Joke-Off: Song Titles For Taylor Swift’s Later Years

10/03/2012 · 28 comments

in Joke Off

I had so much fun last week with the Joke-Off comments that I’m turning this bitch into a weekly thing. You motherfuckers are so funny you make me look like a brown paper sack filled with wet brown paper sacks tied with a bow made of Todd Akin’s asshairs. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Every Wednesday, I’m going to start a chain of Joke-Offs about various topics. I have a pretty big list of topics lined up, but if you have ideas, please share them! If you want to play, just comment below with your additions. On Thursday, I’ll have a poll up for you bitches to vote on the funniest one. Winner…well…winner fucking wins at being funnier than everyone else, including me. Winner will be announced on every Funny Bitch Friday, the weekly holiday where we get fuckall done for laughing our asses off.

Song Titles For Taylor Swift’s Later Years

She’s gonna run out of ways to be passive-aggressive soon enough.

  • Dear John, No Not You I Mean The Fourth One Who Left Me In Omaha
  • We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together Because The Kids Find Me Untrustworthy After Letting You Back So Many Times
  • Can’t We Just Try To Work It Out For The Kids
  • Just Go, If You’re Going To Be Like That Again, Seriously You Said You Would Change This Time
  • Our Song Is Pretty Dated Now
  • I’m Too Old To Be Acting Like This
  • Not Bitter, Just Saying How I Feel, Not That You Really Care
  • I Always Look Surprised Because I Learn Nothing From Any Life Experience
  • It’s Never My Problem
  • Facebook Banned Me From Relationship Statuses
  • Calling You From Jail After I Was Arrested For Arson After Burning Your Picture And Then Your Truck
  • Unhinged Is Kind Of A Strong Word, Don’t You Think?
  • You Hurt My Feelings, I’ll Ruin Your Life
  • The Story Of Us Is Making Everyone Tired Of My Drama
  • I’m A Private Person, Except Always
  • Just Waiting For My Happy Ending After You Got One At The Massage Parlor
  • The Judge Is Rolling His Eyes At Me Again
  • One Day, Now Forever, Oh Fine Just Be Like That And Call Me Clingy
  • I’m Not Crazy, I Just Love Really Intensely And People Can’t Handle That
  • Love You Enough To Justify Your Serious Personality Flaws
  • It All Came Back To Bite Me In The End
  • Today Was A Fairytale Because I Egged Your House For Calling Me On My Bullshit
  • I Don’t Have Bad Taste, It’s Just That They’re All Cheating Assholes That I Chose To Date
  • Money Can’t Buy Good Judgment
  • I’m Just Saying…
  • Waiting For Your Release Date, Waiting On My Prince Charming
  • You Don’t Pay Enough Attention To Me, So I’ll Put My Bitching At The Top Of The Charts

Let’s play, bitches.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Abby: “The swinging dining room set obviously wouldn’t work because there’s not enough room to do “Underdogs” or leap off the swing at the height of the push, which are clearly the best parts of a swing. However, if they could implement some sort of slide that would directly deposit food onto my plate/into my mouth, I could get behind it.”
Jen October 3, 2012 at 6:40 am

*Youre Just Another Husband To Burn (In Your Bed At Night and Then Tori Spelling will Play Me in the Lifetime Movie)

*Im Totally Serious This Time, Joe Jonas

*The Biggest Kennedy Tragedy (Since Chappaquidick)

*Kanye Was Right. . .Fuck.

*Its Hard To Make ‘Heart Hands’ When a Bitch has the D.T.s
Jen recently posted..Conversations With Jess: 6 Degrees ((and 28 Weeks)) Later

Jen October 3, 2012 at 1:31 pm

*Fifteen (Ways I Fucked John Mayer)

*Teardrops on my Prenup

*You Belong With Me, Not That Whore Selena Gomez
Jen recently posted..Go The @#$% To Sleep

Mayor Gia October 3, 2012 at 7:10 am

This time it’s true love. (No really you guys, I SWEAR.) (Stop laughing.) (Seriously, stop laughing!)
Mayor Gia recently posted..Replacement Refs

Jessica October 3, 2012 at 7:19 am

-My Favorite Color is Glitter

-Thank God I’m Tall, Thin, and Blonde Because That Makes Talent Optional

-Boys Are Mean

-When Will I Get Boobs?

Mandi October 3, 2012 at 7:26 am

When You’re Pretty, Forgiveness is Easy (Even if You’re Annoying to the Core.)

All My Exes Live in a State of Denial (Over How Heartbroken They Are)

I’m One Poorly Timed Breakup Away from Deviant Sex in a Truck Stop Bathroom
Mandi recently posted..I’m glad you were amused when I offended you. Or Not.

Stephanie October 3, 2012 at 7:28 am

It’s going to be simple:

“Pay Attention to my Passive Aggressive Bullshit”

Stephanie recently posted..The Level of #Apathy Has Reached All Time Highs

Leauxra October 3, 2012 at 7:58 am

“On Second Thought, NOTHING is Better than Revenge”
Leauxra recently posted..Let’s go Camping in the Scary Woods

Carrie October 3, 2012 at 8:31 am

We are never ever, ever getting back together, remix: whether you like it or not we are getting back together (or I’ll cut you).

Haley October 3, 2012 at 9:01 am

“Aren’t You Glad Millions of Tween Girls Are Modeling Their Love Life After Mine?”

“I Get Around”
Haley recently posted..September is the pits.

Tans October 3, 2012 at 9:26 am

“One Relationship Away From a Miley Haircut”

“I’m Completely in Love with A Kennedy”

“I’m Completely in Love with Another Kennedy, Who is the Brother of the First One I sang About”

“I’m Completely in Love with One of Those Other Kennedy’s Cousins”

“Workin My Way Through The Family”
Tans recently posted..why, yes, it has…

Rachel October 3, 2012 at 9:44 am

“Teardrops On My Guitar (Oh Wait, That’s Actually Blood From Beating You For Breaking Up With Me – My Bad)”

“Tim McGraw Doesn’t Love Me Either”

“Sparks Fly When I Set Fire To Your House For Leaving Me”

“Back to December (Because I Regret the One Time I Actually Broke Up with Somebody Instead of Being the One Who Is Dumped)”

“Haunted By All My Failed Relationships”

“Jump Then Fall Is What Will Happen If You Dump Me”

“Crazier” – this one speaks for itself, no jokes needed

“Tell Me Why Nobody Loves Me”

Christine October 3, 2012 at 9:50 am

“Teardrops on my Guitar turn into Hundred Dollar Bills”

“Today was a Fairytale, Tomorrow will be Filled with Sappy Chick Flicks, Boy Hating and an Entire tub of Ben & Jerry’s”
Christine recently posted..And This is Why Hugs Never Last More than Three Seconds in our Home.

Beausaphine October 3, 2012 at 11:40 am

* Love story bout you and me and the restraining order I know you’ve pre filled just in case
Beausaphine recently posted..I can’t meditate or wear underwear.

PsychoFab October 3, 2012 at 12:10 pm

You’re So Vain to think this song is about you (just because I openly admit to writing about all my relationships)
PsychoFab recently posted..Hey, Guess what?

Cheryl S. October 3, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Speak Now! (Since I duct taped your mouth, you can’t can you?)

Haunted is what you’re going to be because I plan to stalk you forever

If This was a Movie it would be fatal attraction. Have you seen your bunny lately? I thought not.

Fifteen failed relationships

You’re Not Sorry, but you will be!

Heidi October 3, 2012 at 1:38 pm

You-oooo are never ever ever getting this mind numbing shit out of your head…like ever.

Winopants October 3, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Not That Wide-Eyed Girl Anymore (It’s Just the Botox)
Winopants recently posted..Box Monkeys and Fairy Machinations

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) October 3, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Tim McGraw Is Still Married To That Bitch Faith Hill And I’m Stuck Here With You

I’m Staying Beautiful With Botox And No One Noticed Since I Have No Facial Expression Anyway

Ronan Is A Really Stupid Name, Now That I Think About It

Hey Stephen… I’m Sorry I Called You John
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Hair

Jillian October 3, 2012 at 2:16 pm

You Should Have Known The Sex Would Be Bad Because I’m A Baby Giraffe

Someday You’ll Be My Baby Daddy

Poor Grammar Is Irrelevant When You’re Cute

That’s Just The Way My Face Looks
Jillian recently posted..Jill’s Notes: Edgar Allan Poe

NATurally Inappropriate October 3, 2012 at 2:27 pm

I Can’t Actually Sing, So I Just Sort of Talk Through My Songs
NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..King Kunter

NATurally Inappropriate October 3, 2012 at 2:31 pm

I’m Sorry All My Songs Sound the Same

I Can’t Have a Healthy Relationship Because I’m a Crazy
NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..King Kunter

Beth Lehman October 3, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Should’ve Said No to anal, but you said you loved me

I look Asian, but I’m Caucasian

You belong with me and no one else or I will fucking end you

Can I smell your hair?

Misty October 3, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Now, which husband are you again? Sixth? Seventh? Meh.

Divorce Attorney on Speed Dial.

Can you please spend the weekend at your daddy’s house so I can get it on with my new boyfriend? No, I can’t remember which one he is either. One of the ones that hurt me. No, I know that doesn’t narrow it down. Just go away now.

I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you . . . as the subject of one of my top 10 hits about how you betrayed me.

We just couldn’t see eye to eye. Because I’m a giant. And wear six inch heels.

Pay me my child support or I’ll write a song about how you are a deadbeat. Oops, too late.

Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever leave me. Or you’ll be sorry. And . . . I love you?
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: YOU Strike Again!

Jaclyn October 3, 2012 at 8:51 pm

“This kid is totally the new Jesus, because everyone knows I don’t have sex. Especially John Mayer, who is definitely not the father.”

“This is a song about my prom, which totally just happened. Stop saying I’m 40. I stopped aging at 16, you guys! I get invited to the prom, like, every single year!”

“I filed for divorce because you won’t call me Juliet anymore, even though I totally still call you Romeo, you dick. I mean, Romeo”

Jake October 4, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Totally meant to add to this yesterday, but got distracted by kittens. (No, seriously.) Still going to go vote for some of the fabulous titles I already see here. My contribution would have been:

“Thank God for Alzheimer’s (Because Now Every Time You Leave Is the First Time)”

Oh well. Next time, Gadget. Next time…
Jake recently posted..The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And also ideas that we don’t like. And albatrosses.

Bill G. October 6, 2012 at 9:51 am

“White Horse Kicked Me (Even Fairytales Are Out To Get Me)?”
“Husbands Suck, I Need a Sugar Daddy Named Tim McGraw”
“Should’ve Said No, But I Get Stupid When I Need Dick”
“Crazier (Than a Shithouse Rat)”
“Every Time Is The First Time (Because I Wake Up To A Brand New World Every Day)”
“The Other Side of the Revolving Door (Nobody Understands A Young Pretty Blonde Multi-Millionaire, My Life is Miserable and Constantly Falling Ass-Backwards Into Millions of Dollars Proves It)”
“Teardrops On My Royalty Checks”
“A Restraining Order Doesn’t Have To Mean The Fairytale Is Over”

Molly Dugger Brennan October 9, 2012 at 10:47 am

“Something in the Kitchen is Poison and I’m Not Telling You What”
“Will Puberty Bring Sanity?”
“More Lovable Than a Snuggie and Just as Cheap”
“I Love Me Some Crazy and Crazy Loves Me”
“Bitterness Stunted Boobs and a Beer”
“Autotune Princess”
Molly Dugger Brennan recently posted..Thick Skin

Bill G. October 9, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Love it!

The “Autotune Princess” sure nails it, sad but true. It’s not about talent, it’s about selling an image (you know it’s true when record companies are giving a second look to n0-talent fucktards like Ashley Simpson and Paris Hilton; fucking hit me with a car and call me Shirley). The girls all want to be Taylor Swift and the boys all want to fuck her, guaranteeing that she’ll have millions and millions of dollars thrown at her until she dies in a tragic car or plane crash or (more likely) she’s found dead in a hotel room.

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