Sometimes people tell me, “Oh man, Noa, I wish I could be in your head for just a day and see your crazy thoughts.”
I always laugh it off. “No, you really don’t.” Not because it’s boring in there, or because I have really disturbing thoughts like what happens if you put kittens in the path of a sentient weed eater. Not because I’m shy.
It’s because 90% of the things I think are the dumbest fucking things in the world, and I would be embarrassed for them to know how stupid I really am.
Lights flicker for half a second.
Normal People Think: Huh.
Noa Thinks: Have I just been involved in some kind of time skip? I better check to see if Adrian’s still in this dimension with me.
What is wrong with you, shitbag? Your bulb is going out, you’re not involved in the History Channel version of Tuesday.
Reading the word, “Inventory.”
Normal People Think: That’s an accumulation/list of things.
Noa Thinks: That’s a special lab where people invent things.
You never should have sniffed canned air that one time in Home Ec, you derailed whoretrain.
Upon thinking, “This chair is uncomfortable,” and seeing someone else shift in a similar chair.
Normal People Think: NOT A GODDAMN THING.
Noa Thinks: My God, I’m manipulating that person with my telepathic abilities. KILL, MAN IN CHAIR.
Hope your therapist doesn’t read this.
Seeing a woman wearing a long purple coat in Kroger.
Normal People Think: That’s an unusual coat.
Noa Thinks: I didn’t even know that Kroger had job openings for wizards. That’s very equal of them.
They hired her to stock the goddamn shelves and not rule all of mankind with her mythical powers from beyond. Nailed it, dumbass.
Watching a commerical featuring a submarine.
Normal People Think: It’s a submarine.
Noa Thinks: I wonder if submarines are UFO’s for fish. Is there a whole school dedicated to proving they exist?
Just a regular Carl Fucking Sagan, are we Noa?
Ending a conversation.
Normal People Think: This has been nice. I enjoyed learning about this person. I will tell them this, and then leave.
Noa Thinks: If I just turn slightly to the side and discontinue eye contact, that’s a signal for the conversation to end, right?
No it’s not. That doesn’t even make you awkward, it makes you an asshole.
I shouldn’t be allowed internet access.
What’s a dumb thought that you had recently?– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Ally: “I’m pretty sure that we ate people at a BBQ joint off of I-81 in Virginia. We stopped in because it was advertised as ‘the best Darn BBQ’ and we’re suckers for that kind of advertising. My wife ordered ribs, which turned out to be gray, gristly, and suspiciously small like they had come from a small child. The bathroom was covered in blood so that’s obviously where they do their children sacrifice/slaughtering. All I am saying is that you should never ever eat at a place called “Smiley’s BBQ.”