“When I first saw the bathtub, I assumed it would be useful for bathing and relaxation just like any other you might choose. This bathtub is a huge dick, and consistently bullied my ginger roommate. Every time she tried to step into the tub for a nice soak, it was all, “Hey StrawberryShortSnatch,” and “What shakin’ flappin’ bacon?” Totally not cool, Kohler–that hurts people’s feels okay? Was forced to return it when my roommate starting wearing clothes and self-harming on the tile just so she could bathe. Lames. Next time we get a tub, we’re going to put it entirely behind the wall instead of just 3/4 of the way–aaaaannnd we’ll be making sure it’s tolerant of all peoples.
The finish on the tub was nice though–easy to clean!”
“My God, I’ve never hated anything more than this writing desk, and I know design. I mean, look at my size-ordered books and magazines and their perfect non-chromatic scale distribution. I’m telling you, I would rather help Hitler find his prostate and then help him rub Mentholatum on it with my own toothbrush than use this motherfucker again. I’d rather teabag Mother Teresa while fisting Nelson Mandela. I use it hatefully and sparingly because whenever I do, I wang my kneecaps into oblivion on the ridiculously ill-placed drawers. I want to find the designer who decided that no one would mind spread-eagling over a filing cabinet while editing a memo. Reflective varnish also fused with my super-heated Macbook battery, creating the saddest version of Voltron anyone could hope for. I even had to assemble this pile of AIDS-riddled design jizz myself. Thumbs down.”
Sofa (In Several Color Options)
“CANNOT LOVE THESE ENOUGH!!!!1!!!1!! So super great for my busy family lifestyle! I never thought I would be able to find furniture for my dissociative personality disorder design scheme, but then there goes IKEA being all amazeballs again ROFLMAO! I really love how well it fits in with all the other mismatched fuckery that I slap around my house–nothing makes me feel more at home than utter chaos and a horse atop an armoire. Seriously perfect couch.
Bonus: The red one also doubles as a great least-favorite couch. We only allow our favorite kid to face the television on the white couch while the others have to sit on the red and imagine what is so great about TV and try to feel joy–you know, just like poor people watching people in speedboats LOL.”
“I don’t know what kind of Swedish witchcraft those bastards are trying to pull, but I swear to God every time I look in this mirror, I see a dystopian future where my daughter is wearing someone else’s skull over her own face while she clubs at gargoyles and feasts upon their stony livers. I don’t know what my daughter sees, but she laughs and babbles when she sees it, and I’m almost 100% sure that’s profiling. My wife and I can’t even look out our windows anymore without wondering if this is actually going to be her future via some kind of Narnia’s window horseshit or if IKEA is just a big fan of fucking with people. I live in fear each day of the gargoyles on the church across the street coming to life in the night and stealing the innocence of the world. Fiberboard was also chipped during shipping, and IKEA would not replace. Grrrrrr.”
Swinging Dining Table
“UGH. I had really high expectations for this geometric-chic industrialistic steampunk fitnatural table and “chairs” for my unbelievable Tribeca loft. I really hate to give poor review of anything (you can totally check my other Yelp reviews to see that I’m usually very nice), but I just had to say something about this abomination. The first time I invited my friends, Rosie and Charnya and Jennifer Lawrence, over for Chai and Ambien, I had hoped the child-like atmosphere of this table would be relaxing and invigorating all in one. Wrong! Not only is the varnish obscenely thin (hello water rings, UGH), I also found the table to be less conducive to childhood wonderment and MUCH more conducive to making everyone’s legs fall asleep. I mean, come on, I’m 6’3″ and 110 lbs–my legs are really long and pretty emaciated–and they should be able to touch the ground in this…but NOPE. Everyone spent the entire time pretending that I wasn’t directly responsible for their discomfort and sending pictures of their tea on Instagram with pass-aggress captions while holding mugs to their faces (except Rosie, who subscribes to the Desert-Method of eating, where nothing liquid can ever be consumed). I couldn’t even look them in the eyes. No amount of $43 hair wax can make up for the embarrassment and social decline this table has caused me. Don’t be a sheep. DO NOT BUY.”
Which of these would you want in your house? Any alternative reviews you think fit? Anything I missed reviewing in the photos?– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Jen: “I can see that I have chosen an exemplary day to “work” from home. Huzzah!”