The Feng Shui Is A Little…’Fuck You’

09/17/2012 · 63 comments

in Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

To [redacted] Residents Management,
You might think that a business contractually obligating people to pay an assload every month might want to keep people there, but you show that common business practice what you’re made of every single day by being the most incompetent sons-of-bitches shilling brochures on granite countertops.

You are some shady motherfuckers.

Cons Of This Apartment Complex:

  • One singular drawer.
  • Hands frequently stuck in the 4-inch-wide kitchen cabinets, making me feel like my kitchen is a giant Noa trap.
  • Not allowed to have a doormat in an enclosed hallway for continuity’s sake. Management, however, will replace all surfaces of elevator with non-matching faux-paneling that smells strongly of weed for dickbag’s sake.
  • Maintenance staff feels it appropriate to comment on my choice of outfit for the day, and to notify other residents (but never myself) that my jeans are viewed as “inappropriate clothing.”
  • Apparently a dress code is enforced to go to the mail room.
  • Unless you want to wear a speedo, and then that’s totally cool. Carry on.
  • 90% of kitchen outlets an unreasonable distance from kitchen (1 next to sink, 9 on the outside of the bar towards the floor)
  • Fire alarms will sound if I am wearing a grey shirt, using grey nail polish, wielding a silver sharpie, or have ever/will ever think about smoke or smoke colored items–even hypothetically.
  • Once a month, electronic keys go out, and callbox must be used to dial old resident (currently residing in Georgia) to press 5 and let me in to my own apartment complex.
  • Fire alarm tests that require all alarms in the entire building to be left on for 45 minutes on an early Friday morning.
  • Fire alarm tests that enable non-management/maintenance staff to have a key to my apartment and an apparent all-clear to enter my apartment.
  • Security gate that never works, but car thieves that do.
  • Security doors, elevators, and locks that apparently do not keep out rapists/robbers.
  • Weirdly astroturfed and, by law, off-limits sculpture garden that I think mostly serves as a Pigeon suicide ground right under my patio.
  • Air conditioner comes on, the lights in my kitchen go off.
  • Rolling office chair and occasional running of disposal creates a loud enough disturbance for my downstairs neighbor to file a noise complaint.
  • Can hear upstairs neighbor having presumably violent sex/unbelievably harsh workout on a rowing machine from 5-8 PM daily.
  • My dog may not bark at the huge lab that barks at her, but the two asshole bloodhounds outside the grassy pet area are allowed to assault any motherfucker they want.
  • Your adorable Pinterest contest where if I post a picture of myself holding an “I Love [redacted]” sign, I could win $150. Blood money, dickduffles.
  • Under 99% of the flight paths out of Love Field and DFW Airport, making every hour feel like StarScream has taken a personal and bitter vendetta against my sense of security.
  • The flight path apparently does not bother downstairs neighbor, but the IKEA chair better tag a muffler on that bullshit.
  • Never visited a fast food restaurant near building that has gotten the order even partially correct. I assume you to be responsible.
Pros Of This Apartment Complex:
  • It is not, as far as I know, an entrance to Hell.

That’s not a selling point, assclowns.

Ever had a truly horrendous rental/house experience? What did you do?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Mayor Gia: “Aw, I love them. Although sometimes I don’t get the joke. Sigh. Damnit, science. Thwarting me again!” 
Mayor Gia September 17, 2012 at 7:03 am

Bahah, not sure which one is worst. Maybe hav ing management comment on your clothes. Carry mace.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Boyfriend’s Gone for a Whole Stupid Week

Noa September 18, 2012 at 2:03 am

For the management? I could jump on board with that.

Misty September 17, 2012 at 7:41 am

Oh man. Your complex has a speedo dress code? Where is this magical land, and why aren’t I residing there?
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Noa September 18, 2012 at 2:29 am

In the wonderful world of Dallas, the world capital of Aquanet.

Abby Shields September 17, 2012 at 8:07 am

I once rented a tiny 500 square foot apartment, which went through three owners in the time I was there (one year) I left as soon as I could and they attempted to sue me for a second years worth of rent, despite the contract clearly stating one year. I even gave them 30 days notice. They quickly retracted their offer to sue after I pointed out the fact that the pipes had burst twice, flooding my bedroom with gunky water, the AC had caught fire, i once had a fly infestation for two weeks due to a dead animal beneath my apartment which allowed fly access through a window crack (they refused to seal) and mold growing on the ceiling for 6 months from the first flood, which they refused to fix. They claimed my apartment smelled horrid, and it would take a professional cleaning crew to fix it. That was true. Places tend to smell poorly when there are dead animals beneath them, and mold growing on the ceilings.
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Noa September 18, 2012 at 2:30 am

Holy shit, were you renting a cabin in Deliverance? That’s one of the worst renting experiences I’ve ever heard.

Jillian September 17, 2012 at 9:25 am

My apartment manager makes sure to let me know when he’s just come from kickboxing. I think it’s supposed to be sexy. I’m not really sure, though, because he giggles when he says it.
Jillian recently posted..Jill’s Notes: Edgar Allan Poe

Bill G. September 17, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Yes, the mention of kickboxing is supposed to make you hot. And the giggling is just from smoking pot afterwards.

Noa September 18, 2012 at 2:31 am

Wow, that’s uh…unbelievably rapey.

Jen September 17, 2012 at 9:26 am

My downstairs neighbors smoke so much chronic that my apartment smells like the pot-a-potties at Burning Man, but apparently that is acceptable. My doormat that reads “Wipe Your Fucking Feet”? Not so much.
Jen recently posted..Mother Nature Can Suck It

Bill G. September 17, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Just your luck, the cops will be serving a search warrant on the downstairs apartment and accidentally hit your place one floor above. They’ll bust in the door, “Yep, this is the place!! It smells like Willie Nelson’s tour bus in here.” (And if they actually found it, a couple ounces would actually make it to the police station.)

Noa September 18, 2012 at 2:32 am

Ah, the Pacific Northwest, where weed is cool but cussing is not.

Jillian September 18, 2012 at 8:59 am

You just explained why I feel like an outsider in my own land. Thank you.
Jillian recently posted..Jill’s Notes: Edgar Allan Poe

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Oh Texas, where it’s 9 Billion Degrees until December, cussing and weed aren’t cool unless it’s Austin, and passive-aggression is the only sport we love more than Football.

Bill G. September 29, 2012 at 11:30 pm

And don’t forget, every major city in Texas has had roughly 800 episodes of COPS filmed there as a warning to outsiders.

Monica September 17, 2012 at 10:19 am

I just left a 750-square-foot apartment that had some interesting quirks.

— The smoke detector went off when I heated up the pancake grill. No lie.
— It had a built-in desk but no outlets near the desk, so I had to wire shit into the kitchen.
— One of the outlets in the kitchen didn’t work unless you put on the overhead light.
— You couldn’t open one of the cabinets all the way because it banged into the microwave door, so I had to prop it open with my head.
— Best of all: Every time there was a hard rain, the apartment flooded. Somehow, the third floor of a 9-floor building took on so much water that my husband and I had to cut holes in the ceiling to keep it from collapsing. When it rained and we weren’t home, we had to have a friend go over and tarp our shit.

So happy to be gone.
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Noa September 18, 2012 at 2:35 am

The physics of that happening boggles the mind. You had to tarp your shit on the third floor of a NINE FLOOR BUILDING?

Monica September 18, 2012 at 10:14 am

Yeah. Shitty construction on the 9th floor caused water to rush into a hole at the top of the building. All the floors on the way down took some damage, but the pipe the water followed turned at the third floor, which caused all the water to settle on our apartment.

On the bright side, our cats caused a fair amount of piss damage that we were able to pass off as water damage, since the rest of the apartment took so much. That’s the only reason we got our security deposit back.
Monica recently posted..Behold my suddenly fabulous knockers

Bill G. September 18, 2012 at 9:11 pm

I thought I had some crazy apartment experiences. Never mind…

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Shitty damage for the win!

Sarah September 17, 2012 at 11:22 am

We once lived in an apartment complex that allowed the weirdest residents ever to live above our heads. There was the Houdini baby (she was less than two years old, and always escaping the apartment). She liked to show up in my apartment (perhaps ours WAS an entrance to hell). Then there was the couple who buried things in the greenspace behind our ground level apartment. I’m hoping it wasn’t bodies. It could have been very, very small bodies. There was the “let me teach myself to play guitar by fumbling the same Creed song over and over again at 4 in the morning” douche canoe. My husband had an altercation with him. And then there was the woman who routinely came down and asked to borrow inappropriate, sexually themed items that we did not have on hand. Then there was the guy who was running from the law who jumped out of the second story bedroom window when they knocked on his front door, landed in the bushes outside our window, and then proceeded to drag his injured self away.

I could keep going…
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Noa September 18, 2012 at 2:37 am

I must–MUST–know these inappropriate and sexually-themed items. So intrigued.

Sarah September 19, 2012 at 8:15 am

I think my favorite was when she asked for a cup or so of vegetable oil and something long– that was wider than a toothbrush but smaller than a cucumber. A carrot, perhaps.

Her words. not mine.
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Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Oh God. It’s so much worse than I thought.

Victoria Elizabeth September 17, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Oh, I don’t know… there must be *something* to be said, for not being a portal to hell.

Noa September 18, 2012 at 2:37 am

It’s only $assload every month for the soon-to-be entrance to hell!

Jackie G September 17, 2012 at 12:59 pm

The place I currently live is a total clusterfuck of management assholes. It used to be on base housing, so they think we are used to really strict and asinine rules and decided to come up with new ones for funsies.

I got a violation of lease notice for having my hose on the hose holder. When I asked why, they said it was because it was winter and the hose should be stored inside. I asked where the Dr. Seuss addendum had been added to lease saying we can’t keep things on their provided holders, and since it’s NOT FUCKING THERE they ‘absolved me’ from the violation (she seriously said that, like I had said the Lord’s name in vein and so she had to go light a candle for me or some shit).

I’ve also gotten letters for having a fire pit sitting in my front yard for a day (“No burning of items during a burn ban.”), for having a cooler drain in my front yard for approximately 2 hours (“No front yard storage.”) and for my grass being “the opposite of aesthetically pleasing to the eye”. But my neighbors have a cinder blocks and dog shit as well as dirty plastic toys all of their backyard, and also park in front of my driveway. That’s cool, though. Cause their hose is in their motherfucking garage, they understand RULES.

Bill G. September 17, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Holy crap, this sounds like the dorm nazis my first year of college. My car got ticketed in the parking lot because I parked two inches from the line on an end parking space. My side mirror stuck out over the line, which “impeded traffic” (even though the gap between the end spot and the curb was wide enough to park 3 cars abreast). I got out of the ticket by giving blood.

When the residents complained that the RAs were literally parking on the sidewalks, we were told that they have “executive parking privileges” and couldn’t be ticketed unless they blocked fire hydrants or building exits. The RAs quit doing it after their cars kept getting vandalized, including one enterprising individual who took a shit in an RA’s car and left the windows down to attract every fly in the state.

I served 6 years in the Navy. The rules in the barracks were not as fucked-up as what you had to live with. What a bunch of fucks. When you have authority in an apartment complex, you have a lot of power over people’s lives. Sadly, a lot of people who aspire for that kind of position are not the kind of people that should be in that kind of position. Most of them don’t have the strength of character necessary and go nuts over having some power in their lives, usually for the first time.

Jackie G September 18, 2012 at 2:04 am

The funny thing is, the leasing company is always looking for new employees and usually target military spouses. They’ll hire a few, and then those spouses realize what a god damn circus that shitshow of an agency is, and they’ll end up quitting because they refuse to stand behind some of the ridiculous crap they try to pull on us.

I wrote them the angriest thing I have ever typed after I got one violation saying that “we need to water our yard more, but only between the hours of 6pm and 8 am, which by the way – is when we are closed so we’ll have no idea either way if you do it or not, HAHA.” A newer agent tried to call and talk reason to me and ended up saying something along the lines of “alright, we suck, I’m sorry.” I haven’t gotten a single violation since then, probably cause I now have a “THIS BITCH IS CRAZY” sticker on my file.

Bill G. September 18, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Haha! You’re like Elaine from Seinfeld. They wrote “difficult tenant” in your file.

They probably target military spouses on the logic that they have thick skins, which they have to. Problem is, a military spouse puts up with a fuck-ton of shit from the military because they have to or the spouse gets fucked with by people who can take away a stripe and put them in the brig for damn near anything. Do you think they’ll also put up with this batshit craziness from an entry-level subsistence job? Not bloody likely!

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Adrian left the most frightening voicemail I’ve ever heard last Friday after the fire alarm test that woke him out of a dead sleep. They’ve been so very nice to us since then!

nadine September 17, 2012 at 1:06 pm

One of the amenities of my “luxury” apartment complex is that they will receive & sign for packages on your behalf. They are supposed to call you to let you know you have a package to pick up. But… this is really screwy because how is one supposed to get a package (presumably received while at work) when the office is only open 9-5, and then on Sundays they decide they will send your package back if you don’t pick it up. Especially frustrating when they don’t call you to let you know you got a package and then arbitrarily send it back.
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Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Fucking ‘luxury’ apartments. I haven’t lived in one that’s actually been a goddamn luxury.

Bill G. September 26, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Fuckin’-A. If you see one with “Manor” in the title, run!

Dana the Biped September 17, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Management changed the locks to two of the three entrances to my building. No one got new keys.

There are two outlets in the closet, but none in the bathroom. The refrigerator is in the pantry.

A 35′ industrial-grade extension cord connects window AC in my bedroom to the outlet in my living room. It’s the only outlet that will run the thing without blowing a fuse.

The fuse box for my apartment is in the next building over. That building’s fuses boxes are in my basement.

Yesterday, my neighbor’s parole officer taped an angry note to my mailbox by mistake.

But hey, rent is cheap.
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Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:29 pm

It better be cheap to have to live there. Goddamn…

Bill G. September 29, 2012 at 11:44 pm

Speaking of keys, I had a friend in the college dorms get the cops called on him during a housing committee meeting. Background: he lost his room key and they charged him $300. Why? The powers-that-be claim that when a resident loses their key, they have to re-key the building since any key can get a person into the lobby after hours. So he dutifully paid his $300, then a month later came to the housing meeting asking, “OK, I paid my $300. So when are you going to RE-KEY THE FUCKING BUILDING?!?!?!?!?!” Big surprise, they fucking lied. That fucking place never got re-keyed. There’s more stealing out of that place than the projects in any inner city. Why would the staff, who all live off-campus, give a fat fuck?

Winopants September 17, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Truth, all luxury apartment complexes seemed to be managed by alien overlords from the planet Xenu.
My favorite story: My friend, who was paying exorbitant amounts of money for his place, was asked to stay out of his *newly built* apartment for a week so they could fix shoddy work done on Comcast lines, or something or that nature. He was in grad school at the time, and had mountains of reading and writing to do.
The thing about the dress code is just bizarre. Though a speedo dress code.. depending on who my neighbors were, I could welcome that

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:30 pm

I live in the gay district, so I’ll be honest, the speedo wearers are smoking hot. That guy above me works out 3 hours a day, just that I can hear. The way he looks, it must be considerably more.

blondie September 17, 2012 at 4:58 pm

No, but once we stayed in a motel room that we were pretty sure was the scene of a murder.

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:31 pm

You say that like it’s no big thing.

downloadable08 September 17, 2012 at 7:30 pm

– Flea infestation that’s taken me weeks to get rid of
– All of the buildings have a tendency towards mold, to the extent that one of the points on my lease is signing that I acknowledge the dangers of it and will do my best to prevent it in my unit (ventilating the bathroom, keeping a window open, etc.)
– In half of my apartment (bedroom and living area), the wall outlets are controlled by switches–in theory. In reality, the switches work in the living room, but in the bedroom, half of the outlets are always on and half are always off. Makes it hard to use the light switch, even for a plugged-in lamp! (And of course, there is no overhead lighting.)
– At least once a month, my neighbors party until after 2 a.m. They used to play their music so loud I could hear the lyrics through the wall, even after I asked them to turn it down. Since I work early shift, my alarm goes off at 4:30 a.m. I just started turning it as loud as it would go (and occasionally forgetting to turn it off when I left for the weekend.) They tend to keep the music to below 70 decibels and the blender use to before 1 a.m. now.
– In the nearest laundry room (one of four for the complex), there are six sets of washers and dryers and two industrial-sized garbage cans. People STILL toss their lint behind the dryers, because they’d rather catch the whole place on fire than walk TEN FUCKING FEET to throw it away.

– It’s in my budget (i.e., dirt poor)
– Walking distance from work

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:35 pm

People are the fucking worst. “OH MAN, I don’t want to walk OVER THERE.”

I tried that in my house once. And then I picked it up because I’m not a 15th century peasant.

Valerie September 17, 2012 at 9:38 pm

I saw this movie once where there was an apartment building with the door to hell in the attic. And there was an old blind nun that had to guard it, or some shit. So, before you go adding that to the pro side, you may want to check the attic and/or top apartment for old blind nuns. Also, I think that movie ended with some chick finding the door to hell and having to be blind replacement nun because she accidentally sent a pterodactyl loose. So tread softly.


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Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Was that “The Apartment?” I think I saw it once, and stopped halfway through because seriously, what the hell was going on?

Jaime September 17, 2012 at 9:42 pm

wtf does management have anything to do with what you fucking wear??? Even when going outside… if your junk is covered…. it’s legal … go fuck yourselves.
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Bill G. September 18, 2012 at 9:25 pm

No fucking doubt. Sounds to me like somebody is asking for a well-place kick to the nads and/or a little thump-therapy from dad/boyfriend/husband/you.

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:38 pm

That’s what I’d love to know. I know my jeans are holey as fuck, but my ass is covered. It’s literally no different than wearing shorts.

Pish Posh September 17, 2012 at 10:54 pm

I am so jealous of your title and wish I thought of it myself.

Sounds like you need to burn the place down and have a margarita.

I’d be happy to donate a padlock and a speedo. Because fuck them that’s why.
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Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Hey, I’ve already had 2 housefires. I might as well swing for a third!

Bill G. September 26, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Do you have your frequent-fire card? “With 3 house fires, the next one is FREE!!!”

Delfin Joaquin Paris III September 18, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Nope – the ones I stalk are pretty cool.
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Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Lucky bastard.

Janene September 18, 2012 at 10:56 pm

I knew it was time to move when I slept through the 2am shit show of the crazy lady cursing and swearing while jumping on the trunk of her car in the parking lot in front of my apartment. According to my parents who were visiting and had the misfortune to be rudely awoken from their sleep, it was the most profane thirty minutes they had ever heard. Crazy lady “fucked this” and “fucked that” and “fuck you’d” while the trunk of the carthuwhumped and thuwhumped as she angrily stomped across it.

Now I live next to a graveyard. Eternally peaceful. I love my new neighbours.

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Come into the light, Carol Anne.

Satan September 19, 2012 at 4:41 am

i’ve lived in a LOT of shitty places, but the one that tops the whole list of them has to be the top floor of an elderly house i lived in, while in Portland, OR.
we only had this one ANCIENT little central heater in the living room. when my roommate and i turned it on… we both immediately got incredibly ill.
WHY, you ask? oh, because the heater’s insulation WAS ASBESTOS. as were the tiles on the outside of the house…
ask me what it’s like to heat the entire 2nd story of a house with 2 space heaters! because i know!
in case the LUNG CANCER risk wasn’t bad enough, the whole place was dustier than a coal mine, and have i mentioned i’m asthmatic and allergic to everything?

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:44 pm


Wait, don’t you live in NOLA?

Annegirrl September 27, 2012 at 1:04 pm

No heat in February, in NE Ohio, in a 3 story apartment with radiant heaters. Radiant heat requires hot water. The cold water coming from the boiler OUTSIDE didn’t make it very far. So, we turned on the electric oven and left its door open.

Apartment did not come with the customary window blinds other tenants received.

Told we had to pay extra to keep the cats they saw sleeping in the windows. Cats had window access because we didn’t have window coverings that were supposed to be supplied by management.

Stapled old comforters and blankets to the windows so management was no longer offended by sleeping cats and so we could walk around nude.

We bought a house and received almost the entire security deposit back. Except for the amount required to pay someone to clean “dusty lightbulbs in bathroom”. Never mind the ripped up carpet (cats), shredded wood railings (cats), toothpaste patched holes in the wall (psycho roommate), duct taped smoke alarm (3am wake-up screeching resulted in violent removal of said smoke alarm), and the mystery stain by the fireplace. We still don’t know what that was…
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Corey October 1, 2012 at 1:01 am

Mine involved a flood of gray water into my bedroom that my landlord refused to clean up, a very, very, very sick Bassett hound, an illegal apartment in a converted basement, involvement of the city of Seattle to get me out and tooooons of nasty, emotional, threatening emails from my landlord. I ended up getting involved a rental housing inspection legislation through the city of Seattle and was on TV for it today!!!!!

Stephanie October 5, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Our apartment complex allowed us to have two dogs up to 80 lb. each. When we moved in we filled out all necessary paperwork for our two dogs. Fast-forward 1 yr and 9 months (3 months before we moved the heck out) and we receive a hostile letter accusing us of hiding an extra dog because they only knew about one. The dog we hid? 60 lb. of pure German shepherd attitude who would hop in the bay window and bark at anybody who walked past. EVERYONE knew she was there! Oh yeah, and the townhouse next to ours (we shared a front porch) was the show townhouse for a very long time, so management was there CONSTANTLY and knew we had two dogs! When we confronted them about it they admitted that the manager that was there when we moved in was incompetent and “may” have lost our paperwork. They “graciously” decided not to charge us a bullshit extra dog fee since we’d already notified them we were moving out.

One of our dogs jumped through an open window (ground floor) to chase something unknown while we were gone and tore a hole in the screen. Maintenance asked us to pen up our dogs all day so that they could come fix the screen. Our dogs LOVED that! Maintenance didn’t show for three days in a row, so we had mercy on our dogs and repaired the screen ourselves. Four months later we saw a very confused maintenance man standing outside our townhouse looking at the screens.

I came home one day and smelled a gas leak, so I got our dogs out and called the gas company ( the apartment complex office was closed and the on-call maintenance man didn’t want to come over). The gas company guy who came out to check on it said he was calling our complex manager and telling her the townhouse was uninhabitable because if he didn’t he knew they would get around to fixing it “eventually” but this would force them to fix it the same day.

The bonus to having our dogs was that maintenance or management could NEVER come in when we weren’t home and always had to schedule visits at our convenience.

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