I started reading Harry Potter in Junior High, and I would have given up all the horse-related items in my room to go to Hogwarts for just one semester, which is a very serious thing for a tween girl to offer. I was almost 22 when the 7th installment came out though, so while I still wanted very much to go to Hogwarts for grad school, some Potter-related realness had set it.
Those fucking kids didn’t learn a goddamn thing about how the real world operates. They learned how to turn shit into other shit, but let’s look at physics here–a teacup can be a chair, but that chair will be fragile as shit. No science beyond potions? Okay then, enjoy your love potions and also creationist ideas. They learned divination for fuck’s sake, but no one taught them mechanical engineering?
I can’t imagine that Hogwarts was so grossly indifferent about how their students fared in the world. Surely they must have had a course catalog filled with useful and wildly unpopular classes. Add your ideas and jokes into the comments below for the chance to win a fabulous non-sequitur GIF of my choice!
Joke-Off: Overlooked Courses In The Hogwarts Course Catalog
- Modern Banking Systems: Fuck Checks, Just Carry Sacks Upon Sacks Of Heavy Coins
- Engineering: You Can’t Just Charm A Building Together
- Physics: Shit Shouldn’t Work That Way
- Life-Planning: You’re Probably Going To Be A Cashier Who Can Do Some Cool Shit Sometimes
- Parenting: It’s Inhumane To Floo A Baby
- Chemistry: For More Than Luck And Love Potions
- PortKey Or Potato: No One Knows ‘Til Noon
- Resume Building: You Will Still Need One Even As A Wizard
- Life-Skills: You Can’t Turn Your Spouse Into A Toad When They Cheat
- After-School: Are Colleges A Thing Here? They Should Be.
- Architecture: We Need More Than Three Fucking Wizard Architects
- Early Childhood Education: We Start At Age 11, And Not Before
- Astronomy: It’s Not An Omen, It’s An Asteroid
- Life Science: Hide All The Animals Except The Fucking Dangerous Ones, Those Go In Banks And Schools
- Interior Design: Everything Here Looks Ramshackle
- Civics: Our Government Entrance Is A Poop-Chute
- Communications: Our Best Choice Is Birds?
- Economics: The Reason For The Disuse Of The Gold Standard
- Fashion: Why Do We Need Patches When We Have Magic?
- World Cultures: People Will Burn You For This Shit Some Places
- Agriculture: Someone Has To Farm
- Computers: Fuck That Shit–Mounds And Mounds Of Paper Is Where It’s At
- Personal Safety: You Could Die At Any Moment
- Personal Safety: Your Best Friend Is Not Your Best Friend Because Appearance-Changing Magic Is Not Regulated
- Anatomy and Physiology: Mostly Guesswork
- Modern Medicine: Everyone’s Got Boils For Some Reason
- Engineering II: Holy Fuck It’s All Gonna Fall Over At Literally Any Second
- Interior Design: Don’t Touch Anything In This House It Will All Kill You
- Physical Education: If You Can’t Ride A Broom Then Fuck You
- Criminal Justice: Just Lock ‘Em Up At Sea With A Bunch Of Monsters Because Cruel And Unusual Is Not Our Game
- Math: You Have To Learn This Sometime
- Animal Husbandry: It’s Really Unsafe To Have Pet Owls