Joke Off: Emergency Vet Clinic Symptom List

09/26/2012 · 32 comments

in Grace, What Is Wrong With Me

Pretty frequently, Grace and I engage in a joke-off about some topic or another. This week, Grace is in residence on the overnight shift at an Emergency Vet Clinic, where people are bringing in their animals for the most ridiculous things you can possibly imagine. Unless you’re Grace and I, who can’t help but one up that shit.

A list of unexpected reasons that someone might take their pet into an Emergency Clinic:

  • My beagle is a sociopath
  • My cockatoo has a hangnail
  • My Shetland Pony has erectile dysfunction
  • My parakeet has PTSD
  • My sugarglider has Morgellon’s
  • My dachshund has a hysterical pregnancy
  • My hermit crab doesn’t care for avocados
  • My African Grey parrot has sciatica
  • My dingo has a gluten allergy
  • My Maine Coon has Munchausen’s By Proxy
  • My orangutang has the plague
  • My giraffe has dissociative personality disorder
  • My Doberman developed spontaneous club foot
  • My boa constrictor has jock itch
  • My goat doesn’t agree with Planned Parenthood
  • My tabby has Asperger’s
  • My Calico has environmental sensitivities
  • My gecko has amnesia
  • My iguana is distant
  • My box turtle is having a gender identity crisis
  • My octopus hasn’t been returning my texts
  • My chameleon is a negative nancy
  • My mudshark is itchy
  • My betta fish has ocular migraines
  • My racing pigeon has track foot
  • My water buffalo is wrong
  • My Shih-tzu has Alzheimer’s
  • My weasel has hysterical paralysis
  • My bearded dragon needs bifocals
  • My koi fish are mean girls
  • My red heeler is too symmetrical
  • My clownfish has Malaria
  • My ferret has cystic fibrosis
  • My Pomeranian has shriveled
  • My wombat has scoliosis

This is how I spent my week.

Any others you can think of I should add to the list?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Sarah: “I have a one year old. If by “learn to be bored and therefore entertain yourself” you mean “set the dog on fire and then piss on it” or “see how hard you can pull the cat’s tail until you get face bit”, then yeah, I think you’ll be glad you skipped the Baby Einstein laptop.” 
Mayor Gia September 26, 2012 at 7:05 am

My Goldendoodle is too golden, with not enough doodle.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Mayor Gia’s Ten Commandments Part II

Christine September 26, 2012 at 7:05 am

My hermit crab is lactose intolerant.
Christine recently posted..I’m Sick and Tazz is a Psychopath.

Lacey September 26, 2012 at 7:30 am

My rat has crohn’s.
Lacey recently posted..XXL panties my ass.

Lacey September 26, 2012 at 7:32 am

My guinea pig has Parkinson’s.
Lacey recently posted..XXL panties my ass.

Misty September 26, 2012 at 7:37 am

My Rhodesian Ridgeback has an STD.
My Teacup Pig is dyslexic.
My Labradoodle lost a bet.
My Cobra is an asshole.
My Orangutan is color blind.
Misty recently posted..Convos with the Kiddos: Part Six

Jessica September 26, 2012 at 7:39 am

My alpaca is a drama queen.

Amy Vansant September 26, 2012 at 7:43 am

Goats. Always so close minded. On one side socially conservative, on the other, in league with the devil.
Amy Vansant recently posted..New Font Styles

Meg September 26, 2012 at 8:03 am

My Bulldog tried to eat a Tanuki. She’s an asshole.
Meg recently posted..Konichiwa From My Couch

Rachel September 26, 2012 at 9:47 am

My Australian Shepherd won’t herd anything.

This isn’t a joke. He’s a lazy asshole and totally doesn’t live up to his breed name.

DevyMama September 26, 2012 at 9:57 am

My chinchilla has trench mouth.
My Dwarf Hotot has elephantitis of the balls.
My cuttlefish has epilepsy.
My hedgehog has glaucoma.

jj york September 26, 2012 at 10:10 am

My Quarterhorse has tennis elbow…

Janene September 26, 2012 at 10:46 am

My Malamute will not “mush”.

Grace September 26, 2012 at 10:51 am

Garunteed we actually saw about 30% of these. I have a very odd career

Leauxra September 26, 2012 at 11:13 am

My siamese cat is a serial killer. And she keeps… looking at me.

nadine September 26, 2012 at 11:26 am

My whole ant farm is anti-semetic.
nadine recently posted..This Is Why I Stay Home

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd September 26, 2012 at 11:38 am

My turtle wasn’t enthusiastic about The Avengers
I got one of those dogs that poops
My cat prefers dijon to yellow mustard
My frog tastes terrible
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Be Unspired II

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) September 26, 2012 at 2:15 pm

This is sadly an actual true story: When I was volunteering at the Humane Society, a woman called to ask if we could do something about her cat, who kept getting pregnant. She was at her wit’s end. I, of course, immediately offered spay/neuter assistance. Because I’m normal, yes?

The woman didn’t even hesitate with her response: “Oh, I can’t do that… it would violate her civil rights. How would YOU feel if someone ripped out YOUR uterus without your permission?”

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Purgatory in Mayberry.

Bill G. September 26, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Holy shit. Would she feel better to know that the pregnant cat will most likely wander over to a drain culvert under the highway to have her babies, which will most likely wander onto the road to get hit or be a tasty snack for the coyotes and wandering dogs?

Oops, I’m injecting logic into the woman’s whacko line of “reasoning”, that’s where I went wrong. Tell her that the cat will shit rainbows and fart sunshine as a reward from the gods if she gets spayed.

Jen September 26, 2012 at 2:15 pm

*My koala has chronic fatigue syndrome
*My Peruvian sugar bat has type I diabetes
*My Siamese cat is a Mongoloid
*My woodchuck isn’t chucking as much wood as he could chuck if my woodchuck could chuck wood ((BAM, motherfuckers!))
Jen recently posted..Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken by Me and My Friends: Part 18

Misty September 27, 2012 at 8:29 am

Nice use of wood, my friend. Very nice indeed. ;)
Misty recently posted..Convos with the Kiddos: Part Six

Valerie September 27, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Well. Fucking. Played!
Valerie recently posted..VIVA LA VALTEMBER!!!

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) September 26, 2012 at 2:18 pm

True story number 2:

I was waiting in the vet’s office with my dog, for a totally normal reason (because again, I’m NORMAL) when an old lady came in indignantly demanding to see the vet immediately.

She was enraged because she had recently had her male dog neutered, and yet “that pink thing” was still coming out.

Nurse: “Umm… that’s his penis… we don’t remove that…”

Old Lady: “Then what the hell did I pay for?”
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Purgatory in Mayberry.

Bill G. September 26, 2012 at 3:12 pm

My mother’s koi fish has a good case of the shits.

Laura September 26, 2012 at 6:38 pm

My penguin won’t fly.
Laura recently posted..Coffee Conundrum

NextInLine September 26, 2012 at 7:07 pm

My tapeworm has dysentery.

My head lice are having a bad hair day.

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) September 27, 2012 at 8:27 am

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Purgatory in Mayberry.

Valerie September 26, 2012 at 10:37 pm

My anaconda has necrophilia. No, seriously. We can’t even put mice in it’s cage. He chokes them out like bitches and starts humping them.

Also, my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon… It’s becoming a problem.


Valerie recently posted..Either I’m going crazy or faery folk are trying to communicate with me… You decide.

Carrie September 27, 2012 at 8:18 am

My English Bulldog won’t stop listening to listening to Fiona Apple and self-harming.

Dana the Biped September 27, 2012 at 3:03 pm

My pomeranian’s phantom limb is ticklish.

True story.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Um, You’ve Gone Too Far

Dana the Biped September 27, 2012 at 3:04 pm

(But not shrivelled. I think.)
Dana the Biped recently posted..Um, You’ve Gone Too Far

Brian Adams October 8, 2012 at 1:51 am

My shih tzu never stops licking!

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