What God Hath Joined Together, Let No Woman Re-Pin Without An Original Source: 5 Things I Wish I’d Known Before My Wedding

10/22/2012 · 29 comments

in Psychological Warfare, Sadist Vagina, Social Services, What Is Wrong With Me, What Is Wrong With You?

When people say, “high school was the best time of my entire life,” I feel so sorry for them because DAMN, life is so much more than 4 years of awkward and smelly and sports. I feel the same way when I hear women talk about weddings.

“It’s my day, and it will be the greatest day of my entire life.”
“I have never had a better day than my wedding day.”
“My whole life has been leading up to this point.”

So, so sad.

And…I was once one of these bitches.

When I got married, I lost my tulle-forsaken mind. Many brides do; there’s a lot of societal pressure to be unique and individual and have every last detail pinned down to the nth degree because it’s YOUR WEDDING, WHORE, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

And you know what? It was too much for too little. I worried about what people would think of our make-your-own-burrito station or about the lack of a quality sound system. I worried about whether or not to get the ribbon on my dress in black or white, and if it would rain that day and Just. Ruin. Everything. I knew I’d gone too far when I worried about if Adrian would do a good enough job decorating the reception site to my liking. To accept how much of an asshole I was when I got married was a bitter pill to swallow. I cringe when I remember it still today.

I really, really wish someone would have shared a few key pieces of information with me before I started planning.

Not A Goddamn Bit Of This Will Matter Now Or In The Future

I know it’s your only wedding, and you want it to be memorable. However, hundreds of hours devoted to the last tiny detail of memorable trinkets for guests mean that planning now becomes work, and you have wasted your fucking time.

I know that your kind-of-friend Jane’s wedding was incredible and you want something that great. Jane’s place cards were hawk feathers pulled from the hawk that flew over them on their first date, her cake was flavored with the same vanilla bean that grew outside the balcony where he proposed, her dress was made from Mother Theresa’s head covering. Wow, right? Jane’s wedding sure was magical and memorable.

Her bouquet toss was really hawkward though.

Oh, wait, no–all of that is fucking ridiculous. All of that work she did, all of that memorable flash is a way to validate their couplehood to the world. They must physically prove how much more they are in love than you, so everything at their wedding must have perfect ‘meaning,’ which devalues it absolutely.

It’s posturing. It’s throat-fucking you with how unique and amazing and how in love they are–and it’s 100% bullshit. It’s just like buying a custom-painted Lamborghini, or a diamond-studded iPhone, or a Giraffe specially trained to lube you.

I’m not saying that you have to do everything the same as everyone else. I’m not saying that the things in your wedding shouldn’t have meaning. I’m saying to think about what really matters–a wedding that you actually remember for the right reasons, or a wedding where you feel superior to everyone.

No, Really. None Of This Matters.

Even though you’ll hear it a million times and you fucking know already, take heed to your grandmother’s wise words, “The only thing that matters in a wedding is that you have a stable relationship.” Truth.

No amount of DIY, no amount of tiny details, no amount of Jicama flown in special for this occasion from the asshole of uninhabited nations will make. Those hours you spend worrying over the hand-lettering of the invitations is wasted. The days you spend stressed about the color of the bows on the pews is wasted. The entire year you spend worrying if your circus side-show wedding will come together in the most minute detail and hope ring bearer doesn’t puke and your sister drops five pounds–IT DOESN’T MATTER.

Just like the Nielsen ratings.

You are not the center of the world, and neither is your wedding.

No One But You Cares About Your Wedding, So Stop Being Such An Asshole

Just you, punkin. Everyone else is tired of hearing about how chic and modern and rustic and cool and urban and swag and fancy and casual and hipster and African and work-campy and plagiarized your wedding is going to be. Fucking SHUT UP already and remember that this is your wedding; just you and your intended. The guests are only there for you. They are there to see you say, “Yup, I’mma gonna do this shit foreva with you,” and not for your hand-blown glass angel statuettes lining the aisle–they probably stepped on a few and broke ‘em.

No more crying jags about the candy station. No more complaining endlessly about the gown fittings. No more whining about how he doesn’t want to wear a green tie.

The ribbons are chartreuse and not pearlescent so now I have to die in the woods. 

Shut down Pinterest, pour yourself some rum, and remember that you and your relationship are more than the sum of this day.

Perspective, bitches.

In 6 Months, Even You Will No Longer Care

This was the biggest slap in the face for me. I thought I was above the crazy. I thought I had it all figured out in a nice balance of fun and personal and wedding and family. I mean, I had my reception in a 30’s Theatre-Turned-Parking-Garage for Martha Stewart’s sake. How could I possibly not care about this moment forever and ever?

Answer: I can not care pretty easily, because it was just another day.

I look back on that day, and I really wish I would have just gone to Italy and gotten married in some field with just the two of us, because the only thing I still actually care about from my wedding–aside from the part where I got married–is the photos. Even then, only because my husband has a terrible memory and needs photos to remember what to buy at the grocery store, much less our wedding.

6 months after your wedding, no details will matter. Your dress will now be out of style. Your hair will never have been just right. Your decor will suddenly seem like a huge waste of fucking time and money–because it was. I can say with 100% confidence now that I could take or leave every detail from our wedding.

I did it wrong. I focused on the wrong things. And now, my only regret about my wedding is caring too much about it.

I also kind of regret the severe lack of snow-cones that day. 

Ferris Bueller Was Right

Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

You’re gonna have a wedding, and it’s gonna be so fucking personal and so fucking great and there’s nothing I can say to stop you from doing that. I know. I’ve been there.

If you must have that wedding with those flowers and that aisle runner and that specific $4,000 cake, fine, but do me one favor–don’t spend your whole wedding day wrapped up in the details, because I promise you that it won’t matter. Spend your day with your family, with your friends, with your new spouse, because memories of the people there will be the only thing that matter, and if you focus on the details, those memories will not be made. Don’t spend your day forcing fun at your wedding–spend your day talking to your family and friends, hugging them, engaging with those who love you enough to be there.

Those who love you enough to risk certain tragic mason jar explosions.

You will have other parties, other times to wow people with your DIY prowess, but you will never be able to go back and get one more dance from your Dad, or one more hug for your Mother-In-Law, one more minute spent staring at this other person who is as crazy as you and said, “Yeah, we’re in this together.”

In your life, it is far more important to be present in the people, not in the things.

What do you think, looking back on your wedding, or looking forward towards it? What would you have changed or not changed?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From AshleySmashes: “My pubic hair doesn’t grow in that shape. AM I DOING PUBIC HAIR WRONG?!” 
Winopants October 22, 2012 at 2:10 am

Love you. Seriously. I’ve been saying this shit about weddings for a while now, and I haven’t even been married. All the ones I’ve been to were just extravagant photo shoots with copious pedestal-posing by the bride. The only time I’ve enjoyed them was when I was merely an acquaintance of the couple. When it’s been a friend, I’ve come home disappointed cause I usually got a chance to say two words to them before they got whisked away for another pic. Personally I’d rather get married in a Vegas chapel surrounded by hobos then make my friends and family stressed out or feel like shit.
You forgot to mention one thing: Money!!!! 20,000 is the going rate for a simple wedding around these parts. Holy crap I’d rather jab myself with a hot poker then spend that much money on a foofy dress, flowers and those favors for guests that no one takes home. Send me to Hawaii for a month or two instead, now that would be worthwhile!
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Christine from FLY FISH CHICK October 22, 2012 at 2:58 am

with two weddings under my belt I can 100% agree it’s about the marriage, not the wedding. my first wedding was an 800 person super formal circus. #2 was small, immediate family only, on a friday night and perfectly imperfect. I only did the parts I wanted to do. I refused to register for gifts because I refused to deal with thank you notes

terrible way to start a marriage buried under the guilt of producing countless stilted hand-cramping thank you notes
Christine from FLY FISH CHICK recently posted..I’m Actually Better Looking At The Horseshoe Lounge

Mayor Gia October 22, 2012 at 7:07 am

Ha! Very appropriate time of year – last weekend was a big wedding weekend. Solid advice, methinks!
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Carrie October 22, 2012 at 8:19 am

My parents gave me the option of a large wedding or some help with the downpayment on a house. We’ve been in our house for over seven years now, beats the shit out of one day for a wedding. I never regret getting married at the court house, just me and my man. For some reason women loose all sense when the word wedding comes up. Practical, smart woman become two year olds throwing temper tantrums over hem lines and place cards, so stupid.

Abby October 22, 2012 at 8:22 am

I recently got married, and all I heard the entire time was about how stressed I would be on the day. Some friend even told me about how on the day, she refused to get dressed because she was just too stressed to do anything. I think they were all morons. yes, I went a little overboard with my wedding, but good lord WHO CARES WHAT COLOR THE NAPKINS ARE????? That was apparently a big deal. They were cream instead of the requested gold, and you would’ve thought from the bitch fit my wedding party was throwing that the Earth remaining on its axis relied on those napkins being an exact shade of gold. I gave zero fucks about those napkins, and laughed when my mom revealed she’d accidentally left my underskirt at home. I didn’t care because I was getting married. And that was just damn exciting lol

Misty October 22, 2012 at 8:22 am

Oh man. All of this. Yes. I became a bridezilla, even though I swore that would never be me. I even uttered the worstest of all worstest phrases at one point during the planning . . . “I’m the Bride!!” Without any irony, whatsoever. Yeah, that’s how far gone I was. And in the end? None of it mattered. The good news was that as stressed as I was about every detail being perfect, on the morning of, I woke up completely serene and at peace, and didn’t give a shit about anything that was going to happen. I was just happy that I was finally going to be done with it and be married to my best friend. So so so many things went wrong that day, but who cares? At the end of the day, all the stress and planning was over and I was finally married. If I had to do it again, though, totally eloping to Vegas and being married by Fauxlvis!! We had to pay off that sucker for YEARS.
Misty recently posted..The Language of Love

Janene October 22, 2012 at 9:33 am

We had our 25 guest wedding at my husband’s small country church, and our reception was at a very posh local restaurant who worried about all of the food, place settings, and other trivial details for me. After it was all said and done, my hb and I went strawberry picking. It was a beautiful day that I’ll always remember, despite the marriage going down the tubes five years later.

Jen October 22, 2012 at 10:36 am

In retrospect, I probably would have married someone who wouldn’t wind up sleeping with the next-door neighbor. . .and our realtor. . .and my cousin. Oh, yeah. And I wouldn’t have a pasta bar. Because, you know. . .reasons.
Jen recently posted..Love Means Never Having to Say "I’m Sorry For Puking on Your Shoes"

Jaclyn October 22, 2012 at 1:07 pm

You are so wise, Noa.

I did not enjoy my wedding. At all. There was a major culture clash between our families, and I made it my problem to solve it. And there was a toilet water flood into my reception. Just in general, I worked so hard and spent so much time on a day I did not spend a single moment actually enjoying.

And okay, is it just me or is the whole part where everyone stares at you for an entire day just about the most uncomfortable thing ever? I basically went back and forth between feeling embarrassed and annoyed.

AshleySmashes October 22, 2012 at 1:30 pm

I got married in March in the courthouse parking lot. We just handed the dude our marriage certificate, and he filled it out in his car because it was windy. We didn’t even have to say anything. It was magical.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd October 22, 2012 at 1:51 pm

I got married at the county courthouse with both of our immediate family members in attendance. My parents wrote us a big check instead of paying for a wedding. I think the marriage license cost $20.00.

I have no negative memories about getting married because it was pretty much out of our hands. We had no control over how long the line was or how cluttered the guy’s desk was (it was REALLY cluttered) – for me, personally, I’ll take that over all of the stress-causing reasons you listed above.

Of course I’m also a hermit who doesn’t enjoy being the center of attention or wearing dresses, so truly, to each their own.
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Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) October 22, 2012 at 2:10 pm

First wedding I wore a pink mini sweater dress with a cowl neck, patterned tights, and Candie’s stilettos. My hair was huge, I was pregnant, and my entire family boycotted my wedding.

What I would have done differently: Not a damn thing.

Second wedding: Overlooking the pacific ocean with just my kids, my sister, my husband’s family.

What I would have done differently: I would have not started my period on my wedding day.

Other than that?

Perfection.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..When Being Awesome Nearly Killed Me

Lana October 22, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Thank you for at least letting go of the idea of making the entire bridal party learn the Thriller dance. You did just great on your own!! Your first dance was pretty great too!

Casey October 22, 2012 at 4:57 pm

We married on the shore of Lake Tahoe during mud season, expecting it to rain. Our ‘rents were semi-religious, so told them we were Pastafarians, and got my best friend to officiate using the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster book to confuse them. We rented a nine-bedroom house, so anyone who came from far had a place to stay. I have no clue how many people were there (20? 30?). Before the ceremony, we all did shots and took Xanax. Afterward, we secretively (so the ‘rents wouldn’t know) dosed ourselves and more than half the people there with THC-honey, drank every kind of booze on the planet, had a fantastic barbeque, piled up the cushions from all the couches in the house at the bottom of the stairs and rode plastic sleds down the stairs. My hubs passed out somewhere around 4am. I ran for bed when my friends noticed the sun was rising, falling down the stairs and tearing a tendon in my left ankle, so I hobbled through our whole Hawaiian honeymoon. I remember it mostly because of photos and videos, and I loved every minute of it.
You have thus been touched by His Noodly Appendage. RA-men

Misty October 22, 2012 at 5:03 pm

That was all kinds of rad. I wanna be you when I grow up!
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THK October 22, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Our wedding is coming up really fucking soon–November 10th. It didn’t take us very long into the planning to shut down any outsiders’ delusions of a white-dress-carnation-tullesplosion-Godstravaganza. We’re having a nerdy party that combines all the fun of being a five year old dickwad without a care in the world with all the fun of being an adult dickwad without a care in the world and legal permission to drink. Our wedding cupcakes are designed after our favorite boardgame, I’m wearing a superhero mask and a cape, and we’re walking down and up the “aisle” to video game themes.

And if bitches want to see us kiss, they have to roll a die and risk punishment for low rolls. One such punishment is called “UNDERPANTS OF SHAME.”

Yeah. We’re still five.
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JR October 24, 2012 at 12:08 pm

This, dammit. This is AWESOME.

Monica October 22, 2012 at 5:45 pm

My first wedding was a big thing. My second wedding was just me and my husband in Hawaii on a beach with a minister, a photographer and a videographer. My “dress” was a sarong and a halter top that cost a total of about $40. We spent our money where we wanted it — on a kickass vacation and the recording of the wedding. The photographer thought we’d be disturbed by some drumming off in the distance showing on the video, but I didn’t give a crap. I figured any day that ended with us married went off exactly as planned.

And it was awesome.
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Ally October 22, 2012 at 5:55 pm

I got married at Boston’s City Hall, in a dusty office. And it was perfect.
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Banana Stickers October 22, 2012 at 6:28 pm

What what what??? Trained Giraffe Lubers are a thing? JESUS CHRIST ON A POPSICLE STICK THAT IS AWESO…I mean.. yeah, I just want to get drunk in a pretty dress and have someone publicly announce that they think I’m swell enough to share life with until one of us dies forever and all that crap. Oh, and cake. Fuck yeah, cake.
Fortunately, I’m at a point in my life where I pretty much don’t give a shit if none of the above happen, though if it WERE to go down, my dream wedding would be at a giant lazer tag place and I would request that all the guests eat shrooms an hour before the festivities. And I’m kidding because lazer tag is expensive. Or because drugs are bad. One of those.
Banana Stickers recently posted..Take Off Your Pants Humor (WARNING: This post will make you itchy.)

Ami October 22, 2012 at 7:17 pm

I use to wish I’d done my wedding slightly bigger, although we and everyone else loved it. Then, I helped my sister with her DIY wedding (which was two weeks ago), and now, I’m so freaking happy my wedding was small. Oh. My. Freaking. God. I was more stressed over her wedding than I was with my own. All the decor, all the flowers, her bouquet…everything, I did by hand. Don’t get me wrong, it was gorgeous (to toot my own horn), but she turned very anal and very bridezilla. I was so relieved when that shit was done. Lol

Jaime October 22, 2012 at 9:19 pm

I have yet to get married because the whole idea of a wedding just seems terrifying to me… the cost, standing in front of people.. being in public. It’s all bad. I think if and when I do decide to get married to the bf …. it’ll be on a beach in the middle of effing nowhere or in Vegas. I’ll be wearing flip flops and there will be lots of shenanigans.
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FFW October 22, 2012 at 10:03 pm

There’s so many things that I would have done differently:
I would not have printed out programs, because the music got fucked up, and didn’t sync.
I would have worn less makeup-I looked like a clown prostitute.
I would have run from the altar mid-ceremony, and shown those bitches having the wet T-shirt contest at the community pool what was what. And, I would have dragged my betrothed, to appreciate my much-younger nubile rack one last time before I got knocked up.
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Desiree October 22, 2012 at 10:22 pm

We attempted the big wedding for about a minute. Once everyone was like ‘you can’t do it this day because I have a thing,’ ‘you can’t do it that day because Little Johnny has a soccer tournament,’ ‘you can’t do it that day because I’m getting my ass bleached’, I put a quick stop to all that bullshit and we eloped. My dress was a $99 David’s Bridal special, and it was just us, the photographer and the officiant in the Fort Worth Botanic Gardens. Every time people see the pictures they ask what enchanted forest did we get married in and I put on my best Texas twang and go “Fort Worth baby!”

We have no debt from our wedding, we had a kick-ass eight course dinner afterwards and three years and a baby later, we’re just as married as the idiots who paid kabillions of dollars for the Big Show.

Dana the Biped October 23, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Dude, if more people had snocones at their weddings, I’d be less likely to give them a recycled gift card I got two Christmases ago to that place I hate.
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DSmith October 23, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Could not agree more! I cannot believe the amount of time and cash people spend on weddings. Pinterest did not exist when I was getting married, and am so thankful – I feel like it would just make the need to be the best, and most creative, most original, whatever, so much worse. We got married in Vegas, and had a blast with some of our closest friends and family, but still wish we would have made it more laid back. If I got married again, would be on a beach in flip flops, high as a kite. With sno-cones.

Molly Dugger Brennan October 29, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I was a bridesmaid nine times and then married twice myself. Perfectly rational, professional women often slip into insanity once engaged and believe that the planets will align just so because they have mailed out engraved invitations. Won’t happen on any old Tuesday and perfection will not be achieved just because you’re having a bridal conniption fit. All that matters is that you’ve chosen the right mate. For the record, my favorite wedding of all I’ve been in was my own second when I got married at a drive through window in Vegas sitting in the back seat of a pink Cadillac convertible, just me and my man.
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