Joke-Off: Ridiculous Treats To Find In Your Halloween Candy Bucket

10/31/2012 · 22 comments

in Joke Off

Every Wednesday, I start a Joke-Off about a topic I make up (or one you guys suggest). On Thursday, we all vote on who’s the funniest bitch of the week based on these submissions. If you want to play, just add in your submission in the comments!

It’s Halloween! The day we either get shitfaced or shovel candy into the greedy paws of the world’s most entitled generation as they prance around like the little sacks of early-onset Type II Diabetes and Ritalin they are. And that’s the oldest statement I’ve ever made in my life.

Joke-Off: Ridiculous Treats To Find In Your Halloween Candy Bucket

  • Tagg Romney’s gallstones
  • Milkduds
  • Women’s rights
  • A God’s Eye made from Twizzler Pull’n’Peels
  • Amistad on Laserdisc
  • Lindsay Lohan’s dignity
  • Japanese schoolgirl underwear
  • Teddy bear woven from feral cat hair
  • Dick Cheney’s still-beating first heart
  • Loose glitter
  • Loose garlic
  • Loose women
  • Icy Hot
  • Plaster cast of Steve Buscemi’s face
  • Stefon (also this one)
  • A vector portrait of Mother Theresa birthing Princess Di
  • Can of bamboo shoots
  • Cat litter
  • Bruce Vilanch’s hairbrush discard
  • A naked mole rat
  • Bread and butter pickle slices
  • Rick Moranis
  • A Cosby sweater with a woven portait of Bill Cosby wearing that Cosby sweater
  • Melted pudding pops
  • Prayer anal beads
  • A sticky bank mini-calendar from 1997
  • Cholera
  • Ann Coulter’s conscience
  • Orange Crush
  • George Lucas’ Disney Contract
  • John Travolta’s suppressed emotions
  • A gift card to Waffle House
  • Someone else’s degree from the University of Phoenix

Let’s BOO it.

I’m sorry I did that.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana The Biped: “My mom is a devoted wife, animal-lover, and donates to every charity that calls. You will never meet a gentler soul in your life. But she did kill a rabid woodchuck with her bare hands.” 
Kristi October 31, 2012 at 5:42 am

Tom Cruise’s cojones. Just kidding. They don’t exist.
Kristi recently posted..Comment on Best. Mom. Ever. Except When You Aren’t by therobotmommy

Beth October 31, 2012 at 7:44 am


Beth October 31, 2012 at 7:44 am

Beth recently posted..Naming the Gremlin

Jessica October 31, 2012 at 8:03 am

Generic Tampons
Michelle Obama Trading Cards
Potted Meat
Prayer Request Card from Rock of Ages Community Church
Orphaned Kittens
An Ohio Absentee Ballot

Jess October 31, 2012 at 8:15 am

How anything can top “Prayer Anal Beads” is beyond me, but I will try.

Used Condom
Used Tampon
Mustard Gas
Prison Shank made from a melted Toothbrush
Collected Foot shavings from a Ped Egg
Canned Peas

Lacey October 31, 2012 at 8:21 am

Rupaul’s Penis
Cup O’ Noodles
Justin Bieber’s Virginity
A Picture Made From Pubic Hair
Paris Hilton’s Crack Pipe
A Jar of Dead Skin
Lacey recently posted..XXL panties my ass.

QOE October 31, 2012 at 9:12 am

Larry Hagman’s liver
Wilford Brimley’s moustache
Colonial Penn life insurance policy signed by Alex Trebek
Hulk Hogan’s sex tape

P.S. I’ll take Jessica’s Ohio absentee ballot

Jessica October 31, 2012 at 9:45 pm

I’ll trade ya for the Colonial Penn life insurance policy signed by Alex Trebek!

Roxie October 31, 2012 at 9:14 am

Canned tomatoes from Trader Joe’s

Jen October 31, 2012 at 10:33 am

Expired Coupons
A bag of cereal dust
A plane ticket to South Dakota
Rusty cheese grater
Subscription to Poultry Magazine
A napkin used to wipe Cheetos fingers
Used perfume sample
A random set of keys (b/c we all have a set in our junk drawer that goes to nothing we own)

Laura October 31, 2012 at 10:58 am

gummy pedo bears

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd October 31, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Horrible love letters from your high school boyfriends
pamphlets on menopause
used losing lottery tickets
chocolate coated hairballs
a picture of your uncle standing in front of a convertible giving thumbs up
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Facts I Made Up About Scary Movies

Jen October 31, 2012 at 12:25 pm

A Yam Shaped Like Hitler

Taylor Swift’s Self Respect

Carlton Banks Action Figure

George Michael’s Career

‘Stop, Or My Mom Will Shoot!’ on Blu-Ray
Jen recently posted..Skype: It’s Not Just For Cyber-Sex Anymore

Jen October 31, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Groupon For a Kevin Costner Film Retrospective

The Twentieth Duggar
Jen recently posted..Skype: It’s Not Just For Cyber-Sex Anymore

Winopants October 31, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Moldy pumpkin guts
Petrified regurgitated cat hair
Rabbit droppings in a Milk Dud box
Plug of hardened ear wax
Overcooked gluten-free pasta
Winopants recently posted..Kule “Loco”: How to Disrespect an Indian Village

Brea October 31, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Fingernail Clippings
Pubic hair collage
Skid-Marked Man-thong
Fellatio How-To manual
Brea recently posted..I’m Not Crazy!

Leauxra October 31, 2012 at 2:21 pm

A pack of Marlboro’s
A rock
A nickel
And who the fuck really gives out a damned toothbrush Every. Damned. Year.
Leauxra recently posted..November is Coming

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) October 31, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Rasputin’s Penis In A Jar (google it… I dare you)

A candle made of ear wax

Courney Stodden’s virginity
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Those Three Little Words, Revisited

suzanna danna October 31, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Land Shark.
“Neck Rust” from Honey Boo Boo’s mother, June.
A refrigerator magnet depicting violent sodomy.
My ambition.
One of those back scratchers with a monkey claw.
4 ounces of sweet Mexican black tar heroin.
A mason jar holding a pig fetus.
suzanna danna recently posted..Pick a Size

mosura October 31, 2012 at 4:34 pm

a tube of superglue
shaving cream
toe jam
Snooki’s novel
mosura recently posted..Happy Halloween!

Heidi October 31, 2012 at 9:42 pm

A flask of Geritol
A baggie of multi-colored anti-psychotic pills
My Precious

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