Thursday Throwdown: Realistic Girl Scout Badges

11/08/2012 · 17 comments

in Joke Off

Every Wednesday, we do a Joke-Off about a topic I make up. On Thursdays, we vote on who is the funniest bitch of us all. Vote for up to five!

I could have avoided so many of my current problems had I earned even one or two of these. And for your information, with my Print Journalism knowledge, I have a very fulfilling life telling jokes on the internet for nothing at all except the joy and loneliness-ebb I get from reading comments. Vote while I go cry in my snow cone.

Thursday Throwdown: Realistic Girl Scout Badges
If he says he loves you, he’s just trying to get into your pants. And no, he won’t call you the next day. 0%
Screw making fires, let’s learn something really useful . . . like being able to distill river water into vodka. 0%
If you’re pretty, you don’t need skills or learning. Just marry rich. 0%
The art of blowjobs. 0%
Convincing others you’re “not that drunk!” when you are obviously really, really drunk 0%
How to be a good designated driver- aka: I’m the least drunk person in my group of friends right now 0%
Sexting0%
How to get out of speeding tickets using your tears/boobs 0%
Hating your body: the modern woman’s guide to never feeling good enough 0%
Text Speak: How to make everyone besides other young girls hate you 0%
Bieberology0%
Successful removal of anal beads. 0%
Helping a senior citizen sign their fortune away. 0%
Spanx: The Art of Not Breathing 0%
Successfully morphing into a 20-something Douche Nozzle 0%
Being A Conservative: Successfully alienating half your friends on facebook. 0%
Being a Democrat: Successfully alienating half your friends on facebook. 0%
Refusing to Vote: Successfully alienating everyone. 0%
How To Get Out Of PE Without Using Your Period As An Excuse 0%
Pop Music: What Innuendos Mean 0%
How To Hold Back Hair When Your Friend Is Puking 0%
Talking Someone Into Buying Something They Don’t Want 0%
Not Sounding Like An Idiot In Front Of Guys 0%
Chicks Before Dicks 101 0%
Eating Your Feelings Can Be Fun!0%
Planking0%
Advanced Prairie Dogging0%
Stephenie Meyer Book Burning Badge0%
Inner Beauty Is For Ugly People0%
Shaken, not stirred: how to tell if your drink’s been roofied0%
Solitaire Champion: how to make it look like you’re working0%
Popcorn will get you killed: corporate lunchroom etiquette0%
Pants: If your buttcrack shows, you’re doing it wrong0%
Ballbusting0%
The art of the double-tap: surviving the zombie apocalypse0%
Fashion: do black and brown make a frown? and white pants are NEVER ok. 0%
Voice Mail: yes people will still leave messages instead of texting. 0%
Our Bodies, Ourselves: is 16 REALLY too young for a nose and/or boob job? 0%
Settle for less: Finding Prince Charming’s fuggly second cousin 0%
Ass kissing for profit: Adapting to enemy-making and the taste of butt sweat 0%
Procrastination: Throwing your dreams away one Facebook post at a time 0%
Majoring in liberal arts: How to prepare for the restaurant and retail workforce 0%
Legitimate Rape: How to shut that whole thing down. 0%
The art of removing a dry tampon. 0%
Helping him find your clitoris based on the North Star. 0%
How to pray away the gay. 0%
How to pray away a positive pregnancy test. 0%
How to pray away an STD. 0%
Leggings: Yep, that’s my labia! 0%
Making latte art and other things to do with your print journalism degree. 0%
Chemistry 101: Vodka, bad decisions, and the morning after pill 0%
English 101: What he says vs. What he means. What he says — Basically anyting. What he means — please let me get in your pants. 0%
Can’t figure out which friend it is? Then it’s you. 0%
Fuck Sticks: Bigger, Brighter Fires With Dynamite 0%
Trick Turning 0%
Building Solar-Powered Dildos 0%
Stick Shift & Precision Driving in Heels0%
Fuck A Bunch Of Pointy Shoes & Not Have Malformed Feet 0%
Balls & How To Rip Them Off If Attacked0%
Drop ‘Em Like It’s Hot – “Like” – “Um” – “I’m Sorry”0%
Cookin’ With Gas – The Art of Blowing Things Up0%
Self-Love: Masturbation Sans Vibrators0%
Orgasms: Getting Yours First0%
Blow-Jobs, Not Vacuum-Action0%
Yes, I Give Legendary Blow-Jobs, But That Doesn’t Mean You’re Getting One Right Now 0%
Fuck Off Mean Boss, I Quit – I Can Do Way Better!0%
Kama Sutra Scholar – Knowing More Than Just Missionary & Doggie Style0%
Being Whiny Gets You Nowhere0%
Lying to your dentist about having flossed 0%
Sucker punches 0%
Fart denial poker face 0%
Twat-Nozzle Identification: Bitches To Avoid0%
Making “Good Choices” does not start with Jagermeister.0%
Personal Hygiene 101- refusing to shave your legs and pits does not make you French. It makes you single. 0%
How to break up with a douche: “It’s not me, it’s you.” 0%
Sleeping with 100 men does not solve “daddy issues”.0%
The PADS badge- “People Against Duck-Face Self-Portraiture”. Making it stop one facebook profile picture at a time.0%
Swearing. Not so great for educational purposes, but it sure is fun on the Internet and with Granny. 0%
Needlepoint, the Lifetime Movie Channel and cats= a very lonely day, indeed.0%
No matter what the television tells you, white pants are NOT for periods. 0%
Collecting figurines is not okay. Ever.0%
Choose your friends wisely. Choose your husbands even more wisely.0%
Always carry a weapon in your purse.0%
Loving yourself, in spite of yourself. 0%
First period. You earn an additional oakleaf cluster if you have to walk out of a party with a friend’s jacket tied around your waist. 0%
Eating Elephant: how to keep trying even though, let’s be honest, you will never ever get your shit together0%
It’s just a job: keeping your sanity while working with idiots0%
Bitch Focus: productive channeling of your inner bitch for fun and profit0%
how to make boring pointless meetings more exciting again: doodling with pink pens and pizzazz 0%
knowing how to use your “filter” voice: less honesty, more filler0%
how to turn ‘business casual’ into slut-wear0%

{ 16 comments }

Jen November 8, 2012 at 9:55 am

Oddly enough, it will only let me vote if I comment first so…here is my extraneous comment.
Jen recently posted..Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken: The Campus Edition

Noa November 8, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Switching polling providers next week. Bastards. Should be fixed now.

Leauxra November 8, 2012 at 10:12 am

I may have stayed in Girl Scouts longer if the merit badges were a little more interesting. I lasted one day of sewing crappy ornaments, and one day of going to the old folk’s home to hand out our crappy crafts. And then I said, “Shit, seriously? I thought this would be like the boy scouts and I would get to play with knives and build fires!”
Leauxra recently posted..November is Coming

Noa November 8, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Right? I used my cookie money to buy myself a Girl Scout pocket knife and then I was out.

Kelly November 8, 2012 at 11:03 am

Hmmm. I have to comment first too. I don’t have much to say, so how ’bout them Lakers?

Noa November 8, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Them Lakers, yo. Should be fixed. Switching providers next week.

Kelly November 8, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I don’t even like the Lakers. I live on the East Coast. Now I just feel cheap.
Kelly recently posted..Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken: The Campus Edition

Jen November 8, 2012 at 3:15 pm

While we’re on the subject of fixing links, how did Kelly’s reply link to my blog? Not that I don’t appreciate the PR. . .I’m just sayin’.
Jen recently posted..Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken: The Campus Edition

Janene November 8, 2012 at 11:47 am

I think I have to comment, too…..

Noa November 8, 2012 at 12:31 pm

MOTHERFUCKER.

Fucking thing. Should be fixed.

Dana the Biped November 8, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Yesterday I read an article about a female entrepreneur who started her own “professional snuggling” business. I vote for her as pack leader.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Hops in the Right Direction: Taking Advantage of the Circumstances (And Dealing with the Them)

Misty November 8, 2012 at 1:52 pm

This is the first time that I’ve seen the percentages after voting. Interesting. This thing is fucked, Noa. But you know that already.

Oh, and apparently Jen is taking this home. Again. :p
Misty recently posted..Vote for November 7th!!

Jen November 8, 2012 at 2:08 pm

WHY CAN’T I SEE THE RESULTS!?!? What mystical interwebby powers do you possess, Misty?
Jen recently posted..Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken: The Campus Edition

Misty November 8, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Don’t worry. You were winning by a ton when I voted. You’ve got this thing in the bag, girl.

And . . . a ninja never reveals her secrets.
Misty recently posted..Vote for November 7th!!

Allie November 8, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Here’s hoping I end up half as awesome as you with my print journalism degree. Although, in all honesty, it would probably be a lot more useful if it wasn’t for that damn felony. Oh well.

Good luck everyone!
Allie recently posted..Just. Vote.

natalie November 8, 2012 at 10:12 pm

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