So Don’t Fuck Everything Up, Okay?

09/24/2012 · 42 comments

in Grace, I'm A Terrible Person, I'm not funny here., Love, My Family Is Strikingly Odd.

Dear FetusNiece,

You’ll be here in just a few months, and I am pretty excited about it.

I was the first one who knew you were a thing. Beside Grace, of course. That would’ve been weird if even she didn’t know. I’m not psychic, FetusNiece, so stop calling me with your lovelorn crap already. I would make a LaToya Jackson joke here, but you won’t get it and I already feel old.

You are still like an amazing science project to me right now–like a chemistry set autographed by Neil deGrasse Tyson. Sidenote: if you don’t know who Neil deGrasse Tyson is by the time you read this, I have failed you.

Also, your existence means my sister was the first one to have a baby, and is therefore the test subject. Holy shit, is that a load off my ass. I wanted to call you TestBaby, but apparently that’s “socially harmful,” as were the other 45 names I offered. Thank your grandmother for that.

You’re going to be 18 or so before your mom lets you read this, which is a good thing, because by that time you will have already formed your opinions about these people and don’t have to rely on this insanity.

Mom, or to you, Grandy:

Grandy cannot wait for you to get here. I think on the day she was told about you, she ran through the streets of her town with glitter bombs and a T-Shirt cannon with shirts that read, “I’MMA GONNA BE A GRANDMA, MOTHAFUCKAS.” I wouldn’t put it past her on the day you’re born either.

If Pinterest is still a thing when you read this, let it be known that in a side-by-side comparison of Pinterest Boards, your grandmother is having the baby, and not Grace. Mom, who always played it so cool when we asked about grandkids with, “Oh, whenever. You girls get your lives set and then have babies,” lost her goddamn mind the day you came into existence. I’m not even joking–mom bought you that denim A&M outfit you hated so much when you were still a blastocyst and, technically, before she knew you were a thing. That is the level of excitement she has about your arrival–she pre-emptively babied-up. Her closet is half-filled with baby clothes right now, and you are the size of a banana.

Handy though mom may be, I never knew her to be particularly crafty until there was you. Her unbridled joy, enthusiasm, and a healthy dose of Pinterest is the reason you will spend ages 0-9 as a walking fire hazard with all of your handmade tutus. You will never wear a store-bought Halloween costume, you will never be without giant hair bows (admittedly a holdover from our childhood), you will never be bored at Grandy and Grandpa’s. You’re spoiled, and you can’t even high-five yet. To me, this is a waste of a chance to demand awesomeness before you get a reward, but apparently, that’s not how babies work.

I’m glad you’re Grace’s baby, because I sometimes don’t have the patience for mom’s penchant for exuberance (even though I’m often the same way.) I might have crumbled in the face of all that tulle and handcraftedness and wondrous joy for heirlooms, but not your mom–let it be known she is a braver soul than I.

Your Family: 

I hope you know that I, next month, will spend an inordinate amount of time preparing for a baby that is not even mine. Next month is shower month. Yeah–shower MONTH, FetusNiece. So many people spread over the entire state of Texas and parts of Louisiana can’t wait for you to get here that it’s necessitating a Tour-De-Fetus spread over a MONTH so that everyone has a chance to be as excited as Grandy is.

Your Uncle Adrian is planning all kinds of nefarious schemes he can bring you in on. He already taught our other nieces how to fight one another, and they’re four, so I can only speculate as to his plans.

Your dad has been waiting for his fishing buddy for so long, and he can’t wait to strap your ass in some maroon and camo and teach you how much the Texas Longhorns suck. He can’t wait to be your Papa. You know he’s been talking to you since before you had ears to listen with–or a heart for that matter? Also, you’re welcoming for reminding you that you were once just a small collection of cells…again. IT’S STILL VERY WEIRD FOR ME, OKAY?

Your Great-Granny cried with joy when she learned about you. Your great aunts and uncles and cousins all whooped. Your dogs wagged. Except for Lilly. Lilly mostly sat in her kennel and held a towel in her mouth, but Lilly is the only deaf and autistic blue heeler we know, so we know that means she loves you anyway.

Your Mom:

Your mom and I have been partners-in-crime since we were very little. She’s always been unbelievably funny and smart and loving, and she’s still that way now. You see, some women turn into a smug-assed Mother Earth when they get pregnant, but not your mom.

She approached you like she did everything else in her life–with humor and fun, with deep interest and heart. She laughed her way through baby stores, trying to figure out why you “absolutely needed” a $1000 stroller that we couldn’t work (and kicked into a shelf in frustration). She eschewed the crates-upon-crates of toys and activities, demanding that you learn to be bored and therefore to entertain yourself, because that is the childhood of a creator. She never complained about being pregnant, even though sometimes she was pretty sick and tired of it. She’ll never say it, but I know she spent a lot of time thinking about who you would be and how she could be the best mother you need. What she did for you was for a reason–whether you knew it at the time or not.

Your mom is a hell of a lady. I know you’ll love and respect her as much as I do, once you get to know her better than the inside of her uterus. You’re welcome for that little reminder, FetusNiece. How’s that for an emotional turnaround? UTERUS.


If I’ve done you any good by the time you get to read this, you’ll be funny as hell. I will have demanded you be raised on SNL, Lucille Ball, and The Carroll Burnett Show, just like Grace and I were. You’ll have the self-esteem to walk away from that gel-haired douchebag, and the humility to say Yes Ma’am. You’ll have the bravery to stop someone from bullying another, and you’ll have the gift of helping people laugh when they hurt. You’ll have the strength of your mom to get through tough situations, and the softness of your grandmother when it all falls apart. You’ll have the independence to know when to go your own way, and the bonds of family that you know your mom and I hold so dearly.

I know you’ll be older when you finally read this–so you may think me, and the rest of your family, overly sentimental in this letter. Hell, I’m pretty teared up writing this, and you are still a BananaBaby. I’m writing this because I’m making a promise to you.

You see, for a time, your mom and I had it really rough growing up. A lot of things went really wrong for all of us, and someone came into our lives and stirred everything the wrong way. Had it not been for Mom’s resilience, Grace’s independence, and my uncanny ability to ignore shit, we’d have been destroyed. We very easily could have spent our lives denigrating and hate-filled, but instead, we walked through the fire holding hands. We want to tell you our stories so you don’t repeat the bullshit we dealt with–so that you don’t spend any time trying to rebuild the way that we had to. I give everybody a lot of hell for making such a big fuss about you, but I know deep down, we’re all desperate that you don’t ever have to know the pain we all went through.

Head high, kiddo. We love the hell out of you.

What would you want to say to your kids? Your nieces, nephews, friends kids, grandchildren? What do you wish for your own as-yet-unconceived children?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana The Biped: “See, now I actually *want* a kid just to scare people. Maybe I could borrow one?”
Grace September 24, 2012 at 6:28 am

Seriously, this is just not fair. I’m 7 months pregnant, literally just finished my 14th straight 14 hour overnight shift and maybe just a tad overly emotional these days…and his is what I read before I go to bed?!? You’re trying to kill me aren’t you?

Either way, I’m holding you to those promises. And I promise she’ll wear every tutu Grandy makes her. You’re gonna be the favorite aunt, I have a feeling.

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:31 pm

I told you to wait to read it. Also, you’re awfully pregnant to be working like that, yes?

Mayor Gia September 24, 2012 at 7:17 am

Awww, congrats on the upcoming new addition to your family!
Mayor Gia recently posted..Mayor Gia’s Ten Commandments Part I

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:39 pm

Thank you! I can’t wait to fuck with her head.

Misty September 24, 2012 at 7:40 am

Damnit, Noa! Why do you have to make a bitch cry this early in the morning? You are gonna ruin all of my street cred! The visual of you and your family walking through the fire hand in hand just killed me.

I was super worried that I was gonna screw up this little life that was depending on me. I felt like I was still a kid, and here I was gonna be responsible for keeping this tiny thing alive and trying to make sure it didn’t turn out to be an asshole. Which was gonna be a feat, because . . . well, you’ve met ME. So, yeah, genetics was working against me. I just breath deep and try to deal with one crazy crisis at a time. So far, both my kids are still breathing and relatively asshole free. Well, most of the time. Like I said . . . genetics.
Misty recently posted..The Night Circus: A Review

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:43 pm

You shoulda seen my blubbery ass writing this. It was a disaster.

Also, what the fuck are you talking about genetics working against you? You’re so badass it hurts me.

Aly September 24, 2012 at 8:54 am

“You’ll have the self-esteem to walk away from that gel-haired douchebag, and the humility to say Yes Ma’am.”

“Head high, kiddo. We love the hell out of you.”

This is the best FetusNiece letter. EVER. You’re awesome.
Aly recently posted..Promise.

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:45 pm

I wish I had both of those qualities when I was younger. Maybe she’ll be less awful than me.

Grandy September 24, 2012 at 9:32 am

Such a wonderful letter to “our girl” with an entire closet full of tutus and grand hairbows. Glitter bombs be damned–yes ma’am-I am going to be the Grandy that she needs and LOVE each & every minute of it. You will very much be the favorite aunt!

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:46 pm

MA. I love you, but you’re flooding my pinterest.

Grandy September 25, 2012 at 9:32 pm

too Damn Bad!!!!

L. C. Owsley September 24, 2012 at 10:47 am

If my best friends do their job as mothers right, their children know me only from select, non- incriminating stories; however if I have done MY job right these kids will be invincible! Armed with sarcasm, stories about their parents, and a healthy dose of dark humor they can and will take the world by storm. Of course they may leave visits from “Aunty Laura’s” with a twinge of sass, craving for vegetarian burritos, and bad knock- knock jokes but their parents will keep sending them my way for the free child care and because I will love each and every one of them! And they will love me, even if I have to persuade them to do chores for me in exchange for dirt on their folks.

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:48 pm

You had me at gossip bribery.

Jen September 24, 2012 at 10:59 am

When my health took a turn for the worse about a year ago I started doing everything I could to make solid memories for my short people. I’ve been recording my voice reading their favorite books and recently started recording me reading some more ‘advanced’ ones if I’m not there to read them in a few years. I have also started writing long letters to each of the boys to be read on each of their birthdays as well as letters to be read when they graduate from high school and college, on their wedding days, and when their first child is born. Although I don’t blog about it, my health problems were a large part of why I started blogging as well. My short people need to remember their Mom not only as a purveyor of advice and wisdom but that I was a total asshole at times too…someone who fucked up more than she succeeded, but never stopped trying to be a better person. The Fetus Niece is blessed to be surrounded by a coven of you badass females; let her know all of her cyber-sisters out here have her back.
Jen recently posted..I Want to Kick Gotye in His Girly-Nads

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:50 pm

I’ve been avoiding these comments because I have no idea what to say right now.

Good for you for being the most awesome mom ever.
Bad for you for being sick. Bad for The League. Bad for the world.

Dana the Biped September 24, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Dude, I’m at that age. Babies everywhere I turn! (And none of them mine. Hopefully.) A good friend of mine just sent me a sonogram of her baby’s feet, and I was all, “Wow, Kate. You made FEET.” Which I thought was pretty amazing but she thought it was a weird thing to say.
Dana the Biped recently posted..A Handy Guide to Halloween Costumes and Life

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:51 pm

I’m so proud–I am the last of my family and friends to have a baby. I FUCKING WIN.

PsychoFab September 24, 2012 at 1:24 pm

This is so sweet. My sister has tried to have a baby for years at a time, but her body won’t cooperate. I’ve always vowed that if she succeeds in conceiving, I would have to make a video or something to let her child know just how badly she was wanted and needed in the family.
PsychoFab recently posted..It’s a Vagina, Not a Storage Unit

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:52 pm

That’s the sweetest idea I’ve heard in a long time. Love it.

shannon September 24, 2012 at 2:14 pm

this was seriously awesome, so much so now i wanna have another one so i can try to get more things right…and Tour-de-Fetus? I just fell a little bit in love with you…

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:53 pm

I wish it had as much press coverage as Armstrong’s Tours.

Monica September 24, 2012 at 2:20 pm

So sweet. You’re going to be a fucking awesome aunt.

To the baby inside me now:

I hope you have your father’s intelligence and my sense of tact.
I worry that I won’t love you when you’re here, and that scares me.
I’m glad I didn’t have you when I was younger, but I’m sorry I waited so long that you won’t meet my parents. Your grandmother would have shit herself at having a granddaughter.
I’m sorry the rest of my immediate family is so toxic that I’m not even sure I want to tell you they exist.
I hope you won’t think I’m retarded, because I feel retarded a lot of the time.
My relationship with your father is good, and I love him very much. I suspect that might be the one thing I’ve done most right for you.
Keep it real, little dudess.
Monica recently posted..I sincerely regret to inform you …

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:55 pm

You made me cry. I can’t decide if you win or lose that way.

Sarah September 24, 2012 at 2:35 pm

I have a one year old. If by “learn to be bored and therefore entertain yourself” you mean “set the dog on fire and then piss on it” or “see how hard you can pull the cat’s tail until you get face bit”, then yeah, I think you’ll be glad you skipped the Baby Einstein laptop.

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:56 pm

And that’d be why I’m glad I’m not the mother.

Jaime September 24, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Awww…. This is just so effing awesome. It almost made me tear up and I don’t even know you or your family personally.

Congrats on the little bundle of joy… I love being an aunt and had TONS of fun with my nephews and continue to currently. They are just that rad.

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:56 pm

I didn’t get to know my now school-age nieces as babies, so I’m pretty jazzed about this new prospect.

AshleySmashes September 24, 2012 at 7:03 pm

You made me cry, asshole.

BananaBaby is lucky to have you.

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:58 pm

I’m sorry. I ruin things like that.

Johi September 24, 2012 at 9:31 pm

You know I love this heartfelt shit, Noa.
Seriously, that baby is obviously coming into a family of amazing women. You’ll be the best auntie ever and your sis deserves a medal for not complaining while pregnant because being pregnant blows donkey balls.
Love this post. Love to your family. I’m making one of Taylor Swift hand hearts that you love so much in my mind right now, just because I have to add my signature asshole flair.
Johi recently posted..Fifty Shades of Oversharing

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:59 pm

And now I have Taylor Swift stuck in my head. DAMN YOU.

Valerie September 24, 2012 at 9:46 pm

What a great idea. I should write letters to my kids for when they get older. But, I’ll keep them in a safe deposit box so when I die, they will get a key from a creepy looking guy that appears at their house one day. The box shall contain a map that will lead to the letter, which will be hidden under a rock near an old oak tree… Just like Shawshank Redemption, but with less ass rape.


Valerie recently posted..And you too can be the lucky owner of glorious mannequin hand!!!

Noa September 25, 2012 at 9:00 pm

I love you for that post-death gift of creepy.

Jackie G September 24, 2012 at 9:50 pm

I live in the worst state in America (South Dakota) and my nephew and family are on the east coast. Because of this, I don’t get to instill my awesomeness as much as I would like to with him, but I try to do my best with packages, emails, and phone calls (yes, my 5 year old nephew has his own gmail account).

He was being bullied in Kindergarten because he was little, and bored with the work, so kids thought he was “weird”. The school wanted to move him up 2 grades, but my sister figured that the bullying would be worse since he’s still pretty little. He told me about it on the phone once and I told him, “you know you are smarter than them, just outsmart them next time they are mean to you.” Shortly after, I headed back east to visit everyone, and my sister is telling me that my nephew got suspended his last day of kindergarten and she wants him to tell me why. He comes up to me and says,
“Well Aunt Jackie, you told me to outsmart them, so when this big kid grabbed me I yelled YOU ARE DUMB and bit his hand.”

I was so proud. I hug him and start crying like a giant asshole in front of my family, telling him that I loved him. He just goes, “I love you too, but you are being weird. Let’s go inside so I can beat you at Portal.” And then all was right in the world. Smart little shit.

Noa September 25, 2012 at 9:02 pm

You. Fucking. Win.

Tears, asshole. Tears.

April September 24, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Dear Noa’a FetusNiece (and my own maybe-future-daughters),

Be strong enough to let someone love you. As you grow up and leave behind the innocence of childhood, you will build walls. At some point, you must be strong enough to let them down when the time comes…and have faith that you will heal from any crushing injuries that result. And learn descriptive phrases like “derailed whoretrain” because they will serve you well in explaining your insanity defense to the district attorney. Your Aunt Noa can help with that too.
April recently posted..Ireland Part 4 – Castles, Abbeys and Cliffs, OH MY!

Noa September 25, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Man, if I had only learned that earlier.

The walls and the whoretrain bidness.

Banana Stickers September 24, 2012 at 11:05 pm

What a sweet letter, and CONGRATS to you and your family! Babies are freaking awesome. And yes, I mean that with total seriousness. Babies are fantastic compared to children and teenagers.
Sadly, I’ll never be an aunt. My significantly older brother and his wife never multiplied and my sister has poured cement into her uterus, leaving me to pick up the breeding slack, so no words of wisdom to share with hypothetical nieces/nephews. I did write a letter to my girls this past mother’s day though:
Banana Stickers recently posted..Just remember, when all else fails, chloroform is never a good idea.

Noa September 25, 2012 at 9:05 pm


No, don’t.

Meg September 25, 2012 at 3:33 am

This is beautiful Noa! She’s one lucky little FetusNiece. I live half way around the world from my nieces and nephew and even though I have three kids of my own, I’d love to be able to spoil the hell out of my siblings children. You will be a wonderful aunt!
Meg recently posted..Konichiwa From My Couch

Noa September 25, 2012 at 9:06 pm

But you have so many cool stories to tell, Ms. Traveler Aunt. I am jealous of you.

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