Joke-Off: Inside Every Confident Woman Is…

02/13/2013 · 33 comments

in Joke Off

It all started with this piece of shit photo.

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I posted it on Facebook a few days ago with the caption, “Fuck your shitty generalizations of women,” and it quickly devolved into both a feminist rant and a fantastic mini-joke-off about what’s actually inside every confident woman, because fuck fragile princesses who wait for men named Mr. Big to sweep them off their privileged feet. We’re funny, and we don’t need any saving.

Add your ideas to the comments and you’re entered to win a nonsense GIF of my choice!

Joke-Off: Inside Every Confident Woman Is…

  • Bill Clinton
  • A large amount of Cookie Dough
  • The lives of many D-cell batteries
  • A crush on Helen Mirren
  • Every argument that never happened
  • Jem and/or The Holograms
  • A wish for Robert Downey Jr.
  • 14 Tacos
  • A love for Michael Bolton that few will acknowledge
  • A snarky comment about what that bitch is wearing
  • The knowledge of how to kill all of the Sims in the most hilarious ways
  • Kidneys
  • Beyonce
  • The will to procrastinate
  • A rage for Pinterest tutorials
  • Questions about labias
  • Judgment for those who vajazzle
  • Longing for Amy Poehler’s attitude
  • A memory of every time she’s ever queefed
  • Suppressed rage at humanity
  • Disdain for Sex and the City
  • A fart
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Johi: I only eat tree bark, ice chips and air. Oh.. and martinis. I like those, too.

{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }

Mayor Gia February 13, 2013 at 6:46 am

A supersized tampon (sometimes those are useful)
A dead baby graveyard (thank you, random politician talking about women’s bodies who gave us that gem)
Mayor Gia recently posted..Valentine’s Day Poem for Boyfriend

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nadine February 13, 2013 at 8:40 am

The lesser twin the body absorbed in-utero
An unfinished screenplay for a rom-com with Jennifer Aniston.
A hopefully unbroken condom full of sweet, sweet cocaine.
The good china.
Voucher for one free footlong at Subway.
nadine recently posted..Got Acne? Win some stuff!

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Johi February 13, 2013 at 8:46 am

A damaged liver and a hankering for cigarettes.

An alter-ego in a cape.

The worm from a tequila bottle.

The desire to stab Freud with a giant glass penis.

A girl-crush on Tina Fey.
Johi recently posted..It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No… it’s just some twit in a cape.

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Sara February 13, 2013 at 9:15 am

The princess twin sister they absorbed to shut her the fuck up.

Lots and lots of percocet.
Sara recently posted..The Truth About Sinking and Swimming.

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Roxie February 13, 2013 at 9:26 am

Guts… and black stuff.

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Roxie February 13, 2013 at 9:27 am

Good bacteria, you had me at probiotics!

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Roxie February 13, 2013 at 9:28 am

The ingredients for napalm.

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Kathleen February 13, 2013 at 9:30 am

A steel spine, a gimlet eye, and all the other parts left over from the bionic woman.

Enough willpower to outlast a fit-throwing two year old.

The ability to save her own damn self, thanks anyway.

A lifetime’s worth of martial arts just looking for someone to punch.

A secret wish that fairytales were actually true, because turning mercenary seems like a really good option sometimes.

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ColinP February 13, 2013 at 10:17 am

A Burrito.

The sure certainty that she will cold stab a bitch if the need arose.

The wrath of Khan.

The missing puzzle pieces that she took just to drive you insane because you tore the whole damn house apart looking for the last damn pieces just finish the damn puzzle and move on with your life.
ColinP recently posted..Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012)

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Laura February 13, 2013 at 10:23 am

a sarcastic comment about her boss.

a longing for more chocolate.

feminist rants.

a slight hatred for The Taming of the Shrew (Because seriously??? She needs an abusive man to “calm her down” into servitude?)

homicidal thoughts.
Laura recently posted..Again in Serious Consideration of my Womanhood

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Laura February 13, 2013 at 7:13 pm

a cotton penis (aka tampon).

at least 3 martinis.
Laura recently posted..Again in Serious Consideration of my Womanhood

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Sarah February 13, 2013 at 11:03 am

The urge to throat punch anyone who attempts to ‘save’ her.

A hatred of princesses and Sarah Jessica Parker.

The desire for a decent ponytail holder and the perfect pair of yoga pants.
Sarah recently posted..A Contest: The Spam, It Keeps On Coming

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Claire February 13, 2013 at 11:12 am

An irrational fear of skinny jeans.

(PS – mentioned you in my most recent post for a Versatility Award.)

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Jen W February 13, 2013 at 11:21 am

The ability to make any copy of 50 Shades of Gray spontaneously combust with a mere thought.

The souls of all her ex-boyfriends.

Red Bull and Cheetos.

WOLVERINES!!!

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Sarah February 13, 2013 at 3:40 pm

Damn. I almost said Wolverines!
Sarah recently posted..A Contest: The Spam, It Keeps On Coming

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Bellum February 13, 2013 at 11:40 am

A carefully hidden shiv

A never ending eye roll at all the fragile princesses

Extreme hatred for all vagina freshening products

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Bellum February 13, 2013 at 11:50 am

An urge to motorboat Katy Perry

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Theresa February 13, 2013 at 12:20 pm

A black mamba and a pint of tequila.

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Angela February 13, 2013 at 12:22 pm

Guts… black stuff… and about 50 Slim Jims.

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QOE February 13, 2013 at 12:29 pm

a seething white hot hatred for anything Kardashian
Prosecco and corn nuts

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Elizabeth February 13, 2013 at 12:33 pm

a building orgasm
an quiet love for Nicolas Cage in Moonstruck
an additional inner Cher
chocolate

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winopants February 13, 2013 at 12:57 pm

An impulse to rage throw their high heels at a wall

A wish to photobomb other people’s wedding photos

A passive-aggressive ploy to shame their partner’s cleaning habits
winopants recently posted..Ninja Feet

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Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) February 13, 2013 at 1:36 pm

A plot for the perfect murder.

The number for a hit man.

The knowledge that just about everything tastes better than thin feels.

The know-how to win every.single.arguent.EVER.

The quest for a man who knows exactly where to find her g-spot.

Every fart she’s ever held in.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..The one with the Regional Dialect

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HeatherRose February 13, 2013 at 1:45 pm

Diet pills and a burning hatred of Victoria’s Secret

The ninja skills to save everyone on the plane from the evil terrorist

Enough coffee to animate even Kristen Stewart
HeatherRose recently posted..What’s wrong with the extreme right

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Jay February 13, 2013 at 1:56 pm

The remains of the last man who called her a fragile princess.
Janet Street-Porter
Condescending faux-pity and passive aggression.

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Misty February 13, 2013 at 2:03 pm

E.L. James’ worst nightmare.

A raging psycho just waiting for you to say the word . . . just. one. word.

An entire bottle of wine.

The ability to do it better than you, but have the decency not to gloat about it.

Someone who wants to slap that look off of Kristen Stewart’s face.

Someone who does not need your penis to complete her life, thank you.
Misty recently posted..The Big Time

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Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) February 13, 2013 at 6:50 pm

I’ve never loved you more.

You are forgiven for the whole “Raven’s” fiasco.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..The one with the Regional Dialect

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Misty February 13, 2013 at 6:57 pm

Fiasco? I’m pretty sure you mean “eipc win,” don’t you?

Love you, too.
Misty recently posted..The Big Time

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mosura February 13, 2013 at 4:45 pm

Whiskey.
An urge to slap anyone who calls 50 Shades of Gray “romantic.”
mosura recently posted..Crafty Paper Lapel Pin

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Valerie February 13, 2013 at 5:33 pm

Dunununununununununu BATMAN!!!
A used tampon
The Hulk
An expensive vibrator
A baby kangaroo

Hug!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..Is it weird the Mannequin Store people know me by name?

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Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point February 13, 2013 at 7:10 pm

a timid man trapped inside another confident woman whose insides has another timid man trapped inside another confident woman whose insides… Inception!
Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point recently posted..Donut vs. Doughnut

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downloadable08 February 14, 2013 at 2:38 am

Enough rum to power a college town karaoke bar and/or Jack Sparrow

The fear that she will turn into her mother, so she just goes twice as fast in the opposite direction

Enough simmering rage that you never know what offense will make you WORTH the murder conviction in her eyes

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Raina February 17, 2013 at 12:02 pm

She-Ra. Because I really am the Princess of Power! Also, probably far more coffee and bacon than any one person should safely ingest in a day, and I am cool with that. ;)

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