Adrian offered to help me with the laundry this week.

Noa: So, if you could pull the clothes out of the dryer and just take them to the couch, that would help me a lot–HEY.
Adrian: *Shuts me in the Laundry Closet, with the lights off.*
Noa: Goddamnit, Adrian. It smells weird in here.
Adrian: Quiet, Anne. The Nazis will hear you.
Noa: Wait, what?
Adrian: Anne Frank, you have to be quiet if you want to stay in this house. Stop asking dumb questions and get to writing.
Noa: Are you seriously going to role play Anne Frank and the Nazis with me right now?
Adrian: HAMMERZEIT.
Noa: It is most certainly not Hammer Time. It is letting me out of the closet time.
Adrian: But if I let you out, I either get to have a passionate, star-crossed love affair with you or I have to take you away.
Noa: Remember how you’re Jewish, and this is probably horrible?
Adrian: …we can play Jesus and Mary Magdalene and the cave, if it would make you feel less sacriligous.
Noa: It wouldn’t.
Adrian: We could play hide the Shroud of Turin…
Noa: I hate you so much.

Later, I made him something nice.

Noa: So it’s called salt dough, and I learned about it on Pinterest. This one bitch made an impression of her house key, so I thought we could do that for your cars so when we sell them, you can still remember your babies later on. I also decided to make pawprint casts for the cats and for the dog, since I had extra.
Adrian:  That’s nice, thank you. Did you have any left over after all this?
Noa: A bit.
Adrian: What if we made a cast of our thumbprints or something like that…wait…is that a dick and balls?
Noa: Yes.
Adrian: Why?
Noa: That’s what I made out of the leftover salt dough.
Adrian: Still, why?
Noa: Why not? I’m going to put it in my office.
Adrian: Why does it have veins?
Noa: It’s also been circumcised.
Adrian: Noticed that, thank you. Again, WHY THE FUCK DO WE HAVE A WELL SCULPTED CLAY DICK DRYING ON OUR COUNTER?
Toby The Cat: *Walks up, sniffs it, and begins to lick it furiously.*
Noa: It’s a pussy eating a dick.
Adrian: I hate you so much.

Marriage.

Had a weird conversation lately? A craft or chore gone awry, much to the amusement of others?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Brandon S: “I was going to go take a shower. Then I watched sockpuppet theater. Now I’m afraid of my sock drawer and what the things in it are saying behind my back.” 
Mayor Gia December 10, 2012 at 7:12 am

Bahahahah cats. They have such good comedic timing.
Mayor Gia recently posted..And then DISASTER STRUCK

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:07 pm

My cats are so good at getting me in trouble hilariously.

Misty December 10, 2012 at 7:36 am

I think you can only play Anne Frank if you actually are Jewish. Otherwise, it’s just in bad taste. Carry on . . . .
Misty recently posted..Holiday Hoopla

Mandi December 10, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Bah. We have a new kitten that we haven’t bothered to tell my landlord about. We call it “Anne Franking.”
Mandi recently posted..WTF Friday: Letter to the Unwashed Undergrads

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:07 pm

Well then we’re in luck! I think?

Molly Dugger Brennan December 10, 2012 at 8:29 am

A fine example of the mutual respect necessary to sustain a marriage, and by respect I mean, crazy. Mutual crazy rocks!
Molly Dugger Brennan recently posted..Tough Crowd of One

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Mutual crazy is the largest sustaining factor in all relationships.

Winopants December 10, 2012 at 12:55 pm

I think you know you’re right for one another, when it’s OK to have these perfectly insane conversations… I was looking back at some notes in my phone (which I’d punched in to not forget about just such whacked interactions) from my last trip with the BF, and they read: MLF milf, shit on my face, butt crack, rose, 15% hobbits and ass smoking.
Ah, love.
Winopants recently posted..My First Very Own Ghost Story

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Ain’t it grand?

Utterphaylia December 10, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Hubby: Hon?
Me: Yes?
Hubby: Can you come here and take a look at something for me?
Me: Sure
Hubby: I think I have a pimple…
Me: Oh?
Hubby: On my taint
Me:…
Hubby: Can you pop it for me?
Me:…

Brandon S December 10, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Is it completely wrong that I love that it’s actually appropriate for “Taint” to be muttered on this site? I tried using taint in a Yelp review and was flagged for inappropriate content.
Brandon S recently posted..A Call for 2013 – We Want You!

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:10 pm

NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE.

Like shitting with the door open, taint zits are a private matter. I hope you smacked him for just suggesting it.

Utterphaylia December 15, 2012 at 1:00 am

It was probably the most pathetic I had ever seen him. Imagine the eyes of Puss in Boots. On a man. On his back with his legs up in the air as if in some invisible gyno stirrups. I was speechless. I had to back away and reflect on my life…how I got to this point…if this is what rock bottom feels like…

On a related note – apparently there is a scene very similar to this in the new Apatow movie (This is 40?)

Valerie December 10, 2012 at 1:26 pm

It’s like the most epic game of rock paper scissors… But pussy wins every time.

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..Monday is a Jerk Who Wants to Steal my Lunch Money

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:11 pm

So much better than the stupid big bang theory one.

Banana Stickers December 10, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Did anyone else immediately picture nazis in MC Hammer pants doing the running man when they read “HAMMERZEIT”? I did and it was hilarious. Or awful. Either one.
In a related topic, most of my conversations are weird because I am a very strange person and it shows almost every time I open my mouth.
Banana Stickers recently posted..Kiestering Bowling Balls and Ponytails. Alternate title, “Please Help Us Name Our Cat”

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Adrian likes to do that dance while yelling Hammerzeit while I’m on videocalls. Last month, my editor got a big surprise.

Jen December 10, 2012 at 5:34 pm

I did Nazi this one coming. Anne Frankly, I’m Fuhrer-ious that I didn’t think of it first. Aaaaaand, I’ll see you in Hell.

Banana Stickers December 10, 2012 at 10:57 pm

I think I just fell in liebe with you.
Banana Stickers recently posted..Kiestering Bowling Balls and Ponytails. Alternate title, “Please Help Us Name Our Cat”

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:13 pm

marry me.

Abby December 10, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Don’t be fooled. He’s only playing the “Anne Frank/Jewish” card because it’s Hanukkah and he wants presents and holiday sex.
Abby recently posted..Take Notes, Hollywood

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:14 pm

What’s the sexy soundtrack for this one, exactly?

Luvvie December 10, 2012 at 7:10 pm

*DEAD* You are both awesomely insane and I love it.
Luvvie recently posted..From Atlanta to Anguilla: RHOA Episode 6 Recap

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Insane, yes. Awesome? Yes again.

nadine December 10, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Weird conversation recently about how our first cat Little Guy doesn’t like the new cat we adopted because he won’t give him rim jobs. My cat is trying so hard to get his butt licked.
nadine recently posted..When you think Dildo Party, you think of me.

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:26 pm

This is insane.

I love it.

Mandi December 10, 2012 at 9:28 pm

This one is compliments of my husband, just now.

I was wrapping his stocking stuffers in the wrapping paper that our kitten spent an hour gnawing her way out of because dumbass thought it was cute. He walked out of the shower wearing socks and a tshirt with no boxers and his junk hanging out while I was finishing up.

“Because you did a half ass job of keeping the cat out of the wrapping paper, I did a half ass job of wrapping your presents.” *Looking up to find his swinging meat mallet directly in my face* “Also, feel free to make your Christmas gift to me no more gratuitous wang in the living room.”
“No deal. I’m all about gratuity and I plan on giving you the full tip.”
Mandi recently posted..WTF Friday: Letter to the Unwashed Undergrads

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Almost shit my pants reading this.

Jenbug December 10, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Holy hell, do I ever have stories of crafts gone crazy. And not in the “you’re gonna see boobies” way, the “oh, fuck, this glitter is scratching my cornea! It burns! It burns!” way. I just made our Christmas cards this weekend and I’m still finding the herpes of the craft world in my nether regions. I did not make my cards nekkid. I have no idea how glitter got all the way down there.

Brandon S December 10, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Random story – friend was having her bachelorette party (which as a side note, my partner and I are ALWAYS asked to pick out the stripper. Seems we gays have a pretty good grasp on that situation…) and one of her invitees brought her then 3 month old son in the little toddler seat (son had to be scarred for life seeing a dick that big ….. ). Long story short, the room was covered with confetti shaped like penises (peni?). Months after the party she continued to complain that she was still picking penis confetti out of her son’s carrier.
Brandon S recently posted..A Call for 2013 – We Want You!

Jenbug December 19, 2012 at 9:53 am

Well, at least the kid has something to aspire to: either having a large, glittery penis or being a stripper. Either way? Bonus!
Jenbug recently posted..Harm Reduction

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:28 pm

Ever find glitter on someone else that you realize was probably yours from days ago?

Just me? Cool.

Jenbug December 19, 2012 at 9:55 am

Ever have one of those shirts with glitter crap on it, wash it with your husband’s stuff, and see glitter/sequins/sparkles on his underwear, fold them, and put them in his drawer anyway and then have him freak the fuck out because you’ve accidentally chick-i-fied his junk covers? Me neither.
Jenbug recently posted..Harm Reduction

mandi December 10, 2012 at 10:36 pm

(sitting on the stoop of my building, “people” watching in NJ)
Mandi: sweats tucked into uggs is not fashion… I don’t get the whole poofy hair thing… What is with lip liner and sweat pants? Oh my god… I’m a bitch!
Amee: you’re not a bitch, you’re just judging hardcore
Mandi: I’m not judging, I’m noticing.

Or
(tonight, while digging up 15 year old photos)
Jill:it could have been worse
Mandi: I had poster board petals on my head and a leaf ascot… It couldn’t have been worse.
Jill: point taken.
Mandi: I’m currently rocking flannel panda pants and grown up me doesn’t give a single shit
Jill: one sock has a hot dog, the other a cupcake. We know how live.

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:28 pm

A LEAF ASCOT?

Died.

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