I Am A Most Magnificent Eagle (Who Is Now Deaf And Puked A Rainbow Of Jolly Ranchers Across The Sky)

10/15/2012 · 24 comments

in Dangerballs, How Did My Life Come To This, What Is Wrong With Me

Yesterday I jumped out of a plane 2 miles above the earth and landed on my ass. I did so without unfortunate consequences such as shitting myself miles above Earth and having to drift gently down with the knowledge that I shit myself in mid-air, or perhaps dying horribly at Earth-level, having known I shit myself on the way down.

All in all, a successful day.

Success or not, though, there are some things I wish I’d done before I went skydiving.

I Wish I Had Not Worn My Hair In A Bun To Reduce Wang Resemblance

I have an unfortunate bang situation going on right now (and for the last several decades) that renders my hair to be disagreeable. I can’t leave it down because that shit will swoop up into the sky like it’s reaching back in time for the 80’s. I can’t pull it back into a ponytail because that shit will straighten out over one eye like a white-trash side-bang so fast it’ll knock your sister’s baby up behind the Stuckey’s. This has resulted in exactly one hairstyle I can wear, which is two low buns in the back of my head. It’s cute, it’s fast, and I can do it wet (LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL GIRL. I’m sorry.)

This is all fine and good until they strapped my ass into a helmet, which would not fit over the buns. I tried, initially, to take them out, but the “putting wet hair in a bun” thing doesn’t translate well into a pulled-loose style. With the buns, my helmet made me look like an aggressive blue dildo with too many controls. Without the buns, my helmet made me look like a horribly deformed jellyfish–strands leaking everywhere in a less-curly more-kinked manner, frizzing uncontrollably–and yet still shaped like a dick. I chose to leave the buns on because I’m a superficial bastard–I could handle looking like a wiener as long as the frizz was managed.

Next time, I’ll pay someone to do cornrows. If I’m making one bad decision by skydiving, I might as well make the biggest bad decision–white girl cornrows.

I Wish I Had Popped My Ears Before Turning My Skydive Into A Helen Keller Experience

Altitude, y’all. I have always had a hard time popping my ears at any altitude. Scuba diving was tough for me. Riding a ski lift is tough for me. I have tiny baby weakling eardrums that can’t handle rapid pressure changes–and this is a fact about myself that I promptly forgot until I was tits-down to the ground.

The first 2 seconds out of the plane were sheer joy, because you are fucking whizzing through the air like Criss Angel’s wet dream. It is magical beyond words to zip around across the landscape of your hometown, proving to all pigeons forever that you are superior.

At the 3-second mark, my ears fucking exploded. Within the span of just ONE second, my ears built pressure faster than I’ve ever felt and before I could pop it, they decided just to rip themselves loose of my body. I swear to God I heard them deflate like a helium balloon untied itself in my brain. After that horror-fest, I was satisfied with just no longer being in pain and enjoyed the rest of my freefall. It wasn’t until I pulled the ripcord and began to drift slowly down that I realized the sound had all gone away. I tried not to panic and forced away thoughts about how I’d have to learn ASL and how weird a story of deafness it would be to explain to others, and gently floated to the ground unable to hear a goddamn thing.

Next time, I’ll pop my ears before I exit the plane. If I get my hearing back. If I don’t, then, you know, bottoms up!

I Wish I Had A Better Breakfast Than Poor Man’s Meth

I have a tiny bit of an anxiety problem when I try new things–not because I’ll be facing imminent death on these adventures, but because I know there will be crowds of people around that I immediately feel I have to fight. Because of this, I don’t eat a lot beforehand so I won’t feel sick. This was a grave mistake before skydiving.

My allergies have flared up lately, so I took some Sudafed on my way out the door and grabbed a handful of blue Jolly Ranchers to calm my stomach because taking Sudafed on an empty stomach is a fucking horrible idea, but putting sugar on top of Sudafed was apparently not that bad of an idea.

A much worse idea is letting Sudafed and a pound and a half of sugar (Poor Man’s Meth) be the only thing you have in your stomach as you’re scooting to the edge of an open door to go 120 MPH towards the ground. My stomach couldn’t decide if it wanted to catch on fire from all the stimulation or just bottom the fuck out and paint the sky with a terrible rainbow of bad decisions as I tumbled away. Luckily, the strap across my stomach made that decision for me as my instructor whipped me forward–the strap suddenly tightened and forced out the most unholy burp right in the face of the terrified woman about the bail behind me. Super sorry about that.

Next time, I’ll just snort a shitload of coke instead. It would be less stimulating and panic-inducing.

I Wish I Had Taken A Breath

In my entire 15-minute training course, there was nothing they wanted us to remember more than to take a breath as you fall away. I am a woman of procedures, so I talked myself through the process a billion times before we even got in the plane. Cross arms-head back-breath-fall. No big.

This planning was, of course, all before my Meth stomach revolted. As we fell out of the plane, the pressure that caused my ears to explode soon after also compressed my lungs and made it near impossible to take a breath. I felt like I was drowning 12,000 feet in the air–ears shot to hell, can’t take a breath, can’t move my arms and legs. To be fair to the situation, at least I was drowning in fantastic scenery.

The mid-air drowning combined with the wind whipping my cheeks into a hilarious wave-motion that you can feel happening to you and are unable to stop, I started laughing. Really really hard Church-laughs that made a shitload of noise and caused me to shake about. All of my bad decisions had led to this moment, and I couldn’t help myself–I looked ridiculous.

What I saw was incredible scenery, and a great adrenaline rush–minus the deafness, a pretty fun day.

What the people on the ground saw was a giant blue dildo spinning to the ground, clutching both ears and gulping air in between too-loud laughs because I could no longer manage the correct volume of my own voice.

I looked so fucking magical you guys.

Regardless of everything I’ve written, skydiving is fucking amazing and you should go. Have you been? How was it? If not, do you want to?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Jillian: “What do they do to stay so sharp? Water aerobics? Shredded wheat? Speed? Whatever it is, I want it.” 
Mayor Gia October 15, 2012 at 6:53 am

Haha wowza! Sounds like a time. A bit terrifying for me, personally, but glad you had fun.
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SarcasticNinja October 15, 2012 at 7:31 am

A giant blue skydiving dildo would be an amazing publicity stunt for a naughty shop.
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Misty October 15, 2012 at 8:18 am

I have always wanted to skydive. But now I have kids. There is something different about throwing yourself out of a perfectly good airplane and willingly plummeting to the ground when you have youngins depending on your ass for their very survival. So, I think I’m gonna have to pass for now. Maybe once they are in college. Just imagine the loose skin waving in the wind at that stage of my life!
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spleeness October 15, 2012 at 8:33 am

I am DYING LAUGHING. DYING. I myself cannot breathe. The imagery you painted here was so spectacular, I read it three times just to get the full enjoyment.

You could not PAY me enough money to hurl this perfectly working body out of a plane, but I do confess to thinking of it just a tiny bit after reading your post!

Christine October 15, 2012 at 8:54 am

A giant laughing dildo. My biggest fantasy, or worst nightmare?
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Jessica October 15, 2012 at 9:12 am

Oh, I am laughing so hard at your plight. Well, this story cured any tiny desire I have to skydive.
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miakoda October 15, 2012 at 9:39 am

Oh, Noa, thank you for doing this so I never have to. Seriously. From the bottom of my rooted-to-the-earth heart.

We have a new acting dean at work. She’s made of awesome — short, fiery, a huge fan of The Big Bang Theory… she even has a Sheldon Cooper cutout in her office, complete with Green Lantern shirt. The first time I met her was in the elevator, and I didn’t know who she was. Since we were just starting a new academic year, I asked her if she’d done anything fun over the summer. Apparently she’d gone to Texas to some military base where they were celebrating an anniversary of some sort. To celebrate, she said, they “took a bunch of us old people up in an airplane and tossed us out.” That woman is bad-ass.

shannon October 15, 2012 at 10:03 am

i seriously want to go skydiving, really badly, but every time i start thinking about doing things like that i get all weird because i feel like i don’t have the right to possibly kill myself for a thrill and leave my kid more confused and pissed off than he already is…or maybe it would give him a push to find a cause and go all political activist against, i dunno, people trying to usurp the sky from its rightful occupents…i dunno…all i do know is that by the time i got to the end of this story i was laughing so fucking hard that i choked on a dorito at the end…big ups for no vomit, Blue Dildo (i think that’s your version of the Red Baron :)

Beth October 15, 2012 at 10:23 am

Ok, I can’t breathe. I’m sitting here in my “office” (cubicle) trying not to give away that I’m not working by horribly snorting out a laugh that I was desperately trying to hold in. Thank you!!

Leauxra October 15, 2012 at 10:35 am

I skydived for my 33rd birthday. And I convinced my father and a coupld of friends to go with me. My mom, pale and sweaty, said, “but, that’s like, half the family!” She wouldn’t believe me when I said we PROBABLY wouldn’t die.

I had ass length hair at the time, and I thought I was being smart by putting it into a french braid. That sucker tried to kill me, my instructor, and possibly itself.

Fucking fantastic, and beautiful, and I didn’t tell anyone that I was so scared that my hands went numb. What? My heartrate jumped to like 460 beats per minute, but I didn’t die, so it was fine.

Jen October 15, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I have thought about skydiving in the past. Then I have thought of exactly what my asshole would look like if it was compressed up into my pancreas when I slammed into the earth at 75 miles per hour and the thoughts abated. There is nothing attractive about the sight of a 42 year old woman pissing herself and screaming like Mariah Carey in late-stage labor as she careens to the earth.
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Dana the Biped October 15, 2012 at 12:53 pm

I very nearly killed myself this weekend by falling off the toilet and cracking my head on the sink. And then the cast iron radiator. I think I’ll just stick to ground-level, thanks.
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NATurally Inappropriate October 15, 2012 at 3:48 pm

I am so absolutely and positively terrified of heights. I do not have the balls to do that shit. Ever.
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Lacy Foland October 15, 2012 at 4:49 pm

I went skydiving for the first time a few months ago. It was awesome. I did feel a little bad for the guy who was strapped to my back, though. I was attempting to thru-hike the Appalachian Trail at the time, and I’d just gotten into town after about a week of being on trail (with no showers, toilets, or other modern conveniences). So to say I smelled would be like calling a hurricane a stiff breeze. The fall itself was totally fine, but that tiny plane really fucking stunk during the fifteen minute ride up while three nervous and unwashed hikers sat there (each strapped to an instructor) sweating their balls off. It wasn’t even like any of us had seconds thoughts about jumping. We all wanted out of the funk-fest so bad we all wanted to go first.

Brea October 15, 2012 at 7:22 pm

I have always been on the fence about sky-diving. Some days, the thrill of imminent death has me hunting the Internet for the best online aero-death deal, others, I pretend I’m too lazy of a person to consider taking on such an arduous task—but really, I’m just a big pussy.

After reading about your adventures, well, I’m still on the fence. As magical as you’ve made it out to be (no sarcasm intended—it’s always been my dream to die as a dildo), I fucking HATE when my ears pop–we share an eardrum sensitivity–and I’m not such a fan of oxygen deprivation. While I’m fine with plunging to my doom, suffocating on the way down doesn’t seem as inviting. That said, one day, my credit cards won’t be maxed out on one of my braver days, and I’ll probably end up booking a jump…
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Winopants October 15, 2012 at 7:49 pm

I experience many of the same problems- empty nervous tummy, ear ‘splosions, bad hair and fear of shitting myself- just from getting on a plane. Heaven help me if I ever tried to jump out of one.
Glad you had a good experience and such a funny story to bring back!
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Jaime October 15, 2012 at 10:05 pm

I’m super fucking jealous cuz I’ve always wanted to fall out of the sky on purpose but have never had the money to do so… or more honestly.. I’ve spent the money on booze and after the bar snacks.. but I digress… did you get a video of your jump? I don’t know that I’d want to see the ridiculousness that was myself, but I’d LOVE to laugh at someone else doing it.. hint hint.
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KiwiKat October 16, 2012 at 4:47 am

At least they did at least TELL you to breath – mine forgot, I hope, so I was whipped out of a the plane and thinking I’m going to die because I can’t breathe, y’all!

Having said that, I had wanted to skydive since I was twelve, so I lost 140lb and threw myself out of a plane strapped to one of the hottest jump masters I could find, so I could land on the beach.

Totally awesome, totally worth it and I totally hear (ha) you about the deafness!
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abby October 16, 2012 at 10:07 am

That imagery is priceless. I will never be able to wear my hair in a bun again without imagining a blue wang falling from the sky sporting the same up do.
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Valerie October 18, 2012 at 10:14 pm

I went skydiving once. The worst part was the anxiety in the plane ride up… Where I cursed everyone off for talking because I was scared of heights. I’m surprised they didn’t throw me out of the plane.

Hugs!

Valerie
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The Girl Next Door Drinks and Swears October 20, 2012 at 12:42 am

I literally have no words. This was BY FAR the funniest blog post I have read to date. My daughter looked at me and said, “Are you…CRYING?” You could not have possibly painted a better picture for us. I wish I had something intelligent and witty to say, but I’m honestly humbled by your comedic brilliance.

On another note, the fact that I am afraid of heights, a wee bit claustrophobic, and have been known to have a minor panic attack on occasion, I have politely declined any opportunity to go skydiving. You have confirmed that decision was a solid one. Thanks.
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jsuegresham October 24, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Noa? Please do not eat any more blue flavored ANYTHING. I’ve recently discovered (and confirmed via many minutes of research) that blue flavoring comes from the anal glands of beavers. So you’re lucky that all you did was burp…….
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