Reviews Of Products Given By The People In The Photos: Modern Furniture

10/01/2012 · 19 comments

in What Is Wrong With You?


“When I first saw the bathtub, I assumed it would be useful for bathing and relaxation just like any other you might choose. This bathtub is a huge dick, and consistently bullied my ginger roommate. Every time she tried to step into the tub for a nice soak, it was all, “Hey StrawberryShortSnatch,” and “What shakin’ flappin’ bacon?” Totally not cool, Kohler–that hurts people’s feels okay? Was forced to return it when my roommate starting wearing clothes and self-harming on the tile just so she could bathe. Lames. Next time we get a tub, we’re going to put it entirely behind the wall instead of just 3/4 of the way–aaaaannnd we’ll be making sure it’s tolerant of all peoples.

The finish on the tub was nice though–easy to clean!”

Writing Desk

“My God, I’ve never hated anything more than this writing desk, and I know design. I mean, look at my size-ordered books and magazines and their perfect non-chromatic scale distribution. I’m telling you, I would rather help Hitler find his prostate and then help him rub Mentholatum on it with my own toothbrush than use this motherfucker again. I’d rather teabag Mother Teresa while fisting Nelson Mandela. I use it hatefully and sparingly because whenever I do, I wang my kneecaps into oblivion on the ridiculously ill-placed drawers. I want to find the designer who decided that no one would mind spread-eagling over a filing cabinet while editing a memo. Reflective varnish also fused with my super-heated Macbook battery, creating the saddest version of Voltron anyone could hope for. I even had to assemble this pile of AIDS-riddled design jizz myself. Thumbs down.”

Sofa (In Several Color Options)

“CANNOT LOVE THESE ENOUGH!!!!1!!!1!!  So super great for my busy family lifestyle! I never thought I would be able to find furniture for my dissociative personality disorder design scheme, but then there goes IKEA being all amazeballs again ROFLMAO! I really love how well it fits in with all the other mismatched fuckery that I slap around my house–nothing makes me feel more at home than utter chaos and a horse atop an armoire. Seriously perfect couch.

Bonus: The red one also doubles as a great least-favorite couch. We only allow our favorite kid to face the television on the white couch while the others have to sit on the red and imagine what is so great about TV and try to feel joy–you know, just like poor people watching people in speedboats LOL.”

Mirrored Wardrobe

“I don’t know what kind of Swedish witchcraft those bastards are trying to pull, but I swear to God every time I look in this mirror, I see a dystopian future where my daughter is wearing someone else’s skull over her own face while she clubs at gargoyles and feasts upon their stony livers. I don’t know what my daughter sees, but she laughs and babbles when she sees it, and I’m almost 100% sure that’s profiling. My wife and I can’t even look out our windows anymore without wondering if this is actually going to be her future via some kind of Narnia’s window horseshit or if IKEA is just a big fan of fucking with people. I live in fear each day of the gargoyles on the church across the street coming to life in the night and stealing the innocence of the world. Fiberboard was also chipped during shipping, and IKEA would not replace. Grrrrrr.”

Swinging Dining Table

“UGH. I had really high expectations for this geometric-chic industrialistic steampunk fitnatural table and “chairs” for my unbelievable Tribeca loft. I really hate to give poor review of anything (you can totally check my other Yelp reviews to see that I’m usually very nice), but I just had to say something about this abomination. The first time I invited my friends, Rosie and Charnya and Jennifer Lawrence, over for Chai and Ambien, I had hoped the child-like atmosphere of this table would be relaxing and invigorating all in one. Wrong! Not only is the varnish obscenely thin (hello water rings, UGH), I also found the table to be less conducive to childhood wonderment and MUCH more conducive to making everyone’s legs fall asleep. I mean, come on, I’m 6’3″ and 110 lbs–my legs are really long and pretty emaciated–and they should be able to touch the ground in this…but NOPE. Everyone spent the entire time pretending that I wasn’t directly responsible for their discomfort and sending pictures of their tea on Instagram with pass-aggress captions while holding mugs to their faces (except Rosie, who subscribes to the Desert-Method of eating, where nothing liquid can ever be consumed). I couldn’t even look them in the eyes. No amount of $43 hair wax can make up for the embarrassment and social decline this table has caused me. Don’t be a sheep. DO NOT BUY.”

Which of these would you want in your house? Any alternative reviews you think fit? Anything I missed reviewing in the photos?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Jen: “I can see that I have chosen an exemplary day to “work” from home. Huzzah!”
Mayor Gia October 1, 2012 at 7:08 am

Hahah the mirrored wardrobe is my fave description. Those swinging chairs look incredibly uncomfortable. You know why there’s no food on the table? Because it’d be IMPOSSIBLE to eat at that angle.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Everyday We Jackhammerin’

Misty October 1, 2012 at 7:52 am

Oh man, I NEED that red couch! I have boys that I am always trying to get to behave. I believe a punishment of only being able to hear the TV that the other brother gets to watch (that one being my favorite of the day) will really teach them respect for authority and the utter unfairness of the world.
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: YOU Strike Again!

psychofab October 1, 2012 at 8:23 am

Alt Mirrored Wardrobe: Now, at first I thought this wardrobe would be a fantastic addition to my quasi-heterosexually designed apartment. I’m a very devoted practitioner of self voyeurism, but I’ve always been greatly annoyed by the lack of viewpoints my mirrored ceiling gives me, and I was quite excited by the prospects this mirrored wardrobe held. Why, not instead of just getting a top down view, I can know what my fine physic looks like from the side as well. I don’t go to the gym five times a week for modesty, after all. But unfortunately I will have to return this viscious back-stabbing piece of furniture. As it turns out, I don’t want to see how many parts of me jiggle side-to-side during my vigorous lovemaking….and my partner said he saw a pimple on my ass. I mean she! She said…yeah.

Sarah October 1, 2012 at 8:38 am

I have nothing, other than the replaying thought, “Who the hell designed the swinging chairs? Who the hell thought that it was a good design idea to mix the dinner table and the swing set?”
Sarah recently posted..And Then the Twitter Gave Me a Vacuum…

Rachel October 1, 2012 at 9:33 am

The mirrored wardrobe reminded me of something: Last weekend I was using the bathroom at my friend’s house, and I looked up for some reason and noticed there was a mirror on the ceiling over the toilet. I was alarmed and confused, because seriously, who puts a mirror on the ceiling over a toilet? Over a bed, okay, I can see that. You want to look at yourself while having sexy times or while you’re doing some other activity in bed. But who wants to look up and watch themselves sit on a toilet? That’s just weird and uncalled for. Also, she’s lived there for over a year and claims she had no idea it was there. I’m not buying it, and now I’m worried about the freakiness of my friend.

Janene October 1, 2012 at 11:32 am

The swinging dinette set gives a whole new meaning to “eating in”. Or “take out”. Take your pick.

Abby October 1, 2012 at 11:48 am

The swinging dining room set obviously wouldn’t work because there’s not enough room to do “Underdogs” or leap off the swing at the height of the push, which are clearly the best parts of a swing. However, if they could implement some sort of slide that would directly deposit food onto my plate/into my mouth, I could get behind it.
Abby recently posted..Detour Ahead

SarcasticNinja October 1, 2012 at 11:51 am

Oh man. I could see that swinging dinette set severely damaging children attempting to swing in the seats. Or swing on the tabletop.
SarcasticNinja recently posted..The Holy Roman Emperor and the Mothra Hordes

Jen October 1, 2012 at 11:52 am

I firmly believe that IKEA was created by the Swedes in retaliation for the whole Vietnam War/Olaf Palme debacle of 1968. As long as they hold us captive with Allen wrenches and savory lingonberries we are at their mercy. Well played, Sweden. . .well played indeed. . .
Jen recently posted..Conversations With Jess: 6 Degrees ((and 28 Weeks)) Later

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd October 1, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Is that literally an umbrella or a light shaped like an umbrella in that swing table? I don’t understand what’s happening.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Super Friends Season 2, Episode 7, Storyline C – “Will Earth Collide”

Winopants October 1, 2012 at 12:22 pm

The sofa people don’t have enough furniture, looks like. Maybe they could squeeze in the weird swinging table into the kitchen, that would make the kiddies happy.
“Chai and Ambien” Brilliant.
Winopants recently posted..Box Monkeys and Fairy Machinations

Dana the Biped October 1, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Noa, you’ve saved the day yet again. I now have a term for my decorating style: “mismatched fuckery.” Somehow, it sounds so much smoother than “old shit.”
Dana the Biped recently posted..It’s Official. I’m a Grown-Up.

Shannon October 1, 2012 at 3:13 pm

My favorite is the bathtub. I’m going to try to work “Hey StrawberryShortSnatch” into at least one conversation tomorrow. Preferably at work (I hate this job anyway). Thanks for the laugh.

Ninja Mom October 1, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Sofa (In Several Color Options) is genius, Noa.

That is all.
Ninja Mom recently posted..Sitzpinkler! And other not nice words I call my son.

April October 2, 2012 at 10:31 am

If you look at the clock in the desk ad, it’s 12:15. Why is this person not at lunch? Clearly this ad is promoting eating disorders. Buy this desk, work through lunch, get skinny and lethargic! Obviously this desk does not promote productivity because if it did, you wouldn’t have to F-ing work through lunch!
April recently posted..Ireland Part 4 – Castles, Abbeys and Cliffs, OH MY!

Janene October 2, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Either that or the photo was shot during the midnight sun in Canada’s Arctic where it can be hella bright…

Valerie October 2, 2012 at 10:15 pm

That red couch would really hide the blood stains. I mean… Match.. my living room set.


Valerie recently posted..Winning rhymes with WINNING!!! July 25, 2013 at 1:57 am

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