Like Tea-Bagging, But More Passive-Aggressive

10/08/2012 · 19 comments

in Adrian, I'm A Terrible Person, Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With Me, What Is Wrong With You?

Last night Adrian pissed me off.

I was slaving to my writing, bleeding out onto the keyboard when he asked me to please get him some water. Seeing as how he was playing a computer game and not re-tarring the drive or cutting down a Sequoia with only a hatchet, I didn’t really think it would be necessary for me to do so.

“Can’t you get it?”

“Please, love? I asked nicely,” he whined.

“No. I refuse to be some kind of 1950’s wife-slave who has to drop what I’m doing to fetch you a drink with which to quench your superior manly thirst.”

“Whoa there Steinem, I didn’t ask for you to do it naked on your knees and then blow me while I laugh and remind you of the pay discrepancies of the sexes. I just asked because you’re closer to the fridge. C’mon, how many times have I gotten you tea?”

“That’s not the point.”

“I think it’s exactly the point, Noa.”

“We don’t tit-for-tat in this marriage, and we won’t start now. Why are you deliberately destroying the peace in our household? The cat is very concerned about the dissolution of our union. How will we deal with the fallout of your choices?”

“Look, Dr. Phil, I’m asking you to be nice and return a favor, because I put up with a metric fuckton of your bullshit and it would be nice to just have a glass of water.”

“Oh, YOU put up with MY bullshit? I sincerely doubt that I’m difficult enough to deserve this maltreatment.”

“Okay, yeah. Remember that time you accidentally threw a 100-piece socket set all over the front lawn at 11 pm after I replaced your battery and then I picked up every single one? Remember when it started to rain a half hour into that?”

“Vaguely.”

“Remember that time you shaved a 3-inch-long clump of hair off the back of my neck while you were ‘trimming’ it, then put that clump of hair in your pocket to hide it, then didn’t tell me for four years?”

“ONE TIME.”

“Remember that time we built those IKEA shelves together? You stomp-kicked the shelf into the kitchen, roared, and then whipped a screwdriver across the room which embedded into the sheetrock?”

“You are a terrible assembler, Adrian.”

“Remember that time that we were going to write beautiful personal vows for our wedding ceremony, but you forgot to do it, and didn’t tell me until one day before, therefore almost ruining the most special day of our lives with your lack of a to-do list?”

“…fine.”

Feeling very put-upon, I got up and went to get him some water so I could get back to work. I was still very angry at having to stop what I was doing to be given a task and also reminded of the many ways I screwed up. I wasn’t satisfied with my humbling.

I wanted the last word.

I got it.

Suck that sack, bitch. 

I hope it tasted like losing.

What was the last prank you pulled on someone, or witnessed being pulled on someone else?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Jen: “Lurlene McDaniels snuff books are more disturbing than German “Scheisse” porn. That bitch has some serious morbidity issues.”
Mayor Gia October 8, 2012 at 6:44 am

Hahahhah very creative. I wonder what the results would have looked like had you been arguing over a sandwich…
Mayor Gia recently posted..Birthday Wish List

SarcasticNinja October 8, 2012 at 8:34 am

I think that was a point well made there!

A while back I was working in a medical office, and called a friend from the office phone so it would come up on caller ID as “Medical Office.” When the machine clicked on, I said I was from Dr. Smith’s office, calling about the results of his spleen exam, and would he please call me back, giving my regular number.

I had forgotten that my friend was named after his dad, and it turned out said dad had just been to the doctor for a liver exam…and his stepmother’s father had died of spleen complications. Their whole family was in a panic, phoning back and forth for about an hour before he actually called the number and realized it was me.
SarcasticNinja recently posted..It’s Tought to Be the Queen – Part 4

Jessica October 8, 2012 at 9:42 am

You even put ice in it and a straw. I would have told my husband to gnaw a hole at the bottom to drink it.
Jessica recently posted..Inanimate Objects Sometimes Attack Me

Leauxra October 8, 2012 at 10:00 am

Funny, I’ve been training my boyfriend to say, “Get me a beer, bitch!”

He says, “Can you get me a beer while you’re up?”
Me: What’s the magic word?”
Him: (sigh) “Get me a beer, bitch!”

People are so shocked and Boyfriend is so terribly, terribly uncomfortable, that I feel like I win a tripple word score every damned time.

PsychoFab October 8, 2012 at 10:25 am

My husband fetches things for me quite a bit, so when he asks me to get him something I always say no, and wait until he’s resigned and is starting to get up to fetch it himself before I tell him I’m joking and go get it. Either way he always ends up getting off the couch lol.
PsychoFab recently posted..You know It’s Chaffing

Lacey October 8, 2012 at 10:36 am

Point, Noa.
Lacey recently posted..XXL panties my ass.

Rachel October 8, 2012 at 10:37 am

I figured this story was going to end with that bag of ice water between your legs, and you jumping up on the couch and smacking him in the forehead with it. But I guess that’s not really passive-aggressive.

Misty October 8, 2012 at 11:38 am

While it is true that your poor hubs puts up with a massive amount of fuckery from your general vicinity, I feel you missed a huge opportunity here, Noa! You could have at least dipped a boob or butt cheek in there. Hmmm, not quite the impact of a ballsack, huh? Damn these girl parts!
Misty recently posted..So Much Randomness

Dana the Biped October 8, 2012 at 12:23 pm

I don’t see any passive aggression here. I see you being proactive. He’s not very likely to ask you to wash the dishes now, is he?
Dana the Biped recently posted.."Consummation" is not the act of consuming. Sadly.

Holly S. October 8, 2012 at 12:40 pm

That picture is amazing. His smile says he’s having fun with this, but his eyes look just a little ashamed. Tea-bagging at it’s best. Good show.

Winopants October 8, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Ahmazing. And totally deserved for blackmailing you into water service.
My BF always likes to ask me to grab him a beer or glass of water for him after I’m about to sit back down. I’ll say “what the hell dude?” and his reply is a whiny “Because you’re still up.” Yeah I was, one minute ago.
Winopants recently posted..Diet for a Naughty Wino

Jen October 8, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I like to leave notes on the lecture hall doors saying things like “The A.D.H.D. Seminar series has been rescheduled but we don’t really know when, or where, and. . .do you like turtles?” or “The Understanding Dyslexia Class has been moved to fsjfhrvbwjk”. I should probably mention that I work in the Graduate School of Special Education. . .and that I’m an asshole.
Jen recently posted.."Have Fun Storming the Castle!"

Cerebral Milkshake October 8, 2012 at 6:48 pm

That is one of the best things I’ve ever seen.
It’s occurred to me that I’ve never pranked anyone. Now there’s a new void in my life that must be filled. Vigorously.
Cerebral Milkshake recently posted..I’m shiny as fuck

Stacey October 8, 2012 at 7:34 pm

My husband is always on me about doing the dishes. Based on the sounds coming from the kitchen, I think my dog licked them all. Probably doesn’t count.
Stacey recently posted..The Piano

Carrie October 9, 2012 at 8:06 am

I like to wait until we are in front of family or friends to randomly flinch and look at the ground all shifty like when my husband walks by me*. Domestic violence is not funny but screwing with my husband really is.

* This only works if your friends and family know that you are the only real asshole in the relationship.

Delfin Joaquin Paris III October 9, 2012 at 8:42 pm

I bought my friend Caitlin 20k Twitter followers for $5 and didn’t tell her. She went to bed that night with 30 followers and was bitching about it. By morning she had 20k. She didn’t know what happened and I suggested one of her posts must have gone viral overnight.

Awesome prank.
Delfin Joaquin Paris III recently posted..Everything Happens For A Reason?

Jessica October 10, 2012 at 1:34 am

i pack my husbands lunch for him, usually a container of leftovers from the night before. He decided one day to bend one of my good forks in half in order to shove it back into the tupperware rather than just bringing the damn thing home. Next day he got left over steak…and a plastic spoon.

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