, I Hated It Then, And Cooking It A New Way Won’t Change That

Many picky eaters like myself really want to like more foods than they do–they are aware of their pickiness and how it limits them. They are not choosing a life of bland chicken and one-item-from-a-menu-at-every-restaurant.

I really want to enjoy more vegetables and fruits, but try as I might, I don’t. I’ve tried broccoli in every possible format–baked, fried, fresh, grilled, boiled, steamed, served with _____, and covered in cheese (which renders it no longer a vegetable, you goddamn cheaters). I hate it every single way, and yet even when I inform people to this fact, they simply must have me try it again because surely this new way will be the way.

You can put a flower in a butthole all you want, but it is still a butthole, and I still don’t want to eat it.

Are you a picky eater? Are you an adventurous eater? What’s the grossest thing you ever tried?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana The Biped: Sigh. My office disabled videos. Probably because of Funny Bitch Fridays. And possibly because of my lack of Friday afternoon productivity. Motherfucker.

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