Joke-Off: Video Game Pitches That Were Shot Down

02/19/2013 · 25 comments

in Joke Off

I spend roughly 1/2 of my waking week playing or living out mental fantasies via video games–I’m even in a comedy troupe who’s hook is just that. They’re an incredible medium that gives us an insight and an active role into worlds we will never see or experience on our own. People trash video games for being childish, and to that I say go fuck yourself, you must never have played Assassin’s Creed II. It’s historical, borderline educational, and fun as shit.

After playing ACII, I couldn’t wait for ACIII to come out. It’s set during the American Revolution? The main character is a Native American? THERE ARE TOMAHAWKS AND PIRATES? How could it be any better?

I’ll tell you this–it’s fucking awful so far. There was a sasquatch mission that turned out just to be a huge and hairy kleptomaniac living in a cave. There was a Sleepy Hollow/Headless Horseman mission that ended with you spotting him about 30 yards away, and then he just rode off into the distance. The title character is the lamest assassin I have seen, despite being unbelievably hot. Hopefully it will get better very very soon, but I have serious doubts about that.

So I have to think, if this got cleared to be published, what could have been shot down?

Joke-Off: Video Game Pitches That Were Shot Down

  • Tax Assassin
  • Bureaucrat Of War
  • Super Feelings Brothers: We Don’t Have To Smash Anyone To Be Happy
  • StarAmoeba
  • Proctologist To The Max: For Kinect
  • Train Tramp Adventures
  • Grand Theft Auto Trial
  • Put This Bookshelf Together
  • Sit In This Room Alone For A While
  • Bioshock: Monsanto
  • Red Red Redemption of Your Soul Through Confessions To Christ
  • Oregon Trail: Real-Time Version
  • Where’s Waldo (IT WAS A THING)
  • Oregon Trail Of Tears
  • Psychoanalyze Them: Super Mario Brothers
  • Middle-Aged Mutant Tax Law Turtles And Their Friend Casey Jones, Meth Addict
  • Assassin’s Rap Sheet
  • Good Luck With This Double-Toggle Random-Aim-Shuffle
  • Boggle (Why is this even a thing)
  • Rainbow Six: Cross-Stitch Samplers
  • Herding Cats
  • You’re Always Running Into A Wall
  • Shitty AI: The Game (This does exist. It’s FIFA 2012.)
  • Saint’s Row: Following The Footsteps of The Real Catholic Saints
  • Jesus’ Revenge: Three Days To Glory
  • CultMasters
  • Arson Fanatic
  • IKEATetris
  • Call Of Doody: Plumber’s Revenge (I regret this immediately. I can’t believe I made that joke)

Also, someone get on making Oregon Trail as awesome and open-world as Assassin’s Creed. I would play the shit out of that.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Lianne Marie Mease: I worked at IKEA one summer in the restaurant. There was the day they decided to cut costs by not buying latex gloves any more for the people handling the hot dogs. There was the day I dropped a pan of hot dogs on the floor and was told it would come out of my paycheck if I didn’t pick them up and serve them. There was the day the industrial dishwasher broke and I had to crawl inside it to unblock it ( a chicken bowl had become wedged in a part. ) removed it and the dishwasher turned on, covering me with hot soapy water and sending a conveyor belt of trays full of dirty plates towards me. I had to crawl out of the other side because I couldn’t go back the way I came!!!) Fucking IKEA.
Highlander February 19, 2013 at 11:17 pm

Port Ho – like a modern Leisure Suit Larry, but from the female perspective
Team Fartress
Ass Effect: Revenge of the Space Twinkies
Highlander recently posted..Lurkin Merkin Sexpert

Kristi February 19, 2013 at 11:43 pm

Grand Theft Quilting
My Little Pony Fight Club
Disneyland in Hell (Kinect required)
Dig Dug- The Sewer Dirty Jobs Version

I need more wine.
Kristi recently posted..The 5 Stages Of Losing Your Baby To Toddlerhood

miakoda February 19, 2013 at 11:45 pm

I didn’t think it was possible to love you any more. Sadly games have been … disappointing, lately.

Saints Row the Third: How About We DON’T Kill Johnny Fucking Gat
Mess Effect 3: Choose the Color of Your Explosion (Oh, wait, they did make that. Crap.)
Professor Laidtown and the Ridiculous Plot

Bonus round!
Ultima Online: Not Quite Dead Yet
miakoda recently posted..Sin Titulo

Mayor Gia February 20, 2013 at 6:48 am

Masturbation Race V: Finish Before Mom Comes Home
Mayor Gia recently posted..History of the Gettysburg Address

Jennifer February 20, 2013 at 8:20 am

Also for the kinect or wii- Large Animal veterinary – Animal Husbandry Division
Power Excel – shooting up your spreadsheets
Plants v Zombie Hello Kitty

Jaclyn February 20, 2013 at 8:31 am

Outbreak Monkey: Feces Smear
Traffic Jam
Russian Roulette
AIDS: Origins
Airport Security Check
Jaclyn recently posted..To Be A “Kid Person”

Jen February 20, 2013 at 11:21 am

Grand Theft Plotline: ‘The Hunger Games’ vs. ‘Battle Royale’

Lego How I Met Your Mother

Kim Kardashian: Black Ops
Jen recently posted..What’s Eating You?

Roxie February 20, 2013 at 11:52 am

Competitive Underwater Basketweaving

Roxie February 20, 2013 at 11:53 am

Who Dealt It? Fart Mystery for Kinect-Smell

Roxie February 20, 2013 at 11:54 am

Name That Babushka!

Roxie February 20, 2013 at 11:55 am

Weave, or No Weave?

Roxie February 20, 2013 at 11:57 am

Are you smarter than a newly re-animated cave man?

Roxie February 20, 2013 at 11:57 am


Kathleen February 20, 2013 at 12:01 pm

Grand Theft Auto LV: Retirement Community, bonus Early Bird Special round!
Ultimate Obstetrics, for kinect

Marina February 20, 2013 at 12:05 pm

I have to share this…
Tokyo Jungle sneakpeak by videogamedunkey:

Marina February 20, 2013 at 12:11 pm

Also this….
Skyfall sneakpeak by videogamedunkey:

Kelly February 20, 2013 at 2:11 pm

Face Ninja: Upload pictures of people you hate and slice them with Samurai swords.

Grand Theft Kidney: Explore the lucrative world of black market organs.

NCAA 2014 – Lacrosse: You can only be Duke, and you can only try to get out of rape charges.
Kelly recently posted..Easy like Sunday morning…

Misty February 20, 2013 at 2:25 pm

Mediation Man: the Art of Compromise

Who used the last of the TP?

Race of the Mall Walkers

Kindergarten Circle Time

The Great Underwear Swap

The IRS Invasion: Audits and Spreadsheets
Misty recently posted..I’m Going to Disney World!

ColinP February 20, 2013 at 4:01 pm

House Painter Tycoon

Extreme Nose Hair Tweezing

Guardians of Vivisection: The Anatomically Improbable Adventures

Driver: Grocery Store
ColinP recently posted..Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012)

Skylar February 20, 2013 at 4:16 pm

Assassin’s Need: Handjobs 101
Animal Crossing: Roadkill Collector’s Edition
Zumba Strippers

Alicia February 20, 2013 at 7:13 pm

Where in the world is JonBenet?
Anyt farm tycoon
Exploration: white dog shit

Alicia February 20, 2013 at 7:13 pm


Valerie February 20, 2013 at 10:34 pm

Saints Row: Obey the Law Edition
Left for Dead: The Kardashian Edition
Bikini Waxer: Swamp Snatch Bonus Round Included!!!!


Valerie recently posted..Hannibal Lector could learn a thing or two from my kid.

winopants February 21, 2013 at 12:01 am

The Curse of Monkey Island: Lechuck’s Stanky Pirate Crotch
Aging King ‘s Quest: Perils of the Bingo Hall
winopants recently posted..My Strange TV Addiction: COPS

Bill G. February 21, 2013 at 6:37 pm

Oregon Trail II: Up the Hershey Highway
Beer Sluts
Cheetah the Sex Monkey
Grand Theft Auto: NFL Player Edition
Tantalizing Farts (Now with multi-colored rainbow bubbles!)
Leisuresuit Larry: Washed-up Businessman Edition (Come for the hoes, stay for the crack!!)
The Walking Dead (It’s not post-apocalypse, it’s just Vegas!!)
Speed Racer (gotta make it to a gas station bathroom before you shit yourself)

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