Joke-Off: Ridiculous Treats To Find In Your Halloween Candy Bucket

Every Wednesday, I start a Joke-Off about a topic I make up (or one you guys suggest). On Thursday, we all vote on who’s the funniest bitch of the week based on these submissions. If you want to play, just add in your submission in the comments!

It’s Halloween! The day we either get shitfaced or shovel candy into the greedy paws of the world’s most entitled generation as they prance around like the little sacks of early-onset Type II Diabetes and Ritalin they are. And that’s the oldest statement I’ve ever made in my life.

Joke-Off: Ridiculous Treats To Find In Your Halloween Candy Bucket

• Tagg Romney’s gallstones
• Milkduds
• Women’s rights
• A God’s Eye made from Twizzler Pull’n'Peels
• Amistad on Laserdisc
• Lindsay Lohan’s dignity
• Japanese schoolgirl underwear
• Teddy bear woven from feral cat hair
• Dick Cheney’s still-beating first heart
• Loose glitter
• Loose garlic
• Loose women
• Icy Hot
• Plaster cast of Steve Buscemi’s face
• Stefon (also this one)
• A vector portrait of Mother Theresa birthing Princess Di
• Can of bamboo shoots
• Cat litter
• Bruce Vilanch’s hairbrush discard
• A naked mole rat
• Bread and butter pickle slices
• Rick Moranis
• A Cosby sweater with a woven portait of Bill Cosby wearing that Cosby sweater
• Melted pudding pops
• Prayer anal beads
• A sticky bank mini-calendar from 1997
• Cholera
• Ann Coulter’s conscience
• Orange Crush
• George Lucas’ Disney Contract
• John Travolta’s suppressed emotions
• A gift card to Waffle House
• Someone else’s degree from the University of Phoenix

Let’s BOO it.

I’m sorry I did that.