Questions for the Garth Brooks Oil Portrait Hanging Above the Door in a Dallas Hobby Lobby

01/21/2013 · 14 comments

in Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

  • Why a color blocked button-down in an American color scheme?
  • Why is your hat so small?
  • What is wrong with your left eye?
  • Why are you so shiny?
  • Are you up to the shenanigans your side-smile insinuates?
  • Who created you?
  • Is your shoulder dislocated?
  • Is that a sarong you’re sitting in front of, or just a tie-dyed bed sheet?
  • Is this the mangled horror that inspired Chris Gaines?
  • Was your nose originally painted where it currently resides, or was it originally where that ghost-nose shadow is?
  • How does your neck support your head?
  • Are you situated above the registers to inspire second-guessing in crafting customers?
  • Do you know what goes on inside my mind, as your gaze suggests?
  • Did you always resemble Bruce Jenner?
  • What am I doing with my existence?
  • If I had never seen this portrait of you, would I still have missed The Dance?
  • Why have you shown up in my dreams every night since I last saw you?
  • Are you Dorian Gray?
  • Are you angry about Pure Country?
  • Do you still incite nervous flutters from middle-aged women, even in your oily and deranged current state?
  • Do you often incite the surprised and frightened shouts, such as the one I gave while purchasing my frame?
  • Do you hold dominion over the floral section?
  • Do you really feel you deserve a gilded frame?
  • Why is Easter merchandise already available?
  • Are you responsible for the hurrying of seasons from retail merchandisers?
  • Must I surrender my innocence when I gaze upon you?
  • Why did I think about rape so much this weekend?
  • Kali-ma?
  • Did anyone ever want you in their home?
  • Will you cause crop destruction if you are in someone’s home?
  • Did that checkout clerk call the authorities upon discovering me, spellbound in floral, staring at your misshapen face?
  • Why does everything taste like smoke now?
  • Will the sulphur smell go away?
  • Do you truly have friends in low places?
  • Why are you?

What’s the weirdest, most out-of-place, or funniest thing you’ve ever seen in a store?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post
From Mayor Gia: “Ahhh I’m a sucker for a demented cartoon…”
Winopants January 21, 2013 at 3:47 am

I was laughing as soon as I saw the title of this post. I can only imagine how maimed this image must be.
I did a double-take recently when passing by a local boutique/faux-vintage shop. In the window was a handbag made of long purple shag and leopard print that was so large it could have been a small suitcase. I suspect it was second-run Cruella De Vil
Winopants recently posted..Confessions of a Potty Mouth

Jen January 21, 2013 at 8:55 am

There’s a place in Central Oregon where we always stop for lunch on the way to the mountain that is just some red curtains and a dancing midget away from being a David Lynch film set. The food is shitty and the clientele questionable but I’m drawn back again and again by the siren’s song of the taxidermist two-headed calf who’s dusty visage stares at you with its four cold, dead eyes from its place next to the salad bar. “Eat the salad,” it seems to say, “as though it will absolve you of your carnivorous sins, you whore”.
Jen recently posted.."A@@holes, A@@holes, We All Fall Down…"

Mayor Gia January 21, 2013 at 9:28 am

We need a picture!
Mayor Gia recently posted..MLK!

Misty January 21, 2013 at 7:10 pm

Agreed. Come on, Noa. Have I taught you NOTHING??
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: Sights & Sounds Around Town

Jen January 21, 2013 at 11:03 am

Found one somebody posted on flickr. Apparently I’m not the only fan of this fine establishment.
Jen recently posted.."A@@holes, A@@holes, We All Fall Down…"

Brea January 21, 2013 at 11:06 am

I was in a pizza parlor the other day. It’s run by a middle eastern couple. The store was completely decked out in pictures of Jesus and the virgin Mary. Not tasteful photos either. I’m talking neon-baby Jesus and holographic Virgins everywhere! Their reason for it? They wanted to appeal to the western cultures.
Brea recently posted..Rehab

TheChickIsRight January 21, 2013 at 11:46 am

Four words: Jake the Alligator Man. You’re welcome. :-)

Dana the Biped January 21, 2013 at 12:41 pm

Was it painted on velvet? Please tell me it was painted on velvet.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Well, That’s Just Embarrassing…

Misty January 21, 2013 at 7:13 pm

I know that shirt of which you speak.

I want to know:

How long he was schtupping Trisha before he divorced his wife.
How a man who owns a shirt like that can possibly have TWO women vying for his affections.
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: Sights & Sounds Around Town

Valerie January 21, 2013 at 7:16 pm

How do any of the store’s employees get any work done with that glorious face staring down upon them?!?!


Valerie recently posted..New study shows that Monday is a dirty crack hoe trying to give you herpes

mandi January 22, 2013 at 12:48 pm

If they don’t sell that very picture in paint by number Hobby Lobby should just call it quits. What good is a craft store displaying glorious wares if they do not sell them!? Marketing, people, marketing.

Starle January 23, 2013 at 3:58 am

I m so sorry for your pain. You have my deepest, heartfelt condolences. I would give good money to anyone who could capture your words in any art form, and especially if it was in interpretive dance.
Starle recently posted..I think I may have committed a dog crime. I need advice. August 28, 2013 at 2:31 pm

You can definitely see your enthusiasm in the article you write.
The sector hopes for more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to mention how they believe.
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