Thursday Throwdown: “Flirty” Texts You Don’t Want To Get

Every Wednesday, we do a Joke-Off about a topic I make up. On Thursdays, we vote on who is the funniest bitch of us all. Vote for up to five!

How many of you also read the submissions and thought, “oh yeah, I’ve gotten that one a few times,” and then felt kind of sad about your life? Just me? Cool. Also, I never realized how creepy it can be to hear, “I just wanna be inside you,” until I read it 100 times.

Joke-Off: “Flirty” Texts You Don’t Want To Get

I hate competition so I hid your vibrator. You can try to find it later (hint: it’s somewhere in my body)

I love the way your neck feels between my hands when I squeeze.

Metallica just came on the radio–always reminds me of your tender loving.

Just had a snack of Vienna Sausages, and now I can’t stop thinking about you.

Good news! Got that broken molar fixed up, so Mr. Big won’t get all scratched up anymore. Come home soon so we can take advantage of the Novacaine!

Hey Sexy… My herpes outbreak is clearing up, just for YOU.

My junk is all red cuz I’m so hot for you, Baby.

I want you almost as much as I love my car.

Good news, my mom thinks you’re “the one”!

Have you seen my watch? I think I left it inside you.

I stole your underwear. I want to save it for later.

You are the Abbott to my Costello, the Ren to my Stimpy, the genital warts to my lady garden. We were made for each other.

I fantasize about you when I poop.

I think you are so sexy, just like my mother.

I can’t wait until you come home, so you can go get me a sandwich and beer.

That’ll do pig. That’ll do.

I can’t wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you’re mine.

Just a scab, not herpes. See you later?

I know your sister is only 10, but do you think she would be into a 3 way?

Put some lotion on and come over baby, I can’t wait to make a skin suit out of you.

Fully stocked the paper bags and vodka.

Its finally hard. Hurry up, we have 10 minutes.

3 words. Beer, Football, Sex. You have 15 minutes until half time…. I am almost out of beer. On second thought, better just go to the store and grab me a two-four.

All this stalking is making me horny. It’s you now, dead or alive.

I trimmed, now let’s do this.

I’ll be your Mister Right Now, if you’ll be mine. *hands me a strap on*

“I am male. I have car. I’m not interested in sex. I want to develop relationship first.”

Full size Barney outfit just came in the mail, get over here so I can make you roar.

Just finished The Lovely Bones, come see what kind of bone I’ve got for you!

I can’t get that pic of Honey Boo Boo’s mom out of my head, bring the video camera and let’s make our own ‘reality show’ baby!

Wow babe. That blowjob was so great, I barely felt the burns from my genital wart treatments.

What? I never said the carpet matched the drapes. Who wants to look at grey drapes?

Just took a Uristat! It’s go time!

Come on over to my office and I’ll fill you in.

I want it in the ass tonight…oops, that was for your father!

We’re out of whipped cream, so I’m waiting in bed covered in barbecue sauce.

You talk purtier than a 30 dollar whore.

I’ve got the Ben Gay if you’ve got the mouthwash.

My loins are ablaze for you… but don’t worry, I started my Valtrex prescription today.

I’ve got a wire hanger with your name on it that says we don’t need to use a condom tonight!

All done with “anal irrigation.” Hurry up!

I cleaned out the van!

ME+ YOU = FUCK. NOW.

I’ve got a new tarp, let’s get busy baby.

I could get lost inside you.

You make me sweat so much I’m considering asking my physician about prescription strength antiperspirant.

I’m so hot for you I’m willing to overlook your frequent yeast infections.

Your dad must be an astronaut because I wanna do your Black Hole.

I’ll bang you like a tater cellar door in a Tennessee Twister.

Let’s play ‘Growing Pains’. You be Carol Seaver and I’ll be Boner.

When you mentioned taking precautions, I didn’t realise you meant tying my ankle to the doorframe first!!

Would you mind doggy style?? It’s just that you’re a dead ringer for my sister.

You looked so hot in that lingerie this morning baby. Oh, FYI your window box needs watering.

Just bought you an enormous new vibrator with three speeds, and a spandex gimp suit. What time does your geography class finish??

you’re so beautiful, in the right light, did you maybe wanna bang, but only by candlelight…?

Roses are red, violets are blue, you are like a cow, except you don’t go moo.

My love for you is like diarrhea- I just can’t hold it in

you look really good today in that purple shirt (from a stranger)

do your hair like that, it looks sexy (from a stranger)

I think it’s time to change your air freshener (also from a stranger)

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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) October 25, 2012 at 6:51 am

These are hilarious. I’m not worthy.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Three days in the Twilight Zone

Sassy Viv October 25, 2012 at 10:00 am

Gross! And FANTASTIC!
Sassy Viv recently posted..THAT’S LIFE UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Just Jane October 25, 2012 at 10:02 am

I will never watch “Growing Pains” the same way again. And why was that kid called Boner anyway? What kind of parent names their kid Boner?

Janene October 25, 2012 at 11:19 am

The same parents who name their kids “Flash” and “Spring” with the family last name being Flood. Seriously. You can’t make that shit up.

Jen October 25, 2012 at 11:41 am

Mike Seaver met Boner at the bus stop on his first day of kindergarten (flashback episode). He introduced himself as Sylvester Stabone and Mike said “Sylvester? That’s a stupid name. I know! We’ll call you ‘Boner’!”

Fuck. . .why do I know this?
Jen recently posted..How to Not Suck in College

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) October 25, 2012 at 2:41 pm

I’m so glad you answered that instead of me. I’m horrified that I know that, too… and that Matthew Perry was Carol’s boyfriend who got killed by a drunk driver.

Don’t even get me started on Alan Thicke trivia.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Three days in the Twilight Zone

Jen October 25, 2012 at 2:50 pm: The boyfriend Sandy! And he was the one who had been drinking. Another cautionary tale from a “very special” Growing Pains.

“The more you knooooooooooow…”
Jen recently posted..How to Not Suck in College

Natalie the Singingfool October 25, 2012 at 11:46 am

Personally, the idea of anyone covered in BBQ sauce gets me all…disturbed. Yes, disturbed is the word I was looking for.
Natalie the Singingfool recently posted..So I Wasn’t in NY Just to Sight See and Take Strange Pictures for You…

Dana the Biped October 25, 2012 at 12:33 pm