You’re Not Giving Me A Lot Of Information to Judge You On, Fuckface

11/05/2012 · 43 comments

in Psychological Warfare, Social Services, What Is Wrong With You?

We should not judge others on the color of their skin, disabilities, and a large number of other out-of-control factors that don’t pertain to one’s personhood or life. We should learn to accept that others are different than we, and it doesn’t make them better or worse. Indeed, one glimpse of someone’s life isn’t usually enough to judge their entire personality on.

Sometimes, though, the quick glimpse of someone’s personality you’re given is so bad, so glaringly against social code and all reasonable morals and explanations, that you absolutely should judge them, you should call them on it, and you should REDEEM.

To the Gray Lexus ES 35o On The Haskell Ramp Of I-75,

I hope you go to Hell. I sincerely, desperately, wantonly wish you an express ride across the River Styx into the many rings of anal brutality and tears-lubed forced masturbation that await you.

I, and the 6 cars in front of me, were all waiting patiently in the only lane designated to enter the ramp. The signs are so clear, and the traffic so light, that there was no need for anyone to jump aside to make room, no need for understandable lane-jostling. Naturally, I did not assume anyone was about to ruin my entire life with the most brilliant demonstration of arrogance outside of Trump Tower.

Out of fucking nowhere, you (without a blinker) fisted (sans-lube) your ridiculously expensive Camry (same car, twatwaffle) into the 2 feet of space between my car and the car in front of me, and tapped my bumper on the way in. I had to brake, knowing that we were up against a 12-foot concrete barrier, and that I did not want to be a victim of vehicular manslaughter via bastard. Had I not been the only motherfucker paying attention, you would have literally killed me with stupid. Literally slain me, a much younger dumb blonde who was obeying the law and general social order, with your incomprehensible arrogance.

Perhaps, I thought in the second after I had to save both of our lives so you could get the perfect shuffle on your playlist, that there was no space behind me. Nope, I was the last car in the line, but you damn well showed me your social dominance with that giant dick-slap of a cut-off.

Boy, it sure was awkward when we were immediately trapped in stand-still traffic–right next to one another.

I hope you enjoyed the unreasonably loud playing of the entire soundtrack to A Goofy Movie.

To The Car Of Bros Who Chose To Ruin Everyone’s Day At The Intersection Of Maple and McKinney,

I hope your father revoked his love that night. I wish it with my entire soul and with the built-up hatred of 25 years of Daddy Issues, because I cannot believe how awful you are.

The traffic was heavy, Lord I know. It was the night of the Texas-OU game, and despite it being hours and hours before, everyone was still out partying–especially on McKinney, which is where Khloe and Lamar used to hang out. I know there are a thousand cabs waiting outside that restaurant and that traffic was literally only letting one or two cars pass per light change. We were all frustrated.

You had a choice that night, sir. You had a choice to obey the newly-imposed and frustrating–but temporary–intersection protocol and wait patiently for the intersection to be clear before you went ahead. You choose poorly.

You made eye contact with me, flipped me off, and then drove right in front of me, hoping to eek onto that last little bit of McKinney before the light changed and you blocked everyone. You failed.

Instead, when the light changed to red almost instantly, you ruined the days of everyone who’d been patiently waiting for a half-hour to get across one road to go home, and to my utter delight, you were planted right in front of my grill. You wisely advised the other bros in your car–your Brossengers–to look away from me, instinctually knowing you’d incurred my wrath.

I had a grand time waiting that extra 12 minutes for you to move forward thanks to a Divine taxi-brawl blocking your way, with my brights on. I loved walking up to your window and seeing your terrified eyes–once so brazen–planted in your lap while I called you and your friends fucking douchebags with the tiniest possible dicks who serve no purpose unto mankind other than to ruin other people’s lives with your arrogance and entitlement.

I also hope you enjoyed me blasting Boomer Sooner for the remainder of our wait.

I’m going to get arrested one day, and I’m not going to give a shit about it.

Ever redeemed yourself or others from the arrogance and entitlement of others? Ever seen someone receive ‘divine redemption’ for acts of douchery?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana the Biped: “To be fair, RL Stine’s ghostwriters>EL James. By a lot.” 
Mayor Gia November 5, 2012 at 7:01 am

Haaa! I need to get a goofy movie soundtrack for my car. For situations like these.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Things I Do Not Like About Hurricanes

Noa November 6, 2012 at 12:18 am

I’m surprised at how often it’s come in handy.

Misty November 5, 2012 at 7:39 am

I’m gonna kill one of those shitheads one of these days. You and me, Noa . . . sitting in the pokey awaiting trial for justifiable homicide. A jury of our peers would never convict.
Misty recently posted..It Looks Just Like You!

Noa November 6, 2012 at 12:19 am

You, me, Jen, and Johi in the pokey together? That’s national news.

Jen November 6, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Can we get Johi to bedazzle our shivs? You just KNOW that girl’s got a hot glue gun, yo.
Jen recently posted..50 Worst Dates

Johi November 6, 2012 at 6:08 pm

It’s true. I not only have my own hot glue gun, I also own a bedazzler, an entire tool set, at least four pocket knives, an obscene amount of ass kicking boots, other assorted weaponry and mace. I may or may not keep it all in my handbag. I’ve got all your backs.
Johi recently posted..Gluten Free Goodness!

Noa November 7, 2012 at 12:01 am

You’re ready for a really fabulous apocalypse.

Kathleen November 5, 2012 at 9:05 am

Ha! You don’t by any chance live in northern VA, do you? I swear, the assholes here have a special place reserved in hell for their signal-less, cutting off, shoulder-running, light-running, texting, entitled, self-absorbed, goat-bothering, cock faces! And my heavenly reward will be to be allowed to poke them with sharp objects for all eternity.

Noa November 6, 2012 at 12:21 am

Goat-Bothering is a new one for me, but having been around goats before, I must say it is surprisingly accurate.

Poking is a good alternative if they have their windows down. Though I might have just socked him then.

Rachel November 5, 2012 at 9:06 am

This weekend I had to yell at a lady sitting behind me at the movies who was using her iPhone to take pictures WITH THE FLASH ON of the screen during The Man with the Iron Fists. When the first blinding white light went off (it happened to be hitting me directly in the corner of my eye) I let it go as somebody accidentally turning it on to look for something they’d dropped, or accidentally hitting the camera button, whatever. The second time, I started looking around, the third time, I started to turn around, but my boyfriend stopped me, knowing full and well that I was about to go all country ghetto on this bitch. The FOURTH time, I leaned over my boyfriend, and YELLED at her to stop taking fucking pictures of the fucking movie screen with the flash on, because if she wasn’t so FUCKING RETARDED, she’d have figured out after the first picture that the flash was fucking it up. I turned around and finished the movie without any blinding white Apple lights all up in my ocular cavities. When we left, this bitch was parked right next to us, and she DROPPED her stupid iPhone while she was trying to unlock her car. I hope that screen shattered into a million tiny spiderweb cracks, and that every single time she looks at her precious fucked up iPhone she hears my maniacal laughter and me saying “serves you right, you stupid cunt!”

Noa November 6, 2012 at 12:23 am

Why God, why would anyone take pictures of the screen during a movie? I’m regularly surprised at the number of people who lack even basic self-awareness and knowledge of the fact that other people might be bothered by your being a fucking asshole.

I hope she didn’t have AppleCare.

Liza November 5, 2012 at 9:11 am

Oh I DO love you, I DO! I want a bumper sticker for my 13 year old hoopty that informs one and all “If you cut me off I WILL hit you.” I haven’t hit anyone yet, but the temptation can be oh so strong. My daily commute is just full of morons who merge and THEN look to find me rightontopofthem, eyes wide, white knuckled, and curses a-flowing.

Noa November 6, 2012 at 12:40 am

I love that moment of non-recognition when they realize they almost caused someone’s death. Really makes me feel like part of something great.

Jen November 5, 2012 at 9:16 am

I keep bumper stickers in my glove compartment for just such occasions. When that cuntmuppet with the ‘Visualize World Peace’ and Sierra Club logos slathered on his Prius parks in my spot I am ready to strike. Let’s see how you like that Romney/Ryan sticker on your bumper, motherfucker.
Jen recently posted..50 Worst Dates

Noa November 6, 2012 at 12:53 am

Now I’m wondering how many Romney/Ryan stickers are legit and how many were hate-placed. Also, if I see another Coexist sticker, I’mma hurt a bitch.

Christine November 5, 2012 at 9:38 am

When: This morning.
Who: The driver of a 1970s brown pedovan. Cause a white van is just too obvious when attempting to kidnap children with promises of candy and puppies.
Where: A winding road with a 100km/h speed limit.

Douchecanoe was driving 20 kms under the speed limit the entire fucking time. Then, when I finally get a passing lane, fucktard decided he didn’t want to get passed by a little brunette driving a car named after a Sonic the Hedgehog character (AKA, Knuckles). He ended up lead-footing the gas pedal in an attempt to prevent me from passing. Asshole sped up to 125 motherfucking kilometers per hour to try and block me.

Guess what? My little car isn’t named Knuckles for nothing, you shitty pedophile. I left that van in the dust.

What pissed me off even more is that once I passed him, he went right back down to 80, just to confirm he was in fact, a complete asswipe.
Christine recently posted..If You’re Hating Your Life Today.

Noa November 6, 2012 at 12:54 am

Why the fuck do people do that?

Oh, to feel superior. You know, like I just wrote a whole post about.

Noa November 6, 2012 at 12:55 am

I feel the need to clarify that I’m being sarcastic towards myself for even asking why, because I became so angry at your comment and momentarily forgot you were responding to my question.

Janene November 6, 2012 at 8:42 am

I hate jackasses like that. And they’re usually all around country roads, too. Fuckers.

Winopants November 5, 2012 at 10:01 am

A jerky, 8% tipping regular customer threw up on himself at the restaurant the other day, while still seated. That’s what happens when you show up hammered and demand a table without a reservation. Hehe.
Winopants recently posted..Beware the Ann Coulterbiest

Noa November 6, 2012 at 12:56 am


He fucking deserved a lap full of shame.

Laura November 5, 2012 at 10:22 am

This is why I don’t drive outside of my two stop light town, I’m afraid I’ll loose my temper and ram the back of the car of the guy who cut me off. And that would just be terrible for my car.

Noa November 6, 2012 at 12:57 am

I don’t know how I drive in Dallas some days. People are awful.

abby November 5, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Oh, if only once, just once! One of the assholes who ruin my peaceful car rides would get stuck in front of me so I could wail upon them with my verbal swords of death. You are so lucky to have achieved this revenge.
abby recently posted..And a Song Will Guide Me

Noa November 6, 2012 at 12:58 am

I made sure to take advantage of my serendipity, knowing I was one of the few. They did not enjoy it.

Dana the Biped November 5, 2012 at 2:40 pm

I got dumped. His hairline receded four inches.

I swear there was no Nair involved.
Dana the Biped recently posted..A Word on Words

Noa November 6, 2012 at 12:58 am

Divine Nair, my friend.

Lacy Foland November 5, 2012 at 4:47 pm

I was cut off on the freeway by this bitch in an Escalade (which was at least three times the size of my Scion) so that she could get to the offramp fractions of a second before me. Once we were both off the freeway, she had the audacity to flip *me* off. Me. The person *she* cut off. Then we were stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic for six blocks. The whole time we were in traffic she was cursing at me with her windows down so loud I could hear her even with my windows up and the radio on. She was blue in the face by the time I got in the turn lane, smiled and waved, and left her behind to choke on her own bile.

Noa November 6, 2012 at 1:19 am

Escalade is an upscale Suburban. That bitch paid too much and is also a terrible, horrible person.

Jake November 5, 2012 at 6:46 pm

I was moving about 6 miles per week in that construction clusterfuck by the DFW airport, and this trucktard came screaming up behind me, passed me on the shoulder, and immediately wedged himself between the concrete median and the dump truck in front of me. The whole thing was an actual literal illustration of the phrase “Dodge Ram.” I calmly pulled into the other lane and drove on.
Jake recently posted..PROTIP: You always generate more interest if you call it "Apocalypse Prevention."

Noa November 6, 2012 at 1:20 am

Oh my God. If I never drive on that patch of 114 again it will be too fucking soon. Fuck that shit, and fuck that Ram.

Jaime November 5, 2012 at 7:41 pm

wtf is wrong with people???? Why do people insist on getting ONE FUCKING CAR ahead in traffic like it’ll make all the fucking difference in the world. I have a feeling … if we lived in the same town.. I’d be arrested.. right fucking next to you. These assbuckets have made it so that when I’m in area’s where I just fucking KNOW some dickweasel is going to attempt to cut me off I ride the bumper ahead of me like I’m I’m going to town on it.

Jaime recently fodder ftw

Noa November 6, 2012 at 1:22 am

I have a theory–it’s a modern way of biting someone’s neck to show dominance. I’d rather they just bite my neck so I’m close enough to punch.

Banana Stickers November 5, 2012 at 8:28 pm

My response to your question was getting awfully wordy, so I decided to turn it into a blog post.
Banana Stickers recently posted..I will inject you with kindness

Noa November 6, 2012 at 1:24 am

“You People,” is a trigger word for me.

I’m surprised you weren’t arrested.

JenB November 6, 2012 at 10:32 am

Loved this post! As for me, I have to commute from Pennsylvania to New Jersey daily for work. The asshole driver ratio is off the chart.
JenB recently posted..Apparently I Had A Brain Tumor For Breakfast That Day

Noa November 7, 2012 at 12:01 am

I thought the NJ thing was a myth until I visited. Nope.

Monica November 6, 2012 at 1:07 pm

You’re my hero. I want to be you when I grow up.
Monica recently posted..I’m not a whore, I’m a snuggler

Noa November 7, 2012 at 12:02 am


Jenna November 6, 2012 at 11:02 pm

Somebody needs to take their chill pill.

Noa November 7, 2012 at 12:02 am

I agree.

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