I once cracked a rib laughing while trying to convince a woman that her house was haunted by hand jobs.

I was a ghost hunter for a while not too long ago, and it was every bit as weird and awesome as you’d think. I encountered things that I am still trying to explain. I’ve seen the full body of a man appear and then disappear right before my eyes. I once felt someone’s hands resting on my shoulders while the only other person in the room stood in front of me. I once heard the recorded sounds of two people fucking when we know no one was in the room during the recording. That one…that one still gets me.

Part of my job in this particular organization was to field calls and questions from prospective clients who needed an investigation. Sometimes the calls required legitimate investigations–the clients would have activity we couldn’t easily explain based on past encounters.

However, nine out of ten of these calls was an easy explanation and a thank you very much, please call if you need help again. You aren’t possessed, but please call this psychologist. You aren’t haunted, you just live under 12 power lines. Demons aren’t stealing your roast, but your dog probably is. Harmless calls fielding only reassurance and explanation.

Most were concerning. This one was magnificent.

“You see, my husband and I were in bed, and I heard a pop, and then a white, waxy substance landed on my face and hands.”

“Oh, okay. Did you have a candle lit? Sometimes the flames can pop wax around.”

“I did not have any candles, only my bedside lamp. The substance was also on my lamp and a picture frame.”

“…alright. Did you have any lotion nearby? Maybe some food? Anything else that the white substance could have come from?”

“No.”

“That’s strange. Was your husband awake for all of this? What did he see?”

“He was laying in bed under the covers right next to me. He was just as mystified as I was.”

It was here that I had to mute the call and scream with laughter. I’ll bet he was goddamn mystified as to how it got from under the covers onto her face and hands. Also–the lamp? Good aim, sir.

“Could it be ectoplasm, do you think? I’ve done a lot of research that says it might be that,” She asked.

“No ma’am, I don’t believe it was ectoplasm. I…uh…I think this might have a natural explanation. It’s pretty rare that spirits would or even could do such a thing, especially if you did not already have a white, waxy substance anywhere near you. And your husband, what does he say about all of this?”

“He thinks it’s pretty strange, but he’s been pretty quiet about it.”

I’ll bet he was.

I told her I’d pass this on, and we’d either be able to provide an explanation or investigate if need be. I sent over the transcript and my notes to my superior, who responded with just this.

“Recommendation: spanksock.”

Ever had a supernatural experience, or had to try to convince someone else that theirs was…not real?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Mayor Gia: “The lack of standardization with black belts is crazy. I used to think a black belt in martial arts always meant some crazy intense thing. Then I saw a ten year old get one. Oh. Nevermind.”
Mayor Gia December 17, 2012 at 7:01 am

Hahahah wow. How is it possible that she doesn’t know how to identify jizz?!?! BRING BACK SEX ED IN SCHOOLS PLEASE
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Noa December 19, 2012 at 3:36 am

I shall take this story to the White House.

Abby December 17, 2012 at 7:21 am

You know, if she can’t recognize splooge when she sees it, no WONDER her husband is masturbating under the covers lol
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Bill G. December 18, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Hahaha!! Love it!!

She needs a sex therapist, not an exorcist.

Noa December 19, 2012 at 3:59 am

I was so confused as to how she didn’t know, but she wouldn’t give me an alternative source possibility other than “a ghost did it.” I really really wish I’d have investigated now.

Sarah December 17, 2012 at 8:47 am

HA! That was great!
I’ve seen some weird/paranormal stuff in my time. Right now we seem to have something going on in our house. My husband is always trying to debunk it, GhostHunters style… but now he’s stymied. I even wrote about it: http://casafrigerio.blogspot.com/2012/09/dereliction-of-duty-and-ghostesses.html.
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Noa December 19, 2012 at 3:44 am

Is it creepy for me to say, “I want to book a flight to your house because that sounds pretty rad?”

Yes. Yes it is.

nadine December 17, 2012 at 11:57 am

Ke$ha fucked a ghost. You don’t know for sure it wasn’t ghost-jizz.
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Noa December 19, 2012 at 3:45 am

OH MAN that interview was priceless. She never stops being awesome.

winopants December 17, 2012 at 12:37 pm

That sounds like the most entertaining receptionist task ever, though I can’t begin to imagine how crazy some of those callers must have been. Would love to hear some of your ghost stories from the field!
I recently stayed at a place that felt haunted. Something odd turned up on one of the photos, and while I’m kinda sure it’s nothing, it keeps freaking me out: http://winoonaramble.com/my-first-very-own-ghost-story/
I don’t really know anyone with professional experience to ask about this!
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Noa December 19, 2012 at 3:50 am

Mreh mreh, here comes the lame train: while I can’t speak for spooky feelings or especially the feeling of being watched (which could be something or could be powerlines and shit like that), the photo looks like a reflection. Photos are tricky, and that one is pretty cool, but to me it looks like just a right-angle-right-moment situation. Could be wrong.

It was a hell of a lot more fun than doing reception for an optometrist, I’ll say.

Winopants December 19, 2012 at 2:04 pm

I know it should totally be a reflection, especially because it looks like it’s on top of the glass. But what was kinda freaky about it is the weird shape, there’s a wispy arm looking thing that comes down. And there’s no similar reflection in the other windows.
The peeps at the winery are going to try find out more history about the place, I guess a bunch of other guests have reported a “presence.”
Your story about the music hall- Holy crap. I’m such a wimp, I couldn’t imagine seeing actual apparitions. Fuuck that :P
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Dana the Biped December 17, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Huh. Aural sex, huh? Glad to hear I have a chance for some hanky-panky on the Other Side, at least.

Actually, that fact that I call it “hanky-panky” is probably why I’m not getting any on This Side.

Damnit.
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Noa December 19, 2012 at 3:51 am

Ke$ha that shit out. Just start having sex with ghosts now.

Valerie December 17, 2012 at 2:36 pm

The thing that is MOST concerning to me is the “pop” she heard before being attacked by semen. He might want to get that checked out.

Hugs!

Valerie
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Bill G. December 18, 2012 at 8:34 pm

Yow! I hope that was just his elbow popping!

Noa December 19, 2012 at 3:52 am

That was the part I could never explain, but I imagine someone’s sweaty palm can created a nice little suction sound south of the border in a moment of joy.

I’m gross.

Misty December 17, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Yeah, I say it’s ghost splooge. I mean, if you recorded 2 ghosts having sex, what’s to say that that isn’t the byproduct of their lovemaking?

Either that, or that husband of hers is a ninja spanker. Seriously, how stealthy was he that she had no idea when he was laying right beside her and then BLAM splooge in the face! He’s one stealthy mofo, I’ll give him that.
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Noa December 19, 2012 at 3:53 am

So fucking stealthy, yo. I still think about how he did it, but apparently wanking-when-the-wife’s-asleep is totally a common thing.

TheChickIsRight December 17, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Bahahahahahaha! The ghost splooge/ ninja spanker story is awesomeness squared!

One of the vestiges of my 12 years of Catholic schooling is a morbid fascination with all things ghosty (not to mention a metric fuckton of baggage, but I digress)… and an abject terror of actually being involved with any of it. I will devour any book/ movie/ television show that involves ghost stories and/ or ghost hunting. However, if I ever got a whiff of an honest-to-goodness cold spot or a disembodied voice, I would Hail Mary my ass right outta there!

Holy schneikies, I bet you have some fun and interesting stories.

Love, love, LOVE your blog! Thank you so much for your LOFB! You guys help keep me sane! :-)

Noa December 19, 2012 at 4:01 am

1) Thank you for reading me and my LOF bitches!

2) It’s fucking rad as shit. Less scary than you’d think, honestly. But, that said, someone tried to kill me once non-related to ghost stuff, so I have a skewed view on safety.

Tina December 21, 2012 at 4:27 am

Do tell!

Tina December 18, 2012 at 12:37 am

We’ve got a ghost. He’s very quiet all year until Christmas, then the almost daily tree ornament ransacking commences. Not only does he pull and smash ornaments on the floor, he flings them across the room. So far he’s broken two and knocked a third one that survived, never while we are in the room though.

Last year I was in the kitchen, out of sight of the tree when I heard a bell ring. I had a couple bells on the tree so I thought maybe my dog had bumped a branch…he was at my feet in the kitchen. When I walked back to the living room, the bell ornament was on the floor, 5 feet from the tree, right where I had just been sitting.

I told Bob, the ghost, to fuck off and leave my shit alone. He did for the rest of the season. Looks like he and I need to have another chat.

Bill G. December 18, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Maybe you have a cat that came with the house and only comes out from under the couch when people aren’t around. Does milk run out faster than it should? Do you have unexplained empty tuna cans in the morning?

Tina December 21, 2012 at 4:01 am

Nope, no ghost kitties. Just Bob, ornament slayer.

Noa December 19, 2012 at 4:01 am

They’re like kids–usually just want attention so a, “hey, knock it off,” will work.

Most of the time. Sometimes they just wanna dick around.

Tina December 21, 2012 at 4:05 am

This is year eleven with Bob and his ornament tricks. Yup, you’re right, usually just takes one loud “stop this crap, Bob” and he quietly retreats for another year.

Bill G. December 18, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Once in a while I get called into work after-hours. I swear that place is haunted. The building that I work in was built literally during World War II, it has steam heat, and has an electrical system that was replaced in the 1960s. That place is scary as hell to be in alone on a Sunday night. The steam pipes are always thumping. They sound like somebody tapping on them with a hammer. About every 5 minutes, theres a loud metallic blang! as some electrical breaker switches over. I never hear this with during the day with people in the building, it’s weird.

Noa December 19, 2012 at 4:07 am

Buildings take on a whole life of their own after dark.

One of my favorite investigations was a music hall. We found some ridiculously crazy hauntings there–one particular person enjoyed regularly destroying cameras and equipment and shouting at my personnel. We caught so much other shit it was unreal. Shadows crossing doorways. Someone pulling things out of our pockets. Full-bodied apparitions that line up perfectly team-to-team without any communication to others (meaning we all saw the same man without knowing anyone else did). Someone opening and closing doors–and locking them. It was insane–never a dull moment in that place.

So I take this back to the guy who owns the building, and he looks dumbfounded at everything we found. Turns out, he was wanting to know why he heard music playing once a month or so when no one was there to play it. That’s it–that’s all he thought he had was one guy playing a piano on the third Tuesday of every month.

Tina December 21, 2012 at 4:21 am

Sounds like the ten years I worked nights in the hospital burn ward. So many ghosts, so many lost souls; many not ready to leave. I can’t even begin to tell the weird shit that went on. Suffice to say, there were many nurses that refused to work alone. TV’s turning on in empty rooms. Doors slamming shut. Showers and tubs running. Emergency call bells calling the desk from empty rooms. Lights turning off and on. One nurse swears she was pushed from behind so hard while walking down the hall, she almost tripped.

Considering the traumatic and untimely deaths that occurred on a rather regular basis, it really shouldn’t have shocked anyone how “busy” it was. And no, it wasn’t pranksters, our unit was totally locked down for security reasons.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=wqlrbkurmje March 24, 2014 at 8:43 am

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