Sunday, December 23:
My dearest husband has booked me on a voyage to Liberal, Kansas on Great Lakes Airlines! Why, it has great right there in the name, and that means a quality trip! Thank goodness they were there for me during my last-minute time of need–and for only $500!
Wednesday, December 26th:
The bag attendant was so kind when he silently hand-wrote my bag ticket in a solid ten minutes! Other airlines tend to feel so rushed with their fancy computers and updated operating systems and software that communicates with the gate! And leaving from the A-terminal, can you imagine? That’s where international flights leave from–how upper class!
A…61 is the gate I need. It seems that the A terminal, at least by my watch, ends at A 44. I shall find an attendant.
Oh, there’s a downstairs? A downstairs to an airport? How…Narnia-esque! Paging Mr. Tumnus to the White Courtesy Phone!
My goodness, the sights do change quickly when one travels! Instead of vast swaths of glass windows and soft carpet and heat, the A 45-70 gates are treated to the safety of concrete blocks and the airy feel of patches of wall replaced with plastic sheeting in December (in Colorado!) It’s all so exciting!
Why, this terminal must be a whole mile from beginning to end! Thank goodness they’ve lined it with these benches from all over the rest of the airport for people to sit upon. The incredibly narrow walkway has a sort of Bazaar feel with all the hustle and bustle and sometimes heavy, rope-tied luggage being battered about–it’s a bit like Indiana Jones! Is there a Doctor in the house?
Finally reached my gate and checked in! Having many of the doors open in this final gate area does imply better air circulation, and judging by how many people here are coughing, air circulation is a good thing. I have pulled my scarf over my face, as it seems I am in real danger of contracting tuberculosis. There are a large number of children wandering around here, a group of pickpockets and urchins if sights are to be believed. There is a lack of any food other than what must be a food stand selling hot dogs (if the single hand-drawn photo of a hot dog on printer paper with $6.50 written underneath is to be believed). This is…somewhat of a let down. I’ll persevere though. Though it may be cold and poor and loud with the shouts of confused people who have never flown before, I have faith that at any moment, an Irish folk band will erupt.
Our plane has arrived! The journey continues!
We have to walk to our plane! It’s 4 degrees outside!
There are ten motherfucking seats on this plane. I paid $500 for this motherfucking toaster to bounce my ass around–with no heat–all the way to fucking Kansas. Fuck this shit. It is cold as my heart on this piece of shit bastard-ass dick plane. Everyone on this plane is over 100, and they’re all gonna keep their lights on to read their shitty ass Norah Roberts bullshit books for this whole flight and–THERE IS A FUCKING IN-FLIGHT MAGAZINE? ABOUT SHITBAG SOUTH DAKOTA? You mean to tell me you had time to write and produce what must be the world’s most boring fucking magazine and you can’t heat a bitch up before 9 old-ass ladies and me get on this? FUCK ALL Y’ALL.
The mothershitting pilot just said, “Hey, we’re gonna go to Dodge City. Buckle up.” And then he sat his bastard ass down and there is not even a door to the cockpit so I can see his incompetent ass the entire time.
Good thing these propellers aren’t the loudest goddamn thing I’ve ever heard, and that I’m not allowed to use my iPod under any circumstances because the Baha Men will trigger your bitch-ass navigation into diving head-first into whatever the fuck is of any value in Kansas.
We got the fuck out of Dodge. This plane was not worth the ability to say that with sincerity.
We just pulled up to the fucking back door of the Liberal Airport, which I’m assuming for a large amount of its life was a strip mall. Slipped on a patch of ice and almost took out the ‘bag transfer personnel’ which is just the oldest woman I’ve ever seen in a pair of shitty-ass coveralls.
I went to pee, and now the lights are off and the door is locked.
The people who say, “It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey,” have never flown Great Lakes.
Ever had a trip go awry? Ever expected something on vacation and got something…very different?– Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Jen: “Noa, I will take your everlasting love and ghetto owl but you can keep your firstborn. I don’t spend this much time and money on quality birth control to have more needy little people drooling on my leg and demanding food and money.”