Joke-Off: Realistic Girl Scout Badges

11/07/2012 · 22 comments

in Joke Off

Every Wednesday, I start a Joke-Off about a topic I make up (or one you guys suggest). On Thursday, we all vote on who’s the funniest bitch of the week based on these submissions. If you want to play, just add in your submission in the comments!

I was a Girl Scout once, and I earned an assload of really useless badges like Friendships, Arts, Horsemanship, and Aggressive Sales Practices. It was fine, but the older I got the more I realized…fuck those badges. They didn’t teach me anything about life, my future, or how to really and truly conduct myself as a responsible young woman. Let’s correct that for the future.

 Joke-Off: Realistic Girl Scout Badges

  • Saying No To Sorostituting
  • My Skirt’s Longer Than My Labia!
  • Troll Doll: Is He Trolling Or Is He Just A Fuckface?
  • Stress Less Unless You Want To Have It All, You Lazy Bitch
  • Yarn And Fabric Arts And Learning To Appreciate The Subtle Beauty of Liz Lemon
  • All About Bros
  • Law And Order: Is Not As Good As Law and Order SVU
  • Being My Best Means Not Listening To Ann Coulter
  • The Choice Is Yours: I Don’t Care If It Doesn’t Feel The Same, You’re Going To Wear a Condom
  • I Can Leave Well Enough Alone!
  • Choices And Voices: Stronger Than Taylor Swift’s Influence
  • Media Savvy: Alcohol And Multimedia Contact With Others
  • The Lure Of Language: Accents Are Sexy No Matter What He’s Saying
  • Women’s Issues: You’re Never Going To Be Good Enough, So Just Get Knocked Up Already
  • Outdoor Survival On Black Friday
  • Public Relations And Learning To Say No To Parties You Don’t Want To Go To Because Damn, These Sweatpants Are So Comfy
  • Understanding Yourself And Others: Everyone Is An Asshole
  • It’s Date Rape!
  • Travel Fun: Basic Airline Decency Means No Farting In The Full-Body Scanner
  • Fitness Can Be Fun: Just Kidding, It’s Not That Great
  • Hipster Spotter
  • Games For a Lifetime: BlackJack And Craps
  • Healthy Relationships Aren’t Modeled After Disney Characters
  • If He Smokes In Jr. High, You Don’t Want Him
  • Softball: Being Prepared For Undeserved And Ridiculous Sexual Orientation Comments
  • Listening To The Past: Grandpa’s On A Bender Again
  • Science Is Fun But C’Mon You’re A Girl So Study Sewing Or Something Already
  • You Are What You Read: All About Meyer-Fever
  • Computer Fun Means Not Caring About The Kardashian’s Latest Twat-Filler
  • Let’s Get Cooking On Something More Substantial Than Mac-N-Cheese And Hot Dogs
  • Rocks Rock But Never Sleep With The Drummer
  • My Body Is Not For Instagramming
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Lacey Foland: “I was cut off on the freeway by this bitch in an Escalade (which was at least three times the size of my Scion) so that she could get to the offramp fractions of a second before me. Once we were both off the freeway, she had the audacity to flip *me* off. Me. The person *she* cut off. Then we were stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic for six blocks. The whole time we were in traffic she was cursing at me with her windows down so loud I could hear her even with my windows up and the radio on. She was blue in the face by the time I got in the turn lane, smiled and waved, and left her behind to choke on her own bile.” 
Misty November 7, 2012 at 7:49 am

If he says he loves you, he’s just trying to get into your pants. And no, he won’t call you the next day.

Screw making fires, let’s learn something really useful . . . like being able to distill river water into vodka.

If you’re pretty, you don’t need skills or learning. Just marry rich.

The art of blowjobs.
Misty recently posted..Vote for November 7th!!

Jaclyn November 7, 2012 at 8:34 am

Convincing others you’re “not that drunk!” when you are obviously really, really drunk

How to be a good designated driver- aka: I’m the least drunk person in my group of friends right now

Sexting

How to get out of speeding tickets using your tears/boobs

Hating your body: the modern woman’s guide to never feeling good enough

Text Speak: How to make everyone besides other young girls hate you

Bieberology
Jaclyn recently posted..Stormpacalypse

abby November 7, 2012 at 9:10 am

Successful removal of anal beads.

Helping a senior citizen sign their fortune away.

Spanx: The Art of Not Breathing

Successfully morphing into a 20-something Douche Nozzle

Being A Conservative: Successfully alienating half your friends on facebook.

Being a Democrat: Successfully alienating half your friends on facebook.

Refusing to Vote: Successfully alienating everyone.
abby recently posted..A Bond That Cannot be Broken. Because if you try, they’ll kill you and stuff you.

Laura November 7, 2012 at 10:29 am

How To Get Out Of PE Without Using Your Period As An Excuse

Pop Music: What Innuendos Mean

How To Hold Back Hair When Your Friend Is Puking

Talking Someone Into Buying Something They Don’t Want

Not Sounding Like An Idiot In Front Of Guys

Chicks Before Dicks 101
Laura recently posted..This is not a real blog post- – -

Jen November 7, 2012 at 11:41 am

*Eating Your Feelings Can Be Fun!

*Planking

*Advanced Prairie Dogging

*Stephenie Meyer Book Burning Badge

*Inner Beauty Is For Ugly People
Jen recently posted..Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken: The Campus Edition

Kelly November 7, 2012 at 11:57 am

I’m not even going to bother. Jen, I smell another victory in your future.

Janene November 7, 2012 at 11:10 pm

I know, right? Although I like Laura’s “Not sounding like an idiot in front of the guys”….

Dana the Biped November 7, 2012 at 12:35 pm

-Shaken, not stirred: how to tell if your drink’s been roofied
-Solitaire Champion: how to make it look like you’re working
-Popcorn will get you killed: corporate lunchroom etiquette
-Pants: If your buttcrack shows, you’re doing it wrong
-Ballbusting
-The art of the double-tap: surviving the zombie apocalypse
Dana the Biped recently posted..I Don’t Care If You Call It Soda or Pop–This Is Still War.

kelli November 7, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Fashion: do black and brown make a frown? and white pants are NEVER ok.
Voice Mail: yes people will still leave messages instead of texting.
Our Bodies, Ourselves: is 16 REALLY too young for a nose and/or boob job?

Winopants November 7, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Settle for less: Finding Prince Charming’s fuggly second cousin

Ass kissing for profit: Adapting to enemy-making and the taste of butt sweat

Procrastination: Throwing your dreams away one Facebook post at a time

Majoring in liberal arts: How to prepare for the restaurant and retail workforce
Winopants recently posted..Beware the Ann Coulterbiest

Allie November 7, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Legitimate Rape: How to shut that whole thing down.

The art of removing a dry tampon.

Helping him find your clitoris based on the North Star.

How to pray away the gay.

How to pray away a positive pregnancy test.

How to pray away an STD.

Leggings: Yep, that’s my labia!

Making latte art and other things to do with your print journalism degree.
Allie recently posted..Just. Vote.

Cheryl S. November 7, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Chemistry 101: Vodka, bad decisions, and the morning after pill

English 101: What he says vs. What he means. What he says — Basically anyting. What he means — please let me get in your pants.

Statistics: 1 in 4 girls is a slut. Can’t figure out which friend it is? Then it’s you.

Sassy Viv November 7, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Fuck Sticks: Bigger, Brighter Fires With Dynamite
Trick Turning
Building Solar-Powered Dildos
Sassy Viv recently posted..Just Say Fork

Anna November 7, 2012 at 4:00 pm

* Stick Shift & Precision Driving in Heels
* Fuck A Bunch Of Pointy Shoes & Not Have Malformed Feet
* Balls & How To Rip Them Off If Attacked
* Drop ‘Em Like It’s Hot – “Like” – “Um” – “I’m Sorry”
* Cookin’ With Gas – The Art of Blowing Things Up
* Self-Love: Masturbation Sans Vibrators
* Orgasms: Getting Yours First
* Blow-Jobs, Not Vacuum-Action
* Yes, I Give Legendary Blow-Jobs, But That Doesn’t Mean You’re Getting One Right Now
* Fuck Off Mean Boss, I Quit – I Can Do Way Better!
* Kama Sutra Scholar – Knowing More Than Just Missionary & Doggie Style
* Being Whiny Gets You Nowhere

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd November 7, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Lying to your dentist about having flossed
Sucker punches
Fart denial poker face
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Be Unspired III

Anna November 7, 2012 at 4:48 pm

And one more –

* Twat-Nozzle Identification: Bitches To Avoid

Johi November 7, 2012 at 5:47 pm

*Making “Good Choices” does not start with Jagermeister.
*Personal Hygiene 101- refusing to shave your legs and pits does not make you French. It makes you single.

*How to break up with a douche: “It’s not me, it’s you.”

*Sleeping with 100 men does not solve “daddy issues”.

*The PADS badge- “People Against Duck-Face Self-Portraiture”. Making it stop one facebook profile picture at a time.

*Swearing. Not so great for educational purposes, but it sure is fun on the Internet and with Granny.

*Needlepoint, the Lifetime Movie Channel and cats= a very lonely day, indeed.

*No matter what the television tells you, white pants are NOT for periods.

*Collecting figurines is not okay. Ever.

*Choose your friends wisely. Choose your husbands even more wisely.

*Always carry a weapon in your purse.

and finally…. not really kidding on this last one:

*Loving yourself, in spite of yourself.
Johi recently posted..What’s been up with this buttercup.

Bill G. November 7, 2012 at 7:26 pm

First period. You earn an additional oakleaf cluster if you have to walk out of a party with a friend’s jacket tied around your waist.

G13 November 7, 2012 at 7:35 pm

- Eating Elephant: how to keep trying even though, let’s be honest, you will never ever get your shit together

– It’s just a job: keeping your sanity while working with idiots

– Bitch Focus: productive channeling of your inner bitch for fun and profit

Janene November 7, 2012 at 11:20 pm

* how to make boring pointless meetings more exciting again: doodling with pink pens and pizzazz

* knowing how to use your “filter” voice: less honesty, more filler

* how to turn ‘business casual’ into slut-wear

FFW November 13, 2012 at 1:11 am

Patches I wish existed for my daughter’s troop:

*Inappropriate needlecraft for fun and profit
*Approved box wine varietals
*Not a Needy Bitch
*Constructive Swearing
*Shank-a-bitch
*Leave no trace: a primer to fire starting
*Hobo liquor drive participant (Actually, my 8-year old wants to give “all our crappy food” to the hobos, so we can go buy good stuff)

BTW, as a Leader, I thank you all for the suggestions-there IS a “make-your-own-badge” option…
FFW recently posted..Mall Jail, Part 2

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