Joke-Off: Honest Academy Awards Categories

02/27/2013 · 25 comments

in Joke Off

Every year, the Oscars are fancy and wonderful and a big giant dick-suck fest. Let’s be honest, most people don’t care about anything beyond Best Actor, Actress, and Picture–much less Seth MacFarlane’s jokes. So why don’t they just go ahead and acknowledge the fact that it’s ridiculous and give out honest awards?

Oh…so we can! FUCK YOU HOLLYWOOD.

Put your submissions in the comments below–we’ll vote tomorrow and the funniest one among us wins a nonsense gif!

Joke-Off: Honest Academy Awards Categories

  • Highest Quality Blowjobs Given To Harvey
  • Least Amount Of Bagels Thrown Up
  • You’re Not Worse Than Child Stars
  • Was In A Movie With Hugh Jackman
  • Didn’t Ruin A Well-Loved Franchise
  • Most Likely To Become Meryl Streep
  • Most Believable Boobies
  • Highest Grossing Us Weekly Covers
  • Deadest Eyes
  • Best Actor In A Role You Knew Was Bullshit
  • Most Giffable
  • Highest Fan Fiction Appearances
  • Highest Slash Fan Fiction Appearances
  • Most Troubling/Confusing Fan Fiction Appearance
  • You Tried
  • Most Absurd Public Appearance
  • Least Number Of PA’s Intimidated Into Quitting
  • Best Public Tantrum
  • You Quit Acting For A Little While
  • Best SNL Hosting
  • Tried Music And Failed Badly
  • Tried Music And Wasn’t All That Bad
  • Best Bodyguarding
  • Best Pretending Like You Didn’t Want To Be Famous
  • Best Pretending Like You Hate Attention
  • Least Fake Smile
  • Highest Faux Charity Appearances
  • Least Recognizable Actor In A Minimum Of 5 Films
  • Became Marvel Character
  • Goodbye To Acting: Now You’re Typecasted Forever
  • Most Hilarious Photoshopping
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Lovelyn: “I like to play Escape. I think of dangerous scenarios that could happen in the area and the best way to escape them. In my head I’m an action hero. In reality I’m a coward.”
Cheryl S. February 27, 2013 at 7:45 am

Best denial of anorexia (Anne Hathaway, I’m looking at you!)
So changed by plastic surgery as to be unrecognizable
Actor who is the biggest douchebag in real life
Cattiest Actress
Most times on the casting couch to get a part

Amanda- The Southern Unbelle February 27, 2013 at 8:14 am

Classiest crotch shot
Most fake body parts
Best botox smile
Amanda- The Southern Unbelle recently posted..Fashion Homework- Who Wants To Be My Geek?

Mayor Gia February 27, 2013 at 8:27 am

Ugliest cry face
Best F Bomb Thrown
Mayor Gia recently posted..How I Spent My Weekend

Misty February 27, 2013 at 9:10 am

Closest to death

Most weight lost to play a dying patient/anorexic/cancer survivor.

Most papparazzi injured with umbrella/purse/fist.

Least likely to release a sex tape.

MOST likely to release a sex tape . . . by “accident.”

Bravest fat actress.
Misty recently posted..It’s My Birthday . . . So I’m Phoning It In

nadine February 27, 2013 at 10:29 am

Best Sheen/Estevez
Sloppiest Lohan
Weirdest Body Change for a Leading Role

ColinP February 27, 2013 at 10:58 am

Least interesting sex scene in a movie

The person you would most want to drown in a toilet

The category for “Are YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?@#?$!?!@!#”

The category for “OH god, make it stop, please for the love of all that is holy make it stop, makeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstop”
ColinP recently posted..Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012)

Laura February 27, 2013 at 11:16 am

Making a 10 Minuet Monologue Acutely Interesting

Most Actor/ Prop Screw- Ups in a Single Film

Probably Slept with the Producer to Land the Role

Best Attempt at Expressions from an Overly Botox- ed Face
Laura recently posted..Just a Tip

Von February 27, 2013 at 11:40 pm

You know, a 10 Minuet Monologue could really be interesting.

Beth February 27, 2013 at 11:39 am

Best airbrushed magazine cover feature
Best at not being Samuel L. Jackson – meaning you’ll turn down a movie….ever
Most likely to pass out from lack of nutrition
Best supporting actor in the shittiest movie of all time and yet still showing your face in public…
Beth recently posted..Quoting the Princess Bride

Corin February 27, 2013 at 11:48 am

Best Portrayal of a Retard and/or Fuggo.
Corin recently posted..Greetings from the middle of this gigantic rut!

Jen February 27, 2013 at 1:54 pm

Not sure what a “fuggo” is, but as both a special educator and a mother of a special-needs child, I AM sure that “retard” is a derogatory and discriminatory term. I would like to politely and respectfully ask that you refrain from using it in a public forum. Thank you. http://www.r-word.org/
Jen recently posted..Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

Valerie February 27, 2013 at 11:48 am

Most likely to attack the paparazzi
Best role whilst in prosthetic makeup in an order to appear ugly… because Oscar loves ugly bitches!

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..That time I jumped into the freezing ocean for charity… Then promptly killed a man.

winopants February 27, 2013 at 12:16 pm

Most shocking hookup
Best headlight display (Ann!)
Most embarrassing meme
winopants recently posted..Your Taco is Not Cool, Sir

Erin February 27, 2013 at 12:18 pm

Best “Phoned In” performance

Dana the Biped February 27, 2013 at 12:45 pm

Most obnoxious one-liners
Best Body Double
Best scene that should have ended up on the cutting room floor
Most uncomfortable sex scene
Dana the Biped recently posted..You don’t get it, and that makes it funnier. Because I am smart and a terrible human being.

Skylar February 27, 2013 at 1:40 pm

Best looking plastic surgery screw-up

Jen February 27, 2013 at 1:42 pm

*Most Likely To End Up in Porn

*Best Excuse for Casting Julianne Hough

*Best performance by an Inanimate Object (A two-way tie between Lincoln’s hat and Kristen Stewart)

*Lifetime Achievement Award (given to me for my ability to get both of my short people to shut the fuck up for 4 hours and let me watch the Oscars for three years running. Parenting WIN.)
Jen recently posted..Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

Misty February 27, 2013 at 1:48 pm

I don’t even know why I try anymore . . . honestly, you’ve got this one in the bag. Again. :p
Misty recently posted..It’s My Birthday . . . So I’m Phoning It In

Janene February 27, 2013 at 2:37 pm

“Girlfriend, who did your hair, because you so need to bitchslap that person” award

“Whomever suggested that dress for you needs to be shot.”

Award for keeping your shit together despite being so shitfaced it’s obvious you are

HeatherRose February 27, 2013 at 2:54 pm

Token Black Guy Award So No One Thinks We’re Racist
Best Foreign Film from a Scary Country We Don’t Want to Bomb Us
Achievement in Knocking that Insufferable Jennifer Lawrence Down A Peg (awarded to the stairs)
HeatherRose recently posted..Goodbye Daddy

Courtney February 27, 2013 at 8:04 pm

Best Fake Smile for That Bitch No One Wanted To Win
Best Fake Smile for That Movie Nobody Fucking Understood
Best Fake Smile for That One Person That Died This Year That Everyone Fucking Hated.
Courtney recently posted..I Loved The Oscars. Which Apparently Means I’m Very Bad at Being a Female.

Bill G. February 27, 2013 at 8:37 pm

Most Boring Shit Film That Won An Oscar Because It Checked All The ‘Epic Film’ Boxes

Highest/Drunkest Appearance At The Oscars Without Puking Or Passing Out

Biggest Complainer About Unfairness In Corporate CEO Salaries While Movie Set Employees Make Less Than A Starbucks Coffee Slinger

I Gave 0.001% Of My Salary To An AIDS Charity And You’re An Asshole For Not Giving The Same Amount Of Money (Which Is 3/4 Of Your Salary)

Funniest Drug Bust

Most Likely To Wind Up On Celebrity Rehab

Sara Stettler February 27, 2013 at 8:53 pm

The “Finding Euphesisms for Being Fat”

Pretending the boring awards are interesting. (I’m looking at you, sound mixing)

The “My cabbage soup diet necessary to fit into my dress made me gassy, so I need a dress that will absorb my farts”

Johi February 27, 2013 at 9:05 pm

Scariest Without Makeup

Biggest Asshole on the Movie Set

Surprise! They Started Their Movie Career In Porn!

Most Likely to Play the Same Character in Every Movie of Their Entire Career (Hi, you adorable Jennifer Aniston, you)

Most Likely to Be Attacked By Dogs
Johi recently posted..Chapter 3: Life ain’t always peaches and roses.

Kathleen February 27, 2013 at 11:25 pm

Best body double for the “courageous” sex scene.

Best post-delivery plastic surgeon (only goes to the doc whose client can convincingly talk about how she lost 60 pounds 3 months post partum through “breast feeding and eating healthy”.)

Best random extra caught making obscene gestures in the background.

Best elderly action star denial of steroid use.

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