The Dangerballs Guide To: Dealing With Picky Eaters

02/11/2013 · 50 comments

in Dangerballs, Psychological Warfare, Social Services

To some, trying new foods is like S&M; a never-ending supply of new and exciting things to try and experience.

To others, trying new foods is like S&M; a never-ending supply of horror and revulsion and a sound knowledge of “fuck all that.”

Picky eaters get a bad rap, and an undeserved one. For each person willing to suck an octopus off for a new culinary delight, there is a person like me who just wants some chicken tenders and to be left alone about their choices. Picky eating is deeply misunderstood, so allow Dangerballs to assist.

Yes, I Do Know I Won’t Like It

I am sure that I do not like Kotozot (Hungarian dish that’s just cream cheese and onions and ham) even though I’ve never tried it. You know how I know that?

  1. I don’t like any of those ingredients
  2. I can surmise they won’t taste good together
  3. When I think about eating it, I get the shakes

I know that this may be hard for some people to understand, but (barring toddlers) picky eaters probably do know that they won’t like certain foods even without tasting them. Forcing them to try it just because you like it or because you think they’re lame or because you’re a fucking jerkoff is like being berated until you eat horse shit. Whether it’s the texture or the flavor, chances are that I know there is something I hate in that food, and there is a reason I won’t try it.

I don’t need to be hit in the face with a 2×4 to know it’s not going to turn me on, even if it works for you. Leave me be.

No, I Don’t Want To Try It Because I’ll Have To Remember It All Day

Imagine if a really ill person vomited in your mouth after eating Fancy Feast. That’s not a pleasant experience, and not one you’ll soon forget. You’ll probably phantom taste that for weeks, months, years.

I once tried asparagus pan-seared in olive oil and drizzed with mozzarella, and I had to be stopped from burning the restaurant down just to punish them for having produced such an item. To me, it tasted like dirt–literally. Just dirt. Same texture, same flavor, same general reaction to having consumed it. I have flashbacks to that event. I still taste it today.

Picky eaters have reasons for not wanting to eat something, and it’s not just to piss you off. No means no.

I’ll Take One More Bite If You’ll Take One More Punch To The Face

I took one bite, and that’s enough. My brain is not going to learn to adore lava-hot sour cream and cherry soup (A REAL THING) between bites. I tried it, I was nice, now let me move on. How about you give dry buttsex a second round and see if your brain switches gears between the first and second experience?

Picky eaters constantly hear, “If you just keep eating it, you’ll learn to like it.” You know what else that statement applies to?

Abusive relationships and Stockholm Syndrome. Asparagus is my Edward Cullen.

I Have Tried It, I Hated It Then, And Cooking It A New Way Won’t Change That

Many picky eaters like myself really want to like more foods than they do–they are aware of their pickiness and how it limits them. They are not choosing a life of bland chicken and one-item-from-a-menu-at-every-restaurant.

I really want to enjoy more vegetables and fruits, but try as I might, I don’t. I’ve tried broccoli in every possible format–baked, fried, fresh, grilled, boiled, steamed, served with _____, and covered in cheese (which renders it no longer a vegetable, you goddamn cheaters). I hate it every single way, and yet even when I inform people to this fact, they simply must have me try it again because surely this new way will be the way.

You can put a flower in a butthole all you want, but it is still a butthole, and I still don’t want to eat it.

Are you a picky eater? Are you an adventurous eater? What’s the grossest thing you ever tried?

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From Dana The Biped: Sigh. My office disabled videos. Probably because of Funny Bitch Fridays. And possibly because of my lack of Friday afternoon productivity. Motherfucker.
Mayor Gia February 11, 2013 at 6:49 am

I hear you. I’m not a “picky eater” exactly, but I am a vegetarian, and I’m so damn sick of telling people where I get my protein (dead babies). Anyway, I’m not a fan of food pushers or nosy food people at all. If you weirdly point to my food and ask me what I’m eating, I’m going to tell you it’s a crack brownie every. single. time.
Mayor Gia recently posted..I. Am. Itchy.

Erin T. February 11, 2013 at 11:09 am

DEAD BABIES?! What the fuck kind of vegitarian food are you eating?! Eat what you want. Don’t eat what you want. It’s all the same to me, but W.T.F. would someone tell you you’re eating dead babies for?!?

I’m so disturbed…

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) February 11, 2013 at 1:48 pm

Ummm… I’m pretty sure she means eggs.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..The one with the Regional Dialect

Johi February 11, 2013 at 4:40 pm

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This thread just made my day.
Johi recently posted..It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No… it’s just some twit in a cape.

Kenny Boy February 11, 2013 at 8:17 am

I’m not a picky eater, but I have food rules that aren’t up for debate.
~Meat and fruit don’t go together. Ever. Pineapple and ham is repulsive. Don’t fuck up a perfectly good pig by putting apples anywhere near it.
~Nuts are only acceptable by themselves, in desserts, or covered in chocolate. Not in chicken salad with a bunch of other shit.
~Peanut butter is great. Jelly is great. Peanut butter and jelly together are nasty.
~Chocolate covered fruit is repulsive.
~If you put raisins in oatmeal cookies and make me think they are chocolate chips, I can’t be held responsible for the consequences.
~Bugs are not for eating, they are for squashing.

Lisa February 11, 2013 at 9:07 am

I thought for sure you were interviewing my daughter (15 y/o) for this post!

You forgot to mention – do NOT, under any circumstances, let food touch each other upon the plate. And food also cannot touch the plate where other food had already been (the corn cannot touch where the potatoes already contaminated, etc).
Lisa recently posted..The Liebster Award

Kenny Boy February 11, 2013 at 10:35 am

I can’t understand how people can put a piece of pie on the same plate that their regular food was just on. I have some family members I don’t even want to be around at Thanksgiving because they will walk right up to the desserts and put a big piece of pecan pie on top of left over green bean juice and gravy. PUKE!

Shannon February 11, 2013 at 9:41 am

“Asparagus is my Edward Cullen.” I fucking love you.

Roxie February 11, 2013 at 10:03 am

My coworker tried to get me to try her grits, this morning (not a euphamism ). I told her I don’t like the texture. It’s too gritty. And, no, I wasn’t doing an impression of Pee Wee Herman, “Mmm salad, tastes salady!”

Amelia February 11, 2013 at 10:09 am

You forgot to add: Don’t make dry, allegedly-funny comments to an entire group about how you guess we have to eat at Applebee’s because I’m a picky eater. You can pretend you’re being considerate, but we all know your goal is to make yourself seem worldly and self-sacrificing, while casting me as a child who can’t act like a grown-up in a real restaurant.

Look, for good or for bad, there are few restaurants in America that don’t serve some sort of plain food. If I said I don’t care where we eat, then I don’t care. I don’t like fish, but Legal Seafood serves steak too. I’m not a big fan of Thai food, but it’s hard to screw up white rice. I can eat salad, or appetizers, or just pick at my food and keep my mouth shut like a fucking adult.

Lovelyn February 11, 2013 at 10:18 am

I’ve never been a picky eater. I love trying new foods. It’s like a taste adventure. Every time I go to a restaurant I try something new. I live in a house with a bunch of picky eaters though.
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Erin T. February 11, 2013 at 11:13 am

I’m not a picky eater but I’ll be damned if I’m eating intestines, tongue, stomach, testicles…
Erin T. recently posted..Bill Murray

Laura February 11, 2013 at 11:28 am

I’m with you on the broccoli thing, I’d much rather use them as trees to accent my carrot skyscraper than drown them in cheese (which I also hate).
Laura recently posted..Feeling the Love

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) February 11, 2013 at 1:50 pm

You… you…

You hate cheeeese???

What does this even mean?
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..The one with the Regional Dialect

Laura February 11, 2013 at 6:03 pm

Yeah it drives my family nuts, I’ll deal with some cheese (like the lightly cheesy mac&cheese or pizza) but I hate that “extra cheesy cheese- sauce with added cheese”
Laura recently posted..Feeling the Love

Azalea February 11, 2013 at 11:30 am

I’ve always been a picky eater, and always been berated for it. And now, just to add to the ‘everyone get on Azalea’s ass about what she eats’ train, I’m a vegan*, too.
Makes me damn near impossible to take out somewhere. Srsly tho, I’m happy just to have chips and you can eat shatever, but no one believes me!
*obligate. Sick for two years and discovered within a week of vegan-ness I felt better. I miss meat and thickshakes so much.

Azalea February 11, 2013 at 11:31 am

Oh my. Um. I mean WHATEVER, not SHATEVER. I mean, if that’s your thing, that’s fine…I just do not want to be there for it.

Jen February 11, 2013 at 12:03 pm

I’m adventurous as a mother-fucker. I’m talking a Tony Bourdain “No Reservations”, “Man vs. Food” level of adventure. I have done snake blood shots, eaten deep-fried sparrows (beaks, feathers, and all), and last time I was in China I ate sauteed camel’s foot. So. . .technically, I ate camel toe. . .which may or may not make me a lesbian.
Jen recently posted..Valentine’s Day for Dummies

Kathleen February 11, 2013 at 7:33 pm

I’m in the Jen category here. In fact when I was reading about the Hungarian food, I was getting hungry and trying to remember if there were any restaurants that served Hungarian food nearby. :)

Dana the Biped February 11, 2013 at 12:43 pm

What the hell kind of asparagus sparkles?! (Because I think you might have consumed something else prior… mushrooms, maybe?)
Dana the Biped recently posted..If You’ve Ruined My French Fries, I Will Never Forgive You

winopants February 11, 2013 at 1:22 pm

Shelled seafood weirds me out, especially oysters. A chef forced me to try one for the first time while I was training with him on an expo line. This was my first day on the job, so “no” was not a choice. The taste was intriguing, but the texture was every bit as horrifying as I imagined, like a salty, chunky booger.
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Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) February 11, 2013 at 1:28 pm

I’m not a picky eater but if you try to get me to eat mayonnaise, no matter what it’s mixed with or how I “won’t even be able to taste it” I will throw up in your lap. One of the main reasons I never tried out for Fear Factor (other than the fact that I’m fat, out of shape, and wouldn’t be chosen) is because I was afraid they would try to put mayo on the meal worm/cockroach/bullpenis pizza.

No lie.

If I were trapped on a desert island with nothing but a jar of mayo and some dead bodies, I’d eat the dead bodies before I’d open the jar.

Okay, actually that’s a lie: I’d die of starvation. Or hypothermia. Or snake bite. But the mayo jar would remain intact, unopened, and probably put somewhere that I couldn’t see it or smell it (because I’m pretty sure just having a jar of mayo anywhere in my vicinity will taint the very air I breathe.)
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..The one with the Regional Dialect

Bill G. February 11, 2013 at 8:46 pm

I’ve been to places in Europe where they drown their French fries in mayo. No way in hell was I going to try that. Gotta agree, mayo sucks.

Amber February 11, 2013 at 1:47 pm

Praise The Lord, I’m not alone!!!! Every time we go out to eat, especially with my husbands family, it’s a discussion of “will you eat anything there??” Probably not. There have been multiple times we’ve gone to a $25 all you can eat buffet at the casino, and all I eat is mashed potatoes, corn, and 5 desserts. Then I’m forced into drinking because I feel shitty about wasting the money. I hate my appetite.

Bill G. February 11, 2013 at 10:01 pm

I can’t see the word “appetite” without seeing “ape tit”. Damn you, SNL Jeopardy.

TheChickIsRight February 12, 2013 at 5:32 pm

I’m exactly the same way with “therapist” and “the rapist”. Cannot unsee. Indeed, damn you, SNL Jeopordy.

ColinP February 11, 2013 at 1:53 pm

I am a hugely picky eater and the nastiest thing that was ever shoved down my gullet was pickled herring in sour cream (straight out of the jar). I still shudder to this day thinking about it and some 20 years later I still cannot describe the flavor of it other than it tasted like what I would imagine hell tastes like.

I am a picky eater for many reasons, and one of them is that I have food allergies, thankfully not in the life threatening realm. Whenever I eat something that has these ingredients I do not feel well. Not in the classic ‘Oh my tummy hurts…’ I feel unwell. Like something is in the process of changing my genetic structure unwellness. I have been to the hospital with a case of anaphylaxis (ironically caused by allergy shots), and it wasn’t fun. In fact I could really go the rest of my life without doing that again thankyouveryfuckingmuch.

So like the lady said, if i say I don’t want it there is a really damn good reason why I don’t want it so leave me the fuck alone about it.
ColinP recently posted..Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012)

Brett Minor (@brettminor) February 11, 2013 at 3:07 pm

Wow! I had no idea.

There must be something different going on in the mouths of picky eaters. If I don’t like something, I don’t like it. It’s really not that big of a deal. I will even eat an entire plate of something I dislike because I am worried that refusing it would be considered rude.
I have been one of those jerks trying to get someone to “just try it” and give them a hard time if they won’t.

I am one of those people who will eat anything. And I mean everything (except mayo when it touches cheese, those just don’t go together). I apologize for all of these attempts in the past and vow to never do it again
Brett Minor (@brettminor) recently posted..Test Your Funny Bone #15

Misty February 11, 2013 at 3:15 pm

I defininitely wouldn’t consider myself adventurous per se, but I do like a lot of different foods. The problem I have is that I am picky about the types of foods that are usually chopped up IN other foods. Like I can’t stand celery, raw onions, mushrooms, olives, tomatoes (although I LOVE the sauce, yeah I’m weird), green peppers or asparagus. So I am literally always picking SOMETHING out of a dish, so I look picky as hell. Potato salad and pasta salads are my nemesis. I love a ton of veggies and fruits, but the ones I don’t like will usually ruin a dish for me (if mushrooms or asparagus even get NEAR a dish, I usually can’t stomach it). My grandfather used to think I was hella picky (he was a cranky old asshole of a man) and used to joke that I could “pick the skin off of bologna.” I guess the joke is that it doesn’t HAVE skin? Yeah, not sure. But I guess the short answer is, yeah I’m picky.
Misty recently posted..Enter the Quiet

Johi February 11, 2013 at 4:44 pm

I only eat tree bark, ice chips and air.

Oh.. and martinis. I like those, too.
Johi recently posted..It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No… it’s just some twit in a cape.

Valerie February 11, 2013 at 9:07 pm

Thank you!!! I always get a bad rap because I don’t want to try new things… Also, because I’ve never even tried peanut butter and jelly. I can tell I won’t like it just by looking at it. So just give me my French fries and let me be!!!


Valerie recently posted..I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle.

FFW February 11, 2013 at 9:42 pm

I will try most things (see my prior dates as evidence), but two things I WON’T tolerate in my mouth are:
Iced Tea—-it all tastes like dirty sock water,
and Country Crock.

Oh, and any cooked body parts that filter waste, like lymph glands, kidneys, livers, etc.

The first two stem from some assholes my parents were friends with when I was a kid, and they were horrible, and made us drink sun tea from old milk jugs, with crust still on the lid, and they used the gallon-sized Country Crock, complete with toast bits stuck in it. Eeew. I was scarred.

The last one? Self-preservation. Which means I can’t eat chorizo (that’s what I get for reading the label.)
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handflapper February 11, 2013 at 9:51 pm

I will try anything once. I have eaten frog legs even though I knew I would not like them just so I could say that I had eaten them. I don’t want to eat anything that still in anyway resembles the animal from which it came. No bones, no skin, no hooves, no gishy gristle fatty stuff. . . No shellfish still in the shell! I’ll eat the hell outta some shrimp but someone else will have to peel and de-vein them while I’m in the other room. I should probably be a vegetarian. I will eat any fruit or vegetable as long as it doesn’t come out of a can and it’s not raw onions. Make sure the meat is on the bottom of my sandwich, then cheese, then tomato/avocado/sprouts/what-have-you, and then lettuce. It doesn’t taste right in any other order.

But most importantly, keep your goddamn peanut butter away from my chocolate.
handflapper recently posted..Sometimes we only have one in us.

Bill G. February 11, 2013 at 11:18 pm

George Carlin, fussy eater:

downloadable08 February 12, 2013 at 3:12 am

I have a pretty mild but broad allergy to fruit–apples/pears, melons, and bananas are okay, but anything else makes sores break out in my mouth and throat. I’ve gotten so paranoid about it that I won’t even try a bite of anything, even if it’s a small enough amount I probably wouldn’t even have a reaction. When I was nine, my grandma made me try a “camper’s bite” of her berry cobbler, and she learned the hard way how hard-wired I was against it; she was cleaning up projectile vomit for the next 20 minutes!

Caroline February 12, 2013 at 11:35 am

I don’t consider just not liking stuff the same as “being picky.” Picky to me is more like those assholes who shoot down every restaurant/meal suggestion you make, yet won’t just tell you what the fuck they DO want to eat.

TheChickIsRight February 12, 2013 at 5:43 pm

Unfortunately, my husband is like this. Not only does he have pretty significant dietary restrictions (no dairy or gluten, among other things) – which I honestly don’t mind. I get to play 20 questions about what he might be “in the mood” to eat – which I do mind, very much. If asked what he wants, the typical response is, “I don’t know, what can you make?” Then the fun times begin. So. Much. Rage.

Cheryl S. February 12, 2013 at 12:32 pm

I have texture issues. I love tomato sauce, as long as you put it through a blender. Chucky, slimy vegetables (especially tomatos) make me gag. Honestly, my stomach is turning just thinking about it. Icky veggies with seeds in the middle, same thing (like squash). Also, I only eat custard style yogurt. Another slimy chunk issue.

No one should be forced to eat food. Especially an adult. (Toddlers can get out of hand, so you kinda have to push it on them)

Aimster February 18, 2013 at 5:00 pm

I have found you…my long lost twin!! No one understands my “no chunks of tomatoes” rule. Family and friends tolerate it, mostly, but I still get relentlessly picked on for my complete hatred of tomato pieces. How bad is it? Let’s just say I have nearly upchucked while staring at a picture of stewed tomatoes before.

Nothing…NOTHING…is worse, for me, than sitting down to a lovely pizza and biting into a chunk, or worse yet, a flap of tomato SKIN hidden under the cheese. I retch, my eyes water, and even after I spit it out, my throat still clutches and my stomach still punches upward.

Also, I grew up in Southern Maryland and cannot stomach any kind of seafood, period. This is a never-ending source of mockery for my family, as well. I have, quite seriously, considered psychological counseling for my food aversions, because it’s such a source of emotional bullshittery.

Sarah February 12, 2013 at 4:48 pm

I am a picky eater, and my firstborn is a picky eater. It’s gotten better in my adulthood, and he’s gotten better as he gets older, but my freaking God, people! Leave us the Hell alone! Apparently we must be doing something right, since we’re still alive and all.

Oh, and the other thing that pisses me off to no end– being compared to non-picky eaters. I get compared to my husband (who is a human vacuum) and my older son gets compared to my younger son (who LOVES vegetables, the freak). No, there’s no need to compare us. There’s no need to make one person feel guilty because they are not exactly like some other person.

And come to find out? My doctor told me a few years back that the reason I hate certain foods– like peaches– and feel the need to retch whenever I see or smell a peach is because…wait for it… I’m ALLERGIC to peaches. Picky eating can sometimes be a person’s defense mechanism against food allergies.

Yeah, try to get me to eat a piece of peach cobbler again, why don’t ya? I didn’t know you hated me enough to kill me, people!
Sarah recently posted..A Contest: The Spam, It Keeps On Coming

mandi February 12, 2013 at 10:56 pm

Not a picky eater- I’ll try anything once, twice even. Two things I can’t do- chili and orange Gatorade. Chili doesn’t bother me if someone is eating it, I can politely try a bite but no chili is good chili, it’s either: well, it didn’t make me herk chili or you need to de-vomit the first floor of your home chili. Orange Gatorade… Lets just say, there is a very good chance I will not be going on a field trip with my kid because the smell of it sends me into a blind rage that may or may not involve obscenity and threats of violence that would make a Crusader blush. Why, you ask? (Or don’t., I’m pretending you did) EVERY time I was I’ll between the ages of birth and 17 my mom gave me orange Gatorade- which was once my top choice. The smell of it is now synonymous with puke to me. So, when I smell someone about to indulge in a frosty Bottle of barf- I become the hulk. I smash, I yell, I get green and I get very, very angry.

mandi February 12, 2013 at 11:03 pm

To add,My dad and i once ate sweet shrimp heads. I barfed on the table. My parents made me eat liver when I was a child, I barfed down my dads back in a Kmart. Lesson: barf in public, gain the power. That knowledge is y Vantines gift to you.

Melodie February 14, 2013 at 9:52 am

Ah yes. Hope you don’t mind I just cross-posted this one my Tumblr with the commentary:


Now shut the fuck up and let me eat my chicken tenders in peace.’

Thank you.

I WILL try things. But at my own. goddamn. pace. I tried blueberries a couple months ago and liked them and my Mom damn near had a stroke at the table. YES I AM CAPABLE OF LIKING THINGS. YOU ATTEMPTING TO SHOVE IT DOWN MY THROAT WHILE SAYING I’LL ‘LOVE IT’ IS NOT FUCKING HELPING.

My problem with most things is texture. The skin on most fruits? Makes me want to kill kittens. Cannot stand that shit. If I chew it fast or if it’s skinned, I’ll usually eat it without feeling the urge to maim. Also, smell. If I don’t like the smell, guess what, I’m not gonna like the taste. BECAUSE THAT’S HOW YOUR FUCKING ORALFACTORY SYSTEM WORKS YOU JERKS.

I’m sorry. 19 years of this. I’m a bit at the end of my rope.

Kristen February 14, 2013 at 2:01 pm

Holy shit snacks. I could’ve written this. My mom refers to me as a picky eater. My sister says I have a textural processing disorder. I like the more clinical definition when avoiding offensive foods around indoctrinating fools like my mother in law. It makes people leave me the fuck alone.

I hate lettuce. And all other leafy greens. Don’t try and tell me how it has no flavor, you’ll love it smothered with kittens and sunshine dust, flash steam it in unicorn tears and it’s delish! No. The texture makes me ill. Even thinking about it makes me gag.

Then there’s my mother in law who sends me roasted and candied pecans. I’m deathly allergic to tree nuts. She knows this. Yet every birthday I get a box and a phone call reminding me to keep an open mind and try them. Yeah, I’ll get right on that. I’ve not tried death before! Maybe I’ll like it!!

Rose February 15, 2013 at 10:02 pm

Dear lord, I haven’t been around for a while and when I come back you’ve written my autobiography? It wouldn’t be so bad if other people weren’t such assholes about it though.
And if someone could please tell my mother that not eating food ISN’T an insult to anyone’s cooking, please? You knew I wasn’t going to eat it when you made it. Don’t even try.

Miffy February 19, 2013 at 1:39 am

I could do without mushrooms for the rest of my fucking life. In my world there is simply no excuse for ingesting slimy fungus. Who was the first dipshit to try that? Like, “Hey guys, come try this questionable fungus growing in a dead tree, it’s absolutely divine! ” Fuck that sideways.
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Matt June 22, 2013 at 8:09 am

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