Every Wednesday, I start a Joke-Off about a topic I make up (or one you guys suggest). On Thursday, we all vote on who’s the funniest bitch of the week based on these submissions. If you want to play, just add in your submission in the comments!
I once received a text from a boyfriend who was trying to tempt me (because I come from the land of plenty), which read, “Hey, there’s some hay in the bed of my truck. You in?”
I was not in.
I’m sure that’s not the worst that’s ever been sent, or the best we can do. Let’s get it, bitches.
Joke-Off: “Flirty” Texts You Don’t Want To Get
- I love the way your hair smells after I cry on it
- My rectum’s all rootin’ tootin’ ready for you!
- U + Me = Love, if Pants * 7/45 + Lubricant (x) – y/weiner (zx) = yabos/ass
- You bring out the mediocre in me
- Just making sure you’re still thinking of me. Because if not…you know
- You look great today, which is a nice change from you being a cunt
- I love the way you smell like turkey
- Your laugh sends a thrill through me because it sounds like a Harley revving hard
- When I see you tonight I’m going to dry hump the fuck out of your hip, because True Love Waits.
- I wanna fuck you so hard you become a Duggar
- You can’t imagine how good it’s gonna feel when I’m on you and slip and land sideways on your dick
- Just saw a horrible car accident. Thinking of you :)
- If you were here right now I’d probably fall asleep with my dick poking your asshole
- You should be someone else’s wife
- Are you a tamale? Because your skin is like a corn husk and you give me diarrhea
- If I could take you anywhere, it’d probably be Sierra Leone
- I love spending time with you because it reminds me of visiting my nana in the home
- Baby when I saw you I fell head over heels because I was drunk as a motherfucker and you were nearby to see it
- If I had a nickel for every time I thought about you today, I would be in MC Hammer debt
- You look so good in black. That’s good to know. For later.
- I wonder how much I can fit in there
- Baby you’re so sweet you give me Type II Diabetes and that’s a serious and incredibly dangerous health condition
- Miss you, come home soon. Dry humping the cat isn’t doing it for me anymore.
- I’m gonna rock your world, so make sure your home is earthquake-proof and that you have all necessary disaster supplies. Like condoms.
- Can’t stop thinking about you and all that regrettable keystroke logging I did for you
- You aren’t the reason why I wake up every day
- God spend a little more time on you because sometimes people need more help than others
- Filled the car with farts just for you
- Can’t wait to see you tonight because I stole my new eyeballs from a hobo
- Your panties look so hot on me
- Imagining laying in bed covered in bees
- Bring your galoshes