The Dangerballs Guide To: Effective Lazy Life-Wasting

09/12/2012 · 37 comments

in Dangerballs, I'm A Terrible Person, Psychological Warfare, Social Services

There is a thought in this world that there are two kinds of people:

  1. People who are superhuman Shit-Doers, wasting nary a second and only getting the best in life because fuck you, I’m not lazy. They never sleep, they never eat, they never finish all 6 seasons of a show in one sitting because THAT’S WASTING YOUR LIFE.
  2. Lazy Life-Wasters.

That dichotomy is unbelievably flawed, spewing the idea that only those who never stop to catch their breath are worthy people. Even Jesus wanted to chill out sometimes. Jesus went up on the Mount that famous day just to sit and think about how much he liked cheese, that’s all. He just had a fuckton of people around, so he sermoned instead. Jesus: Sometimes he just wanted to ponder cheese.

Lazy Life-Wasters long to appreciate life on the same lines of Shit-Doers, so they spend their wasted time on “How To Get Motivated” and “How To Stop Procrastinating” tip sites, praying that some hint will finally turn them into the To-Do-List-Tiller that Shit-Doers are.

The tips never work for two reasons:

  1. They were written by Shit-Doers, who have never been unmotivated. This is basically like Queen Elizabeth explaining the process of how you too can become Queen of England if you just stop whining so much. It’s often patronizing, and it’s almost always bullshit.
  2. They assume that Lazy Life-Wasters have the same levels of motivation and avoidance of procrastination, and are simply at a loss about how to implement this pooling energy into dream-plowing.

I, Noa D. Gavin, a woman with a job and a house that’s not hoarder-dirty and animals that are alive years after I adopted them, am a Lazy Life-Waster. I, Dangerballs, have some knowledge to drop on you.

You’re Never Going To Be A Shit-Doer, But You Can Get Shit Done

If you’re a Lazy Life-Waster, it’s not because you made an active choice to only dick around forever; your brain doesn’t want to do anything as much as you don’t. You’ve probably been a LLW since childhood. Likewise, you’re not going to wake up one day and suddenly be a Shit-Doer.

This will get in your way, because even LLW’s have jobs, kids, homes, hobbies, dreams, and hopes. As much fun as Snowcone-and-FuturamaFest is every single day of the week, you know well enough to know you have to do things to exist enough to waste your existence.

You can’t force self-discipline, but you can try different motivational tools until something sticks. For me, it’s writing a weekly to-do list every Sunday (a day where I feel most active). This list is broken down by day, further broken down by all steps needed to accomplishing those tasks, and the deliberate working of hard days vs. easy days–with full knowledge as to what I will and won’t do in a day. I do all my work in one block with dicking around before and after, because if I break in the middle, I’ll never do it all. And some days, all I have written down on my to-do is snowcones and Pinterest, and that’s totally fine.

Your tool might be working crazy hard all on one day, and dicking around for the rest. It might be task/reward/task/reward. It might be blocking tasks and then blocking breaks. The system doesn’t matter so much as the shit-doing does.

You’re Not Going To Get It All Done, But You Do Have To Keep Doing It

You can’t get it all done, because there is always something new on your to-do list. Sometimes, you run out of time to finish everything on your list and have to rearrange it for tomorrow. Sometimes you have absolutely zero motivation to do anything other than breathe. And all of that is totally fine.

You can move things around. You can not get it all done. You can take a day if you need to. You are, however, going to have to do those things sometime. If you’re going to dick around today, set your schedule for tomorrow before you get started doing nothing. You don’t have to do it all now, but you will have to keep doing it later.

Even if you’re snail-pacing, you’re moving, and moving breeds momentum. Give yourself a break if you feel you’re not going fast enough–you won’t be moving fast right now, because you’re not a Shit-Doer. You will, however, get used to self-discipline, and be able to add more. Just keep going.

You’re Not Wasting Your Life, But You Do Need To Figure Out What You Want Out Of It

I find it a fascinating idea that most Shit-Doers do NOTHING on vacation but sit by a pool and sleep, while most Lazy Life-Wasters are the insane people who do everything possible and available at their destination. Everyone works, and rests, differently.

Shit-Doers don’t feel personally fulfilled unless they have a stress fracture from all the doing they did today. They experience everything, feel every moment, do everything on their lists, and seem to have it all. That’s great for them. If that’s how they’re personally fulfilled, then super-duper. I also am often fulfilled by the knowledge that I did a respectable amount of work, but I am often fulfilled by days spent doing Pinterest tutorials and watching Golden Girls.

You don’t have to know exactly how to get to your big hopes or spend all day every day breaking ribs to get there, but you do need to have big hopes–otherwise the day-in-day-out is all for nothing. If you have nothing, not even a faint glimmer of, “I’d like to do this one day,” and work towards being able to do it, then I agree that you might as well not do a damn thing ever. Why bother?

Remind yourself of your big hopes when you’re doing that horribly mundane task, or that job you just can’t get started on because it’s so big. Fear that I’ll never reach that hope motivates me. It might inspire you. If it makes you more scared, then start breaking that hope into smaller hopes that seem less frightening, and then start moving.

Remember, moving breeds momentum. Smaller-hoping doesn’t mean giving up on your big hopes, it means learning to get to smaller ones so you can really tackle that big one–so don’t lose that big hope.

If you have any other questions about motivation, I’ll be re-watching all of 30 Rock and The Twilight Zone while wolfing down Pull-n-Peel Twizzlers. So, you know, I’ll get to ‘em when I get to ‘em.

Are you an SD or an LLW? What motivates you? What scares you? What are you working toward?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Monica: “Sometimes when good things I want happen to other people, I get all asshole. Then I remind myself I’m being an asshole, which helps me stop being an asshole. Then I buy drinks.” 
Mayor Gia September 12, 2012 at 7:04 am

Hmmm…I don’t know which one I am. I guess I’m motivated? It varies topic by topic. Blogging – Yes. Exercising? Not so much. Cue sad music.
Mayor Gia recently posted..All Cracked Up!

Noa September 14, 2012 at 2:39 am

I’m motivated as fuck to paint my nails. That gets me absolutely nothing in return, but those motherfuckers look sweet. You get done what you get done, you know?

Misty September 12, 2012 at 8:55 am

I am one lazy mofo. I try my damnedest to be an SD, but always seem to be fighting with what I believe is my true nature . . . sitting on the couch, watching reality programming, eating Nutella and cheese. Don’t get me wrong, I get some shit done. There are to do lists, and schedules, and schlepping of children, and working and being all professional and proficient and shit. But that takes a lot, A LOT, of effort. My natural state is more at rest. And I’m content with that. Now, if only I could make money just lazing about in my PJs, sitting in my comfy chair, drinking wine. Dreams? Yep, I’ve got ‘em.
Misty recently posted..Hide and Seek

Noa September 14, 2012 at 2:43 am

When you learn of this way to PJ-and-Drink and get paid, tell a bitch. I did fucking nothing today, and as a result, was paid nothing. I JUST WANT TO BE LAZY AND WIN, OKAY?

Rachel September 12, 2012 at 9:32 am

I’m a LLW. I used to prefer to do all my dicking around first thing in the morning, so that when I ran out of stuff to do and got bored I could do my actual work, but then I discovered the internet and all its infinite wonders and that totally fucked up my whole system. Now I dick around until I get bored, then try to do some work, and then randomly remember something I wanted to Google, and then I dick around for several more hours, usually not even looking at what I originally got online for in the first place, until I hit the “OH SHIT! I have a deadline” realization. Then I do my work as fast as I can and go back to fucking around on the internet. It works out okay, I guess.

Noa September 14, 2012 at 2:44 am

Get out of my head. That’s exactly what I do, and it’s a horrible system, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t work. Never miss a deadline, dick around a shitload.

I really shouldn’t be proud of that.

Roxie September 12, 2012 at 10:18 am

How you stayed motived to finish this post, is something, something. My motivation is not, whatever…

Noa September 14, 2012 at 2:44 am

I kept a tally of how many breaks I took writing it.


17 breaks in 2 hours.

Jillian September 12, 2012 at 10:24 am

I only get shit done when I have to get shit done. It’s always at the last minute, after watching four hours of The Big Bang Theory, writing two paragraphs of my blog, removing the calluses from my heels, and texting my mom, but before 9 pm because there’s no way I could look this rocking if I didn’t get my 10 hours of sleep.
Jillian recently posted..Anything But Coupons

Noa September 14, 2012 at 2:46 am

I wish I could go to bed at 9. I do all my best work from 2-7 AM, and it’s fucking killing me. YOU HAVE IT ALL, JILLIAN.

Jen September 12, 2012 at 11:47 am

I think I straddle the fence between the two. I kinda have to wear the SD hat to support my short people and keep Children’s Services off of my ass, but at the end of the day when the work day is over, the cub scout uniforms have been ironed, the lunches are packed, and the shorties are in bed, it’s all about lying on the couch watching “Dance Moms” and eating Wheat Thins. Bitches gotta slack, yo.
Jen recently posted..I Blame Kristen Stewart

Noa September 14, 2012 at 2:55 am

Moms who aren’t natural SD’s blow my fucking mind. You bitches can wear all these different getting shit done sashes and chill at night, and I can barely wake up before noon.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd September 12, 2012 at 11:51 am

I’m a LLW. I’ve wasted a huge amount of energy worrying about how I’m not a shit-doer. I need to take a lot of breaks and definitely need dicking around time padding almost every productive thing I do just like you mentioned. I always try and remind myself that I just wouldn’t be HAPPY forcing myself to be the other type.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..I think I’ll just call this post “Pulled Pork.” Why the hell not.

Noa September 14, 2012 at 2:57 am

That’s always the fine balance–it’s never as if LLW’s want to never get anything done, it’s that their brains just don’t work like that. My MIL and FIL have this fight constantly. I just can’t work like that–all out, 100% of the time if someone doesn’t have a knife to my husband’s throat or something.

Sorbus September 12, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Huh. My parents are SDs who are all DO EVERYTHING QUICK NO TIME FOR RELAXATION on vacation. I used to be a total Shit-Doer but then I sort of wound up in a psychiatric hospital for a week and maybe left behind a part of my mind there and have been stupid and lazy ever since. And none of the “How To Stop Procrastinating” tips work for someone who has suddenly found himself inexplicably confused by sandwiches and the number 72.

Noa September 14, 2012 at 2:58 am

Welcome to the fun side.

Also, 72 is fucked up.

Dana the Biped September 12, 2012 at 12:58 pm

My motivational tool? Invite a particularly judge-y friend over. Does the trick every time.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Remember Me? That Blogger Who Isn’t Dead? (Yet.)

Noa September 14, 2012 at 2:58 am

Nothing gets my house cleaner than my MIL.

Noa September 14, 2012 at 2:58 am

Also? You’re so goddamn funny.

suzanna danna September 12, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Holy balls… this is a lot of pressure.
suzanna danna recently posted..Happy Labor Day 2012

Noa September 14, 2012 at 2:59 am

I know. Just take a break to think about it, and work whenever you feel like it. I’ll be drinking margaritas in the mean time.

Mandi September 12, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Aw, hell. I’m one of those overachieving shit-doing assholes. I was sick Monday and on my day at home, I still agonized through the searing migraine and perpetual muscle weakness over whether I should sleep/read/recover or hang pictures and assemble furniture and then sleep/read/recover.

I’m sorry, y’all. I can’t help what I am.
Mandi recently posted..The world is full of so much sickening fail.

Noa September 14, 2012 at 3:00 am

You and my SIL both. I swear she redid her entire kitchen while breastfeeding twins. You are a badass, ma’am.

Jay September 12, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Needless shit-doer. Well, not needless. I have shit to do and I have to do it, or no amount of vodka and Blackadder re-runs will make me feel any better. Sometimes I think my job was the worst decision ever cos it means I HAVE to be a shit-doer, lest I fall behind and be mocked by the platelet group. Sticky bastards…

Noa September 14, 2012 at 3:00 am

Those fucking platelets are judgmental bastards. Don’t let ‘em get you down.

Tammy September 12, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Unfortunately I am a LLW. I think Rachel summed up my workday pretty well. I saw a saying recently that said, “When you leave it to the last minute, it only takes a minute.” That pretty much sums up my life…

Noa September 14, 2012 at 3:01 am

It’s reasoning like that which keeps me in my cycle of mostly rest and 1 hour worth of real work at day.

Haley September 12, 2012 at 11:12 pm

I found myself lacking any motivation to complete school work because Life has taken one giant shit on me. I ended up Indian style in my dorm in a pair of sweats with a bowl of dry Special K, a carton of Juicy Juice, watching Spongebob and was immediately able to hash out a 10 page paper. No shame.
Haley recently posted..Just tell me I’m conceited and wrong. Please.

Noa September 14, 2012 at 3:02 am

Sometimes, you have to eat dry cereal and dick around because that’s what your brain needs. Keep that shit up.

Jaclyn September 13, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Noa, you know my life. LLW 4 Ever. I married a fucking dumbass Shit-Doer- he can’t understand my LLW ways. It makes me want to punch him like 80% of the time.
Jaclyn recently posted..Asshole, Dick, Fuck. In That Order.

Noa September 14, 2012 at 3:03 am

Adrian is a weird combo of an SD/LLW. That man works like crazy, but when he’s home, he isn’t going to do anything but play Assassin’s Creed. Granted, he also wakes up at a normal time, so I can’t really compete with him.

Jacki September 13, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Sorry, I’m one of those SDs, so bad that I have to schedule time to intensely relax.

But I just had to comment because the line about the queen in this post was so freaking funny I spat coffee out my nose! Gold!
Jacki recently posted..Not Drowning, Waving

Noa September 14, 2012 at 3:04 am

Why thank you very much. I’m very envious of your SD ways.

Valerie September 13, 2012 at 9:16 pm

This one really hit home. I only do things: 1. when I gotta, and 2. when I’m on vacation. It’s not by choice. I just like to drink.


Valerie recently posted..Kenny’s Shorts vs Val’s Sunglasses: An Epic Battle of our Times

Noa September 14, 2012 at 3:04 am

I just like to paint my nails. Bitches gotta do what bitches gotta do.

Diablo 3 Legendary June 20, 2013 at 1:46 am

sooo, not being able gain access to the game for 2 days was’t a lrage benefit?

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