Good news, fellas, you’re about to get broken up with for more dumbshit reasons!
This month, Cosmo debuted The 8 Words That Give Away A Liar. This is frightening on 2 fronts: First because Cosmo is so full of unhealthy alarmist responses to relationship non-issues (and how to accomplish them faster and with more crying) and second because the only words I can think of that give away a liar are, “The Westboro Baptist Church is really where it’s at.”
Pants On Fire Word 1: Left
I’m left handed. Perhaps we can all fit if I lean left? What if I left my left-sided loafer fortune to Lefty Lewis? ALL LIES APPARENTLY, FOR NO LOGICAL REASON. If you’re so suspicious that your man is cheating on you because he uses the word left, then I have bad news for you. You’re insane, and he should have left you long ago.
Pants On Fire Word 2: Never
The only time “never” is a lie: We Are Never Getting Back Together by Taylor Swift. You and TaySwif can console yourself after your crazyballs breakup with your man by singing this song, but we all know that when he drunk texts you at 3 AM to come over, you will. And when he doesn’t answer the door right away, you’ll knock and text for a full 45 minutes before going home. Choices, punkin, you’re makin’ all the bad ones.
Pants On Fire Word 3: That
Pronouns are the shiftiest of nouns. Plain old nouns? Pretty good guys. Proper nouns–well you can take them at their word. But Pronouns? Fuck pronouns. Pronouns will kick your dog and insist that he tripped. Pronouns will fuck your roommate on the top bunk while you are sleeping in the bottom bunk. Pronouns will go through your phone’s browser history while you’re in the bathroom. Bastards.
Pants On Fire Word 4: Would
Now this list is beginning to read like a conspiracy theory written by an unmedicated schizophrenic. “All the words are lies! Every word has a hidden false meaning!” they scream at you, but you don’t listen because that’s fucking crazy. Our CosmAuthor suggests that Would combined with Never make for one mega-lie, ripping open the gaping maw of casual sex that made up your shitty relationship in the first place and spilling it’s cocktail-riddled guts on the floor.
Hey, here’s a thought that should have occurred to our CosmAuthor earlier in this list–if a man is giving you shitty answers to questions like, “Are you talking to your ex?” and “Where were you last night?” he’s an asshole.
Pants On Fire Word 5: Yes, Ma’am
Remember that time you were being nice to that old lady and she beat you mercilessly with her wicker handbag full of Sucrets? Now you know why.
Pants On Fire Word 6: By The Way
By the way, this is some serious bullshit journalism that picks words at random and falsely accuses them of lying to all of us. That’s how the Salem Witch Trials got started, CosmAuthor. Do you really want that kind of blood on your hands? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? TO CRUSH THE MEN YOU DESPERATELY NEED TO LOVE YOU UNDER PLYWOOD AND HEAVY STONES WHILE THEY LAY OUT THEIR SINS?
Because, by the way, that shit is called BDSM, and do I have some Craigslist Ads you need to see.
Pants On Fire Word 7: But
He’ll say But at this point because he’s trying desperately to convince you that he wasn’t lying when he said, “I left my hat on the couch, would you please bring that to my work?”
“But that’s crazy honey! Why would I ask you to bring me that hat if I were lying about where I was last night?”
Pants On Fire Word 8: Why Would I Do That?
This is what he shouts at the end of the breakup, wondering why his ordinarily normal girl suddenly went all TaySwif on him. No one single word can denote a liar, especially de-contextualized and over-analyzed and humped right past crazy in ludicrous and embarrassing. This entire list is unbelievably psychotic and anxiety riddled for no reason other than women sometimes date douchebags, and apparently need a guide to figure out if their men are douchebags.
Guess what? If he acts like a shady douchebag, he’s a shady goddamn douchebag.
Horrible things happen in our world, and there really isn’t an explanation for why. It’s not that we as humans deserve it, we simply have to accept the situation and realize that we may never understand. Sometimes the ones we love leave us, sometimes tragedies occur, and all the time, Cosmopolitan magazine is a real publication with a massive reach among impressionable young women.
Fuck you, Cosmo.– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Nadine: “I love it… this is the exact kind of cunty, no-nonsense advice that I’m ballsy enough to give once I’m about 3 Tom Collins into a good evening.”