Texts From Old Bored White Ladies Last Night Are Not As Fun

12/02/2012 · 51 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, I'm A Terrible Person, Social Services, What Is Wrong With Me

I got drunk on Friday and went to Michaels.

Let me try again with that statement so I don’t sound quite so white-wine drunk assbag. I did not start out the day thinking, “I’m gonna get super fucked up and then glitter some shit,” like a damn queen. I finally had a day off, so I went to lunch with Adrian. I found out that it was happy hour. I found out that the happy hour was ridiculously cheap. I found Gin and Jesus.

Half an hour later I was fu-cking soused.

I was giggling and joking and being a general embarrassment to society when Adrian finally saw fit to ask me, “Don’t you have errands to still do today?” Thanks, Señor Responsibility, for bringing the whiskey train to a shuddering halt.

He was right. I still did have errands to run, which is why we were out in the first place. He offered to drive me around to spend a little time together, and I got drunk. You know, like good wives do. And of course, I had backed myself into a corner by this point on the time constraints. This was the last possible day for me to get these particular errands done.

So, to Michael’s we went. He, being embarrassed enough of me at this point, made the potentially unwise decision to let me go it alone in a craft store, which is white lady heaven while sober, and is white lady ecstasy when drunk.

It’s a completely different world to shop at Michael’s while shithoused.

The bitch fog is thick and black, no longer invisibly ominous. From the minute you walk in to a craft store, you are being judged, but you never really notice it through your machete-driven journey through floral. Their boredom has driven them to judge anything that isn’t also covered in faux-alligator and Liz Claiborne, and I didn’t stand a chance standing there amongst the baskets, stumbling. Drunk, you are hyper-aware that everyone in the store is better than you–and they know it. Fuck your needlework, you’re not a real crafter until you scrapbook. Fuck your cake decorating, you’re not real until you sew. Fuck your hoodie and slight essence of joy, you’re not real until you’re in a twinset and caked with passive-aggression. If you’re not a minority and you want to feel what it’s like to be in a building where everyone fucking hates you for no real or discernible reason, get slammed and go to a craft store. You will come out a Democrat.

Drunk-bravery takes a great leap forward in a craft store as well. Drunk-brave and Pinterest-brave are frighteningly delusional in their own rights, but put those together, and then you know the predicament I was in. Not only was I crafty and Pinteresty enough to think I could craft many things, but I was drunk enough to know, for sure, that no matter what I wanted to make, it would be a masterpiece. Ball gown? You bet. Hand-painted dollhouse? Fuck off, I got this. Elaborate tapestry? LIGHT ME UP, BITCHES. I knew I was in trouble when I was mesmerized by a huge display of pipe cleaners for more than a couple of minutes. I knew it was a couple of minutes because I was on the phone with my sister at the time and had gone silent in awe like Jesus himself was shilling those fuzzy beacons of peace, and she had to shout at me to get me to realize that I had just decided to not speak in the face of joy.

I walked out with several yards of rhinestones, a 150-piece pack of embroidery floss, and many yards of needlework fabric–none of which were what I actually needed. I’m not sure, sober now, what I intended to do with this. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do with pile of nonsense this now that this drunk crafting realness has presented itself to me. I made some poor decisions. I learned somethings about the world and myself. I came out of blackout in the checkout of a craft store, clutching a bundle of fake acorns–not my proudest moment.

Someone’s going to have a Merry Goddamn Christmas though, I can tell you that.

Ever seen a regular place through a new lens? Was that lens also Maker’s Mark? Or have you ever been drunk in a really, really odd place?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Jen: “Much like yourself, Noa, ‘Vanilla’ reminds me of myself 20 years ago. I AM YOUR CAUTIONARY TALE, BITCHES!!!” 
Mayor Gia December 2, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Haaa! I love being drunk in random places. Does that sound too alchie of me? Wompwomp. I love wine. Hush.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Holiday Shopping

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Did you comment drunk?

Jen December 2, 2012 at 11:16 pm

I MIGHT have attended my daughter’s first egg hunt still drunk from the night before. It wasn’t intentional at all. My friend from Bulgaria had come over the night before and we were having a couple of drinks. Never try to keep up with a Bulgarian when drinking vodka….you will end up totally shitfaced with the room spinning around you.

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Those fucking Eastern Europeans will fuck your shit up!

winopants December 3, 2012 at 3:00 am

One of my first days wine buying I tried taking little sips instead of spitting. Well my misplaced sense of lady decorum ended up getting me a little tossed. At work. This is a small area, people talk; I was so embarrassed. Im now proud to say I’m an excellent spitter.
winopants recently posted..Seven Mostly Useful Christmas Gag Gift Ideas

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:21 pm

So many jokes here. So many.

Mandi December 3, 2012 at 7:08 am

Drunk or high on jewelry glue is where I do my best work! Except bath bombs. Last time I tried to do that shit drunk, I added too much of something and the next time I dropped a bath bomb into the tub, it shot out of the water and smacked me in the face.

Also, scrapbooking annoys the bejeezus out of me. If you need pretty stickers and cricuts and unicorn borders to jazz up your photos, then stop taking pictures of lame shit.
Mandi recently posted..WTF Friday: Letter to the Unwashed Undergrads

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:25 pm

I once wrote a post here after I took a lot of Vicodin for shoulder pain. It’s the only post that ever went viral.

This is a dangerous fact for me to know.

Misty December 3, 2012 at 7:52 am

I blame Adrian. He should have known better than to let you go in that store by yourself all drunk like that. Wait, I take that back . . . he knows better not to go in with you and VIDEO that shit. He missed a real opportunity there, and subsequently, denied us of the hilarity we would have experienced upon viewing. So, I will revert to my initial statement. Damn you, Adrian!!
Misty recently posted..The First Rule of Ninja Club . . .

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:26 pm

RIGHT? Why the fuck did he do that?

HeatherRose December 3, 2012 at 8:27 am

Does getting drunk on a Thursday night and watching Doomsday Preppers count? I almost had to be physically restrained from ordering 50lbs of pre-packaged freeze-dried food. And I *may* be in the process of purchasing a new handgun. You know, just in case we get hit with a dirty bomb while volcanoes are erupting and a series of F5 tornadoes is ripping through town and then the economic collapse happens and I have to defend my home from invader zombies.
HeatherRose recently posted..Doomsday preppers

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:27 pm

YES. HOLY SHIT DOOMSDAY PREPPERS.

I have several 72-hour kits in my house thanks to drunken prepper watching.

Sarah December 3, 2012 at 9:22 am

Do you know how much you’ve made me want to try this next weekend?

The only ay the judgement in the craft store could get any better is if you went to Hobby Lobby (closed on Sundays so we can worship the Lord with our families)!
Sarah recently posted..Authenticity

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Conveniently closed along with every fucking liquor store before noon. Bastards.

natalie December 3, 2012 at 9:38 am

NYC brunch as taken this, “drunkenly stumbling through retail stores in broad daylight,” all tooooooo real for me lately.
natalie recently posted..Shit hits a little too close to home…like fo real.

nadine December 3, 2012 at 3:21 pm

I got brunch-drunk and wandered into many things. I ate went and ate cupcakes and I found myself in the middle of the feast of San Genaro. It was pretty fun and disorienting.

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:28 pm

Brunch is a lie. You can drink with breakfast if you want without calling it a silly name.

Dana the Biped December 3, 2012 at 12:04 pm

I went to a baby shower hungover this weekend. In retrospect–I’d do it again.
Dana the Biped recently posted..This is a Public Service Announcement (Poor Babies)

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Hungover? Do it drunk next time–a lot more fun.

Jessica December 3, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I once went to the zoo drunk off my ass. We brought a cooler of long islands. Sitting and staring at the penguins was totally different drunk.

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:30 pm

In Ft. Worth every year they do Beastro, where you pay like $90 and get all the booze and gourmet food you want while walking around in the dark looking at all the animals.

It’s worth every single penny.

Jen December 3, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I got snot-flying drunk with my post-college boyfriend one time and snuck into where he worked to have sex on his chair. Did I mention that I used to date Steve from “Blue’s Clues”? Yeah, that ‘Thinking Chair’ is good for more than just thinking, bitches!
Jen recently posted..I’d Rather Laugh With the Sinners than…well, shit. I Don’t Know Any Goddamned Saints…

Von December 3, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Jen, what’s up with your blog? Blogger keeps telling me it has been removed. Are you mad at me?

Jen December 4, 2012 at 12:15 am

Had to shut down my blog or risk being fired. Can’t really go into details at this time. :(

TheChickisRight December 4, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Boo! I was totally panicked and worried! I hope all is well – or at least ends up ok!

Kathleen December 4, 2012 at 10:54 pm

That super sucks! I loved reading your blog. I especially enjoyed your writing style. It was like reading installments of a first-person novel. I hope everything works out ok for you!

NATurally Inappropriate December 4, 2012 at 9:12 am

I totally have to fucking know if you really did date Steve from Blue’s Clues.
NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..Chick Chat: Renovations!!

Jen December 4, 2012 at 10:01 am

Dude, why would anyone lie about that. It’s not exactly one of my prouder moments.

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Every time I see a .gif of him, I get a little creeped out now.

Molly Dugger Brennan December 3, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Okay, if none of your purchases make sense to you now that you’re sober I think it’s clearly time to get snoot-faced again and figure it all out. Enlightenment comes in a shot glass.
Molly Dugger Brennan recently posted..Tough Crowd of One

Bill G. December 3, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Genius!

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:32 pm

All I needed was the go-ahead.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd December 3, 2012 at 3:18 pm

My niece once got a really nice Easter basket full of stuff after the “Easter Bunny” wandered into a Target after having a very large drink at dinner.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Super Friends: Season 2, Episode 8 – “River of Doom”

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:33 pm

I would bankrupt myself getting drunk at target.

Bill G. December 3, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Here’s one from college. Like most college students, I worked a ton of shitty, shifty, transient-type jobs. Like a typical college town, the job-market sucks when you have to compete with 23,000 other college motherfuckers for 10,000 shitty entry-level jobs because, if you were reasonably employable, you probably wouldn’t be in fucking college.

I worked a half-time job that involved forming and cutting plastic parts 5-11 PM. Even more baffling, my boss let me have a key to the building, let me work alone, and trusted me to lock up at night after working there a week. The job also required me to operate a forklift without 5 seconds of training (my training was: “The keys are hanging on that peg.”). I can’t even imagine how many laws were being broken here. I think he was trying to have me killed in an industrial accident and collect insurance money, that’s the only explanation.

I had a 12-pack of beer in my car because it was Friday night, my shift ends at 11:00, and I didn’t want to spend a bunch of time shopping after-shift for beer, snack-food, a rented movie, and any other makings of a drunken evening. Halfway through my shift, I decided to pop one of those beers. What a radically intelligent decision considering that I’m operating machinery that forms plastic parts by placing them in molds and injecting them with ethylene glycol (yes, anti-freeze) that is hot enough to cook french fries. Then I have to cut them with a power-saw that can lop off fingers in the blink of an eye.

I can’t speak for everybody, but when I haven’t eaten in 10 hours, it’s hot (summer night in an industrial facility that is not air-conditioned), and I’m dehydrated, I have the alcohol tolerance of a 12 year old girl. Six beers in, I was completely shit-ass sloppy drunk. Unbelievable stupidity or being suicidal? You make the call.

That’s when one of the owners walks in for a surprise visit. His relatives were in town and he wanted to show them the business operation that he and his brother built from scratch. At least I had the presence of mind to keep my open beer behind a stack of boxes where nobody would see it and I was throwing my empties in the dumpster that is 6 feet out of a side door.

I hazily remember talking to him. He asked me if I was OK and I told him that I had a full day of school, it’s hot, I didn’t eat dinner, and I didn’t sleep well the night before. I told him the truth-except for the fact that I was drunker than shit. But he had to know. I vaguely remember him telling me to stop the machines for awhile, drink some water, and stand directly in front of the industrial fan to cool off for a bit (or, if my car has A/C, go sit in there for awhile). Then he left with the family in tow. I did what he said and figured that he or his brother would be back around in 5 minutes to fire me, probably with the cops in tow to arrest my ass. Even if I was convincing in my sob-stories about being hot, tired, dehydrated, and all that shit, I had to stink like a brewery running overtime. This dude must have zero sense of smell and be used to people that look like shit. Even if he was, somebody among his 5 goddamn family members has gotta know that I’m drunk as a sailor on his first night in Spain.

The firing and/or arrest didn’t happen, don’t ask me how. I was riding with the angels that night. After drinking enough water to drown a buffalo (and pissing every 5 minutes) and keeping my heart rate up by thinking about cops and getting fired, I was pretty much sober by end-of-shift. Fucking christ, I did a lot of thinking about that orgy of self-destruction. I’ve done errands drunk, I’ve done movies drunk, I’ve gone to weddings drunk, but I’ve never gone to work drunk again. Once is too many times.

What’s really fucked up: that night, I filled more boxes of plastic parts than I ever did any other night. (I made minimum wage plus $1.00 for every box that I filled with plastic parts, that’s how the boss motivated us to work.)

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:35 pm

I work from home.

I drunk work all the time. And it’s a right I’ll never take for granted again.

Valerie December 3, 2012 at 9:28 pm

I love drunk shopping… Until I wake up the next day and wonder why Drunk Valerie thought it would be an awesome idea to spend $150 on toilet paper and Elmer’s glue…

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..This is how I get through the workday without killing anyone…

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Because of pinata crafting, Valerie!

Jaime December 3, 2012 at 9:52 pm

I wish I had some awesomesauce drunk stories…. sadly all the stupid fucking ridiculous shit I’ve done… I’ve done while completely stone fucking sober.

yes.. I’m just that awesome.
Jaime recently posted..blog fodder ftw

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:37 pm

I drink to have an excuse why I act this way. It takes a bit to get me really drunk, so the whiskey is just a scapegoat.

Abby December 4, 2012 at 8:15 am

The only time I’ve been drunk somewhere you aren’t supposed to be drunk at was when my mother and I happened upon a new winery. It had delicious food and cherry wine which we consumed two bottles of in about a half hour. Then went shopping at a store where no item cost less than $150 dollars. The saleswoman was quite nervous.
Abby recently posted..To my father, purveyor of the Old Man Dance

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:37 pm

That’s how I got kicked out of a Buy Buy Baby!

NATurally Inappropriate December 4, 2012 at 9:12 am

I love glitter. I love glittering shit even more.
NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..Chick Chat: Renovations!!

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:39 pm

It’s like crack for me–if I don’t have it, I don’t need it.

I regret that last statement.

The Six-Fingered Monkey December 4, 2012 at 9:13 am

I am so fucking embarrassed to admit this… BUT… I too have shopped at Michaels, while drunk, not once… not twice… but THREE times. The drunk part isn’t embarrassing but, really, the fact that I have found myself at Michaels THREE TIMES. Personally, I think being drunk is the ONLY way to shop at Michaels because, lets be honest, “I’m gonna get super fucked up and then glitter some shit,” is the coolest thing anyone can ever declare.
The Six-Fingered Monkey recently posted..Sometimes, it’s best to just stay home.

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:39 pm

I love you.

Erica December 4, 2012 at 12:08 pm

There’s a simple solution to this. Get re-soused and go to tinker town while randomly cackling to yourself, “yeeeehaaaa mutha fuckas!” I look forward to seeing your nuts.
Erica recently posted..Caption This

Noa December 13, 2012 at 8:40 pm

When I find them again, me too.

Emma December 5, 2012 at 12:08 am

Hello all – I am completely off topic but I either found this blog via Jen’s blog portlandiamom or I found hers via yours – anyway I love them both. I never comment just quietly stalk you. Today I tried to log on to Jen’s blog and it is coming up blog removed. Hoping this is a problem my end and not the disappearence of Jen. Does anyone know anything?

Emma December 5, 2012 at 12:09 am

Sorry me again – should have read the comments above before asking – Come back soon Jen.

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