Joke-Off: Oregon Trail Information Screens We Wish Existed

01/23/2013 · 13 comments

in Joke Off

Every Wednesday, I start a Joke-Off about a topic I make up (or one you guys suggest). On Thursday, we all vote on who’s the funniest bitch of the week based on these submissions. If you want to play, just add in your submission in the comments!

On Friday, Adrian and I drove across the state of Texas to visit my family, and as luck would have it, my sister was only a half-hour behind us even though she was coming from 3+ hours further. To pass the time, Grace and I texted each other back and forth with our equivalent of Oregon Trail–fording rivers and dying of dysentery and giant hawks stealing all our shit.

And it was so fucking fun. As much as we had, I wanted to see all the crazy shit y’all could come up with.

Joke-Off: Oregon Trail Information Screens We Wish Existed

  • Use coupon code “NOTDEADYET” to get 10% off at the Green River Crossing
  • An eagle stole your baby. Good thing you have 4.
  • Aw, you’re just gonna shoot one buffalo? Why not kill eleven? You’ll still bring back the same amount of meat–9 pounds.
  • You broke a wagon yoke. Click here to figure out what the fuck that is.
  • Arrived in Kansas. It’s horrible, as life mostly is during these times
  • Your kid let an oxen free. He was mysteriously swept away in the river
  • Another kid died. Shoulda Duggared that shit when you had the chance
  • Arrived in Los Angeles. You’re fucking dumb as hell.
  • You can ford the river, pay a native to help you cross, or assimilate into his culture and have sweet sweet native sex and not drown.
  • Arrived at Fort Kearney. Soldiers immediately proposition you. Accept?
  • One of your oxen has died. Click here to learn what an Ox is.
  • Arrived at Independence Rock. Would you like to speak with passersby or swing with them?
  • Your family was whipped away in a Tornado. Marry a 14-year-old and try again?
  • Davy Crockett wants to sleep with you. You did not add him to your PioneerFreebie List. You coulda been spanked with a raccoon tail.
  • Let your family sit in the wagon for the journey or make those bastards walk for no fucking reason?
  • You have $600 to spend on supplies. Our recommendation? 19 Oxen and fucktons of bullets.
  • There are no animals to hunt in this area. Kill party members and achieve infamy?
  • Betsy died. You’re not that sad–there isn’t much food left
  • Settle here or continue on to Portland and be, like, there way before it was cool?
  • Find an abandoned child. Trade him for 11 dollars?
  • You lost three days getting drunk and regretting your trip
  • Your wife is being a bitch. Leave her in Kansas?
  • Trophy Unlocked: Visited a Fort without being raped
  • Found hallucinogenic mushrooms along the road. You decided to settle here.
  • Visit the trading post? Wait, you totally should. His wife is hot and they’re really open to new experiences.
  • Your wagon was flooded. Guess that’s what you get for making this trip in the first place. You’re a banker–what the fuck were you thinking?
  • You spy natives on the horizon who only want to trade. Shoot them or shout racist things and shoot them anyway?
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Brea: “I was in a pizza parlor the other day. It’s run by a middle eastern couple. The store was completely decked out in pictures of Jesus and the virgin Mary. Not tasteful photos either. I’m talking neon-baby Jesus and holographic Virgins everywhere! Their reason for it? They wanted to appeal to the western cultures.” 
Winopants January 23, 2013 at 6:11 am

A caravan headed for the border offers to “pimp your ride” for one ox
The blacksmith has his eye on you. Offer to trade sexual favors for one pound of bacon?
(To which my boyfriend says: “It doesn’t have to be the 1800s, I’d consider doing that now”)
Winopants recently posted..Confessions of a Potty Mouth

Mayor Gia January 23, 2013 at 6:46 am

You turn to prostitution to get supplies. You catch VD. The end.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Five Stages of Wine Grief

Jen January 23, 2013 at 7:17 am

Oregon…goddamnit, Noa. These be mah peeps.

*You learn your girlfriend has died of dysentery. Cry about it publicly until you realize the Widow Jones was just “catfishing” you.

*Ask the chuck wagon for an organic, gluten-free, vegan meal. . .you have just been killed.

*Realize your flannel shirt and ripped jeans are no longer “edgy” or “ironic”. Lose 10 points of street cred.
Jen recently posted..The Cheese Stands Alone

Roxie January 23, 2013 at 9:13 am

You are told all the other wagon trains have died of dysentery. Find out what the fuck causes dysentery.

Ashley F January 23, 2013 at 11:40 am

“Texas: Where you can watch your dog run away for miles”
– Texas Animal Control
Ashley F recently posted..To Therapy or NOT To Therapy

Corin January 23, 2013 at 12:08 pm

“Grandma has drowned in the river. Again. What the fuck, kid? It’s like you don’t even WANT everyone to get to Oregon.”
Corin recently posted..Small Things Sunday – January 20th

Dana the Biped January 23, 2013 at 12:45 pm

You have died crossing this river 143 consecutive games. Build a fucking bridge already, man.
Betsy has died of dysentery. Trade her for a pound of bacon.
Beware! This water is poisonous. Take the out while you have the chance.
Your third-grade crush just died. But hey, he’s bald now in real life.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Not the Phone You’re Looking For

ColinP January 23, 2013 at 3:42 pm

Gang raped by robbers, lose 3 months of supplies and dignity.

Abducted by interstellar aliens, lose 3 days and your heinie feels strange.

Yes you have missed that turn at Albuquerque, again… Welcome to Salt Lake City. You are a mormon now.
ColinP recently posted..Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012)

Jenny January 23, 2013 at 4:54 pm

You have wagon-expedition crotch. Would you like to ford the river or wash off your stank in it?
Jenny recently posted..A Turd in the Tub: The Magical Thinking of Kids

Bill G. January 23, 2013 at 6:49 pm

* You come down with a severe case of baboon-ass. You’re down to $30. Do you spend it on butt medicine or water that smells like diesel fuel?
* Mother-in-law’s yappy dog shits in your shoe. Do you drown him in the river and insist you haven’t seen him for hours, or do you perform a ritual killing and not give two shits who sees it?
* Your farts are orange smoke that smells like rotten eggs. Do you use your last $50 to buy food or pay the shaman to tell you what the hell is going on?
* Note to self: kill the author of the last book you read–“Oregon Trail: The Path to Excitement and Adventure.”
* You died less than 100 miles out of St. Louis–for the 50th time in a row. You suck so bad that only you and a 3 year old have achieved a negative score. You’d probably light your ass on fire while attempting to take a shit. Go drink some fucking hemlock already.

mandi January 23, 2013 at 10:25 pm

“This game will prep you for adult life when the government/bosses make all the choices despite the course you choose and you just keep hitting enter and hope that eventually it gets fair… It doesn’t. And you really do die at the end”

“There is no Santa”

“Invent something useful and screw this damned hard living or ford that river?”

“You’ve named your trail-spouse after the boy at the next desk… Again. Move ahead fifteen years to Facebook creepin”

“In twelve years this green type is going to blow your mind. Morpheus will lead you beyond the end of the trail”

hermes August 8, 2013 at 3:56 am

hermes 財布 アウトレット

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