Joke-Off: Unfortunate Endings To Thanksgiving Toasts

11/21/2012 · 18 comments

in Joke Off

Every Wednesday, I start a Joke-Off about a topic I make up (or one you guys suggest). On Thursday, we all vote on who’s the funniest bitch of the week based on these submissions. If you want to play, just add in your submission in the comments!It’s here!

The time of year where we all go home to our families and eat and drink and remember why we only do this shit once a year. There’s always awkwardness and nosiness and no one’s having any fun, really–but it can only be made better by the worst possible Thanksgiving Toasts. Let’s help your weird family members out.

Joke-Off: Unfortunate Endings To Thanksgiving Toasts

  •  “And that’s why the Turkey was eviscerated for safety. Cheers!”
  •  “…and then my Psoriasis just chipped right off into the dressing.”
  • “So no one say anything to Dave’s new girlfriend, Taylor. We don’t want a Billboard Hit about how we were all dicks.”
  • “…pus.”
  • “The turkey’s tighter than your Aunt Marie!”
  • “So that’s why I marinated this baby in Keystone Light.”
  • “What is a giblet.”
  • “I dribbled mayonnaise out of the hole for added effect.”
  • “I’ve hidden your inheritance in the turkey. The darker the meat, the better the haul.”
  • “To old traditions and new, pretty young all things considered, gold-digging aunts.”
  • “Grandma’ll turn up somewhere.”
  • “Is that a baby shoe?”
  • “I hope you don’t mind, but we fed your cat the sack of innards.”
  • “I think I saw a video that ended like that turkey on YouPorn.”
  • “I think we can all agree that Veganism is the best way to do Thanksgiving.”
  • “Did you know 4/10 people you shake hands with has recently masturbated and not washed their hands?”
  • “…’s pancake nipples.”
  • “Ovens kill infections, right?”
  • “It’s stuffed with Bacon, seasoned with Bacon, fried in Bacon grease, and wrapped in Bacon! INTERNET.”
  • “It’s a recipe I got off of Pinterest. First time I tried it!”
  • “Please use the hashtag #NaNoFamTurkMo”
  • “It’s loaded with Speed. Black Friday is but once a year, y’all!”
  • “I left the head on for added Puritan realness.”
  • “The rolls are too roll-y.”
  • “It’s called a Bukkake crust.”
  • “And that’s why I believe we are the one true race.”
Favorite Comment From The Last Post
From Leauxra: “It turns out that if an American and a Scot go to London, the guy at the Burger King will not understand either one of you, no matter how slowly or loudly you speak. or drunkenly. I JUST WANTED SOME DAMN FRIES.” 
Mayor Gia November 21, 2012 at 6:52 am

And that’s why he’s technically your brother AND your uncle.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Mayor Gia’s First Thanksgiving

Beth November 21, 2012 at 7:01 am

“and that’s why your mom and I are going to spend some time apart.”

“and that’s why you always make sure the turkey is completely defrosted. We’ll all miss John, but let’s not let this meal go to waste. He’ll keep for a bit.”

“This is SPARTA!!”
Beth recently posted..Fun with the Family

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) November 21, 2012 at 7:11 am

“And then the nun said. “Sausage? I thought it was a gherkin!” Cheers!!”

“And it turned out to be Aunt Mimi’s pet poodle. But they eat dog in Asia and look how long they live, right?”

“So I said, “Screw turduckin! We’re having a porturkin! REDNECKOGNIZE!”

“And finally, I’m thankful for the cop who tripped and fell just as I was running out of the bank holding the cash, for without him, we’d be eating Ramen.”
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..The Epic Tale Of Ninja Squirrel

ColinP November 21, 2012 at 8:33 am

“So, some of the dishes were poisoned. If you aren’t dead at the end of the meal just know that I love you best.”

“You are all here… in my house… again… Seriously, why in the fuck do you keep coming back here? Didn’t the sign on the door, you know the one that says ‘Do not fucking enter’ give you a clue? ”
ColinP recently posted..Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012)

Jaclyn November 21, 2012 at 8:36 am

… So even though I had the shits all through cooking this meal, I’m pretty sure I’m not contagious.

… Fuck all y’all anyway.

… And I DVR’d the entire season of King of Queens for us to watch after dinner!

… Finally, let’s give thanks that To Catch a Predator is no longer filming new episodes, or at least half of you wouldn’t be here with us today.
Jaclyn recently posted..Hop on Pop

Carrie November 21, 2012 at 8:42 am

….”I’m her REAL Mother, I birthed her” This actually happened a couple years ago when my Mother, feeling jealous and bolstered with enough White Russians to down “The Dude” randomly blurted this out across the table to my Mother-in-law. Good times.

Leauxra November 21, 2012 at 11:17 am

“… and so this is what we call a ‘Tofurkey’.”
Leauxra recently posted..The Time I Almost Accidentally Prostituted Myself for Sushi

Kathleen November 21, 2012 at 11:42 am

“So, actually, Thanksgiving is tomorrow. This is an intervention, which…you are obviously to drunk to appreciate.”
“I’m making homemade Botox with the leftovers!”

Ninja Mom November 21, 2012 at 11:54 am

. . . but I wouldn’t lick grandma’s twat if I were you.”

” . . . to say thanks be to God that grandpa no longer has the sharts. Dig in!”

” . . . I rather spend Thanksgiving with you folks than the homeless meth addicts at St. Claire’s Halfway House. Nope, wait, it’s I’d rather spend Thanksgiving with the homeless. Where are my index cards?”
Ninja Mom recently posted..Thankful for my featherless chicken.

Jen November 21, 2012 at 12:10 pm

“. . .I think the takeaway from all of this is that Mom is a whore.”

“. . .if by ‘vegan’ you mean as dry and meaningless as a nun’s twat, then yes. The stuffing is vegan.”

“. . .and that is the story of how the Native Americans gave us the gifts of corn, maple syrup, and video poker. Amen.”
Jen recently posted..Family Ties (With more Turkey and Less Tina Yothers)

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd November 21, 2012 at 12:16 pm

“…as the pilgrims said at the very first Thanksgiving *raises both middle fingers* sit and spin, mother fuckers, sit and spin.”
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..I Love-Hate You, Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

Winopants November 21, 2012 at 12:58 pm

“Let us be thankful that we are all here together, that Domino’s Pizza was still open, and that the grease fire only took out the patio furniture.”
Winopants recently posted..Leo, Buckets of Drool, and Other Alter Egos

Winopants November 21, 2012 at 3:01 pm

“I’ll be distributing voting sheets at the end of the meal, so that we can decide whose dish this year is the best. We’ll have to write in uncle Jimbo’s nacho casserole though- that was a last minute entry.”
(Grabs champagne bottle) “I will now “pour one” for grandma. May your knitting and needlepoint be forever gansta,’ grammy. Peace.”
Winopants recently posted..Leo, Buckets of Drool, and Other Alter Egos

Laura November 21, 2012 at 1:03 pm

“Is that blood or cranberry sauce?”

“The rolls aren’t the only buns in the oven, I can cook rolls so how had can a baby be?”

“”And thanks to the Power Bar Foundation for donating this low fat and high carb meal consisting entirely of energy bars.”

“And we all learned this year that deep frying the turkey doesn’t work in the kitchen sink.”

“Luckily there’s plenty of PB&J to go around.”
Laura recently posted..I love my family

Dana the Biped November 21, 2012 at 1:33 pm

“…Why is there still a turkey in the freezer? And where is the dog?”
“…And that’s why the turkey is dressed in drag.”
Dana the Biped recently posted..This is My Obligatory Thanksgiving Post.

mosura November 21, 2012 at 3:06 pm

“… and extra thankful Grandpa took his hand off my thigh for five seconds.”
“…all a bunch of racist shitkickers. In conclusion, fuck you. I’m taking the pie.”
“…so glad Mama had the wherewithal to hit that bitch with the giant peppermint stick or we’d be eating fish sticks tonight. Again. Amen.”
“…it’s not so bad. Mikey is a gay performance artist with Grandpa’s hand on his thigh.”
mosura recently posted..And now for something completely different

Jessica November 21, 2012 at 10:33 pm

“Don’t worry, I washed my hands when I was cookin’, but anything I got can be fixed with antbioticals”

“Has anyone seen grandma’s lower dentures? Smart money’s on the mashed potatoes.”

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