Thursday Throwdown: Unfortunate Endings To Thanksgiving Toasts

• “. . .if by ‘vegan’ you mean as dry and meaningless as a nun’s twat, then yes. The stuffing is vegan.” (39%, 18 Votes)
• “. . .I think the takeaway from all of this is that Mom is a whore.” (39%, 18 Votes)
• "And that’s why he’s technically your brother AND your uncle." (28%, 13 Votes)
• “. . .and that is the story of how the Native Americans gave us the gifts of corn, maple syrup, and video poker. Amen.” (28%, 13 Votes)
• “…as the pilgrims said at the very first Thanksgiving *raises both middle fingers* sit and spin, mother fuckers, sit and spin.” (17%, 8 Votes)
• “Let us be thankful that we are all here together, that Domino’s Pizza was still open, and that the grease fire only took out the patio furniture.” (17%, 8 Votes)
• "… So even though I had the shits all through cooking this meal, I’m pretty sure I’m not contagious. " (15%, 7 Votes)
• “…all a bunch of racist shitkickers. In conclusion, fuck you. I’m taking the pie.” (15%, 7 Votes)
• “And finally, I’m thankful for the cop who tripped and fell just as I was running out of the bank holding the cash, for without him, we’d be eating Ramen.” (13%, 6 Votes)
• “Has anyone seen grandma’s lower dentures? Smart money’s on the mashed potatoes.” (13%, 6 Votes)
• "… Fuck all y’all anyway. " (11%, 5 Votes)
• “…so glad Mama had the wherewithal to hit that bitch with the giant peppermint stick or we’d be eating fish sticks tonight. Again. Amen.” (11%, 5 Votes)
• “So I said, “Screw turduckin! We’re having a porturkin! REDNECKOGNIZE!” (11%, 5 Votes)
• “and that’s why your mom and I are going to spend some time apart.” (9%, 4 Votes)
• “This is SPARTA!!” (9%, 4 Votes)
• “So, some of the dishes were poisoned. If you aren’t dead at the end of the meal just know that I love you best.” (9%, 4 Votes)
• "… Finally, let’s give thanks that To Catch a Predator is no longer filming new episodes, or at least half of you wouldn’t be here with us today." (7%, 3 Votes)
• “So, actually, Thanksgiving is tomorrow. This is an intervention, which…you are obviously to drunk to appreciate.” (7%, 3 Votes)
• “and that’s why you always make sure the turkey is completely defrosted. We’ll all miss John, but let’s not let this meal go to waste. He’ll keep for a bit.” (7%, 3 Votes)
• (Grabs champagne bottle) “I will now “pour one” for grandma. May your knitting and needlepoint be forever gansta,’ grammy. Peace.” (7%, 3 Votes)
• “…And that’s why the turkey is dressed in drag.” (7%, 3 Votes)
• “And we all learned this year that deep frying the turkey doesn’t work in the kitchen sink.” (4%, 2 Votes)
• “…Why is there still a turkey in the freezer? And where is the dog?” (4%, 2 Votes)
• “…it’s not so bad. Mikey is a gay performance artist with Grandpa’s hand on his thigh.” (4%, 2 Votes)
• “… and so this is what we call a ‘Tofurkey’.” (4%, 2 Votes)
• “I’m making homemade Botox with the leftovers!” (4%, 2 Votes)
• . . . but I wouldn’t lick grandma’s twat if I were you.” (4%, 2 Votes)
• ” . . . to say thanks be to God that grandpa no longer has the sharts. Dig in!” (4%, 2 Votes)
• “And it turned out to be Aunt Mimi’s pet poodle. But they eat dog in Asia and look how long they live, right?” (4%, 2 Votes)
• “Is that blood or cranberry sauce?” (2%, 1 Votes)
• “And then the nun said. “Sausage? I thought it was a gherkin!” Cheers!!” (2%, 1 Votes)
• “I’ll be distributing voting sheets at the end of the meal, so that we can decide whose dish this year is the best. We’ll have to write in uncle Jimbo’s nacho casserole though- that was a last minute (2%, 1 Votes)
• “Don’t worry, I washed my hands when I was cookin’, but anything I got can be fixed with antbioticals” (2%, 1 Votes)
• “You are all here… in my house… again… Seriously, why in the fuck do you keep coming back here? Didn’t the sign on the door, you know the one that says ‘Do not fucking enter’ give you a clue? ” (2%, 1 Votes)
• ….”I’m her REAL Mother, I birthed her” (2%, 1 Votes)
• "… And I DVR’d the entire season of King of Queens for us to watch after dinner! " (2%, 1 Votes)
• “… and extra thankful Grandpa took his hand off my thigh for five seconds.” (0%, 0 Votes)
• “Luckily there’s plenty of PB&J to go around.” (0%, 0 Votes)
• “The rolls aren’t the only buns in the oven, I can cook rolls so how had can a baby be?” (0%, 0 Votes)
• ” . . . I rather spend Thanksgiving with you folks than the homeless meth addicts at St. Claire’s Halfway House. Nope, wait, it’s I’d rather spend Thanksgiving with the homeless. Where are my index ca (0%, 0 Votes)
• “”And thanks to the Power Bar Foundation for donating this low fat and high carb meal consisting entirely of energy bars.” (0%, 0 Votes)

Total Voters: 46