Joke-Off: Overlooked Courses In The Hogwarts Course Catalog

02/06/2013 · 11 comments

in Joke Off

I started reading Harry Potter in Junior High, and I would have given up all the horse-related items in my room to go to Hogwarts for just one semester, which is a very serious thing for a tween girl to offer. I was almost 22 when the 7th installment came out though, so while I still wanted very much to go to Hogwarts for grad school, some Potter-related realness had set it.

Those fucking kids didn’t learn a goddamn thing about how the real world operates. They learned how to turn shit into other shit, but let’s look at physics here–a teacup can be a chair, but that chair will be fragile as shit. No science beyond potions? Okay then, enjoy your love potions and also creationist ideas. They learned divination for fuck’s sake, but no one taught them mechanical engineering?

I can’t imagine that Hogwarts was so grossly indifferent about how their students fared in the world. Surely they must have had a course catalog filled with useful and wildly unpopular classes. Add your ideas and jokes into the comments below for the chance to win a fabulous non-sequitur GIF of my choice!

Joke-Off: Overlooked Courses In The Hogwarts Course Catalog

  • Modern Banking Systems: Fuck Checks, Just Carry Sacks Upon Sacks Of Heavy Coins
  • Engineering: You Can’t Just Charm A Building Together
  • Physics: Shit Shouldn’t Work That Way
  • Life-Planning: You’re Probably Going To Be A Cashier Who Can Do Some Cool Shit Sometimes
  • Parenting: It’s Inhumane To Floo A Baby
  • Chemistry: For More Than Luck And Love Potions
  • PortKey Or Potato: No One Knows ‘Til Noon
  • Resume Building: You Will Still Need One Even As A Wizard
  • Life-Skills: You Can’t Turn Your Spouse Into A Toad When They Cheat
  • After-School: Are Colleges A Thing Here? They Should Be.
  • Architecture: We Need More Than Three Fucking Wizard Architects
  • Early Childhood Education: We Start At Age 11, And Not Before
  • Astronomy: It’s Not An Omen, It’s An Asteroid
  • Life Science: Hide All The Animals Except The Fucking Dangerous Ones, Those Go In Banks And Schools
  • Interior Design: Everything Here Looks Ramshackle
  • Civics: Our Government Entrance Is A Poop-Chute
  • Communications: Our Best Choice Is Birds?
  • Economics: The Reason For The Disuse Of The Gold Standard
  • Fashion: Why Do We Need Patches When We Have Magic?
  • World Cultures: People Will Burn You For This Shit Some Places
  • Agriculture: Someone Has To Farm
  • Computers: Fuck That Shit–Mounds And Mounds Of Paper Is Where It’s At
  • Personal Safety: You Could Die At Any Moment
  • Personal Safety: Your Best Friend Is Not Your Best Friend Because Appearance-Changing Magic Is Not Regulated
  • Anatomy and Physiology: Mostly Guesswork
  • Modern Medicine: Everyone’s Got Boils For Some Reason
  • Engineering II: Holy Fuck It’s All Gonna Fall Over At Literally Any Second
  • Interior Design: Don’t Touch Anything In This House It Will All Kill You
  • Physical Education: If You Can’t Ride A Broom Then Fuck You
  • Criminal Justice: Just Lock ‘Em Up At Sea With A Bunch Of Monsters Because Cruel And Unusual Is Not Our Game
  • Math: You Have To Learn This Sometime
  • Animal Husbandry: It’s Really Unsafe To Have Pet Owls
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Winopants: I pooed my pants once on the school bus, when I was 8. After that, there’s really no where to go but up. 
Mayor Gia February 6, 2013 at 6:46 am

The Sexuality of House Elves, 1o1
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Skylar February 6, 2013 at 9:15 am

Pedophilia: Is your pet rat really a grown man who’s been sleeping with you?

nadine February 6, 2013 at 3:28 pm

seriously. that should have raised a lot more questions than a children’s book series can handle.
nadine recently posted..Got Acne? Win some stuff!

Laura February 6, 2013 at 10:21 am

Sex Ed: Why WeTrust Girls in rhe Guy’s Dorm but Not Vice- Versa
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Elizabeth February 6, 2013 at 12:17 pm

Modern Culture: Why Pure Blood is Best Blood
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Modern Culture III: We All Got Magic Here, Why Can’t We Have Nice Things?

winopants February 6, 2013 at 2:38 pm

Cooking: How to a conjure a meal like your mama used to make
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nadine February 6, 2013 at 3:27 pm

Wigardium Leviosa & Old Age (at the learning annex)
Cultural Diversity: Accepting that A giant can somehow reproduce with a normal sized person
Sex Ed: Seriously, how was Hagrid conceived?
Time Turners: Only used that one time, to save Buckbeak. Never to pre-kill Voldemort or Hitler, or anything else useful.
Beyond the Veil: Crime Scene Investigation and the Wizarding World
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Todd February 6, 2013 at 3:43 pm

Horticulture: Not all plants fear sunlight or scream when you replant them
Animal Husbandry: why you shouldn’t just turn them into a lamp when they’re hungry
Communications: why not just email instead of sending me something covered in owl slobber?
Muggle Culture: the history of magic as viewed by muggles; or bippety boppety booyah!
Muggle Transportation I: the train platforms are whole numbers.
Muggle Transportation II: the cars don’t fly.
Muggle Transportation III: neither do the brooms. Or mops. Or Swiffers.
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Dana the Biped February 6, 2013 at 3:51 pm

- Getting Along in the 21st Century: It’s not a Fucking Felly-Tone
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– Muggle Media 301: Smart Phones–More or Less Convenient Than Speaking through Fireplace?
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mosura February 6, 2013 at 5:20 pm

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Poppses February 7, 2013 at 12:19 am

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Life Skills 005: Matches and Light Sources Other Than Wands
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Culinary Studies I: That’s Not a Potion Ingredient, It’s Kale

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