I spend roughly 1/2 of my waking week playing or living out mental fantasies via video games–I’m even in a comedy troupe who’s hook is just that. They’re an incredible medium that gives us an insight and an active role into worlds we will never see or experience on our own. People trash video games for being childish, and to that I say go fuck yourself, you must never have played Assassin’s Creed II. It’s historical, borderline educational, and fun as shit.
After playing ACII, I couldn’t wait for ACIII to come out. It’s set during the American Revolution? The main character is a Native American? THERE ARE TOMAHAWKS AND PIRATES? How could it be any better?
I’ll tell you this–it’s fucking awful so far. There was a sasquatch mission that turned out just to be a huge and hairy kleptomaniac living in a cave. There was a Sleepy Hollow/Headless Horseman mission that ended with you spotting him about 30 yards away, and then he just rode off into the distance. The title character is the lamest assassin I have seen, despite being unbelievably hot. Hopefully it will get better very very soon, but I have serious doubts about that.
So I have to think, if this got cleared to be published, what could have been shot down?
Joke-Off: Video Game Pitches That Were Shot Down
- Tax Assassin
- Bureaucrat Of War
- Super Feelings Brothers: We Don’t Have To Smash Anyone To Be Happy
- Proctologist To The Max: For Kinect
- Train Tramp Adventures
- Grand Theft Auto Trial
- Put This Bookshelf Together
- Sit In This Room Alone For A While
- Bioshock: Monsanto
- Red Red Redemption of Your Soul Through Confessions To Christ
- Oregon Trail: Real-Time Version
- Where’s Waldo (IT WAS A THING)
- Oregon Trail Of Tears
- Psychoanalyze Them: Super Mario Brothers
- Middle-Aged Mutant Tax Law Turtles And Their Friend Casey Jones, Meth Addict
- Assassin’s Rap Sheet
- Good Luck With This Double-Toggle Random-Aim-Shuffle
- Boggle (Why is this even a thing)
- Rainbow Six: Cross-Stitch Samplers
- Herding Cats
- You’re Always Running Into A Wall
- Shitty AI: The Game (This does exist. It’s FIFA 2012.)
- Saint’s Row: Following The Footsteps of The Real Catholic Saints
- Jesus’ Revenge: Three Days To Glory
- Arson Fanatic
- Call Of Doody: Plumber’s Revenge (I regret this immediately. I can’t believe I made that joke)
Also, someone get on making Oregon Trail as awesome and open-world as Assassin’s Creed. I would play the shit out of that.– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Lianne Marie Mease: I worked at IKEA one summer in the restaurant. There was the day they decided to cut costs by not buying latex gloves any more for the people handling the hot dogs. There was the day I dropped a pan of hot dogs on the floor and was told it would come out of my paycheck if I didn’t pick them up and serve them. There was the day the industrial dishwasher broke and I had to crawl inside it to unblock it ( a chicken bowl had become wedged in a part. ) removed it and the dishwasher turned on, covering me with hot soapy water and sending a conveyor belt of trays full of dirty plates towards me. I had to crawl out of the other side because I couldn’t go back the way I came!!!) Fucking IKEA.