Joke-Off: Celebrity Christmas Lists

12/19/2012 · 17 comments

in Joke Off

Every Wednesday, I start a Joke-Off about a topic I make up (or one you guys suggest). On Thursday, we all vote on who’s the funniest bitch of the week based on these submissions. If you want to play, just add in your submission in the comments!

Who’s heard this song?

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I fucking hate it.

My Grown-Up Christmas List is weird. Its title gives it a creepy childlike whimsy and it’s also the dumbest piece of shit song this side of Chris Brown. It’s the musical and also holiday equivalent of a beauty pageant contestant answering, “World Peace,” to the old, “What would you do for the world.” Fuck you. It’s masturbatory and saccharine and I hate everything nice because my heart is black. It’s a Live Aid concert that helps no one.

Because they keep propagating stupid bullshit like this song, let’s fuck with some celebrities, shall we?

  • Ryan Gosling wishes for Bradley Cooper.
  • Bradley Cooper wishes for Rahm Emanuel
  • Charlie Brown wishes for a sock full of oranges for Lucy
  • Legolas wishes for his dad to not be such a dick, GOSH
  • Miley Cyrus wishes for her childhood again
  • Nicholas Cage wishes for the time when he was considered a box-office draw for non-ironic reasons
  • PSY wishes for everyone to just Gangnam and forget his anti-US sentiments for a while because he didn’t mean that shit, okay?
  • Winston Churchill wishes for the Keep Calm posters to burn in a fiery Hell
  • Michelle Obama wishes for The Rock Obama
  • Princess Leia wishes for Disney to make her part of the Princess Line-Up because for fuck’s sake, don’t we need a badass princess for once?
  • Kate Middleton wishes for less press coverage about her vagina
  • Virgin Mary wishes for more press coverage about her vagina
  • Maggie Gyllenhaal wishes for her face from Donnie Darko
  • Thor wishes to learn to french braid.
  • Taylor Swift wishes for a cake make of rainbows and hugs and for everyone to get along just like we did in middle school
  • Christopher Walken wishes for a pair of wool socks
  • Wesley Crusher wishes for some more inexplicable sweaters
  • Levar Burton wishes you would take the banana clip off your eyes because you’re going to fall down the stairs and kill yourself that way
  • Nicki Minaj wishes for the talent she replaces with being belligerent
  • John Boehner wishes for a new last name
  • Honey Boo Boo’s mom wishes for an Applebee’s sampler platter
  • Ann Coulter wishes she were relevant outside of mongering indignation
  • Kanye West wishes for Kanye East
  • Yoko Ono wishes for a moon made of milk to feed the souls of the sleepy children
  • Cher wishes for a ghost tweeter
  • Clint Eastwood wishes for something…shit…was what it again. Son of a bitch. I don’t fucking remember.
  • Mel Gibson wishes to be Braveheart-famous again
  • Batman wishes for an end to throat cancers
  • Harry Potter wishes for some wizard therapists. Seriously, he would be so messed up you guys. PTSD like fucking whoa
  • Captain Picard wishes for a doily
  • Zooey Deschanel wishes for 1953
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana The Biped: “Huh. Aural sex, huh? Glad to hear I have a chance for some hanky-panky on the Other Side, at least. Actually, that fact that I call it “hanky-panky” is probably why I’m not getting any on This Side. Damnit.”

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