Joke-Off: Unfortunate Endings To Thanksgiving Toasts

11/21/2012 · 18 comments

in Joke Off

Every Wednesday, I start a Joke-Off about a topic I make up (or one you guys suggest). On Thursday, we all vote on who’s the funniest bitch of the week based on these submissions. If you want to play, just add in your submission in the comments!It’s here!

The time of year where we all go home to our families and eat and drink and remember why we only do this shit once a year. There’s always awkwardness and nosiness and no one’s having any fun, really–but it can only be made better by the worst possible Thanksgiving Toasts. Let’s help your weird family members out.

Joke-Off: Unfortunate Endings To Thanksgiving Toasts

  •  “And that’s why the Turkey was eviscerated for safety. Cheers!”
  •  “…and then my Psoriasis just chipped right off into the dressing.”
  • “So no one say anything to Dave’s new girlfriend, Taylor. We don’t want a Billboard Hit about how we were all dicks.”
  • “…pus.”
  • “The turkey’s tighter than your Aunt Marie!”
  • “So that’s why I marinated this baby in Keystone Light.”
  • “What is a giblet.”
  • “I dribbled mayonnaise out of the hole for added effect.”
  • “I’ve hidden your inheritance in the turkey. The darker the meat, the better the haul.”
  • “To old traditions and new, pretty young all things considered, gold-digging aunts.”
  • “Grandma’ll turn up somewhere.”
  • “Is that a baby shoe?”
  • “I hope you don’t mind, but we fed your cat the sack of innards.”
  • “I think I saw a video that ended like that turkey on YouPorn.”
  • “I think we can all agree that Veganism is the best way to do Thanksgiving.”
  • “Did you know 4/10 people you shake hands with has recently masturbated and not washed their hands?”
  • “…’s pancake nipples.”
  • “Ovens kill infections, right?”
  • “It’s stuffed with Bacon, seasoned with Bacon, fried in Bacon grease, and wrapped in Bacon! INTERNET.”
  • “It’s a recipe I got off of Pinterest. First time I tried it!”
  • “Please use the hashtag #NaNoFamTurkMo”
  • “It’s loaded with Speed. Black Friday is but once a year, y’all!”
  • “I left the head on for added Puritan realness.”
  • “The rolls are too roll-y.”
  • “It’s called a Bukkake crust.”
  • “And that’s why I believe we are the one true race.”
Favorite Comment From The Last Post
From Leauxra: “It turns out that if an American and a Scot go to London, the guy at the Burger King will not understand either one of you, no matter how slowly or loudly you speak. or drunkenly. I JUST WANTED SOME DAMN FRIES.” 

Previous post:

Next post: