Thursday Throwdown: Realistic Girl Scout Badges

11/08/2012 · 17 comments

in Joke Off

Every Wednesday, we do a Joke-Off about a topic I make up. On Thursdays, we vote on who is the funniest bitch of us all. Vote for up to five!

I could have avoided so many of my current problems had I earned even one or two of these. And for your information, with my Print Journalism knowledge, I have a very fulfilling life telling jokes on the internet for nothing at all except the joy and loneliness-ebb I get from reading comments. Vote while I go cry in my snow cone.

Thursday Throwdown: Realistic Girl Scout Badges
If he says he loves you, he’s just trying to get into your pants. And no, he won’t call you the next day. 0%
Screw making fires, let’s learn something really useful . . . like being able to distill river water into vodka. 0%
If you’re pretty, you don’t need skills or learning. Just marry rich. 0%
The art of blowjobs. 0%
Convincing others you’re “not that drunk!” when you are obviously really, really drunk 0%
How to be a good designated driver- aka: I’m the least drunk person in my group of friends right now 0%
Sexting0%
How to get out of speeding tickets using your tears/boobs 0%
Hating your body: the modern woman’s guide to never feeling good enough 0%
Text Speak: How to make everyone besides other young girls hate you 0%
Bieberology0%
Successful removal of anal beads. 0%
Helping a senior citizen sign their fortune away. 0%
Spanx: The Art of Not Breathing 0%
Successfully morphing into a 20-something Douche Nozzle 0%
Being A Conservative: Successfully alienating half your friends on facebook. 0%
Being a Democrat: Successfully alienating half your friends on facebook. 0%
Refusing to Vote: Successfully alienating everyone. 0%
How To Get Out Of PE Without Using Your Period As An Excuse 0%
Pop Music: What Innuendos Mean 0%
How To Hold Back Hair When Your Friend Is Puking 0%
Talking Someone Into Buying Something They Don’t Want 0%
Not Sounding Like An Idiot In Front Of Guys 0%
Chicks Before Dicks 101 0%
Eating Your Feelings Can Be Fun!0%
Planking0%
Advanced Prairie Dogging0%
Stephenie Meyer Book Burning Badge0%
Inner Beauty Is For Ugly People0%
Shaken, not stirred: how to tell if your drink’s been roofied0%
Solitaire Champion: how to make it look like you’re working0%
Popcorn will get you killed: corporate lunchroom etiquette0%
Pants: If your buttcrack shows, you’re doing it wrong0%
Ballbusting0%
The art of the double-tap: surviving the zombie apocalypse0%
Fashion: do black and brown make a frown? and white pants are NEVER ok. 0%
Voice Mail: yes people will still leave messages instead of texting. 0%
Our Bodies, Ourselves: is 16 REALLY too young for a nose and/or boob job? 0%
Settle for less: Finding Prince Charming’s fuggly second cousin 0%
Ass kissing for profit: Adapting to enemy-making and the taste of butt sweat 0%
Procrastination: Throwing your dreams away one Facebook post at a time 0%
Majoring in liberal arts: How to prepare for the restaurant and retail workforce 0%
Legitimate Rape: How to shut that whole thing down. 0%
The art of removing a dry tampon. 0%
Helping him find your clitoris based on the North Star. 0%
How to pray away the gay. 0%
How to pray away a positive pregnancy test. 0%
How to pray away an STD. 0%
Leggings: Yep, that’s my labia! 0%
Making latte art and other things to do with your print journalism degree. 0%
Chemistry 101: Vodka, bad decisions, and the morning after pill 0%
English 101: What he says vs. What he means. What he says — Basically anyting. What he means — please let me get in your pants. 0%
Can’t figure out which friend it is? Then it’s you. 0%
Fuck Sticks: Bigger, Brighter Fires With Dynamite 0%
Trick Turning 0%
Building Solar-Powered Dildos 0%
Stick Shift & Precision Driving in Heels0%
Fuck A Bunch Of Pointy Shoes & Not Have Malformed Feet 0%
Balls & How To Rip Them Off If Attacked0%
Drop ‘Em Like It’s Hot – “Like” – “Um” – “I’m Sorry”0%
Cookin’ With Gas – The Art of Blowing Things Up0%
Self-Love: Masturbation Sans Vibrators0%
Orgasms: Getting Yours First0%
Blow-Jobs, Not Vacuum-Action0%
Yes, I Give Legendary Blow-Jobs, But That Doesn’t Mean You’re Getting One Right Now 0%
Fuck Off Mean Boss, I Quit – I Can Do Way Better!0%
Kama Sutra Scholar – Knowing More Than Just Missionary & Doggie Style0%
Being Whiny Gets You Nowhere0%
Lying to your dentist about having flossed 0%
Sucker punches 0%
Fart denial poker face 0%
Twat-Nozzle Identification: Bitches To Avoid0%
Making “Good Choices” does not start with Jagermeister.0%
Personal Hygiene 101- refusing to shave your legs and pits does not make you French. It makes you single. 0%
How to break up with a douche: “It’s not me, it’s you.” 0%
Sleeping with 100 men does not solve “daddy issues”.0%
The PADS badge- “People Against Duck-Face Self-Portraiture”. Making it stop one facebook profile picture at a time.0%
Swearing. Not so great for educational purposes, but it sure is fun on the Internet and with Granny. 0%
Needlepoint, the Lifetime Movie Channel and cats= a very lonely day, indeed.0%
No matter what the television tells you, white pants are NOT for periods. 0%
Collecting figurines is not okay. Ever.0%
Choose your friends wisely. Choose your husbands even more wisely.0%
Always carry a weapon in your purse.0%
Loving yourself, in spite of yourself. 0%
First period. You earn an additional oakleaf cluster if you have to walk out of a party with a friend’s jacket tied around your waist. 0%
Eating Elephant: how to keep trying even though, let’s be honest, you will never ever get your shit together0%
It’s just a job: keeping your sanity while working with idiots0%
Bitch Focus: productive channeling of your inner bitch for fun and profit0%
how to make boring pointless meetings more exciting again: doodling with pink pens and pizzazz 0%
knowing how to use your “filter” voice: less honesty, more filler0%
how to turn ‘business casual’ into slut-wear0%

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