Oh Yeah, Your Psychological Abuse Gets Me So Hot

09/19/2012 · 117 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, Psychological Warfare, Sadist Vagina, What Is Wrong With You?

An old friend texted me yesterday and asked, rather innocently, “Have you ever read Fifty Shades? B/C it’s really pretty good.”

This woman was a bridesmaid. My best friend and confidante in high school. A woman I hold in high esteem, whom I know to be very intelligent. I felt betrayed.

I desperately needed to know more about why she thought this, or why I should read it. Perhaps all I have heard about the book was wrong. Maybe I’m blowing 50 Shades out of proportion and harping on it too harshly. I didn’t want to know more just to mock her–I desperately needed answers to this conundrum.

“I’m intrigued. Why do you want me to read it so much?”
“You remind me so much of the main character. She talks like you.”

“I remind a dear friend of Anastasia Steele.” — the last line of my suicide note.

She described to me as a modern-day fairytale akin to Pretty Woman (a story which I do not consider a fairy tale in any form), and that Christian Grey’s problems make him seem more realistic. While I won’t deny that faults in literary characters lend them an air of humanity, from what I had heard, Grey was not problematic–he was dangerously sociopathic. Our two worldviews were clashing.

I decided that maybe, just maybe, I would read it. After all, how could I judge it if I’d never read it? I went on Amazon to check the Kindle price, and then found the single best review of a book I have ever seen.

It reads breathy and ecstatic in that italicized print, all official; and it’s so common it’s a featured review. The other one-star reviews backed my original point of view. This was one-sided research though, so I read the five-star reviews, hoping there was some message or symbolism or plot that I hadn’t heard of that was worth me paying to read it. I was hoping that the five-starrers might redeem this series in some small way.

Nope.

Holy shit, this was amazing. “Sure, the writing is awful, but if you just ignore the words, it’s not so bad!”

Or:

  • “If you’re ever punched, just keep having them punch you until your face is so numb you can’t feel it.”
  • “Being hit with a hatchet is do-able if you are able to meditate throughout the entire ordeal.”
  • “I hear dying of AIDS is not that bad if you just ignore the lead-up to it.”

Not off to a dazzling start here, chucklefucks.

I could really get behind a book that awakens something in your soul–some deep, hidden desire to live every day harder. A book so wonderful that you ignore your world because you’re so immersed in the book’s world. A book so good you can’t possibly imagine who you were and why you lived that way before you read it. Words that carry enough weight to free your soul…

And then I remember it was Twilight Fan Fiction. This made me so unbelievably sad. Like if the Hamburglar convinced you to whip a kitten, or if Mr. Rogers touched your boob and said you were asking for it.

Right there in a FIVE-STAR REVIEW of this book is the very reason I refuse to pay E.L. James even a glitter-filled queef to read this–the main character is a young woman with low self-esteem who falls in love with a psychologically abusive man, who has convinced her that she can heal him.

Poorly-managed textbook therapy cases turn me on so much. Someone grab me some new panties, I’m gonna go watch Dr. Phil.

If there’s something I want in a man, it’s a domineering and controlling complex bastard who shies away from relationships, who is turned on immediately by my innocence.

Get it? THAT’S A PEDOPHILE!

Oh man, that is so hot.

Time for some intense realness, y’all.

I have never met a plain, poor girl with nothing at all going for her. Not once, and I know a shitload of women. If you think you are a woman with nothing going for her who needs to be rescued by a rich man with serious demons, email me. I want to talk to you, because you’re so wrong about that it hurts me.

Everyone–everyone–has something interesting about them. Everyone has something going for them. No one deserves to have to deal with someone else’s serious demons for money, unless you’re a therapist and the person paying you is a patient.

No. Stop. Enough. Why is emotional abuse a turn-on for you? Why do you think a man who fucks with a woman’s mind to get her to sleep with him, even under the guise of being truthful, is a modern-day fairytale? Why do you think it’s hot to be helpless and rescued?

You are what you eat, you are what you read. Don’t choose to be plain and helpless.  

This is what we in the dysfunctional biz refer to as a mindfuck. Christian Grey is one line about being “50 Shades Of Fucked Up,” away from me calling him an assgizzard.

Maya Angelou once said, “If someone tells you who they are, believe them.” Sage goddamn advice that I wish on this poor book, which would have been a much better version of 50 Shades:

“I’ve fallen in love with you, Christian.”
“You can’t love me, Ana. No…that’s wrong.”
“WHOA THERE. Who says that? Aren’t you trying to get laid? What are you, some kind of sick negging pickup artist? Your penis is not welcome. Call me when you’re therapized. PEACE.”

And then she built an empire of happiness and success for herself on her own merits, and was 50 Shades of Awesome. Suck it, James.

Jesus Ham-Eating Christ. Are you for real? I can’t even imagine a world in which this is billed as imagination. For fuck’s sake, 50 Shades is just Beauty And The Beast’s Chest Of Buttplugs And Further Emotional Problems. The movie Avatar was also a huge blockbuster, that doesn’t make it genius, it just makes it Pocahontas/Alien with some hair-fucking. And paralysis. And the word, “Unobtanium.” Some goddamn profound symbolism right there.

Also, just a heads-up, these movies are available all the time. Here’s a handy how-to about finding them (NSFW):

YouTube Preview Image

Fuck you, E.L. James. Fuck you right in your plugged ass.

Am I wrong, here? Have you read it? What did you think? To save my sanity, what should be next on my reading list?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Victoria Elizabeth: “Oh, I don’t know… there must be *something* to be said, for not being a portal to hell.” 
Queen Gen September 19, 2012 at 6:43 am

I’ve not read the book (trilogy?) either, and don’t think I will since I will probably plunge into a deep and miserable depression at the state of the world if I were to subject myself to it. So I can’t comment or judge there.

But I agree: that IS the best book review ever. The only thing I wonder is, why did the reviewer keep reading?
Queen Gen recently posted..Just like a seven-year itch. Actually, nothing like it. My post titles always kind of suck.

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:24 pm

The one-star reviews were full of people who read the first chapter and went, “Holy shit, this thing is fucking terrible,” and kept reading because when something’s that bad, you want to see just how bad it’s going to get.

And it gets much, much worse.

Bill G. September 20, 2012 at 9:37 pm

If my wife ever gets the urge to buy any of these books, I’ll send her here.

Mayor Gia September 19, 2012 at 6:45 am

Hahh read something where the girl kicks ass, like hunger games. I hear you though. I keep seeing this one like “he’s like my own christian grey flavored popsicle” and I want to cry-vomit because ew ew ew and also WHO TALKS LIKE THAT?! And do girls really get that excited about BJs?! Nice try E.L. James, who-I-now-secretly-believe-is-a-man-that-wants-to-increase-the-number-of-bjs-given-around-the-world.
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Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:25 pm

I have never in my life thought, “I want to suck on a skinsicle.”

That’s some Buffalo Bill shit there.

Karin September 20, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Umm…me. *raises hand*
I get that excited about giving BJs to my hubby. We totally should increase the number of BJs given around the world. Men would be happier and nicer, and in turn- women would be happier, too. Plus, it’s just fun to do.

Noa September 21, 2012 at 5:11 am

I’m not dogging the BJ’s, I’m dogging the terminology. It’s fucking creepy as shit.

Sarah Hayes September 19, 2012 at 7:11 am

I, too, thought I would attempt to read the books, as a coworker pointed out that I couldn’t justifiably critique the books without at least attempting to read them. However, I refused to pay a single dollar to get a hold of the book. I know a couple people who own them, but none who live close, so I checked out the library. 1082. That’s how many people were on the waiting list for the first book. 1082!!! So I went to Amazon, read the 5ish page preview available, and had no desire whatsoever to continue reading any of it.

Instead, I read Lorraine and Sweeney’s recaps on Snark Squad and laugh at their ridiculous snark while I am simultaneously horrified that any woman could write this and make multiple millions of dollars on it. And every time I hear someone mention an interest in 50 Shades, I say, “Oh, honey, you don’t need to read that. It’s smut. If you’re really curious about 50 Shades, then read the recaps on Snark Squad. I promise, you’ll enjoy that version of the book much better.” And then I smile, knowing I’ve done the world a favor by preventing one more person from being subjected to the awfulness that is 50 Shades of Grey.
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Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:28 pm

It seems to me that a lot of people think that people are angry and one-starring out of hatred for smut, and that’s where they’re wrong. Bring on the smut, if that’s what you’re in to. Harlequin has done it for years–but at least it’s not an abomination. People hate it not because of their delicate sensibilities about sex, people hate it because it’s fucking bullshit.

Bill G. September 20, 2012 at 9:39 pm

If people hated smut, Harlequin romance and Cosmopolitan would’ve gone bankrupt 25 years ago.

Karin September 20, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Word. People like smut. Smut is good.
Karin recently posted..Missing My Boy. Again.

Bill G. September 20, 2012 at 9:45 pm

If you really want the book just to see what a trainwreck it is, all you have to do is wait (and probably not long). The legion of people who went to Amazon and Barnes & Noble and shelled out full-price for these books will soon (and probably already are) selling them for pocket change at garage sales. Or wait for a co-worker to overhear that you never read them and unload them for free to you.

Jessica September 19, 2012 at 7:17 am

A local radio DJ here in Cleveland hosted a public 50 Shades book burning a couple of months ago. It was delightful. Unbelievable that E.L. James made all that money writing without ever consulting a thesaurus or a functional human.

Erin September 19, 2012 at 7:58 am

There are currently two problems in our society: people believe Tim Tebow can play football and that “Fifty Shades of Grey” is a work of literature. My drama with piece of shit known as a ” book” began almost a year a go when I unknowingly recommended it for my book club. I was told by friend this was “a fun naughty book” . Little did I known this would begin my year of battles with friends and my confirmation of just how fucked up the female version “of what love is.” I have been told over and over again ” you are over reacting it’s just a book.”. Here is the thing, I work at a rape crisis center for a living and I’m yet to find what is hot about a man who was sexually abused, is now dysfunctional and abusive himself. Yeah that makes me want to grab my vibrator. I got halfway through this book before I began wondering what was wrong with our society in general. “Oh Erin, you have to read all the books to understand.” No I don’t. Ladies if you tell man to stop calling you and he doesn’t and follows you around that’s a stalker, not romantic. You don’t “fix” a man who has problems. I’m so excited there is a movie-where is the popcorn?

Kat September 19, 2012 at 8:11 am

“There are currently two problems in our society: people believe Tim Tebow can play football and that “Fifty Shades of Grey” is a work of literature.” <—-THIS!! SO MUCH THIS!!! Give this girl the Nobel Prize!

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:30 pm

She’s a genius.

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Erin.

Marry me.

Or I’ll stalk you.

Seriously though, you’re awesome.

Karin September 20, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Christian Grey was not abusive. He was indeed abused as a child, but he never abused anyone. Being in a consensual dom/sub relationship is not abuse. Just because it makes people uncomfortable, doesn’t make it wrong.

Noa September 21, 2012 at 5:10 am

You’re right that a consensual dom/sub relationship is not abuse, and that very arrangement makes a lot of people very happy. Buttplugs for whoever wants ‘em! Grey’s fetishes might have stemmed from his past (as many fetishes do), but it does not excuse his outside actions.

What is abuse is the fact that Grey is psychologically abusive to her outside the bounds of their contract, and it gives a bad name to consensual BDSM overall. He stalks her in the book at one point, and that’s…well that’s never okay.

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Or a fucking editor! Who knew that editing is now no longer a necessity?

Lilscorpiosweet September 20, 2012 at 5:38 pm

That’s what I want to know… Is editing becoming a lost art or is it that some people don’t know how to get a hold of someone that can edit.. I mean come on people!

I edit things in my spare time and I tell you what my grammar Nazi inside is seething right now because of E. L. James pretty much making a mockery of becoming a best seller. I know some people that deserve to be published and are better writers than she is. Not to mention she fucked something up to where these deserving people can’t get published unless they send in something resembling E. L. James’ writing style.
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Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Editing these days, I’ve realized, has become for many nothing more than a veritable spell check. That’s proofreading, not editing. Editing is a lost art among many, and that makes me very sad.

Michelle M September 19, 2012 at 8:16 am

I read it and was bored to tears. (un) Luckily, my sister loaned it to me and everyone else this summer so I didn’t have to pay for it. (I just lost a couple hours of my life reading something awful.) The book was pure dysfunction junction, his, hers, the writing style… I read it to find out what the fuss was about, believe me.. you are not missing a thing. My big worry is that people who have read it suddenly think they understand the whole BDSM thing and are “experts”…. nuh uh. *Shudder*

Did you know that hotels in CA are trying to capitalize on this and offer couples weekend in “50 shades” style? WTF does THAT mean? Red rooms of pain?

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:34 pm

The manager stalks you and shouts about his childhood abuse to you while you try to live a normal life.

Sarah September 19, 2012 at 8:21 am

I haven’t even touched these books, and I won’t. I’m not saying that some amazing author or anything, but at least I know to use spell check and pay my editor. Gah!

Everyone knows this started as Twilight fan fiction, right? This chick is re-writing Bella and Edward. No lie. And the interview with her husband a few days ago? THAT was priceless.
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Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:36 pm

I HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET! I must go find it.

Kenny Boy September 19, 2012 at 8:38 am

I never thought I would live in a literary world where I had to give props to a woman who wrote a shitty series of books (Twilight) because they were at least her own original thoughts and not shitty “erotica” fanfiction based on the first woman’s shitty books.

There’s something wrong with me that I can’t be happy for either of those folks success because I think of all the other writers out there that I love that will never have the monetary success the 50 Shades of Shittiness writer has now. It’s like when my favorite band has to tour 300 days a year and bust their ass to make it, while Bieber or Ke$ha shit money.

I sure do use the word “shitty” a lot. Shitty.

RuthC September 19, 2012 at 9:41 am

YES! I have not read the “Twilight” series – vampires don’t sparkle asshat – or Fifty Shades (bits and pieces on various websites was more than enough thankyouverymuch) and have no intention of ever doing so. It’s sad that people really think these are literary works of art. No. No they are not. They are crap. Pure unadulterated crap.

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:40 pm

It’s like Rihanna saying about her last album, “Sometimes I had to stop recording to cry because the lyrics were too deep.”

Yup.

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Shitty shitty asshole shitfaced shitholes.

The lot of ‘em.

One of my coaches said something to me yesterday that depressed me. “Being in the creative field has little to do with talent–it has to do with who you know. You can get famous without an ounce of talent, and even if you are really talented, that’s just icing on the cake.”

Ouch.

Bill G. September 23, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Paris Hilton and the throng of Kardashians that have infected reality TV are proof of what your coach said. I’m not saying it’s a good thing and I hope all of these people wake up with 10,000 insects in their underpants, but that coach is right. Thinking about it makes me want to head out to my car and slam my head in the door.

What’s pissing me off is the huge proliferation of bridezilla and wedding dress selection shows. Those shows have been around for awhile but they’re suddenly on all the time on multiple channels. I skip past them when channel surfing. Jesus Fucking Christ, who is watching this shit and how do I build a mind-amplification ray of hate so that I can mind-punish the fucks that sit and watch this shit? If anybody here is watching it, STOP.

Misty September 19, 2012 at 9:25 am

Don’t do it!! Do. Not. Do. It. I will never forgive you.

I am currently reading The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern. I’m only halfway through, but am enjoying it so far. I also recently discovered Jasper Fforde and his crazy world of literature. His books are fun. That’s my 2 cents.

But for the love of jeebus . . . NO to the 50 shades of crap. Just . . . no.
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Jen September 19, 2012 at 12:38 pm

‘Night Circus’ was gorgeous. ’50 Shades of Grey’ is a steaming pile of horseshit and I feel like a whore for having read it. If Anastasia wants me to beat the shit out of her I’d be honored to do so.
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Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Thanks for the suggestions! I’m trying to fight through the first half of Frankenstein again, and that’s fucking tough to swallow before bedtime.

Janene September 19, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Noa, do yourself a goddamn favour. Put down Frankenstein and pick up the Night Circus. Talk about a love story! Talk about bringing out creativity in other people. THIS is what it is about. Read the Night Circus.

On the 50 Shades topic… I gave it a good 4 chapters (or 40 pages, whatever) and went, “Wait a minute. This is nothing but a mind-fuck. Haven’t I been here before?” and realized, horribly, that I had: for about 16 months, I dated a “I’m not really gay but I so totally am” minister. That man was the master of mind fuck games. Now, if I get a whiff of one in a book I’m reading, I put it down and pick up the journal I wrote during the time I dated the minister. Then I congratulate myself on waking up, smelling the burnt toast, and getting the fuck out of that relationship before I was brow-beaten. No one deserves to be treated like a piece of dogshit, and once you realize it, you never go back.

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:33 pm

I had that same realization about the quoted conversations. That was my boyfriend my freshman year in college–the one that I had to serve with a restraining order.

SO HOT.

Rachel September 19, 2012 at 9:29 am

Fucking 50 Shades of Grey. I didn’t know it was possible to hate a book I’ve never read with the fury of a 1000 burning suns. All copies of those books should be recycled into butt plugs and ball gags for the people who won’t shut the hell up about how good it is. Ugh.

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:41 pm

It hurts me too. So, so much. They pay this woman, and Austen and Twain are available for free.

DevyMama September 19, 2012 at 10:57 am

I’ve read the book – all of the books, actually, and I hate myself for having done it. I read all of the terrible reviews and thought to myself, “Surely they can’t be THAT bad.” But they are. They’re much worse than that. Anastasia Steele is the most vapid and hollow “heroine” that has ever been put on paper. Girl needs a slap in the face and a lobotomy. And Christian Grey – an abusive ass clown with a penchant for mind-fuckery. Think Patrick Bateman, but without the charm and coat hooks. I wanted nothing but horrible things to happen to the both of them. I was rooting for their demise. I have never so actively loathed the written word like I do the 50 Shades trilogy. Fuck you, E.L. James. Fuck you right in the face.

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:42 pm

I perked up when you said Bateman, and then it broke my heart a little. If you’re not going to go full crazy, why do it?

Cara September 19, 2012 at 11:01 am

No, it’s awful. I tried to read it because 1. everyone was talking about it, and 2. my stupid book club was going to read it. I got approximately 30 pages in before I just go on anymore. The writing is AWFUL. I am willing to put up with some bad writing if the story was at least engrossing or fun (for instance, I actually enjoyed Twilight-yes, I know) but this was so bad and so boring that I quit reading (something I almost never do). Also, I hated the heroine, just hated her. She made me full of all the ragey-rage. Don’t read it. It was a total waste of my money and I get mad whenever I notice it still on my Kindle.

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:43 pm

I’ve heard a lot of people say that the story line of Twilight is, at times, pretty engrossing with the action, but that the final battle was just a giant wet fart and ruined everything. I hate that shit.

Leauxra September 19, 2012 at 11:05 am

You know what? There are like, thirty GAZILLION really AMAZING books out there… why the FUCK would I waste my time on a piece of sophomore porn written by a Twilight fan? WHY?

Just stop. Take a deep breath, and go read anything else. Shit, I’ll bet 50 Shades of Pathetic would make The Davinci Code will look like Shakespeare (The Davinci Code was my low bar for the Worst Frigging Book in the World (that is, until I read the Bourne Legacy). The fuck. These people get PAID to write? AND I READ THAT SHIT. Fuck you, 50 Shades, I am going to punch you in the house and burn down your face, and never, ever, read you.)

Staje September 19, 2012 at 11:27 am

Ha, someone else who hates Dan fucking Brown.

Morgan S. September 19, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Me! Me! I hate Dan fucking Brown! And, if Dan Brown wasn’t reason enough to keep me away from the movies based on his books, Tom Hanks’ hair certainly was. (I can see him in make-up now: Hanks: “Um, my hair kind of makes me look dumber than Forrest Gump.” “Sir, have you read any of these books?”)

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:44 pm

And so many classics are FREE on kindle. Son of a bitch.

Jen September 19, 2012 at 11:16 am

Ha! I went to high school with one of the guys who created ‘Avenue Q’ so my nether regions are all warm and tingly from that video. By the way, have you seen this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsOV81zYEh8

Umm. . .yeah. . .you’re welcome.
Jen recently posted..Mother Nature Can Suck It

Michelle M September 19, 2012 at 11:39 am

omg.. that video is just 50 shades of wrong…. poor elmo, i will never look at him the same way again.

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Who don’t you know?

Jen September 19, 2012 at 5:47 pm

I am “Six Degrees” from fucking everyone, Noa.
Jen recently posted..Hey, You! Get Off of my Cloud!

Noa September 21, 2012 at 5:04 am

Did you know Anne Frank’s Bacon number is TWO?

A Rosh Hashanah challenge to you.

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Also, thank you. HOLY SHIT.

Staje September 19, 2012 at 11:20 am

I haven’t read it. Sweet ice skating jeebus it sounds awful. Also “Beauty And The Beast’s Chest Of Buttplugs And Further Emotional Problems” is awesome. And also also, I think the audience is the same people who catapulted Dan Brown, the language rapist, to fame. Bastards.

Staje September 19, 2012 at 11:28 am

Also also also, my name is Anastasia and this has provided my husband with ‘comedy gold’. Not a winning strategy.

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:46 pm

I would watch the shit out of that version of B&tB. At least it’d be an honest version.

PsychoFab September 19, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I haven’t read them, but I probably would if someone handed them to me for free. Sometimes I wonder if the author is secretly a genuis, who wrote this whole series satirically, hoping human beings would pick it up and mock it mercilessly, then sat back and was shocked and saddened that it made a fuck load of money because that meant people were taking it seriously.
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Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:47 pm

That would be so amazing. If that were true, I’d gladly read the shit out of it.

Aven September 19, 2012 at 1:04 pm

I have also avoided these like dog crap on the sidewalk. One of my husbands friends sig-other kept telling me that I just HAD to read them, they were WONDERFUL. And I said to myself- this is the only person in the world you have EVER been embarrassed to be seen in public with… thats a big NO on the book reccommendation.

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:48 pm

You have good instincts.

Becky September 19, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I loved your review – best one I’ve heard yet. But I loved the clip more. Still laughing.
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Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:50 pm

If you ever get a chance to see all of Avenue Q, it’s well worth it.

Natalie the Singingfool September 19, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Thank you for saying this. I picked them up from the bookstore because my best-friend-from-forever INSISTED I read them. Every time I pick it up to give it a try, I am disgusted/nauseated and must put it back down. Maybe I should just give up and sell them on ebay…
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Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:51 pm

You’d get a fortune for ‘em!

Audra September 19, 2012 at 2:19 pm

I wasn’t a fan of the storyline because I found it wholly implausible. The main character left something to be desired, especially since “oh my…” was the best phrase she could come up with when regarding his throbbing, ahem, psychoses.

However, I do like me some sexy sex scenes, which was the whole reason i read it. But more often I found myself repeatedly shouting, “JUST TAKE IT, YOU WHINY BITCH!” God, what a complainer.
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Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:53 pm

See, I like hearing this, because there’s nothing wrong with liking sexy books. I’ve read a few in my time. I do, however, have a problem with being a whiny complainer….ANASTASIA.

NATurally Inappropriate September 19, 2012 at 2:27 pm

I’m not even gonna lie. I read that shit. I’m not one to label myself as ‘too good’ to read anything- and because of all the hype, I decided to pick it up and read this craptastical garbage. I even did a review on it on our ‘book club’ site.

It’s just as awful as everyone says.

I will say, however, that no matter how bad the book was, I just couldn’t make myself stop reading it. Go figure.
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Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Sometimes when you start to rip a cuticle, it’s best just to finish the job.

Jenny M September 19, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I read it, and then hated myself for it. The writing is trite, the dialog is FUCKING AWFUL, and if you remove all of the porn, there’s nothing there. “Let’s fix our problems by fucking it out!” just doesn’t work for me. And the rest of it? Wholly implausible. I wrote about it a few months ago and how much E.L. James pissed me off (and I Head Punched her!).
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Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:54 pm

If she just woulda done the sexing, then I’d have been cool, but she had to add a storyline.

STOP. NO. PORN IS PLOTLESS.

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) September 19, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I haven’t read it, yet I hate it on principle. I don’t even know why. Most of my female friends have read it and are now *gasp of horror* eagerly awaiting a movie that is supposedly being made based on the book.

My theory is if I want porn, I’ll watch actual porn, not waste my time reading a high schooler’s fantasy of what it’s like to be raped and dominated by a bazillionaire.
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Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:55 pm

“My theory is if I want porn, I’ll watch actual porn, not waste my time reading a high schooler’s fantasy of what it’s like to be raped and dominated by a bazillionaire.”

I love you.

Jessica September 19, 2012 at 4:26 pm

I swipped the first book off the good ol’net in epub version, I ended up downloading it from three different sites as I was sure someone had just hacked out a fake copy. Nope! Ms whats her pickle really wrote it that way. Apparently, since these books are fan fiction, she isnt required to use that silly concept otherwise known as grammar.

What really pissed me off was the main characters complete failture to see what this freak was. Any guy who tries to pick you up while buying duct tape and rope should immediately hit the psycho-nut bunny radar.

Noa September 19, 2012 at 5:56 pm

I love that your first reactions was, “No way is this the real version. This is written by a 5th grade troll! Oh no. NO. It’s real.”

And that trumps the above review as the best I’ve ever heard. Applause, Jessica.

Jessica September 19, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Its sad when you think about how bad it really is…Its a special time of the day when Mommy gets to lock herself in the bathroom away from screaming kids, unfolded laundry and a husband that has farting contests with the dog. I don’t even mind my smutt wrapped up in a sketchy plot served on a bed of recycled romance novel characters. But this…this is just a giant dump on paper, or my kobo as it were.

NextInLine September 19, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Sad to admit, I did read about half the first book, then silently threw up a little in my mouth and mean-spiritedly passed it on. As an editor, I was appalled. As a writer, I was shitsmacked by the mindfuckery version of BDSM, love and sex spewed forth. Holy terror fuckballs! If my husband tried any of that, he’d be the one hogtied and anal plugged. I also have done some time in the erotica trenches, and there is definitely good writing to be had. I would wholeheartedly recommend Nikki Gemmell — an Aussie writer — if you’re hankering to read about folks bumping uglies. Try “With My Body” – the writing is lyrical, raw and visceral, and so is the sex. It’s a booyah. And if I hear one more person call this shit mommy porn, Imma cut a bitch.

Rock on, anti-Ana party people!

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:37 pm

I love this comment so much. Porn doesn’t have to be ridiculous.

Lorraine September 19, 2012 at 8:29 pm

I’ve read the first book and I would be ashamed except that I’ve spent the last few months making fun of it chapter by chapter at the expense of my caps lock key and just a little sliver of my sanity. You remind someone of Ana? You should probably stop being their friend.

This is fake BDSM used to cover up real domestic abuse.
Bad writing. Bad, bad writing.
A MOTHER FUCKING TWILIGHT FANFICTION.
An anthology of repeated phrases. I do a murmur and whisper count for each chapter and it’s gotten as high as 20 MURMURS IN ONE CHAPTER.
Nothing happens, trust me. They discuss the damn sexy-times contract for 25 chapters and nothing happens.
The sex isn’t good. You can’t even enjoy it for the sex because there are things like constant mention of children, period blood and shared toothbrushes to ruin your life along the way.

It sucks so much, Noa. SO. MUCH.

I have to go cry a little now.
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Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:38 pm

“An anthology of repeated phrases.”

Best review of this book.

Jackie G September 19, 2012 at 8:35 pm

My Mother-in-law (unfortunately you are reading that correctly) practically jammed the series down my throat when I went home to visit. I’m a fast reader, and she had them all so I figured I’d give them a shot. I KNEW they were Twilight fanfiction (which I love telling everyone because I like to ruin hopes and dreams) and still I read. Because I am a fucking twat waffle.

It is horrible. Just as horrible as you think. I remember reading it and just thinking “This guy is a douche canoe, and if my husband ever acted like this I would chop off his balls and stuff them down this throat.”

Half the book is him convincing her to do shit she doesn’t want to (“Ana, eat all your pancakes. NOW.” “Ana, don’t talk to your friends.” “Ana, put this in your asshole, you virgin.”) and the other half is poorly written and creepy erotica scenes that made me cringe 99% of the time. Not to mention all the rapey tendencies and the ridiculous, unbelievable dialog. The fact that this women ripped characters off from another series, changed names, and then made them bone in a red room with whips and made MILLIONS OF FUCKING DOLLARS blows my mind. I should probably publish the book I wrote when I was in first grade about a pink unicorn, I’ll probably be a billionaire.

Jackie G September 19, 2012 at 8:36 pm

ALSO ALSO she has voice activated orgasms. Like, seriously. He just says “come for me, Anastasia” and BAM.

There is also a sex scene involving a tampon. The End.

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Every time I hear about that tampon thing, I throw up in my mouth. NOPE.

Bill G. September 26, 2012 at 3:08 pm

My wife has a standing order: if you ever catch me reading this tripe, feel free to take the kitchen Slap-Chop to my balls. I’ve never even read a synopsis on what the books are about, but I trust the reviews here.

April September 19, 2012 at 9:35 pm

I’m honestly mad that I bought the entire f-ing trilogy at once. Because I hated the first book. I’m hating the second one. And once I finish it I have the third one to go. My OCD will not allow me to cease reading mid-trilogy. But let’s talk about what’s REALLY bothering me: why doesn’t the work “trilogy” have 3 l’s? Wouldn’t it make more sense if it was trilllogy?
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Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:41 pm

I forced myself to finish the third book of the Hunger Games trilogy, even though it was a huge piece of shit. Nice to know I’m not the only one who forces my way through it just for closure.

Kathleen September 19, 2012 at 11:43 pm

I read all three. There. I said it. I feel this deep relief saying it, like I’m at am AA meeting confessing harm I’ve done to myself. These were the worst written books I have ever read. The sex scenes were completely frustrating because they were so unrealistic, and all I could think was that these books could be some poor girl’s introduction to sex, so when her first time sucks (as first times are wont to do), she will think there is something wrong with her because fucking Ana orgasmed like 100 times her first time. Bull. Shit.

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:43 pm

It’s safe here, Kathleen. Thank you for speaking out.

carrien (she laughs at the days) September 20, 2012 at 1:02 am

It’s like you were in my head all week as I wrote about 50 shades, inspired by a similar conversation with friends and reading the sample on amazon, and then wrote it all way funnier. :) Now I don’t want to finish it because it won’t hold a candle to this post.

The bit of the book I read reminded me of a lot of things I tried to write in junior high, and then abandoned, because I was well read enough to know that they stank. Apparently the author of 50 Shades failed to realize this, but then, that is to be expected if she loved the Twilight series enough to write fan fiction about it’s two main characters.

Thanks for the laugh.
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Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:46 pm

There is literally nothing that you couldn’t out-write me on, Carrien. Nothing.

I love that you mention junior high writing–the storyline is similar to some bullshit I wrote then too, and look back on and laugh. Sad.

chemgirljaime September 20, 2012 at 1:09 am

I’ve not read the books either… and I don’t plan to. There is a plethora of erotic fiction online for FREE (literotica) that is exponentially better written (I assume) than FSOG (I like the acronym better cuz it makes it sound terrible)…

what I DO like about the book… is that it has brought talking about sex and sexuality into the limelight which is something to be encouraged.
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Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:47 pm

That’s the one positive aspect of this book. If this is what it took for more women to do research on differing sexual preferences/lifestyles/choices, then so be it. Freedom for all the bitches, no matter what.

Jenbug September 20, 2012 at 4:20 am

There’s no way I’d read 50 Shades of Grey unless it was to keep someone I love from getting the dead. That being said, I can’t knock someone for reading it. If it intrigues them or turns them on, then that just indicates to me that they are seriously lacking in their lives and perhaps deserve a bit more of my compassion than condescension. You know, like short bus riders.
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Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:49 pm

‘from getting the dead.’ is my new favorite thing. I understand those that read it, but I cannot be brought to read it myself. Like the Bible. Or Eat, Pray, Love.

Carrie September 20, 2012 at 8:59 am

I am so glad that you posted about 50 Shades. Thank you Noa for some sanity! I am in avid reader, I devour books and I usually don’t discriminate. Fiction, historical-fiction, non-fiction, doesn’t much matter. I’ve read some less than 5 star books in my day but I draw the mutha fuckin line at 50 Shades. Let me first point out that I’m not a prude, I’ve read good literary erotica before…. 50 Shades is NOT good literary erotica.

After vowing to never read this series, despite being told by everyone god damn woman I know (including my mother-in-law) that I MUST read it, I ended up reading the first quarter of the book after I found a copy of it in the back seat of a rental car. Well thanks for fucking nothing Enterprise. I couldn’t get through it, not even half way through it. It was so god awful. The grammatical errors were frequent, I could have done a better job editing that book and that’s saying something. The characters were thinly drawn and each so seething with douchattuide that I couldn’t get invested in them. Ana refers constantly to her “Inner Goddess” while biting her lip and behaving life a wilted flower. Ahh, get real!!

There are so many great books out there it pains me to see women reading this crap and thinking it some kind of cerebral exercise. This book series is like the tv version of Honey Boo Boo, it’s just part of the greater dumbing down of our world.

As far as books I would recommend; A Visit From The Goon Squad, More Than You Know, I Was Told There’d Be Cake (or anything by Sloane Crosley), The Winter Sea, The Dead Of The House, any Tom Robbins books and if you are interested in a romantic, sometimes erotic story line (mixed with time travel and history) the Outlander Series is very good.

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:51 pm

I LOVED The Good Squad. I read it slowly over the course of 4 months or so, and I found myself thinking about the characters the entire time, and how they would fit together in the end. Loved it.

Erica September 20, 2012 at 9:15 am

I read about half of the first book. While it’s not my cup of tea and poorly written, I can see why certain people would enjoy it. Especially if they are 16 years old or a bored housewife who got married right out of high school and never got the chance to study true literature.

THE trilogy of the decade? No. An enlightening read for the Amish? Probably. Fun to pick apart with friends over several bottles of wine? Absolutely.
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Autumn September 20, 2012 at 3:59 pm

“An enlightening read for the Amish? Probably.” Love.that.
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Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:52 pm

I would pay a lot of money to watch a movie about amish women reading and discussing FSOG.

Dana the Biped September 20, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Somehow, I’ve miraculously managed to sludge through the first two and a half books. All three were borrowed. All three were chucked across the room.

The best thing I have to say about the series is that it is highly forgettable, and for that, I am really grateful.
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Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:52 pm

I just imagined “highly forgettable” surrounded by those laurel leaves.

Laura September 20, 2012 at 2:28 pm

The best thing about the 50 Shades books is that they’ve spawned some really funny recaps and parodies; one of my favorites is this series of “recraps” of all three books: http://speaker7.wordpress.com/fifty-shades-of-grey/.

(I’ve also written a short crossover parody about a 50-Shades-ish heroine oblivious to the male character’s somewhat obvious faults: https://unlikelyexplanations.com/2012/07/28/fifty-shades-of-greg/).
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Laura September 20, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Oops, that should have been http://unlikelyexplanations.com/2012/07/28/fifty-shades-of-greg/.
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Kapilkant December 31, 2012 at 10:35 am

of the book I’ve got the written’ Thursday trnyig to get the real Thursday back from the real world to help with problems of the book world, then there are the bizarre problems she may encounter. Encountering gravity for the first time, for instance.

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:54 pm

The best one I ever read was on GoodReads and illustrated by Gifs. It changed my life.

Autumn September 20, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I just don’t understand why so many people think this is SUCH A GREAT IDEA. Truthfully. It makes me wonder just how many people are suffering from a lower-than-you-might-think self-esteem. (Of course, I wonder about motives a lot…my motives and the motives of others.) I’m so glad you wrote this post, and I’m glad we agree. I haven’t picked up the books and I have zero desire to do so.
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Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Low Self-Esteem=so fucking hot.

GK Adams September 20, 2012 at 4:29 pm

You are spot on about these so-called books. I wrote a review a couple of days ago: http://authorgkadamsdotcom1.wordpress.com/2012/09/19/50-shades-of-omg-did-i-really-read-this-trilogy/

Save your money! Save yourself!
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Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Fucking books. Why. Why do they have to happen this way.

Lilscorpiosweet September 20, 2012 at 6:09 pm

I know of better books to read than FSOG… Like Anne Rice writing as A.N Roquelaure when she wrote the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy. The first is The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty, second is Beauty’s Punishment and third is Beauty’s Release. Also the Story of O by Pauline Reage, so much better than FSOG.
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Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Unrelated but still kinda related: Someone tried to tell me that Anne Rice wrote Atlas Shrugged, and it made my whole day to explain that…no.

Joshua September 21, 2012 at 9:03 am

Women of Letters – Curated by Marieke Hardy and Michaela McGuire

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:58 pm

I’ll look into it. Thanks!

Lydia September 21, 2012 at 11:04 am

Haven’t read it. The storyline is fucking everywhere though so I feel like I have – which makes me feel like maybe I should read it, but I’m scared. I’m scared it will taint my mind forever, figuratively and literally. Cause you know taints feature prominently in that piece of shit. GET YOUR TAINT OFF MY BRAIN, EL JAMES.

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:59 pm

I loved the mental image I got of EL James rubbing her taint on Lydia from Beetlejuice’s brain.

Pamela Grow September 25, 2012 at 2:03 pm
Noa September 25, 2012 at 9:00 pm

You read my mind.

Bananor October 24, 2012 at 12:13 pm

I bought the book on Kobo a month ago. I am forcing myself to try to finish it but it’s just like being forced to eat liver on Halloween night when all you want to do is go out and get some sweet, sweet candy. As a psychology graduate, I can confirm that you’re right, Grey is a total sociopath. What I find more disturbing is how many women like this. I think a lot of women have the emotional maturity of 13 year old girls, so anytime someone says they love this book, I get an idea of how fun it must be to be married to them (sarcasm).

Barf me out the door Saturday night.

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