I’ll Just Sit Quietly In A Corner And Not Talk, OK?

12/31/2012 · 13 comments

in Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

Good news, fellas, you’re about to get broken up with for more dumbshit reasons!

This month, Cosmo debuted The 8 Words That Give Away A Liar. This is frightening on 2 fronts: First because Cosmo is so full of unhealthy alarmist responses to relationship non-issues (and how to accomplish them faster and with more crying) and second because the only words I can think of that give away a liar are, “The Westboro Baptist Church is really where it’s at.”

Pants On Fire Word 1: Left

I’m left handed. Perhaps we can all fit if I lean left? What if I left my left-sided loafer fortune to Lefty Lewis? ALL LIES APPARENTLY, FOR NO LOGICAL REASON. If you’re so suspicious that your man is cheating on you because he uses the word left, then I have bad news for you. You’re insane, and he should have left you long ago.

Pants On Fire Word 2: Never

The only time “never” is a lie: We Are Never Getting Back Together by Taylor Swift. You and TaySwif can console yourself after your crazyballs breakup with your man by singing this song, but we all know that when he drunk texts you at 3 AM to come over, you will. And when he doesn’t answer the door right away, you’ll knock and text for a full 45 minutes before going home. Choices, punkin, you’re makin’ all the bad ones.

Pants On Fire Word 3: That

Pronouns are the shiftiest of nouns. Plain old nouns? Pretty good guys. Proper nouns–well you can take them at their word. But Pronouns? Fuck pronouns. Pronouns will kick your dog and insist that he tripped. Pronouns will fuck your roommate on the top bunk while you are sleeping in the bottom bunk. Pronouns will go through your phone’s browser history while you’re in the bathroom. Bastards.

Pants On Fire Word 4: Would

Now this list is beginning to read like a conspiracy theory written by an unmedicated schizophrenic. “All the words are lies! Every word has a hidden false meaning!” they scream at you, but you don’t listen because that’s fucking crazy. Our CosmAuthor suggests that Would combined with Never make for one mega-lie, ripping open the gaping maw of casual sex that made up your shitty relationship in the first place and spilling it’s cocktail-riddled guts on the floor.

Hey, here’s a thought that should have occurred to our CosmAuthor earlier in this list–if a man is giving you shitty answers to questions like, “Are you talking to your ex?” and “Where were you last night?” he’s an asshole.

Pants On Fire Word 5: Yes, Ma’am

Remember that time you were being nice to that old lady and she beat you mercilessly with her wicker handbag full of Sucrets? Now you know why.

Pants On Fire Word 6: By The Way

By the way, this is some serious bullshit journalism that picks words at random and falsely accuses them of lying to all of us. That’s how the Salem Witch Trials got started, CosmAuthor. Do you really want that kind of blood on your hands? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? TO CRUSH THE MEN YOU DESPERATELY NEED TO LOVE YOU UNDER PLYWOOD AND HEAVY STONES WHILE THEY LAY OUT THEIR SINS?

Because, by the way, that shit is called BDSM, and do I have some Craigslist Ads you need to see.

Pants On Fire Word 7: But 

He’ll say But at this point because he’s trying desperately to convince you that he wasn’t lying when he said, “I left my hat on the couch, would you please bring that to my work?”

“But that’s crazy honey! Why would I ask you to bring me that hat if I were lying about where I was last night?”

Pants On Fire Word 8: Why Would I Do That?

This is what he shouts at the end of the breakup, wondering why his ordinarily normal girl suddenly went all TaySwif on him. No one single word can denote a liar, especially de-contextualized and over-analyzed and humped right past crazy in ludicrous and embarrassing. This entire list is unbelievably psychotic and anxiety riddled for no reason other than women sometimes date douchebags, and apparently need a guide to figure out if their men are douchebags.

Guess what? If he acts like a shady douchebag, he’s a shady goddamn douchebag.

Horrible things happen in our world, and there really isn’t an explanation for why. It’s not that we as humans deserve it, we simply have to accept the situation and realize that we may never understand. Sometimes the ones we love leave us, sometimes tragedies occur, and all the time, Cosmopolitan magazine is a real publication with a massive reach among impressionable young women.

Fuck you, Cosmo.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Nadine: “I love it… this is the exact kind of cunty, no-nonsense advice that I’m ballsy enough to give once I’m about 3 Tom Collins into a good evening.”
Bill G. December 31, 2012 at 3:45 am

Oh fuck me sideways and call me Shirley. When your BFF asks you why you broke up with the former Mr. Right, please tell me you’ll have a better answer than, “He used the words ‘would’, ‘but’, and ‘never’ when I asked him why he took 12 hours to answer my text message.” Replying “because he’s a Gemini” is a better answer for fuck’s sake.

If you really want to find out if a guy is a shitball, there’s roughly a thousand better ways to go about it. Put your computer to something more productive than finding 50 ways that Guy Fieri likes fudge, Betty. Put his name into a few sex-offender registrations and see what pops up. When he tells you that he can’t see you Friday night because his family is celebrating his uncle’s promotion to head knob-polisher at the local dildo factory and “you’d just be bored”, show up there at that time and see what he’s up to or swing by his house and ask his roomies where that little scamp has gotten off to. Don’t ever be afraid of showing up somewhere that you’re not “supposed” to be. Don’t let a guy give you the Bambi eyes and play the “you don’t trust me?” card. Fuck that shit, trust has to be earned and guys lie all the fucking time about shit that they have no reason to lie about. A guy getting all whiny or angry tells you a lot. A solid majority of guys lie every hour of the day and for about half of them, their entire life is a lie. Don’t wait for his tapestry of shit to come find you.

When he tells you that he’s a marketing executive at the Buttfuck Brothers Widget Manufacturing Conglomerate, show up there on a workday to say ‘hi’. If the receptionist up front tells you that you’ll find him working in the mail room or out back cleaning the garbage cans, drop his pathetic ass and don’t look back. If he’s brazen enough to be lying about what he does for a living, you’ve only seen sampler of the shit that he’s shoveling. There’s no reason to hang out and experience the truckload coming your way.

I’m not saying that you should stalk the guy, but doing a few little things here and there is not wrong. Your girlfriends and sister will tell you that you’ll never land a good guy if you don’t trust him (because, GODDAMN IT, that’s what life is about). Fuck all that. People will tell you all kinds of bullshit if you let them. The fear of being a spinster at the age of 28 and dying alone with a houseful of cats drives women to overlook retards and assholes and it WILL come back to you at the worst time possible. God has a very ironic sense of humor.

Don’t wait until your door is being kicked in by the SWAT team at 3 AM or finding out you married yourself into a lifetime of gambling debt to decide that you should’ve passed on him.

Winopants December 31, 2012 at 6:56 am

Epic comment, bill G :P
Cosmo has officially run out of things to say. What I want to know is, how do I get paid for writing some off-the-cuff BS?
Winopants recently posted..(Un)Romancing the Butt, New Year’s Style

Bill G. December 31, 2012 at 11:43 am

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted a drunken rant at 3am. Maybe I’m being paranoid, but I’ve worked in restaurants, highway road crews, and other jobs that routinely hire sketchy people.

As for getting paid to write Cosmo garbage, like everything else these days, I’m sure it’s all about who you know. They’re sure as hell not hiring on the basis of talent and insight. Sounds like they pulling from the same talent pool that Men’s Health is.

Kathleen December 31, 2012 at 7:41 am

Huh. My husband said, “by the way, would you please see if I have any clean socks left?” just last night, and when I told him no, he said, “well, that’s weird, I must have never brought up the last clean load from the basement. Why would I forget to do that?” Agggghhhhhh! I must instantly dump his laundry-doing ass!! It’s obviously all a ploy, all the shared housework, all the cooked dinners, ALL LIES!!!

Mayor Gia December 31, 2012 at 9:55 am

I READ THAT ARTICLE TOO!! And I thought ‘What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck?!?”
Mayor Gia recently posted..My Year in Review

Jen December 31, 2012 at 12:11 pm

If only I’d had this article five years ago, I could have known for certain that my ex husband was cheating on me. Of course, walking in on him boning the neighbor was a small indication.
Jen recently posted..I’d Rather Laugh With the Sinners than…well, shit. I Don’t Know Any Goddamned Saints…

Bill G. December 31, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Damn! And you’re not in jail, so I credit you highly.

April December 31, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Well, I WAS dreading the annual New Year’s Eve party full of all my married and happily committed friends but NOT ANYMORE! As one of the few single girls in the crowd, I’m going to scream “YOU LIAR” and take a swig anytime someone uses one of the above words and then refuse to explain myself. I love drinking games, don’t you?
April recently posted..Ireland Part 4 – Castles, Abbeys and Cliffs, OH MY!

Misty January 1, 2013 at 7:32 pm

I don’t know . . . I’m thinking this might have some valid points.

By the way, I would never lie about that, but then again, I am left handed. Yes Ma’am!!

(How much did that sound like spam? Maybe that’s the whole point. Spam is just a bunch of asshole computer liars. Did a spammer write the article?).
Misty recently posted..She’s Baaaa-aaack!! Jen e Sais Quoi Returns

Valerie January 1, 2013 at 9:31 pm

So… What your saying is that… My husband was telling the truth… And that I might be a little crazy… And that I should probably untie him and let him out of the basement.

Man… Now I just feel bad about the hobbling snafu.


Valerie recently posted..Welcome 2013! I am the Hero of this story. I don’t need to be saved.

Abby January 2, 2013 at 9:09 am

I once had a teacher who discouraged the use of the word “that” and took off points every time we used it. All i can say to Cosmo is, try to fucking talk just 5 minutes without using the word “that” I dare you.
Abby recently posted..I can’t just let you go down like this

tricks to lose weight fast April 22, 2013 at 3:27 am

You rock. My thanks for doing such a good job. I’ll return to this site to read more and recommend my coworkers about your writing.

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