Joke-Off: Unfortunate Answers From A Home Pregnancy Test

01/02/2013 · 26 comments

in Joke Off

Every Wednesday, I start a Joke-Off about a topic I make up (or one you guys suggest). On Thursday, we all vote on who’s the funniest bitch of the week based on these submissions. If you want to play, just add in your submission in the comments!

One time, I bought a home pregnancy test at Walgreens, and the cashier asked me, “Is this a good thing or a bad thing?” To which I responded, “Well, I guess I’ll roll the dice and see.”

Not a great answer to her, I now understand thanks to the shocked and appalled looks from everyone around us. but at least the test was pretty clear. But…what if they weren’t?

Joke-Off: Unfortunate Answers From A
Home Pregnancy Test

  • Was that a queef I heard?
  • AIDS
  • Asparagus, eh?
  • Babymama
  • Kanye? Really?
  • Irresponsible
  • I hope you like neon colors and all your shit ruined
  • I’m bigger than he was. Want to pass that gene on?
  • Girl, trim that shit up
  • That belly tattoo was cute
  • Heads up: I’m pretty drunk right now
  • Pergnurt
  • I’m just an intern–I can try to help, but no guarantees, okay?
  • Now you’ll be the crazy cat lady and also a baby!
  • Did you know Trojan and EPT are totally in bed together?
  • There uh, may or may not be a smell situation going on down there
  • I’ll bet you thought that clit piercing was a great idea
  • Maybe?
  • Cherry…Cherry…OH MAN LEMON.
  • Vegas wasn’t that fun
  • Tax Break
  • Jesus isn’t happy
  • Kirk Cameron isn’t happy
  • You don’t know fear yet.
  • Preguntas
  • Upload to Facebook?
  • In good news, now you’ll have great tits
  • One glass of champagne and you’ll get fertilized by anyone, won’t you?
  • Did you know chickens lay eggs out of the same hole they poop from? Be glad you at least don’t have to do that.
  • This is gonna be so great to hold over your sister’s head
  • It’s already an ugly baby
  • BAC: .81

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From April: “Well, I WAS dreading the annual New Year’s Eve party full of all my married and happily committed friends but NOT ANYMORE! As one of the few single girls in the crowd, I’m going to scream “YOU LIAR” and take a swig anytime someone uses one of the above words and then refuse to explain myself. I love drinking games, don’t you?”
winopants January 2, 2013 at 1:19 am

winopants recently posted..(Un)Romancing the Butt, New Year’s Style

Mayor Gia January 2, 2013 at 6:39 am

Pregnant? Yeah right. You’re barren, bitch!
Mayor Gia recently posted..Revisiting that New Year’s Resolution

Sarah January 2, 2013 at 7:14 am

What about some Magic 8 Ball responses…
Don’t count on it
Better not tell you now
As I see it, Yes.
Sarah recently posted..On Non-Resolutions and #OneHourforMe

Christine January 2, 2013 at 8:11 am

Better call the casting directors of 16 & Pregnant!
Enjoy feeling like a constipated whale!
How you gonna explain this to your vasectomied husband?
Congrats, slut!
Christine recently posted..Someone’s on his Way to Becoming a Youtube Star

Roxie January 2, 2013 at 9:51 am

No whammies, no whammies, no whammies — stop!

Roxie January 2, 2013 at 9:52 am

Snake Eyes

Roxie January 2, 2013 at 9:52 am

Enough vitamin C, already!

Roxie January 2, 2013 at 9:53 am

Maybe drink a little more water? It shouldn’t be syrupy.

Dana the Biped January 2, 2013 at 12:57 pm

Way to go, dummy.

You know how many women poop on the table while they’re in labor?

Say goodbye to your nice, non-puked-on clothes, your ankles, and your pristine picachu–shit’s never gonna be the same.

Dana the Biped recently posted..Window Licker

Beth January 3, 2013 at 3:34 pm

I read these before I went to bed and I dreamed I had a baby, it was kidnapped, but I was more concerned with the fact I had to shit while delivering said stolen baby. I kept screaming, I have to shit, I have to shit…so I did…on the floor. What the fuck does that even mean?! Good grief.

Larbs January 2, 2013 at 1:06 pm

Now we’re both wet.

Banana Stickers January 2, 2013 at 1:08 pm

Why, oh why, didn’t you just blow the dude and leave it at that?

Well there goes all your hopes and dreams


Hear that echo? That’s the sound of nothing in your uterus. Congrats. Or sorry. One of those.
Banana Stickers recently posted..Marmalade, STUFF and the occasional bag of salad

Skylar January 2, 2013 at 1:49 pm

I PITY the fool who went down there!

Whoop whoop! Child support checks!

Do you want the good news or the bad news?

If it looks anything like you, I hope that doctor has a strong stomach.

Misty January 2, 2013 at 2:33 pm

Mazel Tov!

Might wanna take it again, just to be sure. You know you got the 4 pack, anyway. Slut!

(Noa, are you trying to tell us something? Huh, huh?). ;)
Misty recently posted..She’s Baaaa-aaack!! Jen e Sais Quoi Returns

HeatherRose January 2, 2013 at 2:39 pm

Nope, just a sinus infection.

At least that was the gist of my last one. Thank god.
HeatherRose recently posted..The end of my TSA troubles

Mandi January 2, 2013 at 2:44 pm

You owe the gene pool more chlorine.
You may want to schedule your appearance on Maury now.
Bitch, please. No one gets preggers in the mile high club.
Mandi recently posted..The Rabid Nutball Has Returned.

thebitterkitten January 2, 2013 at 2:50 pm

What happened in Vegas obviously is not staying there…

I’m a pregnancy test not an damn etch a sketch. Regardless of how many times you shake me, I’m still going to read the same result!

That condom was an epic fail!

And you thought your lower back tat would be a nice reminder of your partying days…

Doesn’t your company have a non-fraternizing policy?

~this was too much fun!!! Is that a bad thing?

Beth January 2, 2013 at 2:50 pm

Might want to just throw yourself down the steps now.

Based on the amount of hormones I am detecting, your baby might be a quitter just like you.

Trust me (even though you won’t)

Just buy a boat…it isn’t going to happen

Jessica January 2, 2013 at 2:54 pm

May the fetus be with you.
Could be worse (twins).
Broken Condom Style- Heyyy That’s Your Baby!!

Chris January 2, 2013 at 2:59 pm

Hmm, still have the number for the vaginal rejuvenation hot line?

Whoops, there it is!

No more singing “Like a Virgin.”

Jen January 2, 2013 at 3:35 pm

*Nope, you’re just fat.

*Two words: Brazilian wax.

**It puts the condom on the penis or it gets the hose again, Whore.
Jen recently posted..Me Get More Smarter One Day

Johi January 2, 2013 at 4:13 pm

No amount of vomiting will make you see your natural waistline again.

Kiss sleeping in goodbye.
Looks like your daddy needs to oil up his shotgun, cuz there
‘s gonna be a weddin’!

Be patient! It hasn’t been 3 minutes yet!

I hope you enjoy scraping spaghettio’s from the ceiling.

This test costs more than a condom would have, just sayin’.

Don’t worry, stretch marks are trending

Haley January 2, 2013 at 5:09 pm

“Should have swallowed.”
Haley recently posted..September is the pits.

Jen W January 3, 2013 at 12:15 am

You just HAD to “experiment” with your cousin didn’t you??

Good luck explaining this to your girlfriend.

Congrats on trapping the boyfriend who was about to leave you!

Bill G. January 3, 2013 at 8:43 pm

Sandra Lee talking dirty:

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