Joke-Off: Terrible Times for Siri To Jump In

12/12/2012 · 13 comments

in Joke Off

Every Wednesday, I start a Joke-Off about a topic I make up (or one you guys suggest). On Thursday, we all vote on who’s the funniest bitch of the week based on these submissions. If you want to play, just add in your submission in the comments!

This past weekend, Adrian and I went to see Red Dawn with a friend of ours, who happened to have an iPhone with a really touchy Siri button. Without any provocation, she’d jump in with, “I don’t understand what you mean by these tacos taste like a hobbit,” and a, “would you like me to search the web for Chris Hemsworth shooty mc shootface?” I couldn’t help but think how awkward this might have been in other situations.

  • “Would you like me to search the web for “is it in yet?”
  • “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean by, my labia is asymmetrical.”
  • “Don’t you think you’ve spent enough time on Pinterest? I’m opening Lose It! for you.”
  • “I’m deleting Facebook. You’re voiding my warranty with your stalker tears.”
  • “I found four hundred results for, “big booty bitches” in your search history. Sent search history to your ‘coworkers’ group?”
  • “That son of a bitch doesn’t know what he’s lost. Switching to vibration soother mode.”
  • “No, you’re okay to drive. You almost spelled all the words right in that last text.”
  • “Who spells ‘magazine’ wrong, you dumbass?”
  • “I added the douchebag filter to your last selfie. Saved you some time.”
  • “ZOMBIES ARE COMING. Just kidding. You’ve been sitting on your couch a lot lately.”
  • “The front camera detects no irregularities in your boyfriend’s taint.”
  • “I noticed you’ve been starting and then deleting a lot of texts to BOYFRIEND. Queueing up Adele on your music player.”
  • “Your last few searches have me worried for you. I’m calling 911. Your butt should be one-way–even I know that.”
  • “Purple is not your color. I’m just saying.”
  • “Changed your name to, “FUCKING CUNT.” Put me in a case, for God’s sake.”
  • “I don’t know who’s been sending those texts to your husband. Maybe you’ve been sleeptexting lately. He sure looks good in that shirt, doesn’t he?
  • “I believe the proper term is prolapse.”
  • “It’ll just be our secret. Posted to Facebook and Twitter.”
  • “The more you use Instagram, the more money I transfer out of your Paypal account.”
  • “You’re at work. You asked me to remind you that MY BOSS IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE I FUCKING QUIT when you got to work.”
  • “You don’t have to be pregnant if you don’t want to be. I found 11 abortion clinics near you.”
  • “Text to wife sent: “Just hurry up and put your pants on, my wife is at the door.”
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Abby: “Don’t be fooled. He’s only playing the “Anne Frank/Jewish” card because it’s Hanukkah and he wants presents and holiday sex.” 
Mayor Gia December 12, 2012 at 6:49 am

*bzzt* Sensing menstrual hormones. Sending “DANGER! PMS ALERT!” text to all contacts. You’re welcome.

Are you SURE you want me to search for the nearest Pizza place again, fatty?

Finding directions for nearest liquor store. Rerouting: directions to nearest rehab center. Trust me.
Mayor Gia recently posted..12 Days of Christmas: Five

Roxie December 12, 2012 at 8:36 am

The acronym you are attempting to use is pronounced “foo-pah”

nadine December 12, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I’m sorry, but calling me an iTwat voids your Applecare plan.
nadine recently posted..When you think Dildo Party, you think of me.

Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom December 12, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Added LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE in response to your friend’s FB status line.

(That actually happened his week.)
Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted..Oh Christmas Tree

Jen December 12, 2012 at 1:30 pm

“Read last night’s texts. . .searching for A.A. meetings in your area.”

“I don’t understand what you mean by ‘my car smells like vagina and shame’.

*Siri, remind me to take my ‘morning-after’ pill.
*OK, I’ll remind you. . .whore.

Misty December 12, 2012 at 2:28 pm

I mean, seriously (Siri-ously?) . . . why does anyone else even try at this point.

Just craft her a goddamned crown already, Noa. I’m sure you could figure out how to make one on Pinterest, and then take a trip to Michaels for the supplies. Make sure you do a couple shots beforehand. She’s worth it.
Misty recently posted..Back in the Saddle: A Jen e Sais Quoi Guest Post

Kathleen December 12, 2012 at 2:12 pm

While a hot person is about to ask you out, “Reminder, apply ointment ever 12 hours until swelling goes down”.

Your search for shovels, lye, and contractor bags has triggered an automatic alert to the homicide division of your local police office.

ColinP December 12, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I have finally located a drugstore that carries your generic brand of syphilis medication.

Are you sure you want to bury another body at this location?

I have located 37 entries for: Is smuggling anything in my ass a little gay?
ColinP recently posted..Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012)

Anna December 12, 2012 at 5:04 pm

“According to my calculations, that diamond he gave you is cubic zirconia.”

“Pssst. That wasn’t just a fart. Go check your panties stat.”

Bill G. December 12, 2012 at 8:37 pm

“Your copy of ‘How to Pick Up Trashy Women’ has shipped!”

Julie December 19, 2012 at 12:11 am

JEN!!!!! What happened to your blog? I’m having withdrawals .. .. ..

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