Joke-Off: Celebrity Christmas Lists

12/19/2012 · 17 comments

in Joke Off

Every Wednesday, I start a Joke-Off about a topic I make up (or one you guys suggest). On Thursday, we all vote on who’s the funniest bitch of the week based on these submissions. If you want to play, just add in your submission in the comments!

Who’s heard this song?

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I fucking hate it.

My Grown-Up Christmas List is weird. Its title gives it a creepy childlike whimsy and it’s also the dumbest piece of shit song this side of Chris Brown. It’s the musical and also holiday equivalent of a beauty pageant contestant answering, “World Peace,” to the old, “What would you do for the world.” Fuck you. It’s masturbatory and saccharine and I hate everything nice because my heart is black. It’s a Live Aid concert that helps no one.

Because they keep propagating stupid bullshit like this song, let’s fuck with some celebrities, shall we?

  • Ryan Gosling wishes for Bradley Cooper.
  • Bradley Cooper wishes for Rahm Emanuel
  • Charlie Brown wishes for a sock full of oranges for Lucy
  • Legolas wishes for his dad to not be such a dick, GOSH
  • Miley Cyrus wishes for her childhood again
  • Nicholas Cage wishes for the time when he was considered a box-office draw for non-ironic reasons
  • PSY wishes for everyone to just Gangnam and forget his anti-US sentiments for a while because he didn’t mean that shit, okay?
  • Winston Churchill wishes for the Keep Calm posters to burn in a fiery Hell
  • Michelle Obama wishes for The Rock Obama
  • Princess Leia wishes for Disney to make her part of the Princess Line-Up because for fuck’s sake, don’t we need a badass princess for once?
  • Kate Middleton wishes for less press coverage about her vagina
  • Virgin Mary wishes for more press coverage about her vagina
  • Maggie Gyllenhaal wishes for her face from Donnie Darko
  • Thor wishes to learn to french braid.
  • Taylor Swift wishes for a cake make of rainbows and hugs and for everyone to get along just like we did in middle school
  • Christopher Walken wishes for a pair of wool socks
  • Wesley Crusher wishes for some more inexplicable sweaters
  • Levar Burton wishes you would take the banana clip off your eyes because you’re going to fall down the stairs and kill yourself that way
  • Nicki Minaj wishes for the talent she replaces with being belligerent
  • John Boehner wishes for a new last name
  • Honey Boo Boo’s mom wishes for an Applebee’s sampler platter
  • Ann Coulter wishes she were relevant outside of mongering indignation
  • Kanye West wishes for Kanye East
  • Yoko Ono wishes for a moon made of milk to feed the souls of the sleepy children
  • Cher wishes for a ghost tweeter
  • Clint Eastwood wishes for something…shit…was what it again. Son of a bitch. I don’t fucking remember.
  • Mel Gibson wishes to be Braveheart-famous again
  • Batman wishes for an end to throat cancers
  • Harry Potter wishes for some wizard therapists. Seriously, he would be so messed up you guys. PTSD like fucking whoa
  • Captain Picard wishes for a doily
  • Zooey Deschanel wishes for 1953
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana The Biped: “Huh. Aural sex, huh? Glad to hear I have a chance for some hanky-panky on the Other Side, at least. Actually, that fact that I call it “hanky-panky” is probably why I’m not getting any on This Side. Damnit.”
Mayor Gia December 19, 2012 at 6:52 am

Michele Bachmann wishes for a cure to gayness.
Gays wish for a cure for Michele Bachmann.
Mayor Gia recently posted..I Don’t Want to Say I’m a Hero But I’m Totally a Hero

Jen December 19, 2012 at 7:43 am

Paris Hilton wishes to change her last name to Kardashian so she can once again be the most relevant vacuous whore in America.

The country of Madagascar wishes to be famous for something other than those goddamned cartoon penguin movies and being the cockblocker in ‘Pandemic 2′.

Glen Coco wishes for four more Candygrams…and none for Gretchen Wieners. (You GO, Glen Coco!)

Jeremy Renner wishes for a 42 year old research scientist from Portland, Oregon with a student loan and a hoopty ride because its CHRISTMAS God damn it! It’s the time of miracles!!!!

Jenbug December 19, 2012 at 10:07 am

Guy Fieri wishes his penis was “flavor town”.
Chuck Norris wishes he could Chuck Norris his hair into growing again so he didn’t have to wear that jacked up toupee.
Jackie Chan wishes he was Chuck Norris.*
Natalie Portman wishes no one had taken pictures of her wearing her first communion dress as her wedding dress.
Tom Cruise wishes they sold robot women so he could have a new beard.
Deadmau5 wishes he’d really thought that whole Kat Von D thing through.
Kat Von D hopes she gets that Disney money as soon as she’s hitched to that stupid mouse.

Since we’re making wishes for people, I’m going to throw a couple in for myself:
I wish my husband would send out the fucking Christmas cards for once, since most of them go to his ungrateful ass family anyway.
I wish I was Chuck Norris so I could Chuck Norris Christmas season into oblivion.
(And I’m going to throw in an obligatory FUCK! just because I can, and because I can’t scream it out loud right now since I’m at work.)
Jenbug recently posted..Harm Reduction

Roxie December 19, 2012 at 10:11 am

Kristin Stewart wishes she was a real boy.

Sarah December 19, 2012 at 12:59 pm

I was thinking something very similar. Greta minds and all that jazz. I hope you win!
Sarah recently posted..A Plea for all Doctors out There… Subtitled: A Rant for Antibiotics

Laura December 19, 2012 at 11:06 am

Kristin Stewart wishes for facial expressions.

Brad Pitt wishes for a wife who doesn’t want kids.

Justin Bieber wishes that people will take his music seriously.

winopants December 19, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Richard Simmons wishes for 300 pairs of bedazzled short shorts
winopants recently posted..It’s Time to Party Like a Cyclone Vacuum

Misty December 19, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Pretty sure that wish was granted in like, 1987.
Misty recently posted..The War on Christmas: A Jen e Sais Quoi Guest Post

winopants December 19, 2012 at 2:49 pm

He needs mor! Sequins and rhinestones are the secret to his energy
winopants recently posted..It’s Time to Party Like a Cyclone Vacuum

winopants December 19, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Hoda and Kathie Lee wish to open a restaurant chain that specializes in brunch: poached eggs, undressed salad greens and fishbowl-sized glasses of Chardonnay
winopants recently posted..It’s Time to Party Like a Cyclone Vacuum

Kathleen December 19, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Justin Beiber wishes for hotter stalkers.

Joan Rivers wishes for a time machine, or a baseball bat to the knees of whoever jacked up her face like that.

President Obama wishes his stylist would make up his damn mind about the gray hair already.

Joe Biden wishes for a bigger mouth…or smaller feet.

Santa wishes the elves would STFU about Justin beibet

Dana the Biped December 19, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Joss Whedon wishes for the opportunity to kill more of your favorite characters.

Fox wishes Joss Whedon would kill himself. And take Firefly with him.

Steven Moffatt wishes you were afraid of EVERYTHING.

Book Neville wishes he looked like Movie Neville.

The Mayans want their calendar back.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Easy DIY Gift Bag Upgrade

Misty December 19, 2012 at 2:50 pm

James Dobson wants to blame everything on those damn homos.

Hermie wants to pull out all of your teeth.

Beiber wants his fans to stop being as old as his mom . . . and grandmom.

Mrs. Claus wants Santa to stop spending so much time out in the shed “tending to the reindeer.”

Oprah wants to be a TV star again . . . and relevent.

Gail wants to be a top.
Misty recently posted..The War on Christmas: A Jen e Sais Quoi Guest Post

Hadassa December 19, 2012 at 3:25 pm

-Wilfred Brimley wishes for a new pancreas.
-Sheldon Cooper wishes he was my best friend.
-Anne Hathaway wishes for a new stylist and a double pack of Hanes Her Way Hi-Cuts
-Mariah Carey wishes that when people ask her about the “twins”, they are referring to her children.

Jenbug December 19, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Diabeeeetus!
Jenbug recently posted..Harm Reduction

Jessica December 19, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Diabeeeetus indeed!

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