Games You Can Play If You Have No Friends

02/25/2013 · 18 comments

in What Is Wrong With Me

I spend a lot of time alone, and I spend an even longer time being very strange. To help ease the crushing loneliness and pits of strange, I play these.

Ghost Face

You can play this in any crowded place where you happen to be behind other people (elevators, hallways, reception areas). Without making any noise, make the weirdest faces you can at the back of their heads. Don’t stop until you can’t see them anymore. In all the years I’ve played this, no one has ever turned around, but thousands of security guards have been entertained.

Who’s Currently Farting?

The whole world is filled with farts, and everywhere you go, at least 2 people are farting. There are hundreds of different tells–figure out who it is, and when you do…leave that place immediately.

Also, the answer is usually my husband.

Everything Is A Ballad

Sing every song on the radio as though Celine Dion and/or Michael Bolton sang it. Commit to the voice, and sing as loud as you possibly can. It sincerely improves Nickelback, and my God, you’ve never heard Rage Against The Machine until Michael Bolton is Killing In The Name Of.

I Am The Motherfucking Princess

Especially fun to play at the mall. You’re the princess–you own everything at this store. Be that princess. Walk like one, look at all your fancy shit like one, and treat all the employees like one (a Kate Middleton princess, not a terrible bitch princess), but tell no one who you are. You are incognito, and you are so fucking awesome. Instant mood-booster.


Quick–you and everyone in the room have immediately become participants in a ceremony, the finale of which is a sacrifice. Pick out that person in your head. Think about this one, because you’re going to need a really solid sacrifice to complete the ceremony.

After writing these out, I need to go back to therapy. I have some goddamn problems.

What games do you play when you’re alone?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana The Biped: You know, I’ve always wondered about the whole smut fiction/nobody ever gets their period thing myself. You never see romantic heroines batting their dude’s hands away about halfway through foreplay, all “YOU SHALL NOT PASS.” 
Mayor Gia February 25, 2013 at 6:48 am

Who can I outrun if a bear comes in a starts mauling people?
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Sarah February 25, 2013 at 12:45 pm

I am playing that one the next time I’m in line somewhere!
Sarah recently posted..Some Real Advice For Teen Moms

Valerie February 25, 2013 at 7:03 am

When I’m gasy and in public, I like to play “blame the fart”… This consist of my standing next to loud obnoxious children or really large hairy men, and letting go. Then I look at them all disgusted like and walk away.


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nadine February 25, 2013 at 7:38 am

My alone-game is weirder and creepier for sure. When you’re in public (works great for public transportation, in an elevator, on an escalator), just touch a person close to you so lightly that they don’t even notice it. Just touch their sleeve or their arm, not like genitals or anything. Briefcases work too. But if you touch them too hard and get caught, pretend you were reaching for your phone or something and say “oh sorry.”

nadine February 25, 2013 at 3:30 pm

i did touch a butt or two though.

Jaclyn February 25, 2013 at 8:13 am

Oh, I love to play the “Attach a Racial Stereotype to a Stranger” game, and create backstories in my head with baby daddies and border jumping and shit like that. It’s okay. I have a Hispanic baby, so I can totally do shit like that and not feel bad about it.
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Cheryl S. February 25, 2013 at 9:33 am

Mostly if I’m alone in public I have a whole different life going on in my head, so no need to involve other people. It’s sort of like your “princess” game, I just don’t act it out. But I’m totally the shit in my head!

Also fun is totally judging everone around you by imagining the worst bacstory ever for everyone!

Roxie February 25, 2013 at 10:14 am

I like you, and I like that you’re strange! And my game is “Good Hugger” Look at each stranger around you and guess if they are, or are not good huggers. (Hint, the chubbier the person, the better the hug!)

winopants February 25, 2013 at 11:11 am

I was at a movie the other day and when everyone stood up at the end, some serious fart stank wafted up. I was immediately curious and tried to locate its source, which, oddly enough, I think was a teenage girl. She probably thought she was crafty, letting them rip while surrounded by big dudes- but I know that ploy all too well
winopants recently posted..My Strange TV Addiction: COPS

Jen February 25, 2013 at 12:22 pm

I like to pretend that I’m actually a cyborg from another planet, analyzing human interactions. I’ll watch people walking or talking and mimic them, thinking “This is how a human walks” or “This is how humans communicate”. And any time I’m eating alone, I try to synch it with a particular song. I am currently masticating a handful of Wheat Thins to Blackstreet’s “No Diggity”.

I’m alone too much. . .
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Amanda- The Southern Unbelle February 25, 2013 at 12:35 pm

Okay, I just got tons of fun new games to play in public. I do the usual “create a backstory” game. Or sometimes I imagine some sort of freak emergency and/or attacker and how I would escape or protect myself with my surroundings. Though, the latter game may be more a product of paranoia than creativity.
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Dana the Biped February 25, 2013 at 12:57 pm

I like to play “I don’t speak English.” I know about twelve very odd sentences in Fryske such as, “The house is new, but the cow is young.” I like to bust these out at the mall when the kiosk people start getting grabby and then watch as, baffled, they try to figure out where the hell I’m supposed to be from. I also like to play “How long can I dance in the company breakroom without anyone walking in and thinking I’m crazy?” But I’m not actually very good at that game, and now everybody thinks I’m crazy.
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HeatherRose February 25, 2013 at 1:59 pm

I like to pick out the person around me who looks most like an asshole, then envision a scenario wherein they do something totally asshole-ish to me (try to steal my phone, tell me to smile when I don’t WANT to fucking smile, etc), and I’m forced to go all stopping-hijackers-on-a-plane on their ass. The added bonus is that these scenarios invariably cause me to scowl and grind my teeth, and people are even more likely to stay out of my way and leave me alone.
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Lovelyn February 25, 2013 at 2:47 pm

I like to play Escape. I think of dangerous scenarios that could happen in the area and the best way to escape them. In my head I’m an action hero. In reality I’m a coward.
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Misty February 25, 2013 at 3:15 pm

I like to play which celebrity do you look most like.

Also . . . Killing in the Name of by Michael Bolton. I can totally hear that shit. Brilliant.
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Banana Stickers February 25, 2013 at 4:08 pm

I like to play a game called “slow morph”.
When you’re stuck in any kind of space and a stranger is staring at you, stare back and REALLY SLOWLY twist your face into some kind of creepy/funny/weird/unnatural expression. Do it slow enough that it isn’t obvious at first as to what in the hell you’re doing.
If that doesn’t make much sense, practice in front of a mirror. THEN YOU’LL KNOW.
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Melodie February 26, 2013 at 12:36 pm

I like to create music videos in my head. If I’m listening to music and suddenly start scowling or turn dramtically with a tragic expression on my face, then I am more than likely acting out my music video.

Also I discovered sometime in middle school that I’m good at making sound effects (well not GOOD, but passable), and so when I talk to myself or act out my music video I’ll make my own background noise.

Wow it just occured to me that that’s weird. No wonder pretty much everyone I know thinks I’m nuts.

Handflapper February 28, 2013 at 12:03 am

“Which Famous Person Is That Trying to Be Incognito in Walmart?”

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