Literally In Bed With The Russian Mafia

10/29/2012 · 21 comments

in Adrian, How Did My Life Come To This, Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

My husband Adrian has been a martial artist since he was 9 years old. He’s talented and spent a long time learning and training–now he runs martial arts schools for a living. He’s a formidable sparring opponent, a very calm fighter, a frightening man to get in a fight with. I’ve seen him go toe-to-toe with champion fighters–and win.

Adrian also looks like Jesus. He’s absurdly kind-hearted and funny and caring and loving and considerate. He could never let harm come to an animal. In fact, he carries around our 8-pound dog more than anyone, allowing her to lay on his shoulders or lap for about 90% of the time he spends at home. He works hard to be a great husband, a great provider, and even offers to make breakfast sometimes (usually followed up with the question, “how do I make breakfast?”)

This is a fucking confusing dichotomy of a man. I get used to my nice, sweet Adrian, but sometimes he really fucking scares me.

1. Never Sneak Up On Adrian

Once, when we very first got together, I thought it would be super hilarious to sneak up on Adrian and scare him. He straight-punched me in the left tit without even seeing my face–a pure instinctual reaction. He grabbed me and started apologizing as I collapsed in pain. An inhuman, “WHOOOOOEEEEAAAAA,” coming out of my chest like a zombie dry-humping someone’s shrubbery, and I began to understand that it’s a poor idea to startle someone with good reflexes.

Lesson learned, nipple never quite the same.

2. Breaking Bad Would Be Very, Very Different With Adrian Around

During a break in a 4-day three-season Breaking Bad bender, I wondered what Adrian might do if put in a similar position as Walter White. What if we were in dire straits, and the only place left to turn for money and security was against the law? What would he choose to do? So I asked.

Without a moment’s hesitation: “Hitman. I’d be a good hitman. Given the right situation, I don’t really need a weapon. Just some gloves and a black bag over their head and bam–a million dollars.”

And then he took a drink of his double vodka sour like he hadn’t just told me he was a Russian mafioso.

3. Well, He Said He Didn’t Mean To 

A friend of mine recently got into, and won, a fight defending his girlfriend from the man who punched her in the fucking face like it was okay to punch a small, feminine stranger unprovoked. While I’ve seen Adrian spar with someone, I’ve never really seen him get into a true, honest-to-God fisticuffs street brawl.

“Adrian, what would you do if someone punched me in the face?”

“Probably kill him. I can’t say that I’d mean to, but that’s how it would probably end up. I’d most likely react like I do when you scared me that one time and just snap his fucking neck. Dead or not, he’d get his ass kicked for touching you. Pass the Twizzlers?”

I…sort of want to be punched in the face now.

4. He Said He Got It From A Lake? 

Last week, I returned home from a 3-day trip to find a huge sword laying on the bed. There was no note, no mention of him buying or winning-via-deathmatch this massive sword during the three separate conversations we had while I was away. Yet there it was, laying on the bed like it wasn’t even a thing.

Noa: Question.
Adrian: Answer.
Noa: Why is there a rapier on the bed?
Adrian: Protection.
Noa: Lot of home invasions get stopped by swordsmanship?
Adrian: Never know. I’d be more startled by it if I were a burglar.
Noa: Did you have to get one this huge? Or fancy?
Adrian: Sparkle, baby.
Noa: I…love you?

There has been no further explanation as to the appearance of the sword. I believe he may be challenging me to a duel.

Has someone in your life ever surprised you with something uncharacteristic like this? Is your angel-faced toddler kind of creepy at times? Your husband a closet interior decorator? Your sister a hidden yogi?

Winopants October 29, 2012 at 3:17 am

Ah, we were speculating on the meaning of the sword-left-on-bed thing after the enigmatic Facebook comment the other day…
My BF had his own sword moment at our last apartment. We had this giant, 6’5″ high school kid neighbor who liked to climb around on our roof. One night we heard the loud “thud, thud” that let us know he was up there. The BF, who is a stocky 5’7″, was a little tipsy that night and decided to handle the situation. He calmly grabbed his prized samurai sword and went outside. The big kid and his friend were out on the sidewalk, and my BF asked them if they’d seen anyone creeping around on the roof. He was hoping, he politely explained to them, that he didn’t have to deal with any “intruders.” They of course were dumbfounded at the sight of this dude with a sword and a crazy gleam in his eyes and said that, yes, of course, they would keep an eye out. We never heard the kid on the roof again. Only racoons after that.
Winopants recently posted..Kule “Loco”: How to Disrespect an Indian Village

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) October 29, 2012 at 7:45 am

My 4 lb Pomeranian, Javi, scares the shit out of all of us sometimes. Usually, he’s like the Fonz… he is the coolest little dog in the world. He’s all chill and shit and you know if he could talk, he’d call everybody “Dude.”

However, he hates my youngest son with the cool, calm, collected intensity of a Ninja. He’ll stand under the coffee table and stare until my son, who is a Marine, will begin to squirm and get uncomfortable and then finally say, “MOM! MAKE HIM STOP LOOKING AT ME!”

And then Javi is all, “I vill keel you in your sleep.”

True story.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Those Three Little Words, Revisited

Mandi October 29, 2012 at 2:32 pm

My parents had a pom that used to do that to me anytime I’d come to visit and I’d get too close to my dad. She’d start snarling and growling like I was the antichrist until I picked her up by the scruff one day and started a 3 minute lecture in her face that started with “Listen here, you little beige bitch…” Mad respect after that.
Mandi recently posted..My vagina is ringing and other assorted quirks.

Abby October 29, 2012 at 8:20 am

My husband, a man known on a first name basis by half the bardstown police force, nicknamed squid, and often described as “that angry looking guy who always plays with knives” has a penchant for kittsns and the cartoon Ruby Gloom.

He baby-talks better than half the first-time mothers of the universe.
Abby recently posted..Here’s a Hint: This is not my amused face.

Jillian October 29, 2012 at 8:57 am

The day I met my boyfriend, Ian, I thought he was a timid but upstanding young man. The next day he made beastiality jokes about sea lions. True love.
Jillian recently posted..Seasons Make Me Puke

Mayor Gia October 29, 2012 at 10:01 am

Ha! I wish I could say this about Boyfriend. But I always knew he was kind of a weirdo pervert (in a good way)
Mayor Gia recently posted..Mayor Gia’s Guide to Preparing for a Hurricane

Rachel October 29, 2012 at 9:07 am

When I was growing up, my dad kept his samurai swords, nunchucks, throwing stars, guns, Bowie knife, etc, on the wall, and he frequently took them down to clean them and sharpen them. I always thought this was completely normal until my boyfriend explained to me that no, it is not normal to keep working weapons on the wall placed strategically throughout the house. In retrospect, I guess there really isn’t any reason to have a set of throwing knives on the bathroom wall next to the toilet.

Valerie October 29, 2012 at 10:56 am

You have the coolest husband ever… I understand about the rapier in the bed. I have a battle axe and sword in my bedroom. Some nights I go to sleep dreaming that someone breaks in. Then I could be all “I’m not trapped in here with you… You’re trapped in here with me!” right before I behead the intruder.


Valerie recently posted..Thanks for the Valcation, Sandy! Now please don’t flood my basement. My XBox is down there.

Jake October 29, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Apparently *I’m* the one with the surprises. Like when all the keys to the Important Flammable Shit safe disappeared, and my wife started panicking until I grabbed a couple of paperclips and picked the lock. Or when we locked ourselves out of the house, and it took me roughly fifteen seconds to break us in. Both instances prompted conversations that began with the phrase “how the fuck do you even know how to do that?”
Jake recently posted..Is there a "Donald Trump Is a Giant Asshat" Foundation?

Mandi October 29, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Some people would call that a misspent youth. I call those valuable life skills, yo.
Mandi recently posted..My vagina is ringing and other assorted quirks.

Jen October 29, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I can do that too! Valuable skills learned from an uncle who did time for boosting cars. ((fist bump))
Jen recently posted..You Down With OCD? Yeah, You Know Me!

Dana the Biped October 29, 2012 at 12:34 pm

My mom is a devoted wife, animal-lover, and donates to every charity that calls. You will never meet a gentler soul in your life. But she did kill a rabid woodchuck with her bare hands.
Dana the Biped recently posted..It’s Only a Matter of Time

Mandi October 29, 2012 at 2:18 pm

I’m pretty sure that I’m the creepy one given that I’ve played some pretty heinous things that were funny to me, but probably should have resulted in a restraining order. Eff ‘em if they can’t take a joke.

Plus there were that one time where I called my parents after I started dating my husband the mad scientist (who works with and has access to many viruses) and asked if I was up to date on all my polio shots because, you know, REASONS, and my mom frantically tore the house apart looking for my medical records while I cackled maniacally.
Mandi recently posted..My vagina is ringing and other assorted quirks.

Jen October 29, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I shocked the ever-loving shit out of my boyfriend two weeks ago when I cussed out my Russian neighbor for parking in my spot. “Трахните Вас и вашу мать шлюхи!!!” I later demonstrated my ability to both hotwire a car and construct a shiv from a toothbrush and a disposable razor. . .I’m relatively certain Matt now thinks I’m a Soviet operative. . .which is kind of hot.
Jen recently posted..You Down With OCD? Yeah, You Know Me!

Natalie the Singingfool October 29, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I have the sweetest, most faithful dog on the planet.
He also kills neighborhood cats. Including ours.
I don’t know how to reconcile this fact to my acquaintance with him.
Natalie the Singingfool recently posted..No, I’m Not Ready to Have a Baby Yet, Thanks For Asking.

Misty October 29, 2012 at 4:15 pm

I think he just finally decided to reveal his obsession with all thing Dungeons & Dragons. He’s easing you in, Noa. Next step……role playing.
Misty recently posted..The Attack of Sandy Frankenstorm

Johi October 29, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Is it a bad sign that I literally laughed out loud when Adrian answered with “Probably kill him.”? Yeah, I kind of think so, too.
I hate to think about what I would do to Brock if he accidentally punched me in the tit. I’m kind of a mean fucker underneath all of this syrupy sweet goodness.
Johi recently posted..Conversations with children

Mandi October 29, 2012 at 8:54 pm

I was working a register at a shitty, discount clothing store. A stranger in a mask put a gun to my head and told me to open all the (@$&ing registers. I turned, looked straight down the gun and asked him If he wanted candy. He did not. He still want me to open the registers. No expletive. I held up a finger and told him to hold on while I sent my line of customers to the dressing rooms to wait. When they left I said”oh no! My register is broken, let me call my manager” picked up the phone and dialed 911. “this is mandi at the front, there’s a guy with a gun who needs the keys to the register” he got into a few other registers but not mine(I was the only one out front and the other registers were unmanned) . I’m 5’2, a buck 20 (was 19yo) and in pigtails. I think the gunman might have been a little shocked… Even more so if he saw the weepy puddle i turned into when when I had to Call my mom and tell her why I was late. Those choices seemed way smarter in the moment. I’d have shot me. Pistol whipped at the very least.

Dave in Sherman October 30, 2012 at 12:12 am

My wife, whom I’ve known and been married to for twenty-two years lets my daughter buy a ball python the other day. I found her coming home on Wednesday with a mouse for it. This woman freaks at everything and rarely does any outdoor kind of stuff. She and my daughter have ole girl out the other day and she says “who’s a good girl?” as she puts it back in her cage. Twenty -two years to discover I married the circus snake charmer. I am waiting for a Tarantula to show up, or maybe a Llama?
Dave in Sherman recently posted..Week #2

Rachel October 31, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Sounds familiar. My husband is a kind, loving, goofy man with a love of firearms. We’ve had some interesting arguments, like the day he came home with an AK-74 because it “was a great deal!” Still, when the shit hits the fan, I’m glad I’m with him rather than against him. He’s a damn good shot.

hcg diet plan February 19, 2013 at 2:16 pm

Great writing. My thanks for posting this. I’ll definitely come to this site to read more and recommend my acquaintenances about your site.

Previous post:

Next post: