Joke-Off: Fucked-Up Birth Announcements

12/05/2012 · 19 comments

in Joke Off

Every Wednesday, I start a Joke-Off about a topic I make up (or one you guys suggest). On Thursday, we all vote on who’s the funniest bitch of the week based on these submissions. If you want to play, just add in your submission in the comments!

Almost everyone is happy when a baby is born. They get all jazzed and clog your feed and send out birth announcements so that everyone knows, “HEY, THIS CAME OUT OF MY VAGINA AND FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, I’M ACTUALLY PRETTY EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING THAT CAME OUTTA THERE.”

But what if they weren’t all that excited?

  • Polaroid and a stamp with no writing or context
  • Fuzzy photo from a 2005 Motorola Razr on Facebook
  • Carrier pigeon who also carries Avian Flu
  • Message illegibly written on free postcard from the hospital gift shop
  • Text message when the baby is four
  • Hanukkah 1997 card repurposed
  • A dollar bill mailed with the inscription “as long as I’m throwing away money now.”
  • Written on a cake made with breastmilk
  • Barbershop Quartet
  • Birth video sent with the least graphic parts edited out
  • A photo of your post-birth vagina with “This is now my reality,” written on your labia
  • With a placenta smoothie-making pack
  • Written on the placenta
  • Written on someone else’s placenta
  • A Facebook Event
  • Written with the baby’s first creepy-looking poop
  • Log of how many hours you are sleeping versus what that total was a week before the birth
  • Rock thrown through your window with “BABY” in sharpie written on the back
  • Novelty photo of you birthing an Elf On The Shelf
  • Emailed scan of the birth certificate
  • A meme
  • Photo of the baby’s head hanging from you with the tagline, “Guess who popped in to hang out?”
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Jen: “I got snot-flying drunk with my post-college boyfriend one time and snuck into where he worked to have sex on his chair. Did I mention that I used to date Steve from “Blue’s Clues”? Yeah, that ‘Thinking Chair’ is good for more than just thinking, bitches!” 
Dana December 5, 2012 at 2:34 am

Photo of the baby with “LOOK WHO’S SINGLE!” over top and profile on the back like a pimptastic baseball card.
Dana recently posted..Photo

SarcasticNinja December 5, 2012 at 4:19 am

“NEVER FORGET” written on vending machine condoms.
Card stock infused with the scent of used baby wipes.
SarcasticNinja recently posted..Military History: A Child’s Guide

Mayor Gia December 5, 2012 at 6:47 am

Putting a blanket over the baby and dangling it out the hospital window for all to see.

Sending tiny baby coffins to your friends and family. When they open it, a sign that says “JK IT’S STILL ALIVE” pops up.
Mayor Gia recently posted..How to Open a Bottle of Wine

Misty December 5, 2012 at 7:29 am

Dead Rabbit in a Saucepan.

Empty bottle of Jack Daniels with a note inside, “this is what caused this shit!”

Picture of kid holding scissors and sitting next to an electrical outlet with sharpie writing across it “Babysitter Needed!”
Misty recently posted..Jen e Sais Quoi: An Explanation

Haley December 5, 2012 at 9:15 am

A photo of the husband and wife eating the placenta like Lady and the Tramp that says “Paula ain’t got nothin’ on us!”
Haley recently posted..September is the pits.

TheChickIsRight December 5, 2012 at 10:19 am

This made me laugh… and vomit a little in my mouth at the mental image…

Jaclyn December 5, 2012 at 10:07 am

An online poll: “Switched at the hospital? Yes or No- Because this kid is WAY too ugly to be mine”
Jaclyn recently posted..Hop on Pop

Kathleen December 5, 2012 at 10:44 am

A t-shirt that says, “My husband went to his happy place and all I got was this stupid baby.”

A message in a bottle

A vial and a syringe with this announcement: Congratulations! You MIGHT have just become a baby daddy.

Dana the Biped December 5, 2012 at 11:57 am

A photo of the baby with a bow on its head. Caption: “Is this regiftable?”

“The most un4gettable prom EVAR!”

Anything written on the back of a bar tab.

Announcement with a link to the illegal Craigslist ad.
Dana the Biped recently posted..This is a Public Service Announcement (Poor Babies)

Anna December 5, 2012 at 1:23 pm

New family pic with all three in a crib: mom, dad and baby wearing nothing but diapers. Everyone crying. Caption: “Guess who’s poopy?”

Jen December 5, 2012 at 6:16 pm

*YouTube video of birth set to Psy’s “Gangnam Style”

*Baby’s name written on back of application for “Teen Mom 3″ (bonus points if child is named ‘Nevaeh’ or ‘Braxton’)

* Vaginal “Duck Face” photo taken in bathroom mirror with cellphone

Laura December 5, 2012 at 7:38 pm

A picture of the baby in a cardboard box with “Free to a good home!” written on the side

Courtney December 5, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Picture of baby wrapped in a Christmas bow, “Dear Santa, this present sucks. All it does is shit and cry. I didn’t like Baby Alive when I was a kid in the eighties and I hate the real-life version more.”

Zena Zee December 5, 2012 at 9:31 pm

While not humorous, my father announced my birth by passing out chocolate bars with my name on the wrapper.

It took everyone a while to get it, so now they associate me with their own stupidity and digging through the trashcan to find the wrapper.
Zena Zee recently posted..Nothing Says Redneck Like a Camo Dress

Bill G. December 5, 2012 at 10:27 pm

A photo of the baby halfway out with the caption: “Crazy things always happen when I’m drunk!”

Leauxra December 5, 2012 at 10:35 pm

A note that says, “You will never know love until you have a baby.”

Thanks, bitch.
Leauxra recently posted..Shut Up, Mouth!

Lianne Marie Mease December 6, 2012 at 1:44 am

I’ve been asked to live tweet through my birth so this is giving me BRILLIANT ideas!
Lianne Marie Mease recently posted..Apple, Fennel & Mozzarella salad

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