This Reads Like The DSM-IV For Schizophrenia

09/05/2012 · 30 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, Social Services

Sometimes people tell me, “Oh man, Noa, I wish I could be in your head for just a day and see your crazy thoughts.”

I always laugh it off. “No, you really don’t.” Not because it’s boring in there, or because I have really disturbing thoughts like what happens if you put kittens in the path of a sentient weed eater. Not because I’m shy.

It’s because 90% of the things I think are the dumbest fucking things in the world, and I would be embarrassed for them to know how stupid I really am.

Lights flicker for half a second.

Normal People Think: Huh.
Noa Thinks: Have I just been involved in some kind of time skip? I better check to see if Adrian’s still in this dimension with me.

What is wrong with you, shitbag? Your bulb is going out, you’re not involved in the History Channel version of Tuesday.

Reading the word, “Inventory.”

Normal People Think: That’s an accumulation/list of things.
Noa Thinks: That’s a special lab where people invent things.

You never should have sniffed canned air that one time in Home Ec, you derailed whoretrain.

Upon thinking, “This chair is uncomfortable,” and seeing someone else shift in a similar chair.

Normal People Think: NOT A GODDAMN THING.
Noa Thinks: My God, I’m manipulating that person with my telepathic abilities. KILL, MAN IN CHAIR.

Hope your therapist doesn’t read this.

Seeing a woman wearing a long purple coat in Kroger.

Normal People Think: That’s an unusual coat.
Noa Thinks: I didn’t even know that Kroger had job openings for wizards. That’s very equal of them.

They hired her to stock the goddamn shelves and not rule all of mankind with her mythical powers from beyond. Nailed it, dumbass.

Watching a commerical featuring a submarine.

Normal People Think: It’s a submarine.
Noa Thinks: I wonder if submarines are UFO’s for fish. Is there a whole school dedicated to proving they exist?

Just a regular Carl Fucking Sagan, are we Noa?

Ending a conversation.

Normal People Think: This has been nice. I enjoyed learning about this person. I will tell them this, and then leave.
Noa Thinks: If I just turn slightly to the side and discontinue eye contact, that’s a signal for the conversation to end, right?

No it’s not. That doesn’t even make you awkward, it makes you an asshole. 

I shouldn’t be allowed internet access.

What’s a dumb thought that you had recently?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Ally: “I’m pretty sure that we ate people at a BBQ joint off of I-81 in Virginia. We stopped in because it was advertised as ‘the best Darn BBQ’ and we’re suckers for that kind of advertising. My wife ordered ribs, which turned out to be gray, gristly, and suspiciously small like they had come from a small child. The bathroom was covered in blood so that’s obviously where they do their children sacrifice/slaughtering. All I am saying is that you should never ever eat at a place called “Smiley’s BBQ.”
Mayor Gia September 5, 2012 at 6:59 am

Ha, yours are great! Mine tend to involve Boyfriend. Like, tragic things happening to Boyfriend when he doesn’t text me back immediately (which is pretty much every time).
Mayor Gia recently posted..Dentists are Sadists. Facts.

Misty September 5, 2012 at 8:54 am

Nope. I’m absolutely normal in every way. I do the most appropriate and socially acceptable thing in any and all situations. I am not awkward nor do I ever say the wrong thing at the exact wrong time. And to suggest otherwise just means that you are a crass, unrefined hooligan. Good day, ma lady. I SAID GOOD DAY.
Misty recently posted..Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun

Roxie September 5, 2012 at 9:24 am

I totally think the same thing when the lights flicker! And sometimes, if my cable-tv skips, I look around the room for Mr Smith from The Matrix.

Jillian September 5, 2012 at 9:42 am

Can you manipulate someone with your telepathic abilities for me? I need to buy a new TV, but I’d like a hefty discount.
Jillian recently posted..Anything But Coupons

April September 5, 2012 at 10:01 am

There’s a woodpecker (little fucktard) that loooooooves my siding. And his favorite place to peck is right outside my bedroom wall. One morning laying in bed listening to him ruin my siding I thought, “what if he’s trying to give me a message in morris code?!” And so now I know morris code and in case you’re wondering, he was saying “You need new siding you derailed whoretrain.” I think he reads your blog.
April recently posted..Ireland Part 2 – Blarney

Rachel September 5, 2012 at 10:26 am

I think stupid/crazy shit too. I had to quit reading the health section of CNN because every single time that a new virus or bacteria or anything is discovered, or if there’s an outbreak of anything (for example, West Nile), my mind automatically goes to “OMFG THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE” and then I freak out and start planning with grocery lists that consist of grains and beans and water, and I contemplate going to Home Depot and buying supplies to fortify my house with. Every. Fucking. Time. My boyfried thinks I’m crazy, but he appreciates my readiness in the event of an apocalyptic event.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd September 5, 2012 at 11:42 am

My mom broke a wine glass in another room a couple of weeks ago and I thought it was finally my time to be murdered.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..The All-New Super Friends Roundup: S2 Ep6D – “Flood of Diamonds”

Dana the Biped September 5, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Your therapist must have really uncomfortable chairs…
Dana the Biped recently posted..Vacation Fail.

Todd September 5, 2012 at 1:29 pm

I think really stupid things all the time. And then I think, “holy shit, if there’s anyone in this room who can read minds, they’ll think I’m an absolute idiot! I had better think about something intelligent instead.” (several minutes later) “Crap! I got nuthin’.”
Todd recently posted..Craigslist II … Even Craigslistier!

Bobbie September 5, 2012 at 2:49 pm

You mean like the first time I watch Shark Wranglers? I watched that poor, enormous great white lying on its back on a deck, being force-fed water through what looked to be an unnecessarily large and uncomfortable hose, and having a tracking device implanted in its stomach. Normal people would think, “That poor shark!” I thought– actually said out loud– “I wonder if that’s what it’s like to be abducted by aliens?” And then leaving work early today, after I texted my fiance to let him know I was on my way home, I thought, “Maybe I should’ve just shown up without warning, so if he’s cheating on me, I can catch him in the act and kick both of their asses.” And then wondered if I could smash a whore’s face really fast before he could restrain me. Even though he’s never given me any reason to think he would cheat and is, in fact, very loyal and affectionate. See? Not. Normal.

Laurel September 5, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Whenever I see a streetlight flicker I assume it’s the government snapping another picture of me doing something I don’t want them to know about. This has recently become problematic given the streetlight across from my bedroom window has been flickering for the last week.

Also, regarding your ‘submarine = UFOs for fish’ theory, have you read ‘Fluke: a novel. Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings’? Cause Christopher Moore could shed some light on this for you! He qualifies as a Funny Bitch in my books.

Johi September 5, 2012 at 5:04 pm

I usually am not even paying attention to my thoughts because I’m too busy fogging up the glass with my hot breath and trying to figure out how to write my name backwards like the fine waitstaff at Romano’s Macaroni Grill.
Johi recently posted..Some thoughts are better off unwritten

Jaime September 5, 2012 at 7:37 pm

love, love, LOVE the macaroni grill…. does anyone else draw inappropriate drawings on the table and giggle incessantly? …just me?

Jaime recently posted..the past is behind us…

Myth September 5, 2012 at 7:35 pm

If we say “your fly is undone,” does that mean flies say “your human is undone?”

Ashley September 5, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Derailed whoretrain. That almost made me shoot my iced tea out my nose.
Ashley recently posted..I think it’s time to break up with Facebook.

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) September 5, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Today’s blog explains most of it.

The fact that I haven’t noticed a bridge I’ve been driving over or the river running beneath it for the entire month I’ve been living in this town almost makes the fact that I didn’t notice a huge victorian funeral home at the end of the street for an entire year seem almost… normal.

I think weird things all the time. I’ve reached a point where I’m not longer able to judge my weirdness.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..I spy with my blind right eye…

Delfin Joaquin Paris III September 5, 2012 at 11:36 pm

I won’t post links or anything, but I wrote two stories on my blog about this. The first was about only this year I found out that the red thing in a green olive was put there by man. I thought it was just part of the olive.

Back in high school, my senior year, I thought pasta came from the sea. Like harvested from the ocean. And I was in honors classes.

If you search around of my blog you’ll find it.
Delfin Joaquin Paris III recently posted..D.J. Gets a Freebie! (Wink, Wink!)

Stephanie September 7, 2012 at 7:02 am

Seriously? I didn’t know that either about olives. I feel so stupid now.

downloadable08 September 6, 2012 at 12:16 am

I totally do the same thing with “inventory”, but usually only when it’s being said in a British accent. Then it just reminds me of “conservatory”, which is also a place, so you know what? I don’t think it’s our fault for being confused.

I also get SERIOUSLY freaked out by deja vu. For me, it’s not “huh, this seems kinda familiar”; it’s more “I swear on a stack of Bibles that I have stood in this spot and said this very thing to these very people, so why THE EVERLOVING FUCK am I the only one who remembers it?!” If I ever see Hugo Weaving on the street, there might be some collateral damage just from me trying to run. (My escape will, of course, be helped by the fact that he has no idea who I am. THEORETICALLY.)

Megan September 6, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I have reached a point where I have recognized there is minimal difference between the way my brain works vs. the way the brain of an average person with an IQ only slightly above dear-god-how-can-you-be-so-stupid works.

While I was in high school, my family embarked on a road trip from TN to Niagara Falls for funsies. Lady luck shone down on me for some reason as my parents determined that I would be able to follow them in my own car (with my boyfriend at the time) instead of all of us piling into a sedan because my dad refused to rent a car with enough seats to comfortably seat 6 people. Anyway, fast forwarding to best part of that trip – as we were leaving Canada, the customs agent simply said “Citizenship?” I immediately thought “they’re just giving away Canadian citizenships these days?” Then I wondered if I could get discounts anywhere with it (like some kind of customer loyalty program or something – I was and probably still am retarded). Finally I decided I would read the brochure that presumably came with my new membership later, turned to the agent and said “yes.”

To make it worse, the agent’s next words were “American, right?”

The Management September 6, 2012 at 3:22 pm

“you derailed whoretrain.”….. ohhhh man, too funny. my coworker is staring at me for laughing.

Lauren@FilingJointly September 6, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I have never-ending dumb thoughts. I am fine with them as long as they stay cooped up in my brain where they belong. They don’t often do that though. Like a couple of months ago on the way to the airport my husband randomly turned to me and was like “Don’t you think the word vestibule is fun to say?” And I of course was like, “That was a dumb as shit thing you just asked me.” But then I couldn’t get the stupid word out of my head and kept repeating it all “VEST-i-bule, vesti-BULE,” and so on and so forth until we were in a very crowded line at security and I looked at the guy examining my boarding pass and I thought I just THOUGHT IN MY HEAD “I wonder if he thinks vestibule is a fun word to say.” And then that dude was like “Vestibule is a fine word ma’am.”
Lauren@FilingJointly recently posted..“I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, sir,’ said Alice, ‘Because I’m not myself you see.”

Jen September 6, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Last week I was at Target when I started pondering which items from the dollar bin would be most useful in a zombie attack and which one of my children I would use as a human shield but c’mon. . .we all do that, right? ((crickets))
Jen recently posted..If You’re Happy and You Know It Clap Yo’ Hands, Bitches!

Dave in Sherman September 6, 2012 at 7:01 pm

” Blessed are the cracked, for it is they who let in the Light”
Dave in Sherman recently posted..Week #2

Kristal September 6, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Sometimes when I am in public and start thinking weird stuff, I catch myself, certain there is someone around me who can read thoughts and is backing slowly away, whilst dialing 911. I live in fear people. It isn’t my fault though, I think my brain is doing drugs behind my back.

Valerie September 6, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Just today I was at Starbucks and noticed they had Reeses PB Cup cookies. I spent the next few minutes lightly stroking the glass and talking to the cookies, enjoying our conversation about mermaids who lure the pirates to sea to kill them. But the cookies only wanted to make my ass fat, not kill me. All was well in my world til some asshole kid was all “Mommy, why is that lady talking to the cookies?” Her mom called her over, like I was some kind of weirdo. So, to prove to them that I was not, I looked over and said “These are Reeses PB Cup Cookies.”

I’m pretty sure they understood then. Maybe.


Valerie recently posted..The Perfect Plan for Serial Killers (Patent Pending)

Cowgirl Red September 9, 2012 at 9:08 pm

I had a flat tire on my horse trailer ….. it’s my husbands fault….. I hate him … I want a divorce.
(FYI He wasn’t with me, he doesn’t ride horses)

I’m just a run of the mill derailed whoretrain. Terah

nadine September 10, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Sometimes when there are no people on the road, I consider if everyone else died and I’m the only one left in the world… or if some sort of Langoliers shit happened.
nadine recently posted..This Is Why I Stay Home

Meaghan September 11, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Oh my god, you mean I’m not the only one who hears hoofbeats and thinks zebras? I swear, there must be something in the DSM for ‘brain jumps to the least likely conclusion with the slightest input.’ In the past, I have seen a clump of grass in a field on the side of the road and jumped straight to ‘ostrich’ (I suppose this mightn’t be so ridiculous elsewhere, but I live in IRELAND), had the motion-sensing light above my work desk go out (speaks volumes about how exciting my work is) and thought it must have been that a ghost came out of my computer (because I was working with a text about ghosts, of course), and caught my reflection in the living room window while unlocking the front door and thought it was a creepy person standing in my living room. The worst part? That last one happens EVERY DAY.

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