Joke-Off: “Flirty” Texts You Don’t Want To Get

10/24/2012 · 32 comments

in Joke Off

Every Wednesday, I start a Joke-Off about a topic I make up (or one you guys suggest). On Thursday, we all vote on who’s the funniest bitch of the week based on these submissions. If you want to play, just add in your submission in the comments!

I once received a text from a boyfriend who was trying to tempt me (because I come from the land of plenty), which read, “Hey, there’s some hay in the bed of my truck. You in?”

I was not in.

I’m sure that’s not the worst that’s ever been sent, or the best we can do. Let’s get it, bitches.

Joke-Off: “Flirty” Texts You Don’t Want To Get

  • I love the way your hair smells after I cry on it
  • My rectum’s all rootin’ tootin’ ready for you!
  • U + Me = Love, if Pants * 7/45 + Lubricant (x) – y/weiner (zx) = yabos/ass
  • You bring out the mediocre in me
  • Just making sure you’re still thinking of me. Because if not…you know
  • You look great today, which is a nice change from you being a cunt
  • I love the way you smell like turkey
  • Your laugh sends a thrill through me because it sounds like a Harley revving hard
  • When I see you tonight I’m going to dry hump the fuck out of your hip, because True Love Waits.
  • I wanna fuck you so hard you become a Duggar
  • You can’t imagine how good it’s gonna feel when I’m on you and slip and land sideways on your dick
  • Just saw a horrible car accident. Thinking of you :)
  • If you were here right now I’d probably fall asleep with my dick poking your asshole
  • You should be someone else’s wife
  • Are you a tamale? Because your skin is like a corn husk and you give me diarrhea
  • If I could take you anywhere, it’d probably be Sierra Leone
  • I love spending time with you because it reminds me of visiting my nana in the home
  • Baby when I saw you I fell head over heels because I was drunk as a motherfucker and you were nearby to see it
  • If I had a nickel for every time I thought about you today, I would be in MC Hammer debt
  • You look so good in black. That’s good to know. For later.
  • I wonder how much I can fit in there
  • Baby you’re so sweet you give me Type II Diabetes and that’s a serious and incredibly dangerous health condition
  • Miss you, come home soon. Dry humping the cat isn’t doing it for me anymore.
  • I’m gonna rock your world, so make sure your home is earthquake-proof and that you have all necessary disaster supplies. Like condoms.
  • Can’t stop thinking about you and all that regrettable keystroke logging I did for you
  • You aren’t the reason why I wake up every day
  • God spend a little more time on you because sometimes people need more help than others
  • Filled the car with farts just for you
  • Can’t wait to see you tonight because I stole my new eyeballs from a hobo
  • Your panties look so hot on me
  • Imagining laying in bed covered in bees
  • Bring your galoshes
GO.
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Jen: “In retrospect, I probably would have married someone who wouldn’t wind up sleeping with the next-door neighbor. . .and our realtor. . .and my cousin. Oh, yeah. And I wouldn’t have a pasta bar. Because, you know. . .reasons.” 
SarcasticNinja October 24, 2012 at 3:45 am

I hate competition so I hid your vibrator. You can try to find it later (hint: it’s somewhere in my body).
I love the way your neck feels between my hands when I squeeze.
Metallica just came on the radio–always reminds me of your tender loving.
SarcasticNinja recently posted..It’s Tough to Be the Queen – Part 5

Sassy Viv October 24, 2012 at 6:28 am

Just had a snack of Vienna Sausages, and now I can’t stop thinking about you.

Good news! Got that broken molar fixed up, so Mr. Big won’t get all scratched up anymore. Come home soon so we can take advantage of the Novacaine!
Sassy Viv recently posted..THAT’S LIFE UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Mayor Gia October 24, 2012 at 6:47 am

Hey Sexy… My herpes outbreak is clearing up, just for YOU.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Hugging: It’s a Health Issue

Jessica October 24, 2012 at 7:18 am

My junk is all red cuz I’m so hot for you, Baby.

I want you almost as much as I love my car.

Good news, my mom thinks you’re “the one”!

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) October 24, 2012 at 7:31 am

Have you seen my watch? I think I left it inside you.

I stole your underwear. I want to save it for later.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..When Being Awesome Nearly Killed Me

Misty October 24, 2012 at 7:48 am

You are the Abbott to my Costello, the Ren to my Stimpy, the genital warts to my lady garden. We were made for each other.

I fantasize about you when I poop.

I think you are so sexy, just like my mother.

I can’t wait until you come home, so you can go get me a sandwich and beer.
Misty recently posted..Enter the Ghouls & Goblins

Christina October 24, 2012 at 7:53 am

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

Haley October 24, 2012 at 8:33 am

“I can’t wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you’re mine.” That is the worst text I’ve ever gotten in my life.
Haley recently posted..September is the pits.

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) October 24, 2012 at 2:13 pm

That actually made my vagina clench.

Just… ewwww.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Three days in the Twilight Zone

Janene October 24, 2012 at 8:58 pm

The “ownership” in that sentence repulses me. What is this, 1900? Get a life, asshat.

Haley October 25, 2012 at 2:18 pm

That comes from a 30 year old man.. and he began that text with “I don’t want to sound corny, but…” corny? No. What the fuck? Yes.

Jake October 25, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Maybe “corny” is some kind of portmanteau that means “creepy and horny.”
Jake recently posted..Is there a "Donald Trump Is a Giant Asshat" Foundation?

ColinP October 24, 2012 at 9:07 am

Just a scab, not herpes. See you later?

I know your sister is only 10, but do you think she would be into a 3 way?
ColinP recently posted..Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012)

Carrie October 24, 2012 at 9:31 am

Put some lotion on and come over baby, I can’t wait to make a skin suit out of you.

Lacey October 24, 2012 at 9:56 am

Fully stocked the paper bags and vodka.

Its finally hard. Hurry up, we have 10 minutes.

3 words. Beer, Football, Sex. You have 15 minutes until half time…. I am almost out of beer. On second thought, better just go to the store and grab me a two-four.

All this stalking is making me horny. It’s you now, dead or alive.

I trimmed, now let’s do this.

I’ll be your Mister Right Now, if you’ll be mine. *hands me a strap on*
Lacey recently posted..XXL panties my ass.

Janene October 24, 2012 at 10:26 am

“I am male. I have car. I’m not interested in sex. I want to develop relationship first.”

Allison October 24, 2012 at 10:51 am

Full size Barney outfit just came in the mail, get over here so I can make you roar.

Just finished The Lovely Bones, come see what kind of bone I’ve got for you!

I can’t get that pic of Honey Boo Boo’s mom out of my head, bring the video camera and let’s make our own ‘reality show’ baby!

Abby October 24, 2012 at 10:53 am

Wow babe. That blowjob was so great, I barely felt the burns from my genital wart treatments.

What? I never said the carpet matched the drapes. Who wants to look at grey drapes?

Just took a Uristat! It’s go time!
Abby recently posted..Depression Lies. And it would seem he has a bitchin relationship with bipolar disorder.

Bill G. October 24, 2012 at 11:29 am

Come on over to my office and I’ll fill you in.

Jake October 24, 2012 at 11:33 am

I want it in the ass tonight…oops, that was for your father!

We’re out of whipped cream, so I’m waiting in bed covered in barbecue sauce.
Jake recently posted..I’ve never been prouder.

Bill G. October 24, 2012 at 11:38 am

You talk purtier than a 30 dollar whore.

Jaclyn October 24, 2012 at 12:04 pm

I’ve got the Ben Gay if you’ve got the mouthwash.

My loins are ablaze for you… but don’t worry, I started my Valtrex prescription today.

I’ve got a wire hanger with your name on it that says we don’t need to use a condom tonight!
Jaclyn recently posted..Real Jaclyn VS Wife Jaclyn (Spoiler Alert: I won)

mosura October 24, 2012 at 12:12 pm

All done with “anal irrigation.” Hurry up!

I cleaned out the van!

ME+ YOU = FUCK. NOW.
mosura recently posted..Chopstick Rests and Garden Critter Pin

Sister Friday October 24, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I’ve got a new tarp, let’s get busy baby.

I could get lost inside you.

You make me sweat so much I’m considering asking my physician about prescription strength antiperspirant.

I’m so hot for you I’m willing to overlook your frequent yeast infections.
Sister Friday recently posted..Ironic Pumpkinstache Wednesday

Jen October 24, 2012 at 12:54 pm

*Your dad must be an astronaut because I wanna do your Black Hole.

*I’ll bang you like a tater cellar door in a Tennessee Twister.

*Let’s play ‘Growing Pains’. You be Carol Seaver and I’ll be Boner.
Jen recently posted..How to Not Suck in College

Bill G. October 24, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Oh good god! That last one is freaking me out.

socialassassin October 24, 2012 at 2:20 pm

“When you mentioned taking precautions, I didn’t realise you meant tying my ankle to the doorframe first!!”

“Would you mind doggy style?? It’s just that you’re a dead ringer for my sister.”

“You looked so hot in that lingerie this morning baby. Oh, FYI your window box needs watering.”

“Just bought you an enormous new vibrator with three speeds, and a spandex gimp suit. What time does your geography class finish??”
socialassassin recently posted..Collective Nouns and Spare Names – a ‘fun with words’ exercise.

shannon October 24, 2012 at 2:39 pm

you’re so beautiful, in the right light, did you maybe wanna bang, but only by candlelight…?

rosamarie October 24, 2012 at 6:00 pm

“Roses are red,
violets are blue,
you are like a cow,
except you don’t go moo.”

“My love for you is like diherria- I just can’t hold it in”

Jaime October 24, 2012 at 8:56 pm

txts sent from someone you don’t live with, nor who has never (to your knowledge) been to your house.

you look really good today in that purple shirt
do your hair like that, it looks sexy
I think it’s time to change your air freshener
Jaime recently posted..how thongs are ruining the economy

Delfin Joaquin Paris III November 4, 2012 at 10:52 am

Nobody does lists like you.
Delfin Joaquin Paris III recently posted..I’ve Used Women As My To-Do List – A Confession

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