Every Wednesday, I start a Joke-Off about a topic I make up (or one you guys suggest). On Thursday, we all vote on who’s the funniest bitch of the week based on these submissions. If you want to play, just add in your submission in the comments!
On Friday, Adrian and I drove across the state of Texas to visit my family, and as luck would have it, my sister was only a half-hour behind us even though she was coming from 3+ hours further. To pass the time, Grace and I texted each other back and forth with our equivalent of Oregon Trail–fording rivers and dying of dysentery and giant hawks stealing all our shit.
And it was so fucking fun. As much as we had, I wanted to see all the crazy shit y’all could come up with.
Joke-Off: Oregon Trail Information Screens We Wish Existed
- Use coupon code “NOTDEADYET” to get 10% off at the Green River Crossing
- An eagle stole your baby. Good thing you have 4.
- Aw, you’re just gonna shoot one buffalo? Why not kill eleven? You’ll still bring back the same amount of meat–9 pounds.
- You broke a wagon yoke. Click here to figure out what the fuck that is.
- Arrived in Kansas. It’s horrible, as life mostly is during these times
- Your kid let an oxen free. He was mysteriously swept away in the river
- Another kid died. Shoulda Duggared that shit when you had the chance
- Arrived in Los Angeles. You’re fucking dumb as hell.
- You can ford the river, pay a native to help you cross, or assimilate into his culture and have sweet sweet native sex and not drown.
- Arrived at Fort Kearney. Soldiers immediately proposition you. Accept?
- One of your oxen has died. Click here to learn what an Ox is.
- Arrived at Independence Rock. Would you like to speak with passersby or swing with them?
- Your family was whipped away in a Tornado. Marry a 14-year-old and try again?
- Davy Crockett wants to sleep with you. You did not add him to your PioneerFreebie List. You coulda been spanked with a raccoon tail.
- Let your family sit in the wagon for the journey or make those bastards walk for no fucking reason?
- You have $600 to spend on supplies. Our recommendation? 19 Oxen and fucktons of bullets.
- There are no animals to hunt in this area. Kill party members and achieve infamy?
- Betsy died. You’re not that sad–there isn’t much food left
- Settle here or continue on to Portland and be, like, there way before it was cool?
- Find an abandoned child. Trade him for 11 dollars?
- You lost three days getting drunk and regretting your trip
- Your wife is being a bitch. Leave her in Kansas?
- Trophy Unlocked: Visited a Fort without being raped
- Found hallucinogenic mushrooms along the road. You decided to settle here.
- Visit the trading post? Wait, you totally should. His wife is hot and they’re really open to new experiences.
- Your wagon was flooded. Guess that’s what you get for making this trip in the first place. You’re a banker–what the fuck were you thinking?
- You spy natives on the horizon who only want to trade. Shoot them or shout racist things and shoot them anyway?