So Your Nipple Came Out At A Brookstone

02/04/2013 · 12 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This

First, don’t be too hard on yourself. Our nipples have all been there. You, and your breast-toppers, are going to be okay.

We get it. The sales staff is so insufferable, those massage chairs are unbelievably comfortable, your bra so worn. It’s a recipe for disaster in the hands of a leather-bound God of shoulder-rubs.

So you sat down, sick to death of the salesman’s pitch to your companion’s iPad enclosure needs. “EH?!” he says, over and over again, leaning one arm on a shelf. “EH?! LEATHER? EH?!”

EH?! nevermore! you said, making a beeline for the open massage chairs. You thought about bacterial diseases you might catch and the lice laying in wait for a weary traveler, but you would not be stopped. You had been sore all day. You were drunk last night, you were active a great deal this week, you haven’t felt stress-free in ten years–the chair was a perfect solution. You closed your eyes and relaxed for a bit.

You allowed the masterful chair to auto-sense your shoulder’s position, and more oddly specifically, your butt’s location (it was on the seat, for clarity) and to work it went. It performed a strange maneuver where it folded you in half a couple of times, which didn’t feel awesome but you assumed it was part of the chair’s plan. Your worries were assuaged when it began percussion massaging your shoulders and also butt (in the seat, for clarity). Magical.

And then suddenly, it felt a bit…breezy. You were unaware that the chair came with such a specifically-placed fan, because only your right breast was feeling any cooler at the moment. It was unnerving, but the chair had already taken a large amount of time to feel where your ass was (in the seat, for clarity, where asses can often be found). You heard the loud in-and-out heaving of something in the chair, and that’s when the thought crossed your mind that you might not be in a chair at all–you might have just sat on a leather fetishist in a Brookstone in a strange discrimination-and-turnabout-sexual-assault situation.

You opened your eyes to the world and noticed that the loud heaving was a 12-year-old boy in Beats by Dre. You followed his gaze to your exposed right breast, and attempted to both leap out of the chair and shove your thrill-seeking tit back into its Target-brand home. At that moment, the chair decided to fold you in half again, trapping your tit-covering arm between your butt (in the seat, for clarity) and the armrest.

You were forced, by the chair, to bow to Brookstone with your right tit out.

Life is filled with magic and memories, but sometimes those magical times are dashed by broken, sexual assailant massage chairs in malls.

My Sunday didn’t go as planned.

Ever done something really embarrassing, or had something really embarrassing happen to you in public? If it helps, say it happened to a friend and we will all believe you.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana The Biped: Dude, when the dancing cock is considered SFW but the Funny Bitch isn’t–well, it’s just crap that I have to wait until I get home. What am I supposed to waste my work time with now, Noa, huh?! 
Valerie February 4, 2013 at 6:39 am

Embarrassing, yes. But you just became spank off material for that 12 year old for the next 3 years at least. To him you are the Goddess of Brookstone. Go forth and claim your birthright!!!



Mayor Gia February 4, 2013 at 6:48 am

UGH. Gross but true. Try not to think about that!
Mayor Gia recently posted..Tis the Season for Saving

Valerie February 4, 2013 at 9:36 pm

She’s totally changed the life of that kid. He’ll probably, like, develop some Brookstone fetish. He’ll be arrested at the age of 17 for humping the massage chair. :0)


Valerie recently posted..Oh. Dear. God…. Tomorrow is Monday!!! Bum. Bum. BUUMMMMMMMM.

Roxie February 4, 2013 at 9:21 am

My mom tried to put her hand on the arm-rest of a chair, to push herself to get up, but instead wound up grabbing a stranger’s knee. He probably would have agreed to it as a come-on, if my mom wasn’t 76 years old!

Dana the Biped February 4, 2013 at 12:51 pm

I once got a not-very-heavy bookshelf stuck on the fourth step on the way up to my apartment–which was another three stories higher. The bookshelf was precariously balanced, my arms had turned to noodles, and there was no one around. I was stranded there for half an hour until a neighbor rescued me.

Unfortunately, this was the same neighbor who had previously witnessed my accidentally scientific experiment on “what happens when you kick a potted plant off a third-story balcony.” (For the record, the potted plant explodes.)
Dana the Biped recently posted..The First Person to Make a Sandwich Joke Is Going to Get a Knuckle Sandwich Instead.

Jen February 4, 2013 at 1:02 pm

My entire life is just one long “I Love Lucy” skit, but my latest humiliation had to be at yesterday’s Super Bowl party where I leaped to my feet screaming during a particularly epic play and threw my hands up like a spastic toddler, punching my date in the face. And I wonder why I can’t get laid.
Jen recently posted..Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken: The Super Bowl Edition

winopants February 4, 2013 at 1:22 pm

I pooed my pants once on the school bus, when I was 8. After that, there’s really no where to go but up
winopants recently posted..The Adventures of Teddy and Miss Tutu

Lovelyn February 4, 2013 at 1:31 pm

That’s why I don’t trust those crazy massage chairs. They’re up to no good I tell you.

I once walked a few blocks through the streets of Seoul with my skirt tucked completely into my underwear. I thought everyone was staring at me because I’m not Korean. I was wrong. I found out how wrong I was when I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a bank window–panties out for the whole world to see.
Lovelyn recently posted..My Thoughts on the Super Bowl

Misty February 4, 2013 at 2:39 pm

I’ve never had an embarrassing moment ever in my entire life. Nope, not me. I’m damn near perfect!

And where praytell was Adrian to inform you of this jail break nipple of yours? Isn’t it a husband’s JOB to keep track of both of his wifely nipples? FAIL!
Misty recently posted..This Should Perk You Right Up!

downloadable08 February 5, 2013 at 2:14 am

The BFF hadn’t told me that she was treating me to a pedicure while I was visiting, so I hadn’t shaved my legs in MONTHS. We’re talking at least six, since I hadn’t had a reason to. But I gamely rolled up my pants in front of God and everyone and let my feet soak. I felt like apologizing to the technician who got me, but my friend had assured me that they get far more disgusting men when I asked if I should take the time to shave.

And YET, after the woman finished with the calf massage, she rolled my jeans back down. “So you don’t get cold,” she said. …Even though they apparently weren’t worried about anyone else. You’d think I would have been fine with my fur to keep me warm! *face palm*

Janene February 5, 2013 at 3:11 pm

Nothing beats puking your guts out in your 16-stall workplace bathroom, right onto the floor. And if that wasn’t humiliating enough, then washing out your puke-stained pants in one of the sinks, standing in your underwear because you honestly didn’t think to bring spare clothes. Then borrowing pants from someone else because you can’t go home with puke-stained pants. Oh, the joys of stomach flu!

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